To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

I'm on my own as my 18yr old is spending the day with her bf, his brother and gf.
She's coming to see me on boxing day.
Next year she wants to go to her Dad's family in Australia.
Last year I was on my own too.
I'm fine with it, it's one day, I live alone anyway and I'd hate Dd to feel she has to plan around me, she doesn't, I'm a grown woman ffs.

YABU

You’re choosing what you like, shouldn’t others do the same?

This is my issue with my siblings at NYE. My mum is left on her own if we don’t go down there (hour and a half drive with toddler in tow). It is a huge issue for me. On one side it’s my sisters utter and complete selfishness - she only lives twenty minutes away with two teenage children- and the other my brother being led by his partner. Makes my blood boil.

MIL spends Christmas with DPs siblings due to us living away and MIL not liking travelling and whilst it’s nice I do think my DCs have missed out. Most of my Christmas memories involved wider family. Losing my own parent sort of changes perspective when it changes from choosing to having a small family day and having to have a small family Christmas.

I havent had anyone over for Christmas, nor been anywhere for Christmas, since I had my son 18 years ago. I wont either.

If my kids want to spend Christmas with their families when they have them they absolutely should and I'll spend a happy day in my PJs, eating chocolate and watching what I want on the TV.

I wouldnt want anyone obligated to have me over at all, nor do I ever feel obligated to have anyone over to my house, I like it being just me and my kids.

She doesn't sound like a sanctimonious martyr - she sounds like someone who is considerate of other people's feelings!
If you are blessed with parents who want to stay home by themselves and this coincides with you also wanting to stay home, then happy days. But many people have parents who would be really hurt to not be included. Most people who love their parents, would do a great deal to avoid hurting them. If one set of siblings decides to just please themselves, then of course it places additional pressure on the remaining siblings to ensure their parents feel welcome and happy. Christmas is not a low effort event - there's a lot of work involved if you are the host.

Relationships are about obligations as well as love.
I'm lucky in that I do actually want to see my family at Christmas, but there are times when I'd quite like not to have the work and expense of it. But opting out does pass that on to other people within the family.

I can see what you mean but I don't see that SIL's actions mean that other people are obligated to host. I am an only child, we usually have my parents on Christmas Day (MIL is a long way from us and wants to stay in her own home but visit her relatives close by). However, we sometimes go away for Christmas, meaning my parents are by themselves. My parents can be a bit funny about this (no direct complaints but "So we'll be by ourselves this Christmas then?" type thing). But I don't feel under obligation to have them. I think the whole idea of people make some people do things is over thought and makes people into "matyrs" if they aren't careful (although I don't like that word!)

I do see your point OP, DH and I are both only children so weve always had parents come to us. But it can get draining (20 years in). A few years ago I asked the DC how they would plan Christmas Day, - they came up with lots of ideas - jammies all day, big dog walk, party food, board games. So we did it but on Xmas Eve. I wrote a cheesy poem which they got after breakfast telling them we were having two Christmas Days, the one they wanted and our usual. Even gave them some of their presents early. Christmas isn't just one day there is time to make sure everyone's accommodated.

You're being a martyr about it all OP. Whether you believe it or not.

All very noble and that, but making a lot out of how you couldn't bear to see someone home alone blah blah. Christmas Day is one day of the year. It doesn't sound like you are inviting them round every other day because otherwise they'd be sat at home, quite possibly having a very nice time of it, because that's the life they have set up for themselves. Maybe they feel obliged to come to you because you ask and would actually be just as happy to come on January 17th or December 1st or whatever?

(For what its worth, I have had Christmas with my family already. We all met up and did pressies and had a big lunch and a very nice time. As it happens several of us will be at our homes, within easy striking distance of each other, on 25th. I am quite happy to be home alone and doing my own thing, as I assume they are are too)

I hate martyrs. Unhappy people who just want to drag everyone else down. Makes me want to avoid them like the plague. They suck the joy out of everything.

I don't really agree with your point. I find it a little contradictory because you say you want to see your parents or inlaws, so you are not facilitating your SILs Christmas because you are doing what you want to do and she is doing what she wants to do. If your parents or in laws were a pain to host or whatever, then you would be effectively taking one for the team so that your SIL could have the day she wanted.

I think your sceanario only really applies if noone wants to have the parents over, but you do.

I think you need to get over yourself.
It's one day and you should do what you want.

Its unhealthy to be absolutely gutted if they don't get to spend what is essentially one day with you. It's much more important to see each regularly and to be actively involved in each others lives during the year than this one day.

I often think that people host Christmas just for show, to be able to say we spent the day together but then back to irregular contact after the season.

To say that someone else is facilitating another's Christmas with just their little family is patronising and comes across as if you are sacrificing something which you say you don't have a problem with.

It sounds like you do have a problem with it and that you resent your sil and bil.

YANBU at all OP.

DH is one of 3 and his parents are in their 70s. One sibling lives abroad so doesn't see his parents at Christmas and one sibling just never takes a 'turn' with his parents at Christmas. DH and I don't feel happy to leave them without an invitation at Christmas so we have them to us every single year. We do it because DH loves his parents and wouldn't be happy not to invite them knowing they would be by themselves (they are quite introverted and isolated) and they seem to really enjoy coming to us and spending the time with us and the little ones. As a result we never see my parents (my other siblings take turns with them) and we never have Christmas as 'our own little family'.

It's only on MN that this type of behaviour would be acceptable! In the real world most people recognise it's pretty selfish.

So if we stopped inviting PILs it would be on the understanding that we're putting that responsibility on to the remaining SIL, every year.

Why are your parents and inlaws plans your responsibility? Why are they “slack” to be picked up?

I get your point, but you’re making a whole lot out of your plans. These people are all capable adults able to sort themselves out.

I often wonder what these people who have Christmas with just their own “little family” are going to do or feel when the “little family” is older. Teens going off doing their own thing, older ones left home. Are they going to expect them to have Christmas at mum and dads or be looking for invites from brother or sisters? Or just to be happy to spend it alone?

Often our children will copy what they have grown up with so if you do Christmas with just your own kids then there is a good chance when you are the grandparent you won’t be getting an invite either.

You do sound like a sanctimonious martyr..., Why the downer in your SIL she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day are you a firm believer in the joy of wife work, so of course it's the women's responsibility to take care of Christmas? We do have just our 'own little family' at Christmas as my parents have made it clear that if they can't spend Christmas with their golden child they don't want to see me and my family- it was sad at first but now fully embraced it, and will be the way forward now!

I totally agree with you OP. I see some very selfish behaviour and some very hurt family members over Christmas time because of their children or siblings narrow definition of 'family'.

I know very few couples who would rather eat Christmas Dinner on their own while all of their children and grandchildren are celebrating with 'their own family unit'. There may be some, but there are also many putting on a brave face.

I will be having Christmas at home with just my little family.

I live 180 miles away from my parents. I’m working Christmas Eve and 27 December. There is no way I’m doing the 360 mile round trip to see them on Christmas Day. My sister and brother both live within 10 miles of my parents. They will visit on Christmas Day. But their entire visit will take less time than I would spend travelling. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable to leave it to them. Of course, I’d be happy to host if my parents wanted to visit me (they’re retired, so have more flexibility on dates than I do).

Oh and Brassbrass's post is really nasty. You don't sound remotely martyr like, just considerate and thoughtful.

How are they doing for money OP? I hosted a couple of years ago and the costs involved were enormous, the extra food, drink snacks etc. It felt akward and stingy to ask for a contribution.

I dont quite get the 'just us Christmas'. Surely people do 'just us' most of the time? Christmas is the one day that should be about family - all the family (I mean let's think of the original family Christmas is about - they welcomed everyone)!

Why does what the parents and PIL want to do, matter more than what your SIL and her husband and children want to do?

There are so many agendas at Christmas, and if you aren’t one big harmonious ‘let’s all muck in’ type family it can be a pretty miserable and boring Christmas for the hosts.

Both sides of our family are hard work. PILs are life’s ‘passengers’ who expect to be waited on while they sit around criticising.

After years of doing our ‘duty’ and having miserable Christmases, fuck yes are we doing ‘our own little family’ from now on.

You do you, leave SIL be, stop judging.

There is nothing little about my family and I'm not sure we could fit any more people in- it's standing room only if we have visitors. I don't care about that though, because social obligation is just a made up thing.
I'm uncertain if you are virtue signalling or just justifying your own martyrdom to yourself, but you might want to get an air freshener in, because some people find that the smell of burning martyr puts them off their sprouts.

Not for us. My husband's parents are dead. My parents sometimes go away at Christmas, sometimes stay home just the two of them, sometimes host everyone or just a few. But we are a very easygoing family!

TBH I think your SIL sounds utterly precious. I really dont understand the isolation of wanting to spend xmas "just with my little family"- family is family and the more the merrier at xmas. Otherwise Xmas seems no different to any other Monday/Sunday etc.