To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

I do agree with the op , i have my mum and various family and friends every Christmas as we love a house full but my brothers family like to be on their own for Christmas , fair enough but my mum feels it very badly that she has never been invited to stay with them at all over Christmas as its assumed that she will come to us .
I love having my mum anytime but i know it hurts her never to be asked .

I don't think the OP is criticising people who live long distances from their parents/have work commitments or horrible relationships with them generally.
I think she's referring more to normal families where relationships are generally good.

Both sets come from large, close families and are very family orientated.

And yet you're an only child, so where's the rest of this large close family? Why is it all on you? Can't they go to siblings and other members of their large close family? Or indeed invite them all over? I think honestly you're doing what you want to do, as is SiL, and there's no problem except you feeling like you're a better person.

If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

to their own house. Because they’re adults. Not children to be looked after.

SO thoughtful and considerate that you're slagging off your SIL for spending Christmas with her family. 😂 People like you make problems where none exist.

You clearly resent hosting otherwise why would SIL even be on your radar? If you're so loved up with the idea of being considerate and thoughtful why aren't you cracking on?

Often our children will copy what they have grown up with so if you do Christmas with just your own kids then there is a good chance when you are the grandparent you won’t be getting an invite either

Agree with this. What goes around comes around

Is that addressed to me or the op @brassbrass

We see our family either the days leading up to or after Christmas and it works fine for us. We really don’t need to spend Christmas Day with them, more than happy to spend it at home with our DC. I don’t think your SIL is doing anything wrong at all, she’s just doing Christmas her way and you do it yours. If you don’t want to host the IL’s every year then don’t. Stop being a martyr.

Often our children will copy what they have grown up with so if you do Christmas with just your own kids then there is a good chance when you are the grandparent you won’t be getting an invite either

Honestly this will be fine by me. I will spend it how my parents do now, chilling the fuck out or going on holiday .

Not wanting your elderly parents to be alone at Christmas is apparently being a sanctimonious martyr! This place is like a parallel universe

My in laws are spending Xmas by themselves, with each other, whom they love dearly. We will be with them all day Boxing Day for a walk and a meal and see them this Saturday for an extended family meal out. My mum is going to spend it with her boyfriend in Ireland and my sister is going to Iceland.

We have Xmas alone not because we want just “our little family” but my MIL dislikes my mum and on years we see my PILs my mum and sister ended up just the two of them and vice versa. Seemed more fair just to say we don’t do Xmas with anyone and plan days around. If one of my PILs dies I’m sure we will do it differently.

Jesus thank god you’re not both only children

My Dd may well emigrate, and that's fine too, I'd hate to hold her back just because I'm on my own.
I have friends to surround myself with if I choose.

So fearful tit for tat? Invite the GPs so our kids will invite us?

Nothing at all to do with actually enjoying each others company and heaven forbid wanting to spend the time together because you get on? It's all smug obligated martyrdom?

Sounds like you aren't so happy to have them over, otherwise you wouldn't be talking about burdens/ social obligation/ picking up the slack etc due to your sister in law's wishes of being with her nuclear family unit at Christmas. Sounds like you're envious that the sister in law gets a peaceful quiet Christmas without loads of people around, which is fine, but you don't need to get validation off the internet people to be fine with that

I get what you mean. I have never had a Christmas with just my little family and my eldest is 18. DH is an only and MIL was widowed v young - no other family. My DSis lives 180 miles away and my DM (also widowed) doesn't like travelling that far in the winter.

So every year we have hosted.

@Peppapeppapeppapeppa. Totally agree. Wanting to make sure your parents have an enjoyable Christmas day and included as part of the family is now martyrdom and sucking the joy out of everything. I often read posts on here and thank my lucky star that my brother didn't marry someone like that.

May SIL hates PILs, with reason, and doesn’t want to inflict suffering on herself or her kids on Christmas day? I still largely dread Christmas with extended family due to the toxic atmosphere that’s been there from childhood.

Just because you love your PIL it doesn’t mean everyone does.

Self preservation and self worth, isn’t the same as selfishness.

MN is very odd with all of this "no is a complete sentence" stuff. In the real world most people recognise that leaving elderly relatives alone on Christmas is a bit of shit thing to do.

Doubtless many people who want Christmas "with their own little family" will change their views when they are the grandparents .

sorry havent read the whole thread....i do think when people say they only want christmas with DH and their kids they should think of the future. When they are grandparents their kids may decide to take the same approach and leave them out, after all thats what they've been brought up to do.

Not wanting your elderly parents to be alone at Christmas is apparently being a sanctimonious martyr!

But the rest of the year is just fine, though. People who have more life experience than you (and probably lives and interests and relationships of their own) are to be pitied just because of a specific date and to make you feel like you have done your bit as a Good Child?

Yes and don't forget the self flagellation whilst peeling spuds 🤣

Your SIL is up herself. But you're making a fuss about nothing. Christmas is more fun with another generation there, plus the grandparents surely deserve it. You can spend a day in pyjamas (yuck) any other day you want.

Remember that each sibling has a different relationship with each parent.

My sister's relationship with my Mum is VERY different to mine. My other sisters' is different again.

I don't even live in the same country as any of them anymore. My sister would never leave....I would. Our childhoods were vastly different.

Cohle but not all elderly relatives and sweet little old dears (not all GPs are elderly, btw). GPs are people, and some people are unpleasant, difficult, critical, miserable and make everything about themselves.

If you have lovely, helpful, easy going parents and GPs, I think it’s hard to imagine how unpleasant it is to be obligated to host people who aren’t very nice, when you’d rather give your kids a Christmas that’s actually focused on creating your own positive family traditions.