To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

My SIL is the opposite. She’s got too many cats, so can’t go to her parents ( who love outside of London) , so she wants them to come here every year for Christmas.

Great, except she’s too lazy to host, so she wants them to come to my house every Christmas. Along with her brother and his gf. And then we will all have Christmas and New Years dinner in my house. Which is also their family hotel for the week . 😆

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

This really jumps out at me.They are Sils parents,so really you wouldnt be hosting them anyway.So why does it bother you so much,

Also why do the BILs get a free pass.If the Bil wanted to spend Christmas with his parents,he could.He chooses not to.

I would take you to mean just one parent if you say on their own’ because if you have a mum and dad who are still together or have new partners then they wouldn’t be ‘on their own’ they would be with their other half. Which is nice sometimes too. I will always have the door open to both my mum and my in laws but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want one Xmas every few years just you and the kids. If it was demanded every year on the other hand or it meant somebody really would be all alone then of course you wouldn’t want that.

OP, I haven’t RTFT. I gave up after p2 after reading the comments calling you a sanctimonious martyr 🙄. You sound nice OP and it’s a very British thing to basically see parents as somehow secondary to your husband and children. In the majority of other countries, even just looking at Europe, celebrations include all of the family. There is a lot less pressure and if people want to sit in their pjs all day and watch tv and eat chocolate, they do that anyway, regardless of if it’s just their immediate or extended family. But, the dynamic in British some families is what it is and you will see those people as selfish and they will see you as a martyr. Unless their is a history, or they want to be alone, it seems a bit mean to leave parents alone in xmas day. Most parents spent years ensuring their kids had great Christmases, so it seems a little sad that those kids would see their parents as a burden at xmas (dysfunctional relationships not included obvs). I hope these same people won’t see this happening to them when they’re grandparents. They may have a very different view on it then.

As the parents /grandparents we would love to have Christmas just us !!

I think people put way to much importance on Christmas tbh. Any other day no one minds being alone really, but at Christmas it’s suddenly the end of the world.
You seem to want your family there, your sister doesn’t. No ones right or wrong.

expat very well said. You're right about the pressure Brits are under to perform Christmas. It's interesting, as many of my relatives are relaxed about Christmas except for attending Mass, but they are deeply Catholic. I wonder how much religion - or its lack - plays a part in the need for producing a 'perfect' Christmas. On the continent I think some nations are still more religious on the while an we are here, so the mamfocus of Christmas is perhaps the birth of Christ rather than preents and fun? I'm probably talkng out of my bum

Totally. It's basically shunting family obligations to elderly people I.E. My FIL

I refuse to do any kind of xmas ever because I hate the whole thing.
It's just me and my cat enjoying a couple of days off work.
This means my two sisters have to host xmas every single year and they get flustered and fed up.
My view is nobody is making you run yourself ragged, just say no, but they can't. They are making themselves feel obliged.
Everyone knows I'd be there for them in a big emergency, I'd be the first over, but Christmas......just no.

BTW I'm pagan, I celebrate the solstice with like minded friends without any great fuss but modern Christmas has become a disgusting free for all commercial festival and I cannot see what part it plays in either the Christian or pagan religions.

Jux I think Christmas just hasn’t been as commercialised as it has been in the UK. There are ads on TV and Christmas events, but on a much lesser scale. A lot of catholic countries celebrate with a dinner on Christmas Eve, so there isn’t the pressure of it being a whole day event. For some here in Spain there’s an emphasis on the religious side and for others the ‘santa’ aspect, but for the vast majority it’s about getting together with family (not just immediate, but a big gathering) and that aspect of being with family is a running theme for any important celebration here. Family gathering are super relaxed though, from what I have seen and experienced, and people do what they like. Some are chatting, some having a siesta, some playing games, some watching tv. There just isn’t that pressure to have ‘the perfect day’, just to be together and eat and chill. The eating is VERY important though 😂

@Jux

It's interesting, as many of my relatives are relaxed about Christmas except for attending Mass, but they are deeply Catholic. I wonder how much religion - or its lack - plays a part in the need for producing a 'perfect' Christmas. On the continent I think some nations are still more religious on the while an we are here, so the mamfocus of Christmas is perhaps the birth of Christ rather than preents and fun? I'm probably talkng out of my bum

I don’t think you’re talking out of your bum, you have just expressed what I feel. Christmas and it’s requirements seems to fill a hole in people’s lives, and I wonder if that’s due to the waning of religion.

When my kids have left home I fully intend on not bothering with Christmas I might go volunteer somewhere or eat junk and watch tv but turkey trimmings family nope nope and nope get me a beer

"but basically if they're in this country they're going to want to spend a part of Christmas Day with at least some of their children and grandchildren"

To me that's the height of selfishness. I have three Adult DD's and always hosted my Mother and she, my GFs. But, I would never put that level of obligation on any of my children.

I'm not an emotionally needy person, though. If you were really desperate for company, there's someone locally doing a community Christmas Dinner etc.

I do get obligation. I'm going to my eldest DD's (one of my other DD's will be there with my GC), but I'd rather not be moving out and just spend it with my youngest DD.

I think it's unfair to expect lifelong companionship from your children.

I smell burning martyr.

We'd be lucky to be invited to anyone, and we just don't have room here. But thanks for making me feel guilty.

Havaina and Jux I don't think it's that simple.

My parents are very religious but my mother always got so stressed curating the perfect Christmas that we were all walking on eggshells for over 48 hours from the afternoon of Christmas Eve until her boxing day lady bountiful hosting of reluctant elderly neighbor's was over and done with.

Everything was tightly scheduled and she was wound up to almost breaking point with the stress of it, and part of the stress was timetabling the elaborate cooking and hosting around both compulsory church services (midnight mass and 9:30 family service were both compulsory - the absolute tearful tantrums she threw the couple of times in my late teens when a sibling and I tried staying for a lock in in the pub on Christmas Eve were master strokes of emotional blackmail). Charitable hosting of anyone likely to be "on their own" - which also meant couples - whether they liked it or not, and charitable visits were also scheduled in, as was a very ostentatious emphasis on writing a list of who'd given what For Thank you Letters (said frequently accompanied by pause for approving comments) which made present opening very drawn out and laborious and sucked the joy out of it.

She always seemed to behave as though she was the star of the Truman show, secretly being watched by millions, at Christmas.

It's one of the reasons I like a low key, unstructured, relaxed Christmas at home without guests.

Before I went NC with my mum, no-one facilitated anything when we didn't see each other over Christmas. Only child as well.

When I invite people into my home, they also have to be of some benefit to the household.

My children are now adults and I have no expectations to spend time together. Of course it's great to see them and love spending time together. However, they also have their own lives and know I am more than capable of making my own plans.

My grandparents went away till next year and years ago when my fil was alive we used to all go for Christmas and then me and my husband to my parents when they were together. Now my fil has passed away and parents are divorced we have my mum at ours. Siblings of my husband still get invited to my mil but not us, sil goes on boxing day and brings meat and a few of her kids and 2 brother in laws go as single but we don't bother

@LovePoppy I am disappointed with them too. But she has also been very manipulative in bringing about this state of affairs.

Isn't Christmas magical? Snort

I agree Christmas seems more relaxed in more religious countries like Spain and Italy.

I wonder if on ave. people get as stressed about Christmas in France as they do in the UK? (As France is also not that religious)

I think it helps that in large parts of Europe you are more likely to have snow on Christmas - ready made magic and atmosphere without having to make it!

I completely agree, OP. And I would go further and say that a holiday feels more special if you have people over who aren't there all the time. Maybe it's a relic of my own childhood, but I like to have extended family there, at least for Christmas dinner. I understand wanting to be in your own house if you have kids, but I would have loved to have grandparents there if that had been possible (DH's parents died right after I met him, mine are overseas where they are needed by my single-mum sister at Christmas.) Assuming you have a good relationship with your parents, why wouldn't you want to see them at Christmas?

I think parenthood brings most of us a new understanding of how much our own parents love us. I would hope that would translate for most people in wanting to make them feel loved in return.

I agree with you OP, my sister was always a bit selfish like this (before she emigrated), didn't bother her at all that our parents would be on their own if they didn't come to us. And my parents would hate to be on their own on Christmas Day, they're on their own almost every single day. Some people are missing the "guilt gene", my sister is one of those and I'm not. Life would probably be easier if I was.

@RhythimIsRhythim I’m also married to PILs least favourite child. They choose the others over us always (we all live very close).

Its very disappointing. But they are adults who choose their choices.