to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

[Callistone]

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

Respects not research!

If my husband had told me that he needed his parents to support him at one of my parent's funerals I think I would have offered him the opportunity to receive their permanent support when he moved back in with them.

Surely the person supporting your partner and children on losing one of their family members is you? Not sure why you think it should be your parents?

My uncle in law's in laws were at my grandmother in laws funeral (that sounds complicated- basically DHs Nana on his Dads side died, his Dads brother- AKA my husbands uncle AKA my uncle in law had his parents in law there on the day). That was to support UILs kids i.e. their grandchildren. I think they saw it as they and the deceased (my DHs Nana) has grandchildren in common, so while they didn’t know her very well it was a kind gesture more for the other relations they had in common... not least their daughter and grandchildren.

No sorry I'd find that strange if they only met few times despite you being together that long.

They probably would feel awkward and like their imposing.

YABU

*They are imposing... Excuse me I'm still half asleep

I'm Welsh an I have attended the funeral of people I have never met - a colleagues' parent for example, and would expect my parents to attend a funeral for one of my inlaws. A funeral is to support the living.

Why on earth would you go to a funeral of someone you have never met unless the person going didn't have any other support?

Expecting people to go to funerals for people is just rude.

I went to a funeral recently to support a dear friend. I must say I found it excruciating seeing her wider family, whom I don't know, weeping over the deceased. It seemed like such an intrusion into private grief.

I know my being there was appreciated but if I'm honest I wouldn't want to have to do it again, and I would never expect it of anyone else.

My FiL came to my mum's funeral. It was only weeks after his wife (my MiL) died. He didn't know her well but wanted to be there to support me. I think that was absolutely lovely of him, and very brave to go to another funeral so soon.

I think the fact you haven't integrated the families makes you unreasonable. They barely know each other and travelling three hours there and back is a huge deal for what may feel like them invading.

Do not ask your 8 yo. You are the adult.

Also your fil is still alive. I would not be thinking about any of this yet.

I am in a similar situation to you OP. I can also foresee my parents having the same attitude as your parents - perhaps it's a generational thing? It wasn't the norm in my parent's youth to move away from their hometown - some did, but they were the exceptions. As a consequence travelling to see people they don't know is still a big deal (even though my parents were the ones who moved away!) They have this paranoia that they are imposing themselves on people.

I agree with you though, I would be very hurt if they didn't attend - they have a very close relationship with my DH and I would want them there for him and the DC.

This isn't about your parents not respecting a dead person.
You want them there. You think they should go because they are your parents.
Your a grown up, you need to see there is no reason for them to attend the funeral of someone they don't know.

I would feel like I am intruding - but if you want them there for your children ask them.