To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

We have my mother and step dad and Brother and his wife every year, years ago we went to my mothers but we decided with the kids (and ourselves) we didn't want any travelling around on Christmas Day so it's always been come to us if you like but we're not moving and that's fine I've had big years and smaller ones and everyone is happy. It's totally not your place though to decide how someone else should spend their Christmas, it's very judgy and you make the parents sound like burdens

Well I lost my Mum 10 years ago (she died on the 19th Dec)! and she loved coming to us ,we lost my dad and my stepdad .So she would have been on her own otherwise .In truth I often thought how nice to just have one Christmas "off" (am an only child) and do our own thing .But when she came over for lunch it was really nice .By the evening we would open our parcels under the tree and talk about Childhood Christmases .Boxing Day we would host In Laws as well!.I would love to have even 5 mins with her now.Sometimes you have to step up to the plate and I think if you are the only child your relationship is a lot different to those with siblings TBH.Enjoy your time with them now while you can .

You've invented a set of social obligations, and you're cross that not everyone obeys them.

It's perfectly possible to be a nice person, and have a warm relationship with your parents and ILs, and not think that this means that them being alone at Christmas is a disaster to be avoided at all costs, or that if they're not with you, they need to be taken in by someone else, like some kind of waifs and strays.

also where did "Little Family" come from, it's such an annoying term

You sound like a sanctimonious martyr and a jealous and resentful one at that. this. You say you're happy to have them so why does it make a difference?

@DisPater

Disagree with you 100%.

And I never understand this desperation to HAVE to spend Christmas at someone else's house. Your parents are capable of being alone on Christmas day, and so is everyone else's. So many people put SO much pressure on themselves AND others at Christmas, and it's all bullshit.

If you see each other all-year-round, I don't see the need or desperation to HAVE to visit family on Christmas day and often Boxing Day too.

Me and DH are seeing our 2 adult DC (and their partners,) and various extended family members who live between 10 and 20 miles from us, on Christmas Eve lunchtime. (And we're all going for a meal together, at a local restaurant central to all of us... 18 of us in total.)

Then we are all having our Christmas day and Boxing day at our own homes.

As I said too many people put too much pressure on themselves all the time. (And also on others!) Plus, unlike many years ago, family members no longer live within 10 to 20 minutes walk of each other, and not everyone gets a whole 10-12 days off (like 22nd December to 3rd Jan!) Some people only get 2 to 4 days. And it's not only retail, it's some office jobs too!

@OnlyfoolsnMothers

I really dont understand the isolation of wanting to spend xmas "just with my little family"- family is family and the more the merrier at xmas.

Urgh I knew that gruesome saying would come up. 'the more the merrier,...'

AKA, the women in the family, (usually the younger ones, like under 50,) doing all the grunt-work and drudgery so that the selfish buggars who just HAVE to see extended family on Christmas day can have 'their fun.'

Have to agree with a few pps that the ones who insist on 'doing Christmas' with every fecker you're related to, usually aren't arsed for the rest of the year. What are they trying to prove???

Me and my DH and our adult DC, and our extended family, see each other all the time, at LEAST a couple of times a week, and spend time in each other's company, go for meals out, go to the cinema etc. So we don't feel the desperation to HAVE to see them Christmas day.

Very odd behaviour. And pushing yourself on people who WANT to be alone on Christmas day and Boxing day is just selfish and arrogant.

Yes FourStar but the OP has specifically said that's not the case here.

obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

In my 20's & 30's I felt similar. Longed to just chill at home instead of trekking to someone or having a houseful to entertain.

Now in my '40's we have our own little family every year....because that's all we have left.

As you say, enjoy the family. You'll have the big family memories & SIL and BIL will have quiet chilled pyjama day memories. I wouldn't begrudge them.

Cohle my PILs are not abusive. But they are unpleasant people, who I dread spending time with.

The other DIL loves them - she’s married to the favourite child. They have always been lovely to her, and treat me with total disrespect.

The OP doesn’t mention what relationship her SIL has with the ILs, and perhaps she wouldn’t say. I know I don’t advertise the fact we can’t stand PIL, we just avoid seeing them at Christmas these days.

I think when your kids are grown up you have to accept that a) there are now possibly ILs so things may change and b) nobody has an obligation to spend Christmas with anyone. I think it's up to your SIL whether or not she wants to spend Christmas with just her immediate family, if your PILs have an issue with that that is between her and them, nothing to do with you.

Personally I think me and my DSIS end up juggling things purely so that our DParents or each of our ILs get a really lovely meal that they would never do themselves, otherwise it's just another day but sometimes because of distance/DH's siblings being dead, PILs are on their own. That's life. To make sure nobody was on their own would mean me and DH spending every other Christmas apart which is crazy (and DD would spend Christmas without one parent).

I get what you mean OP. and I don’t think it’s a pressure of your own making. Christmas can almost be as political as wedding invites.

I guess I was lucky that growing up, my grandparents from both sides got on great (and my parents both only children) so everyone just gathered in one place and it wasn’t complex. I don’t take this for granted.

I massively agree with you OP and these people who allow others to pick up the slack.

This extends to those people who work in roles that don't get automatic Christmas break and yet expect people who are childfree or have older adult children to always take the shit shifts so they can be with their "little family" because obviously peoples loved ones who aren't small children are irrelevant.

I know someone who worked Christmas last year and all they did thereafter was guilt people that their kids were crying and claiming they said things that they clearly weren't old enough to articulate

Im an only as well.I had Christmas with just my kids and dp.

My parents are dead now,i have gc and i understand my son wants to spend it with his family.Not going from one house to the next.

If you like having people over fro Christmas thats fine,but not everybody does.And thats fine as well.

If you want Christmas on your own,do that.But what every body else does is their business.

What is the problem here, you have said you and SIL2 happily alternate and you like having people there, so it literally does not matter AT ALL what SIL1 does? We used to always have Christmas on our own, but this year my mum is on her own so of course she's coming to ours, I'm sure if circumstances change you would all rethink what to do but right now it seems to be working for you. You seem to be begrudging her despite saying you're happy doing what you're doing. If you're not, speak up.

I think it’s you taking on that responsibility rather than your siblings insisting that you do.

Also there’s nothing stopping you from saying you’re welcome to come over but we’ve decided to have a relaxed Christmas in pyjamas eating finger food this year’

What is all this “my little family” guff 🤮 it’s such an annoying phrase. It’s very instagram post isn’t it seeing Santa with my little family, making cakes with my little family.

I actually like my family, rare on here I grant you but Christmas is for family and I want all mine with me. Why wouldn’t I want to spend the day with people I like and love?? We are hosting again this year 20 people in total wouldn’t have it any other way, life is short spend it with those you love.

But martyrs don't speak up backtoma they seethe on online forums slagging off family members who are hopefully oblivious to the pent up resentment.

This seems like what you think. You have a lot of thoughts about this. You have a lot of thoughts about what you think the other members of family want. Do you actually know what the other members of your family really want? Not just your understanding of it. I feel like you think the sil should invite the parents.

I don't think I would do anything out of obligation to be honest.

I also think just the three of us on our own would be like every other day.

What I do wish is that when I was younger and single, I would have just stopped on my own or with a mate, watching what I want and eating what I want instead of automatically trooping over to my mothers.

I actively want to spend Christmas with my parents every year.

I think it's heartbreaking that some people would rather leave their parents by themselves on Christmas Day.

P1nk I agree, that's perfect for you but the fact that the OP has posted on MN suggests to me that she isn't 100 % happy about it and that's why she resents her SIL for opting out.

Remember that each sibling has a different relationship with each parent

This is very true. And also distance / logistics play a part. My DM is lives alone 5 minutes from DSis, a 5 hour drive from me. I don't invite her here as it means she would want to stay for several days which would seriously drive me to drink, and travel is a nightmare - she won't drive as it's too far and also won't do public transport, she has suggested previously I could drive up, stay overnight then drive her back the next day, then do the same for the return journey. Basically taking 4 days out of my Christmas break to traverse the motorways, which funnily enough I'm not keen on! DSis can simply pick her up and drop her home with a 5 minute drive.

I agree OP, my SIL refuses to see my MIL (widowed) until 3pm on Christmas Day. It isn't even that she wants to keep the day for her own family, she often spends the morning with friends. MIL lives in the same town as SIL so she doesn't have to stay over but I think it is a bit shit to sit on your own on Christmas morning when your daughter is 10 mins away with your grand kids.
However, we live 2hrs away and MIL doesn't drive so if she comes to us/ we go to her we have to drive and collect her or go to hers and then sleep in her/ our lounge on a blow up bed.
We always ask MIL what she wants to do, she usually comes to us, but this year we are going to my family (she is invited, my family is pretty big so one more makes no difference) but she doesn't want to come so we have left her to it, she will spend Christmas alone until 3pm, my SIL will not budge.
I think all you can do is include them in your plans but not completely pander to their whims. My MIL is most put out that we still plan on going to my family, she has mentioned it a few times and keeps asking me who is going - she has come along before and knows everyone, but it can be quite noisy as there are lots of children so I can understand why she would rather not come 😂 It's the snide comments that annoy me.
We are then travelling up to her house on Boxing Day and staying until the Sunday so it isn't like we are leaving her out.

If they want to have their own immediate family for christmas thats up to them
you choose how that impacts you
you sound a mix of smug , judgmental..."me and dh say x, y,z " but also a bit jealous ...
guess what different people have different ideas..

why dont you alternate? 1 yr you host one year you dont then everyone can plan/have time to organise alternatives...
1 friend does a 3 yr rotation - her parents, his parents, themselves...

tell them this year - that next year you'll be in barbados/staying in p's
maybe your DP will go away/cruise/holiday/help at CRISIS shelter who knows....

I think that, for so many now, families are far more complex than they used to be (more blended and everyone lives further apart) and that muddies the issue. There are a whole host of reasons why people end up choosing not to invite others for Christmas and I don't necessarily think that it makes them selfish. I also wouldn't see a couple spending Christmas together as them being 'left alone'.