To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

@LovePoppy I wouldn’t say he’s their least favourite child, it’s nothing as straightforward as that.

Just very different expectations of each based largely on cultural background and over-compensating for the mistakes their own parents made. Some pretty gendered assumptions about men standing on their own two feet all the time and women needing lifelong parental help, plus a hefty dose of “your son’s your son til he finds him a wife, but your daughter’s your daughter for the rest of your life”.

Basically SIL is daddy’s princess and MIL wants not to have a favourite because her own parents played favourites. And once the grandkid’s came along, that took over their lives- free childcare, helping out with money etc.

It’s not a scapegoat/golden child situation- I saw that between my mum and her sister and this is a million miles from that.

I doubt his parent’s have ever even thought he might want to see them at Xmas, and he’s definitely never said anything.

And SIL will very much push the “Susie and Sammy are so excited to see grandma and grandad at Christmas”. This is the woman who handed out thank you cards for her daughter’s birthday presents at our wedding, two months after the birthday and cards that featured a family portrait of them.

*Not their real names.

The emotional pressure being brought to bear is huge. Especially as FIL was given a terminal diagnosis three years ago and MIL is very scared about what will happen after he dies.

So yes, they are adults who make their own choices, but they are adults with their own frailties and vulnerabilities who are susceptible to pressure and manipulation like anyone else.

Incidentally, I have seen kids band together against a narcissistic parent and refuse to be played off against one another. An ex-boyfriend of mine was the second of four and by all accounts led a home revolution when he was little, convinced the rest of the kids they needed to stick together or they were done for. And it pretty much worked- the siblings all have one another’s backs, gravitate away from the parents and towards one another if the manipulations start getting too much.

I just saw this tweet and it made me think of this thread: twitter.com/michaelhogan/status/1207985785322057728

especially this reply: twitter.com/joannamont/status/1208011585391865856

@blaue that is hilarious thanks for sharing

The lack of "guilt gene" = "growing up".

Yes, loving others means considering their feelings. It doesn't mean being a slave to their feelings.

You don't have to feel guilty when someone tries to make you feel guilty.