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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
Serenity45 · 18/12/2019 09:44

I'm genuinely surprised at the amount of YABU OP. Interesting to see different views which I guess is what you're after. I come from a background where funerals are BIG and it's a sign of respect to the family to attend, even if you didn't know the person who passed away very well. (Irish Catholic of it makes a difference).

I would absolutely be upset if in-laws/my lot didn't attend a funeral for one of the 'other side' of our family. They've all met a few times over the years but not loads (swap Xmas cards and relay good wishes via me and DH type of thing). IMO you don't have to personally know the person who died but I appreciate people will have a different take on this. Your point about support for you and your children is absolutely valid - how would you feel about explaining this and asking them to attend on this basis?

YANBU and I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time Flowers

BlueChangeling · 18/12/2019 09:44

I'm Northern Irish, can second that on this island people often go to funerals of people they haven't met. You go if you know a living relative and that you'd like to support rather than how well you know the deceased.

Geminijes · 18/12/2019 09:45

My parents hardly knew my FIL, had meet him at our wedding and my son's christenings but they still went to his funeral. out of respect for their SIL (my husband) and their two grandsons.

witchinghour4am · 18/12/2019 09:45

In that case OP I think you'll have to specifically ask them to come for support purposes, as it's unlikely to occur to them and they won't understand why you're upset. Hopefully they will do that when they understand it's for you and your family, not to say a goodbye to your FIL

JellyfishAndShells · 18/12/2019 09:45

They barely knew him - a card would be appropriate but I don’t see that there is any further expectation.

My DD’s FIL is also terminally ill - there isn’t any question that we would go to his funeral as they live abroad, but even if they lived in this country we have only met the FIL and MIL once ( before and at the wedding) and exchanged Xmas greetings, we would not necessarily go. I don’t see why we would be needed to support our DD - she is very fond of him but her concern would be supporting her own DH

ConstanceL · 18/12/2019 09:45

I think if they had no relationship with your father-in-law it would look a bit weird for them to attend. My parents in law came to my Dad's funeral because they knew him well. But if they hadn't known him and turned up at the funeral I would have thought 'well you didn't bother getting to know him during his life, so why are you intruding now?' It would be super awkward for all concerned I think.

RainRainGoAwayComeAgain · 18/12/2019 09:46

If they don't actually really know each other it'd be pretty awkward them showing up to their funeral. It's a bit different if they are friendly and see each other regularly. My grandparents stayed at our house every single weekend, they saw each other all the time and were friends, they went to each other's funerals, but they knew one another.

I just can't understand your logic, driving hours for a funeral of someone you don't know. They'd be sat in the corner feeling awkward not knowing anyone there.

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 09:47

My parents didn’t go to my pil funerals and vice versa. They had the kids. Suppose it depends how close they are case by case basis.

PrimalLass · 18/12/2019 09:47

I come from a background where funerals are BIG and it's a sign of respect to the family to attend, even if you didn't know the person who passed away very well.

There's definitely very polarised views on this. I wouldn't want a bunch of random people I'd never met at my funeral. I've already made it very clear that I don't want a funeral at all.

Dandelion1993 · 18/12/2019 09:47

I wouldn't expect my parents to come to either in laws funerals.

They don't know each other well at all and when they are together don't have much in common to talk about.

Funerals are for those who knew the person to say goodbye, not a family outing.

mummmy2017 · 18/12/2019 09:47

Your being unfair because your projecting how you feel onto your parents.
Your mum was honest, and there is no reason she would attend the funeral, please see she will be there for you too chat to, but this is a death in your husband's family, not on your side.
It does not mean your mum does not love you.

Arthritica · 18/12/2019 09:48

My in-laws did come to my Mum’s funeral, which surprised us and my Dad very much. They didn’t have a relationship with my Mum, we couldn’t see why they were there.

But they saw it as supporting us. That was nice of them, I guess, but in reality I had enough to deal with handling the grief of Mum’s friends and family without them wanting our attention too.

DeathStare · 18/12/2019 09:48

I don't think it is reasonable to expect them to come automatically given that they don't really know FIL. However if you think that you, your DH or your DC would like the support of them being there then I think it is perfectly reasonable to tell them that and ask if they would mind coming.

BlueJava · 18/12/2019 09:48

I am in fairly similar circumstances to you - our parents have only met once, there is quite a distance (geographically) between them, FIL passed away about 18 months ago. My parents didn't attend his funeral but no one expected them to. I think funerals are quite personal and you only attend if you know the person. There may be exceptions - maybe if you partner hadn't met FIL as he was abroad or something but in the situation you describe I wouldn't expect them to attend.

ButterflyBook · 18/12/2019 09:49

In my experience it would be unusual for them to attend. My in-laws didn't attend the funerals of either of my parents. They'd only met them a couple of times and barely knew them. I'm pretty sure nobody would have expected them to attend, least of all me. They might feel uncomfortable being at the funeral of a someone they hardly knew. There will be plenty of close friends and family to give support to each other.

NothingIsWrong · 18/12/2019 09:49

My dad died last year and I don't think it even crossed my mind that my in-laws would come. In fact, they looked after the children so much husband and I could go without having to worry about it.

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:49

I'm surprised how people think it would be a bit weird and that they might end up sitting there as a spare part. Has no one else ever gone to a funeral to support someone else, not to say goodbye to the person who has died? To show the person who is bereaved that you are thinking of them and you want to pay your respects?

I will say to them that I think DC would like them there. I haven't said that and I'm not going to have say anything bad without explaining that first, so I'll ask them if they could come for DC.

OP posts:
MamaGee09 · 18/12/2019 09:50

my Father in law has 3 daughters in law and all our parents went to his funeral. I thought that was the norm, they went to support their daughters but also their son in laws at a difficult time,

Frenchw1fe · 18/12/2019 09:50

My df attended both my il's funerals.
I attended funeral of dil's father.

My dh looked after our dgc whilst I attended.
We had to travel a long way and stay overnight but it's family by marriage and that's what you do.

My dil's dm seemed surprised and very grateful that we went.

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:53

There will be plenty of close friends and family to give support to each other

This is probably where I am biased because there won't be - there'll be an ex-wife (DH's mum) and FIL's partner to content with, they've never met, then just FIL's two sons, us two DILs and the grandchildren. I can't imagine anyone there thinking, "oh, how odd, who the hell are you?", because I wouldn't think that if the circumstances were reversed.

But like I said I am reading the replies and taking it all on board. Thank you for the kind wishes.

OP posts:
Shinyletsbebadguys · 18/12/2019 09:53

My family wouldn't do this , we wouldn't really attend a funeral if we didn't know the person reasonable well but if you feel you need support then ask them. It wouldn't occur to any of us however we would be more than happy if one of the bereaved asked for some support that's fine.

Is it possible you are sort of expecting them to be mind readers ? I'm quite independent so people assume I get on with it so it means I often need to ask outright if I feel I need support

coconuttelegraph · 18/12/2019 09:53

Did you post this same thread recently? I'm sure I've already read this.

Anyway, I'd say it totally depends on the relationships and the families involved, no hard and fast rules

selmabear · 18/12/2019 09:58

There was a similar thread a while back. Woman was upset her PIL did not attend her fathers funeral, just like your situation they didn't really know each other. Most folk agreed with the PIL for not attending. So did I. Your FIL and parents didn't know each other well, they probably felt it would be very strange if they attended the funeral.

ParkheadParadise · 18/12/2019 09:58

My Inlaws came to both my parents funerals.
All my Siblings Inlaws came to both my parents funerals.
I would have been very surprised if my Inlaws had not came.

Oakmaiden · 18/12/2019 09:59

My parents came to my mil's funeral. It was a 3 hour drive for them, each way. I think they wanted to show support for my husband - they certainly didn't know mil well, though had once spent Christmas with us and her.

They didn't come to fil's funeral though - but that would have been nearly 5 hours each way. They had barely met him, and to be honest were aware that dh wasn't very close to his father either.

So - yes, I think would be nice if they could go to the funeral, but I don't consider it something they "must" do.

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