To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

My df loves to have Xmas with us and would otherwise be alone. I'm one of 6 and the only one that will fetch him ( he's too old to make the journey on his own ) as none of us live nearby.
I can't see the point of celebrating Xmas if you're actively going to leave someone out that you know would like to visit. Barring toxic relatives of course.
It's the spirit of Xmas that counts.

anyone who pretends they don't (calling you sanctimonious / resentful oh piss OFF!) is clearly just feeling a bit guilty.

Oh no, the jig is up, we've been caught red-handed!
We are all just guilty and covering it up. Our dastardly deeds have been revealed.

If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

Since having children we have Christmas Day on our own in our own home with just our children.

When the children grow up I'm very happy for them to do the same themselves, whether they have children or not.

I'm more then happy to entertain and feed myself. Some days it sounds like a luxury to be honest.

Plenty of adults do not get hung up on the concept of Christmas Day being overwhelmingly important and accept that you can see relatives on other days.

So, this year, we are having Christmas Day at home, just our family. And yes, I will freely admit that this is because I do not want the hassle and stress of organising a "perfect" Christmas Day (see a zillion threads on MN re posters in despair). My brother is hosting my family and my parents on Boxing Day so I will see them all then. We are visiting DH's parents a few days after Christmas at a time that suited them.
Both my parents and DH's parents will be "on their own" on Christmas Day. Fortunately they are sensible to realise that seeing their family is the most important thing, not what day they do it on.

I do agree with OP that their are far too many societal obligations around how Christmas Day should be spent, and I think it's a positive thing that people are challenging them rather than perpetuating them.

It’s not the children’s job to entertain their parents during Christmas. I hope that DS when he’s a grown man still wants to celebrate Christmas with me, if he chooses not to, that’s his right.
Just like it’s your SIL’s right to spend Christmas as she wants, with her family.
Sorry, YABVU

I'm totally with the OP. I have a DB who has never hosted Christmas ever, not for me his DS, his DM or his DP's family. He is 43. He is happy to let me continue to host our DM on Christmas Day and come along if he feels like it. My DM would be devastated if she was on her own a Christmas so it always falls to me to make sure that doesn't happen. He is of course the golden boy though and cannot do anything wrong. I also host my DFIL as my DH's DS has a controlling DH who will not facilitate any contact with her family. Luckily my DM and DFIL get on. If we decided to go away for Christmas there would be two lonely old people on there own. They don't deserve that - even though it means Christmas plans for us can never change.

It's the spirit of Xmas that counts.

For a thread so heavily invested in what Christmas really really really means, not a lot of mention of the old J-man being born in a stable; and a lot more about a fancy lunch and some fairly commercial gift giving. All in a context of "I am considerably better than yow" for those who aren't quite so bothered by that one day a year.

I think if someone wants to just do their own thing for Christmas, they know that the parents might have to equally do their own thing for Christmas. I don't think it automatically means that they are thinking a sibling has to then look after the parent. That may not be their thought process but you appear to be thinking it is their thought process. As an example, we do our own thing. My parents live abroad but my brother has always gone to them. This year, he is spending it with his girlfriend. I am still doing my own thing and my parents will have to adapt. I have never once though by doing my own thing, I am putting my brother out or putting the obligation on him to spend time with my parents. I don't see the connection.

You've invented a set of social obligations, and you're cross that not everyone obeys them

This - which is unfortunately what I’ve done. Although it’s my grandparents while their sons (my father included) sit at home having a lovely quiet Christmas.

It what way is wanting to make sure your parents aren't feeling lonely on Christmas an "invented social obligation" rather than basic decency?

NYE @gothefcktosleep? I can understand the importance of Christmas to some people but thinking you have to go through that palaver for NYE is daft. Just go to bed.

Christmas is just one of the times when I am grateful that my FIL is such a massive prick that we don't ever have to see him!

As a child we never saw anyone at xmas. We lived at least three hours away from everyone and it wasn't practical. As a result it's a bit alien to me to have lots of visitors round at Christmas.

Since we've had our own place we've hosted PIL twice and my side twice. This year we're not going anywhere and no one is coming here. DH only has xmas and Boxing Day off and they are his 'days off' that week, he's shattered already bless him. The last four xmases we have felt pressured to get presents done by x or dinner in by y and I'm quite looking forward to it being chilled. I just don't understand this need for everyone to be together on one day. We see each other regularly anyway, and we're all introverts and prefer smaller crowds too...

Now if you don't feel guilty and you don't give a shit, or if your family member is horrible or lives in Australia, then crack on, but most people in run of the mill ordinary families would feel guilty if dear old Mum is home alone.

What an assumption. My husband and I have traveled to see his parents for almost a decade around Christmas and this year he has decided after this last trip, it isn’t worth the hassle anymore. He gets on with his parents, but it is us traveling for 5-10 hrs one way depending on traffic with two small children spending it doing what we would do at home and spending twice as much money because of it while fitting around their schedule. It isn’t relaxing for me nor him since it is spent trying to distract the highlight is going off to Edinburgh on my own for the day:

I'd not leave someone entirely on their own on Xmas day, but I think if your parents/PIL are both fit and well there should not be an expectation that they have to be with their children/grandchildren on Xmas day. If that's what everyone wants, great. But it should not be an obligation. I think this goes both ways too though. A few years ago my DP decided they didn't feel like hosting Xmas or travelling on Xmas day so they did their own thing for the first time. They have made it quite clear that actually this worked better for them- so they will see us over the holidays but another day when the DC are less over-excited and there is not the unspoken obligation to cook a huge feast etc.

It what way is wanting to make sure your parents aren't feeling lonely on Christmas an "invented social obligation" rather than basic decency?

It's a rude assumption that parents will be forlorn and bereft unless you come charging in in your festive horse to rescue them from the misery of their lonely empty lives.

Unless pp do this every day of the year when the situation would be identical, then it rings somewhat hollow.

(the reality of course is that parents are more than likely having a very nice and fulfilling life indeed thank you very much)

@caperplips

they DO expect to spend Christmas with grown up children / grandchildren and if some of the children opt out leaving only one or two to pick up the pieces, it's really not fair, is it.

Sounds like some of the 'children' have realised that their parents do not dictate their lives once they grow up, and some haven't.

If your parents expect to spend Christmas with grown up children / grandchildren , you still have a choice about whether to give in to their demands or not. If you prefer to have them over for the sake of peace / because you like having them over / because you would rather put up with some inconvenience and know that they are happy, that's entirely your choice. But don't complain about it if siblings make a different choice.

What other parental expectations do you insist adult children fulfil? Do they get to dictate what job you do, where you live, what partner/how many children you have?

Or, at some point, do you set some boundaries?

(Posted too soon)

*trying to distract our sons from all the Christmas figurines and tree so they won’t touch them while not having anything to do once it gets dark other than to wait for bedtime to come around to put them to sleep. The highlight of the trip for me is going off to Edinburgh on my own where I can go to the Christmas festival and a cheeky trip to the spa.

This is mad and patronising if refering to independent adults! I hope my children don't regard me as a duty or charity case when they're grown up! Why do so many people seem to think that their parents, especially when still together or living with a partner/ spouse, won't be able to entertain themselves?

My parents still live to host in their 70s and wouldn't consider being anywhere other than their own home. They have all sorts of people at Christmas lunch, not just family.

We used to go to PIL when MIL was alive, the year after she died BIL took him away for Christmas, last year he forgot all about us and was off with a new woman, this year he's single and coming to us. I don't like hosting Christmas and would much rather it was just us and the kids though, I never enjoyed the elaborately planned and timetabled Christmases my parents did and prefer just let the kids do whatever amount of decorating they feel like, cook a roast and watch the children open their presents, I don't want presents myself, and certainly don't want activities or games or communal walks or anything else like that. I feel as though most people expect a big planned faff at Christmas and I have enough of that at work, I can't bare it at home too.

Plus, my in-laws have two other adult children with their kids and other family members that live close by so they won’t exactly be lonely if we’re not there.

*him = FIL

I actually like to have guests at Christmas, I spend loads of days with just DH and the kids I don't want Christmas day to feel just like any other!

That said I wasn't going to invite my parents this year but DH did it behind my back. This is because every year we invite my parents to ours for dinner and every year my Mum holds off as long as possible before accepting to see if my DB and SIL invite her instead as that is where she would rather be.

That invite never happens of course so we then have her sitting with a face on all day because she doesn't really want to be at our house (my Dad is just happily oblivious to everything).

So yeah my DB and SIL want their family christmas just them and as a result I have to deal with a sulky pensioner every year but I don't for a second think that they should suddenly invite them just to cut me slack.

Why don’t your parents (and parents in law) host? Are they not able to? In my family we all return the favour. So everyone gets a year off (although in reality the women all pitch in on the day, while the men play with the kids - very sexist I know!)

I'm hosting this year ... but generally my house rule when DC where little was: nope we are not going anywhere (kids have new toys and want to play with them...) but anyone who wishes to visit us is more than welcome. We usually have a buffet style lunch so it's not a big deal who or how many people where coming.

That's not what I said though Buzz is it? I said "making sure your parents aren't feeling lonely". If they are genuinely happy to make their own arrangements then that's obviously fine. This is clearly an issue you fee sensitive about...