Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

429 replies

DisPater · 17/12/2019 09:37

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

OP posts:
Fatted · 17/12/2019 09:40

Have you ever stopped to consider that your parents might actually want to be on their own on Christmas day?

tinytoast · 17/12/2019 09:44

You are pushing that obligation onto yourself. Invite whoever you want and exclude who you don't want.

Original poster
DisPater · 17/12/2019 09:45

Yes of course I have, they don't want to. They say they may go away one year, but if they're in this country they want to have Christmas with us.

OP posts:
AveAtqueVale · 17/12/2019 09:50

I slightly agree, which I know isn't popular. My dsis and her wife did this the other year which was a right pita, as it left my mum on her own. She definitely does not want to spend the day alone, and was very upset until we said she should come to us (which meant we were hosting her and MIL, and they don't get on that well). SIL's parents were also hurt and upset as their other daughter was at her in-laws, so it meant the following year one set of parents was bound to be pissed off as they'd been left out two years in a row.

I'm all for refusing to let people ruin your Christmas, or dictate ridiculous plans, and there's no sense seeing people you actively dislike. But my mum gets on well with DSIS and SIL. She'd happily have hosted or gone to them and fitted in with their plans, stayed for three days or done the round trip in a day, whatever they wanted. They've got no kids, they can have a day in bed eating oven food and watching TV (which is apparently what they wanted to do) any other day they like. I did think it was selfish. Not necessarily wrong, they were perfectly entitled to do it - but selfish.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/12/2019 09:51

I agree. We were seeing my in laws this christmas and my parents were supposed to be seeing my brothers family but for various reasons that didnt work out so I kind of felt obliged to invite them too as I knew they would feel a bit upset to be on their own, and I love them and didnt want them to be sad so of course I invited them. The more the merrier though for me, and I know they will help cooking or looking after the kids so it doesnt feel like extra work.

I guess if your SiL wants xmas day just her little family then fair enough that's her right but maybe her kids are missing out, some of my best memories of my grandparents are spending Christmas with them when I was young.

Winter2020 · 17/12/2019 09:52

Perhaps your SIL doesn't care what other people do or don't do. I agree with you that most people do care though.

If you do actually fancy a day in your PJs watching films and eating chocolate why not make that a boxing day tradition - you can heat up leftovers for lunch.

I think it boils down to you can't control what other people do - only what you do. But you can probably have a day with your own little family doing whatever you choose at least once a month if you want or work/shifts/kids activities permitting every weekend if you like.

SarahAndQuack · 17/12/2019 09:52

I think you're being a bit of a martyr, to be honest.

I'm grateful to my parents that they have always said quite firmly that they understand we will all want to do Christmas with our families now we're adults.

Calic0 · 17/12/2019 09:56

I don’t like the phrase myself, but then, I don’t have kids so no doubt I don’t understand. However, I always think that when I was a child (not THAT long ago) my Mum, my Dad my brother and I were “our own little family”. Although I have DH now, and my SIL and DNs I try not to forget that and always try and take everyone’s wishes and preferences into account.

rhubarbcrumbles · 17/12/2019 09:59

I'm grateful to my parents that they have always said quite firmly that they understand we will all want to do Christmas with our families now we're adults.

Your parents don't stop being family just because you are an adult and have children though do they?

Comefromaway · 17/12/2019 09:59

My parent's used to alternate between hosting and coming to us, or going to my brother's family but now they just stay at home.

Whattodoabout · 17/12/2019 10:00

YABU. I have never had my parents or IL’s over for Christmas. They aren’t elderly and infirm, they like spending it alone doing their own thing and sometimes go abroad for Christmas.

Original poster
DisPater · 17/12/2019 10:03

Perhaps I'm not being very clear. I personally don't mind them all coming round

But SIL and BIL are having their Christmas on their own, little family only etc. That's fine. PILs can come to us one year, SIL2 the other year.

Now if my parents changed their minds and decided to go away each Christmas, and DH and I then decided that we would also then just have Christmas Day at home, no visitors, that would leave BIL and SIL2 feeling obliged to invite PILs every single year. The alternative would be the in laws on their own, seeing no family at Christmas. They are nice people. SIL and BIL2 are nice people. There's no way they'd see PILs be on their own over Christmas, never mind how much they themselves may want a quiet day at home with their young children.

So if we stopped inviting PILs it would be on the understanding that we're putting that responsibility on to the remaining SIL, every year.

Of course everyone could just stamp their feet MN style and say, well I won't and you can't make me, but I'm yet to see the family where that happens and everyone stays friends.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 17/12/2019 10:03

I don’t see there’s an obligation to invite them as they would have each other. Unless they are very frail and elderly, what is wrong with them spending Christmas together at home as a couple? It is different if they would be completely alone when you would invite them every year.

BlaueLagune · 17/12/2019 10:04

I always spend Christmas with my mum but I don't think I would be particularly unreasonable to say we were going away one year if we wanted to do that. She might come too, she might not. She has plenty of friends she can spend Christmas Day with if she doesn't come to us anyway.

she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house

no she's relying on them doing something at Christmas that doesn't involve her. Which could be going to siblings spending it on their own, going away for Christmas, helping at a homeless shelter, whatever.

Christmas really is a massive PITA with all the obligation that it imposes on people.

Original poster
DisPater · 17/12/2019 10:10

They WANT to see their children and grandchildren at Christmas though. It means an awful lot to them. Both sets come from large, close families and are very family orientated. They'd never make a fuss or complain if they weren't invited anywhere, but if they had Christmas at home, just as a couple, it wouldn't be the same for them at all. Of course it would be different if they fancied going away one year, but basically if they're in this country they're going to want to spend a part of Christmas Day with at least some of their children and grandchildren

OP posts:
maddening · 17/12/2019 10:11

We have a nice rhythm of seeing dhs mum and dbro on Christmas eve and my parents and extended family on boxing day and have a chilled out day on Xmas day. We both work full time and it really works for us.

However why is it all about obliging everyone to be with certain people at Christmas, surely if it is a chore for anyone (outside of having V old parents who are frail and ill) then something is wrong.

Instatwat · 17/12/2019 10:12

We like to have Christmas on our own. I'm an only child, so that means my parents are on their own too. It's just 1 day out of 365; I see them frequently throughout the year and they know that I/we love them and value our relationship. I can't understand why people get so hung up about Christmas and bend over backwards to make it complicated with obligations and feelings of guilt.

Cohle · 17/12/2019 10:13

I agree with you OP. My parents would be gutted to be alone at Christmas and my brothers take it for granted that they can do whatever they and my SIL's want because of course I'll have mum and dad.

People need to recognise that if they want a) to do exactly what they want for Christmas and b) not to feel guilty about elderly relatives being alone, then it's someone else picking up the slack for their choices.

Instatwat · 17/12/2019 10:13

To clarify - they are still happily married and have each other! I suppose I would feel differently if they were all alone and I thought they would be lonely.

Aderyn19 · 17/12/2019 10:16

I agree OP. I won't travel at Christmas, but I do invite my family over and did invite my ILs every year when they were alive (DH is an only child).
I think some people don't care or feel responsible for other people's happiness, so long as they get to do what they want.

SerenDippitty · 17/12/2019 10:18

We always had my ILs to stay and my mum/sibling (now have family of their own) round every Christmas. It used to get on my nerves - I yearned for a Christmas alone with DH. DH is an only and his parents would have been incredibly hurt not to spend Christmas with him. They would certainly not have been happy to spend it alone together!

brassbrass · 17/12/2019 10:20

You sound like a sanctimonious martyr and a jealous and resentful one at that.

What your SIL wants to do is her business. You have no right to judge. There is no social obligation. Family gatherings only work if everyone is happy to attend and participate. Extend and accept invitations because you genuinely want to spend time with them.

If someone is forced to do it out of duty or obligation then it's a farce of martyrs and dysfunctional.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/12/2019 10:22

I wouldn't have them on their own

But they are not on their own; they have each other?

In terms of social obligation

Sorry, but that is a made-up pressure entirely of your own making.

I don't 'do' Christmas. I think it's crass, totally over-commercialised and most people seem to have lost sight of the fact it's supposed to be a religious holiday, not full of plastic tat and turkey and brussel sprouts.

It's also a time of multiple painful memories and anniversaries for me personally.

However, I appreciate that not everyone else feels like this, so I let them get on with it and tie themselves in knots about having the 'perfect' family Christmas.

As long as you're kind to the people in your life, just get on and do whatever you want to do. But don't expect everyone else to feel the same.

steppemum · 17/12/2019 10:23

I agree with you OP.
My parents are still pretty active, and late 70s. I have 2 brothers. They do not expect anyone to host them, and actually still host themselves every so often, but they would be very upset to be left out from all of our Christmases. For our family, Christmas has always been a day for family together. To leave one part of the family on their own (unless that was what they wanted) is selfish.

MorrisZapp · 17/12/2019 10:23

Agree. What you say is completely self evident.