To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

I do see what you mean so I don’t think YABU.

My parents would hate to spend Christmas alone and would prefer to spend it with all of us...

However, I am not inflicting that sort of Christmas on my DD (or future kids). Me and my DH don’t have the best relationship with DM so we compromise and host them on another day in the Christmas period.

For the sake of fairness we don’t go over to our in-laws either.

I have two siblings who aren’t in relationships and won’t have children (both have moderate/mild disabilities) and on DHs side I don’t see them ever being alone on Christmas.

If either side were alone at Christmas we’d be more flexible but for the foreseeable future that is not the case thankfully.

@daisychain01 I don't ever remember people saying it, growing up, but the last few years it seems to be everywhere.

I think it's just the addition of the word "little" as this sort of thing was said a lot in the 70s and 80s!

There are a lot of people almost boasting how they organise an annual rota system so their parents and in-laws aren't "left alone" (oh the horror! ).

Can you imagine how it would feel to know you were being so clinically organised without your involvement or opinion? Like a piece of meat dutifully being rotated till its use-by date.

We don’t have parents for Christmas, my mum and SDad go to his parent or sister with his parents as they are very elderly.

DHs parents came one year and MIL was so awful we both vowed we’d never let her spoil Christmas again. The go to BIL every second year and friends/other family on year in between. We are 5hrs drive away so they’d need to stay for the duration, BIL/SIL can think we’re as selfish as they like.

Nope. My parents are both dead. As are all GPs.

XH lives abroad and can’t get leave over Xmas, so DCs won’t see him this year.

DP and his DCs spend the day with his ex and her family.

DBro and DSis spend their Xmas with their in laws.

So my Xmas day will literally just be the people who live in this house and nobody else will even notice.

TBH I’m happy with it that way, but certainly nobody else is facilitating it! And if anyone asks and thinks I’m being smug when I tell them it will just be us at home for the day, they can piss off.

I remember a thread this time last year, someone posting about a couple who were neighbours I think, not relatives anyway, who were absolutely devastated that none of their children had invited them for Christmas and dreading the thought of spending it on their own. They were so upset that the poster was thinking of inviting them to hers.

DH and I are fine on our own (apart from DB’s dog) - we have no children but had 25 years of spending it with parents. I understand why some older couples want to see their children and grandchildren though - especially if they don’t live near enough to be involved on a daily basis..

@RhythimIsRhythim your anger should be at PIL who don’t think your husband is important.

Not at how your SIL spends Christmas.

Ummmm.... they would do what normal human adults do.....

My Grannie is in her 90s. She remarried 14 years ago. He has 4 children plus other family. He sees them all reasonably regularly. They have spent every Christmas in the last 14 years with us/my parents. That is fine and we are happy to have them, but it makes me sad that none of his children or grandchildren have ever invited them on Christmas day.

YABU.

I've had a complicated Christmas this year, trying to oblige grandparents and adult children. Arrangements now made to everyone's satisfaction.

However this all comes about by the idea of obligation. Luckily my parents are in good nick and can / could look after themselves. Ditto my adult children. When I get fed up of trying to make everyone happy, I remember we are all able bodied human beings of sentient mind and spirit and could organise ourselves if I didn't do so.

Your SIL is allowed to have her thing, and it helps break the pattern of this year your parents / next year mine that traps families into years of unspoken resentments at not being free to do as we all damn please!

While i agree with you in that I wouldn’t want to see our parents alone at Christmas I have no problem with families not wanting to host anyone and have Christmas at home alone. I certainly don’t see it as a selfish thing or pushing it on other members of the family.

As adults our parents our big enough and daft enough to entertain themselves or go out for dinner etc.

That said I’ve had my in laws for Christmas every year bar 3. First was our first married and we had wanted just us but ended up with my mum, one year they hosted sil and the following year (after them being terrible hosts and making it clear to sil and bil they would have rather come to us) we claimed to not have room - our two dcs had been young enough to sit on a tiny table ne t to us but we wanted them at the big table.

They know they have an open invitation to ours but I don’t see it as an obligation to host them.

Europeans would weep?

😂 like this you mean?

Yanbu. Four out of five years my sibling will go abroad with her own little family or go to her PILs, leaving me and my own LF to have Xmas with our DM. Sometimes I would like to do my own thing with my own little family, but our DM would be devastated about being alone.

I like everything about Xmas except for Xmas itself because the stress of who is where is just too much, and Christmas Day is never as good as you feel it should be after such a hard negotiated UN style agreement.

I wanted my DC to wake up in there own home on Xmas morning like I did when I was a aDC and my DH. Funny enough MIL forgot that when she demanded that we all go to hers for Xmas (involved a long drive and staying over) as she might not have many left, she was 55 at the time. We live 5hrs from my mum and 3 from PIL. Very happy for people to come to me but I was unreasonable allegedly at suggesting they come to us and because my BIL didn’t mind heading to MIL at Xmas with his family that reinforced the view I was unreasonable ..... no idea if BIL feels put upon but as I stated I have invited them to mine and they chose to come once when BIL was going to his in-laws. It ended up being tense and stressful as MIL has her own views on how things should be ..... my mum funny enough has no issue about coming to me or going to my sisters

YANBU

People's potential guilt at or liability to criticism for not having their parents over is assuaged if their sibling is hosting them instead. My brother doesn't usually see my parents on Christmas Day; he goes away or to friends or to in-laws. So I know I will always have to factor my parents in to my plans. We don't have equal freedom. He isn't expected to make sure he sees my parents and wouldn't feel guilty about it.

Obviously this doesn't apply to people with no family, family who don't want to come, etc. Obviously.

I don't really understand wanting to be "just us" for Christmas. It's "just us" (me, DH and DS) for Christmas most years since my parents live overseas and his live across the country. It's dead boring. I would kill to have a nice big dinner with family. But I'm an extrovert who thrives on the chaos. I love all the noise and chatter. Anyway, this year we do have the inlaw coming in so we will have six adults and one kid in our house for five days. I am so excited!

I think every family have different dynamics and one size doesn't fit all. It's nice to do whatever you please some years. Do you are being a little unreasonable if it's not happening every year. That said, my dB announced several years ago that him, sil and the two children would always from now on just have Christmas themselves in their own house - every year. This was after a few years of either going to mines or parents - never theirs. For our small family (who all live close by) I found this very selfish especially as my parents are ageing. They take and take and look for favours, childcare all year long and give zero in return. For a few years my parents sat alone because my in-laws were dying and their Christmases were few. So I have my parents or vice versa now and when I don't I feel sad for them. They never ever pressure us to have Christmas with them but I want to.

I don't know how old your parents are, but could they have inherited a way of thinking from an earlier generation? When I was a child the rule was that Christmas was non-negotiable. It was spent with the family, and even thinking about an alternative was simply not an option.

I will never feel obligated to have someone in my house that I don't like nor want there. No matter what holiday season or society things.

My MIL is banned from my house. Including at Christmas. If she wasn't such a POS maybe she wouldn't be alone and one of her 3 children would actually want to spend time with her.

YABU

I agree, and have a SIL who says stuff this. I do have a sister who will always with family come either before or just after Christmas. However, one year it was my in-laws’ turn for me and my parents were on their own because DB and SIL ‘needed a break ’ (or something). They were fine, opened a bottle of champagne, it just seemed a bit unnecessary for them to be on their own all day (especially when they aren’t far away) for imo a non-reason.

You don't sound like a martyr to me OP, just like someone who is considerate of other people's feelings.

You are aware in your situation that if everyone decided to have an insular Christmas, there would be parts of your family who would feel upset. Obviously while there is no obligation on you to salve that upset, it is indeed a real pressure.

Some people don't, won't or can't shoulder te burden of understanding that other people's happiness matters too.

I have spent many years cooking over Xmas day and Boxing Day for 6 kids, partners, in laws etc. I’ve loved every single one of them, even 2016 when I cooked for 19 of us.

Now my youngest has left home and it’s just me and DH. Somehow I’ve been pushed into visiting one of them for 3 days over Xmas. My DH didn’t really know how to say no lol. Bless him. I’m looking forward to seeing them of course, but kind of liked the idea of just me and him alone after all these years.

Never mind, maybe next year lol

Blimey, I’m totally with you, OP. Unpopular, clearly, but families come with obligations and expectations and yes, of course you could bin everyone off and have a day to yourself with the family but you sound like a nice person who cares about other people’s feelings and like the guilt would spoil it massively. Your SIL (and husband? we do seem to heap allllll the emotional labour into women 🤢) are mega selfish, I reckon. Only a massively self absorbed prick would leave older family members alone over Christmas (abusers not included obv). Me and my partner alternate years with his parents and mine, and whoever doesn’t spend Christmas Day we see on Boxing Day - I’ve coordinated this with my brother so they are never abandoned; they would be really sad, and it will be even more important when they are on their own when one dies. His brother has totally opted out and does whatever he wants depending on who he happens to be shagging😂 which is fair play - but we have small grandchildren in the mix who the grandparents are desperate to see and share. We have our pyjama day on the 27th when we are desperate for it! You’re carrying the emotional load for them (and the actual load, because preparing Christmas is graft. I’m totally with you!!

I'm grateful to my parents that they have always said quite firmly that they understand we will all want to do Christmas with our families now we're adults.

But this only works if your parents have each other. If your mum or dad are on their own, it's completely different.