To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

Im totally confused by people who only want to be with their dh/dw and dc on Christmas day...unless your extended family are a horror show obviously! I know people like this...a family who don't go to their parents on Christmas day despite their sibling and family travelling the length of the country to see them. Seems so sad for the children that their aunts/uncles and cousins they rarely see are down the road celebrating yet their all home alone having their own Christmas. What's the point? We spend most of the year home just us.. surely Christmas is the more the merrier.

Even worse, I knew a single woman whose parents were dead. She got on well with her sister and bil. But they refused to see her on Christmas day because they wanted their sons first Christmas to be just them .

WHy not accepot different families have different priorities at Christmas and leave it at that?

For some it's a time to strengthen bonds between extended family, for others it's turning their back on the world and enjoying being a small unit. Both are fine.

My parents have hosted Christmas, have been to our house, have celebrated with friends, have been abroad. They aren't sitting around moping that one or other of their children will take a burden of inviting them - they are active adults with agency of their own.
It's pretty patronising to think all GP are frail and lonely, waiting for an invitation to gladden their empty lives.

Often our children will copy what they have grown up with so if you do Christmas with just your own kids then there is a good chance when you are the grandparent you won’t be getting an invite either

That would suit me down to the ground.I love having alone time.My grown up kids have as much right to have teh Christmas they want.

Me,when im older im going on a cruise or a nice sun holiday.Away from teh stresses of Christmas.

I agree with the OP, it is shit when siblings don't share the load at Christmas. I end up hosting my parents year in, year out and had a sibling who has opted out. My parents don't want to be on their own for Christmas and distance means they stay 3 or 4 days (this year I have engineered it to be 3 days so we can have some down time too). They ask can they come to us and I truly would find it hard to say no - stay at home on your own.

They always hosted one set of grandparents (my mother's, never ever my fathers) so have a sort of skewed view that since this was what they did then this is the say it should be done.

I loved having my grandparents for dinner (mind you, my mother had a far easier deal of it as they only lived in the next town so came after breakfast and left after dinner - none of the 3 day hosting side of things for her)

Our dd loves having them and I can get on with it and host them willingly and make it as nice a 3 days as we can. We usually end up having our own personal, lazing around 'little family' Christmas once they've gone.

They won;t be around forever and then we will have all the time in the world for our own Christmases

I think it's quite depressing that the OP's opinion is considered an unpopular one - isn't the whole point of Christmas to share joy etc with nearest and dearest (ie not just your family).

My sister's MIL is very wealthy and lives in a large house in central London. For a good decade or so, until she got too old, she would always hold what she called a 'waifs and strays Christmas'.

In addition to her own family, she would invite any of her old friends who didn't have close family in the UK (or weren't close) to her home for Christmas Day. There were always about 15 to 20 people there, all from varied and interesting backgrounds and often different countries.

We went a few times and they were my favourite Christmas Days and set the standard for me for what Christmas should be all about. You can flop on the sofa in your PJs and watch TV all day any Sunday of the year (although I hate the sound of even doing that)!

All families are different ... we alternate on Christmas Day with my parents , my in laws and then the third year just us . Everyone is seen though over the whole Christmas period. I’m an only child who had a fair from ideal childhood ... I see my mother out of obligation ,and because I want to see my father , knowing that I will have to ignore the manipulative and nasty comments and will watch her behaviour towards my own children very carefully. ....

@ReadyPayerTwo well she's very lucky to have that much space. If I had a house big enough to host people (to sleep as well as eat as we live 150+ miles away from family) I'd love to be able to do so.

Not everyone has the space or the ability to "pop over the road", it's quite stressful for us having to drive 150+ miles, traipse around all our divorced parents, siblings etc with hyper kids that don't want to be dragged left, right and centre. We don't have the space to invite people to ours.

I would LOVE a Gavin & Stacey Christmas but that just doesn't work with both parents divorced and small houses.

So in the meantime yes I do love our "little" Christmas and keeping it as simple as possible, I am very focussed on my nuclear family and love having a few days a year just eating what we want and spoiling each other after a busy year of school and 2 x full time jobs etc. It's easier to see family other times of the year when it's less manic. So less judgement all round I think.

I think I've obviously hit a nerve with a few posters here

I genuinely don't mind having them over. Boxing Day is our lazy day.

I was really just pondering something I've seen more of recently, both online and in RL (people going on about having these own little family Christmas days) and thinking that, actually, while it might be more peaceful and less work for them, a lot of the time the reason they don't have to feel guilty about leaving family members at home is because another family member has stepped in with the offer to host.

Now if you don't feel guilty and you don't give a shit, or if your family member is horrible or lives in Australia, then crack on, but most people in run of the mill ordinary families would feel guilty if dear old Mum is home alone.

I think it's heartbreaking that some people would rather leave their parents by themselves on Christmas Day.

Oh give over!

Do you think your parents sit in the dark eating thin gruel every day they don't spend with their exalted offspring who offer the only flicker of joy in their life?

You do realise they have lives and things to do and people to see of their own? They didn't just exist to birth you, however utterly fantastic you think you are, and then stop being people in their own right.

I have a strained relationship with my DM. As an only child of a single parent I have been obliged to spend many uncomfortable Christmases with her. The first Christmas I lived with DH, she complied to come to the in laws, so we could all be together. The week before Christmas, she decided to change her mind and stay at home all alone, as I wanted to be with my new family and she wouldn't like it.

I had to stay home with her and not see DH until the evening, when I had to walk across town to my PIL's as she refused to drive me (I didn't drive at the time)

The following year I hosted everyone. She spent the entire day looking like she'd been stung in the bum. Made minimal conversation. Looked miserable. Complained about the food. Refused to leave when everyone else did.

Following year I had DC1. She flipped out we wanted to spend DC's first Christmas morning alone. She invited DH's family to her for lunch and to us for the evening. It was horrendous as she was so competitive over DC.

Following year she came to us by herself for lunch. DC was napping. She got very annoyed I wouldn't wake them. Complained throughout dinner and had a face like a wet weekend. Wanted DC to be only with her. Complained throughout Christmas walk. Loudly complained when we went to PIL's that she was bored and wanted to go home.

Straw that broke the camel's back for DH and he booked a holiday this year. I still feel guilty. Although the relief at not tolerating her behaviour again and allowing my DC to enjoy Christmas overwhelms it. As it happens, she was invited by PIL and declined as she has another invite.

I thought this would be a social justice thread about people like my son who is a van driver etc (although this year he does have Christmas day off) or my father or sbiling doctor 0 lots of on calls and problems for those with mental health issues at Christmas time or those who provide us with the food - facilitators.

If fact as my husband always worked on Christmas day - teacher and organist - midnight mass, Sunday morning service etc (simialr to vicars) work was the issue over Christmas and I have certainliy over the years done some legal work at that time. So we used to drive on Christmas day lunch time to Yorkshire to his parents and then mine in the NE the day after for years. We did have a period of going skiing over Christmas which was pretty special in Wengen in tiny attic rooms with bathrooms down the corridor and going out into gorgeous snow to ski with the 3 children, having to take presents in suitcases, saying how much easier it was for Father Christmas as the snow makes the sledges work better.

Now my parents are dead so the issues are different but before we always went North as both sets of parents were there and some of the siblngs so felt fairer on them although very hard work for us - I remember a new baby, a 2 year old and 4 year old all vomiting all the journey and then arriving on the back of an AA lorry (always had old banger cars... in the night in the cold covered in sick.... I hope the parents appreciated it).

I used to love being with my cousins on Christmas day when I was a child....it would have been much more boring if I'd just been at home with my immediate family...we used to have a lot of fun

Now if you don't feel guilty and you don't give a shit, or if your family member is horrible or lives in Australia, then crack on, but most people in run of the mill ordinary families would feel guilty if dear old Mum is home alone.

That's a very telling turn of phrase there OP: "if you don't feel guilty and you don't give a shit". Why do you assume that not feeling guilty automatically equals "not giving a shit"? For someone denying the martyr label, you're doing a lot martyrish things.

Just because YOU think parents can't possibly deal one extra day of the year without your blessed company to enrich their otherwise bleak lives, doesn't mean we all do.

I'm not seeing my mum for Christmas Day. I get on very well with her, I see her regularly. She's a fully capable woman and doesn't need me to "prove" my love by dragging her over to mine one special appointed day a year to eat a special appointed meal.

Yabu and a bit of a martyr really.
Why do you have to do anything? It's only a day, see people before or after or on it. Doesn't make any difference

I think it's heartbreaking that some people would rather leave their parents by themselves on Christmas Day.

FFS this is absurd. We're not seeing either of our (grown-up) children or the grandchildren this year at Christmas, and we didn't see them last year either. They have their own plans to see friends/in-laws/whoever.

We certainly won't be sitting in the dark sobbing over a guttering candle stub. I have just been out and stocked the fridge/freezer/wine rack with lots of nice food and drink. We will be popping over to friends on Christmas Day for a glass of fizz. No worrying about whether planes will be delayed/cancelled. No worrying about airport runs in foul weather. No terrifying supermarket bills.

We saw all the family in the summer and we will be seeing them at the end of January.

I would hate to think that we are seen as slack to be taken up by someone else.

You've invented a set of social obligations, and you're cross that not everyone obeys them.

^^This.

My parents would be rather surprised at the thought that feeding and entertaining them was my responsibility on Christmas Day (or any other day).

I think it's heartbreaking that some people would rather leave their parents by themselves on Christmas Day.

My mum much prefers to be in her own home eating her own cooking.

OP I know exactly what you mean and anyone who pretends they don't (calling you sanctimonious / resentful oh piss OFF!) is clearly just feeling a bit guilty. You made you point very fairly.

And I'm definitely in the guilty boat here: BIL missing out on xmas with his gf because otherwise (youngish and healthy!) PILS would be alone. We live in Australia and even though that's a 'fair excuse' I totally still feel a bit guilty. Yknow because I'm not heartless!

We don’t host for a couple of reasons. Dh doesn’t really get on with my parents so more than an hour is hard. I don’t really like his mum and fil wouldn’t come anyway as he wants to be in his own home funnily enough

So we stay home as a “little family” without the obligations of keeping everyone else happy while stressing our selfs to the hills on the two days dh actually gets off over Christmas. My oldest also doesn’t like his cousin so that adds extra drama too. My parents are pretty easy going though happy to be alone/invited out or pop in for an hour to see the dgc open a couple of presents.

I'd love a just us christmas or even one where I didn't have to cook but because of cirumstances without upsetting someone, that just doesnt' seem possible.

Dh has 2 sisters. One lives in another country and is a doctor usually working across the christmas week so can't come home. One HAS to go to her inlaws for Christmas otherwise her partner throws a massive tantrum.

Mil is happy to host but I'm an only child and my dm (df died last year) refuses to go to hers saying she'd rather be alone. The second anyone thinks that is at all likely to happen, my assorted uncles and aunts put the pressure on. So yet again I'm hosting even though I absolutely hate it and am getting more and more resentful about the whole situation.

I'd never heard of the "just our own little family" idea until I came on mumsnet- every single one of my Christmas' as a kid were spent with my grandparents and aunts, and I would have been disappointed if they hadn't been.

Totally up to the individual if that's what they prefer and obviously it will depend what your family members are like, but I do think it's a bit odd that people on MN seem to thing it will be more magical for the kids if only their parents are there. I saw them all the time, I looked forward to having the bigger group and playing games etc.

Yes but not everyone's parents are as enlightened as @allington or @GingleJangleScarecrow and they DO expect to spend Christmas with grown up children / grandchildren and if some of the children opt out leaving only one or two to pick up the pieces, it's really not fair, is it.

My issue is not with my parents for wanting company, but my sibling for not caring too much about them or me in this instance

Your parents/Inlaws aren't God. Their feelings don't take precedence over other people's. If your SIL doesn't want to host them she doesn't have to! The same goes for you. Up to you if you want to function by obligation.

In my case, neither set of parents has ever expected or even invited us to visit them at Christmas. It's just not part of our family's culture. When I was a kid we used to visit my granny on Boxing Day for a very old-fashioned kind of afternoon tea, but both DH and I spent Christmas Day with our parents and in my case DB. (When I say culture I don't mean we are from another culture, just our personal traditions.)

if some of the children opt out leaving only one or two to pick up the pieces, it's really not fair, is it.

But those people aren't forced to pick any pieces up (even if they aren't pieces!). They do so willingly or unwillingly. Either way, they make the decision. It doesn't just happen to them like magic.