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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
3timeslucky · 18/12/2019 09:59

I don't think YABU. I'd expect them to go to show support and respect to their son-in-law, you and their grandchildren. There's a benefit in them not grieving as that allows them to help you, your dh and your kids.

When my son's granny died my dad came to the funeral with me. We both went to support my son (and my dad to support me entering the lion's den of the family!). I split up from his father when he was a baby and did not have a close relationship to the woman but that's not why we went. I know there are cultural variations but funeral attendance does not have to have anything to do with your relationship with the person who has died, but much more about your relationship with those who are living and grieving.

Would you ask them to come to help comfort their grandchildren?

SquareAsABlock · 18/12/2019 09:59

I will say to them that I think DC would like them there. I haven't said that and I'm not going to have say anything bad without explaining that first, so I'll ask them if they could come for DC.

Dont emotionally blackmail your parents. If they don't want to come, then respect their choice. They're not being in the slightest bit unreasonable. As I said, ask them to come a few days after, but you have no right to demand them their. It's your job to support your children through this difficult time, and quite honestly it seems a bit mean to your husband to go 'look kids, it's fine, your other grandad is still here at least'.

Witchend · 18/12/2019 09:59

Looking on it from my thoughts.
If my parents were there, not knowing anyone else then I'd feel responsible for them and have to check they're okay.
Actually what I would be needed for would be to support dh, because however upset I was, they are his parents.

So I'd feel it would be unhelpful for them to be there.

SquareAsABlock · 18/12/2019 10:01

There not their. Don't know what's happening to my grammar today Confused

ButterflyBook · 18/12/2019 10:01

I will say to them that I think DC would like them there

But bear in mind that they might feel guilted into it when they have their reasons for not going. My brother didn't attend the funerals of either of our parents. Unusual, definitely, but he couldn't face it. Nobody made him feel guilty about it.

billy1966 · 18/12/2019 10:02

I don't think you should be angry OP. It's misplaced.

I certainly can understand the whole going to support someone position.

I think you should spell out clearly to your parents that their grandchildren are very upset at this potential loss. That it would be great if they could come to offer comfort, distraction, and support to them and you.

Hopefully they will want to.

Wishing you well during this very difficult time💐

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 10:02

Don’t know why the ex wife is going come to that. Absolutely not going to my exes.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 10:03

I think it would be weird for them to go to a funeral for someone they don't really know.

My mum died fairly young and very suddenly a few years ago and my PILs who had met her a few times and stayed at her house and everything didn't even consider coming to her funeral. It was in NI, so would have involved a short flight, but it would have been possible to come and plenty of people did travel from England, but they didn't and tbh, until now, I hadn't even thought about it. So I think YABU a bit to expect it, sorry.

Honeybee85 · 18/12/2019 10:03

YANBU

It’s not only about your FIL, it’s about showing support to you and your family by being there.
I don’t know how it is in the UK but in my homecountry, if one of your parents dies, even your boss / some of your collegues will attend the funeral even if they never met your parents.
They will attend as a sign they support you in such a difficult moment in your life.

I would feel hurt too if I were in your shoes.

KittenVsXmastree · 18/12/2019 10:04

Who is looking after the 3 year old? Could you parents look after your youngest, and then be at home for all of you after the funeral?

FWIW, my parents and inlaws have met twice. I wouldnt expect them to attend a funeral for the other side.

ShinyGiratina · 18/12/2019 10:04

I've gone to funerals to support the bereaved rather than my own bereavement such as the neighbour I'd known for about a year. He fell ill around the time we moved in so didn't get much chance to get to know him, but we went for his wife.

Travelling a long distance for someone you have barely any connection with is a major request. Less so if it's local and a couple of hours out of your day.

A near strangers funeral is a strange experience and can stir up a lot of conflicting emotions. My first bereavment was for my dad as a child. My second funeral was held in the same church, representing my year group for a teacher I didn't know. It wasn't explicit which church it would be and a rushed job to organise some sensible representatives. It stired up a lot of my own grief from a few years earlier, plus guilt that I was crying for my dad, not the person whose funeral it was. Every funeral stirs up that original loss.

DM and MiL know eachother and get on well, but they are too far and elderly to consider going to the other's funeral.

It's nice to support the bereaved, but it should not be an ecpectation especially if it is not local.

ConstanceL · 18/12/2019 10:04

But do your DC specifically want them there? If not that's a pretty low thing to say to emotionally blackmail your own parents. But if your DC have told you they are desperate for your parents to be there, then fair enough.

PrittSticky · 18/12/2019 10:05

YABVU.

My parents barely know my in-laws, so didn't attend my MIL's funeral.

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 10:05

Don’t know why the ex wife is going come to that. Absolutely not going to my exes

Because he's the father of her children and they are still friends? Confused

Dont emotionally blackmail your parents... It's your job to support your children through this difficult time

I'm not allowed to ask my parents to help support their daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren through a very difficult time? That makes me selfish and emotionally blackmailing them?

I'll check with DC when they are in the right mood and want to talk about the funeral, and try to find a way to subtly find out what they would like too

OP posts:
ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 10:06

There have been similar threads before and I think this situation is more common now that families are more spread out.

While they didn't know each other before we met, my parents and my in-laws got on well and we lived within a few miles so they did meet up and they went to the funerals. But if they'd lived some distance and never met very often then it might have been different.
If it is likely to be a small service then I think someone who isn't known would stand out more tbh! The other family members might not want people they don't know well to deal with on the day.

I hope your FIL remains as comfortable as possible in the circumstances, OP.

Teachermaths · 18/12/2019 10:06

There was a similar thread recently. The general consensus was if they had a relationship and lived close then you'd expect inlaws to attend. In your situation you wouldn't, they live far away and have barely met.

I wouldn't expect them to attend. In theory the support for you would be nice but you will cope because you have to. You have had warning he's going to die and can start to mentally prepare yourselves. If this is your 8yos first experience of death, try and keep it age appropriate but include them enough so they understand.

I definitely wouldn't ring/contact them and guilt trip them into coming. They haven't done anything wrong.

ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 10:07

I was also thinking of your parents at home with the youngest child, not at the service.

heartsonacake · 18/12/2019 10:07

YABU. They didn’t know them, there is no need for them to be there. They would be like spare parts and they would feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

I also think it’s very low and really poor of you to try and emotionally blackmail them into saying the DC want them there (even if it is true).

golfbuggy · 18/12/2019 10:07

Has no one else ever gone to a funeral to support someone else,

Yes, I've been to funerals to support friends who have lost parents.
I wouldn't go to a funeral to support a friend who'd lost a parent-in-law- probably because it wouldn't occur to me that they particularly needed support, unless they'd been very close. And if they did need support I would expect them to tell me.
If you want your parents to come to the funeral, why not speak to them about it?

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 10:07

But do your DC specifically want them there? If not that's a pretty low thing to say to emotionally blackmail your own parents

I don't know if they want them there because DC is 8 and has never been to a funeral before, they don't know what to expect. I'll try and find a way to start a conversation that introduces the idea of who might be at the funeral and see if that sparks any comments from them. To be honest, right now with DC and I am more focused on helping them to come to terms with the death of their granddad.

OP posts:
Member984815 · 18/12/2019 10:08

It isn't about if they knew him or not , it's about support for you and your husband in an awful time , not only did my parents come to my fil funeral , my uncle's did too and most of my close cousins , it made a horrible time easier

eggandonion · 18/12/2019 10:08

Where I live it would be a definite expectation to attend. I know funerals are different in England, but I'd have thought being available to help with the grandchildren would be a kind thing to do.

PrittSticky · 18/12/2019 10:08

I will say to them that I think DC would like them there

So you're going to use your dc to emotionally blackmail your parents, when it's you who wants them there, not your dc?

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 10:08

I don't think it's selfish to ask for support and I'm sure, if they are involved parents and grandparents, you will get it. But demanding they come to the funeral of someone they hardly know, to mingle with people they mainly don't know, discussing a man they don't know, and getting angry with them for not wanting to is U.

It would be different if you thought the funeral was too much for the dcs and wanted them to babysit. I think that would be a more sensible request. But going through the whole funeral ritual for someone they don't know? Surely you see why they might find that inappropriate?

Equanimitas · 18/12/2019 10:08

I don't really understand why your children need any support other than their parents'?

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