to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

[Callistone]

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

I would expect them attend tbh. Where I live we attend the funerals or at least the wakes of the family of friends never mind family . It’s about supporting the living as much as mourning the dead .

You’re still tying to project it onto your DC that they’ll want their grandparents there. Why would they? They have their own parents there to support them, that is literally your job.

Even your 8yo will not be expecting emotional support from someone who lives miles away surely?

I don't know what my DC wants. They don't know what they want. I'm trying to work this out at the moment and make the best decisions I can to support them. Yes, it's my job to support them. But is it so wrong to think, or hope, or ask, that their grandparents to whom they are very close (see fortnightly, stay with, talk to every few days) might also be someone who could support them?

I'm not going to pick a fight with them over this. I love my parents, we are close and they have been there for us time and again - hence my surprise now. I can see from the responses that I'm in a distinct minority in my views on funerals. But I'm not going to apologise for potentially asking them to come to support my DC.

(For those asking, the youngest DC will be having a sleepover with his wonderful childminder).

In Ireland, the norm is to go to funerals of people you have never met, if you have a connection with the bereaved

And this just seems weird to me. Fair enough @Ginfordinner, but it's normal in some places. As I said above, I'm from Glasgow and it's not uncommon at all to support a bereaved friend or relative in this way.

Rather than 'weird' it's just different to what you do.

I'll check with DC when they are in the right mood and want to talk about the funeral, and try to find a way to subtly find out what they would like too
But they're 8 and 3. They've probably never been to a funeral or what to expect. They'll just go with the flow of whatever happens. You're making too much of this, with respect. Your parents have indicated they aren't attending. They have their reasons. You have to respect that even if you don't understand it. As I did with my brother.

Please ask your parents to come to the funeral, in Scotland it's seen as a mark of respect, having a "good turnout" at the funeral.

My parents came to my lovely FIL funeral having met a four times over the last 30 years. My MIL appreciated it and I had some support for me when I was concentrating on supporting DH, my DCs and DH family who we are close to. No one thought it was a "day out", that's a strange thing to think.

I have attended funerals of colleagues and neighbours recently, not close to but wanted to pay my respects. It's seen as normal, perhaps your parents just need reassurance that they will be welcome? I think your right the DC might find having their grandparents there comforting. Sorry for your loss, perhaps there's some comfort from being able to say goodbye. It's an awful time but you get through it, then grieving is an ongoing process as memories pop up day to day.
I called my electric supplier last year and the on hold music was a song that had been played at the funeral, had to hang up and have a wee cry.

Lots of people prefer not to have to go to funerals unless they absolutely have to. The older you get, the more you feel the accumulation of loss. I'm 60, my parents died some years ago and so have most of the relatives of their generation I knew and loved and now it's friends who are dying.

I'll turn out and weep for those I know, but my willingness to drive for hours to sit through a dull or hypocritical or self-indulgent funeral service for someone I don't really know is disappearing. Could you ask your parents to come and look after your children while you attend the funeral?

For those asking how far away they are, it would be just under a 3 hour drive for my parents. We're just under an hour away in one direction from parents, 2 hours in the opposite direction from ILs.

YANBU to hurt by this. They share grandchildren. My ILs came to my mum's funeral. They didn't really know her but they were able to talk to my kids (their grandchildren!) afterwards about how well they read, what lovely things people said about her etc. They were able to talk to me about things they learnt at the funeral ( 'oh I didn't know such and such about your mum'). I mean, they're not friends who might come and go. They're my children's other grandparents. Of course they should be there.

They're my children's other grandparents. Of course they should be there.

Thank you - I think that sums up what I'm feeling.

My DPs came to my FILs funeral, but we all live in the same town.

My MIL hasn’t come to either of my GPS funerals (even though she wanted to) as she makes every event all about her and I will not have that behaviour at a family event.

You’ve already sounded them out on going. They’ve already said no. That’s the end of it.

You need to stop projecting this onto your children! They are too young to have any influence on your decision. If you want them there then ask.

An 8yo will follow your lead on this. If you are calm and confident they will follow that. This is your opportunity to shape your 8yos attitude towards death. A non tragic old person dying is a good way to do this. You can talk about how the funeral will be a bit sad but it is mostly to celebrate grandads life. You can explain people will tell stories about grandad and depending on the type of service there might be prayers etc to say goodbye.

I'm Irish and really can't understand your parents' attitude. In Ireland, the norm is to go to funerals of people you have never met, if you have a connection with the bereaved. I went to the funeral of an ex colleague's mother last week. While not compulsory, it was perfectly normal to do so.

Not to go to the funeral of your children's pil would be considered very poor form unless you had a good reason (illness etc). My parents have attended funerals for pil's siblings and vice versa.

This. It really is as much about supporting the people left behind, as it is about the person who has died. I find it very sad that others can’t see that.

If you lived here in Ireland it would be perfectly normal and probably expected that your parents would go to the funeral. When our parents died PIL and sisters and brothers in law all came to the funeral, travelling up to 3 hours one way. So yes I would think it odd that your parents wouldn't make the effort to go. It's not so much about the deceased but about those left behind, and your parents surely know your dh and kids well enough to go and sympathise with them.

You might want to be calm and confident, but it's alright to cry. It's an emotional time.
I hope FIL has a good passing, and everyone looks after each other.

A non tragic old person dying is a good way to do this

It's not non tragic. It's a formerly healthy man in his mid-60s who has had a sudden diagnosis just a few months ago and so this has all been horrifically quick for everyone.

You need to stop projecting this onto your children! They are too young to have any influence on your decision

So I shouldn't consider what I think my 8yo might need, I should just make sweeping decisions for them without considering their feelings or opinions? They're 8, not 2. They have opinions and feelings that I don't want to ignore.

Sorry but I’m with the OP here, I think they should attend the funeral not for FIL but for their Son in law, to support him.

When my dad died, my friends who didn’t know my dad from Adam attended for ME. My in laws who knew my dad very well didn’t bother acknowledging his death and didn’t support me at all and there was quite a few people who attended the funeral commented on the absence of their presence. Let’s just say now my in laws aren’t though very much of by the rest of my family, my friends and even their own son.

Sending you lots of hugs OP x

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think it's worth directly asking your parents to come to help you support your 8 year old. They may be thinking that they don't want to intrude into the grief of those who know him best and that it's not appropriate for them to attend. So be clear that they're not only welcome but that you'd like them to come because you've got your husband as well as your children to support and it'd help you out to have them there as people less directly affected.

(My ILs are quite anti-social but it worked really well because they sat in a corner and gave the kids a bit of a safe-haven from the more intense side of the day. The kids would go and sit with them when it got a bit overwhelming and they chatted about school and regular stuff. It was nice, actually.)

But if they end up not coming you'll just have to let it go or else it will eat you up at an already very stressful time.

(Though not coming seems to be making more of a statement and more of an issue than them quietly arriving, listening, talking to the children, offering condolences to your MIL and leaving would be.)

In my family it would be very weird if they didn't come OP.

Sorry I'm in YABU camp, I would not expect my MIL to attend my parents funerals and mine did not attend FIL's they have met briefly but it just would have weird.

It seems very odd to me - but I'm from Ireland, where anyone vaguely connected might be expected at the funeral. For in-laws, there would be 100% expectation of their attendance (unless there were unusual circumstances, like illness or dangerous travel conditions.)

This makes me very glad of Irish tradition, as these are the times when you need support and it's so lovely to see so many people there for you, just to shake your hand, give you a hug, and express their sympathy.

My grandad (DM's dad) died last year and none of the PILs of his four children came. I doubt very much it occurred to my other grandparents (DF's parents) to go.

maybe for them it will be kinda strange if they never knew them... idk