To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

If you want to have them then do, seeing as you say you do then what does it matter what everyone else does?

We have Christmas with my in laws every single year because my DH feels like that they couldn't possibly be on their own at Christmas in case they hated it. Well I hate having them for reasons I won't go into and it spoils my Christmas. Perhaps it would be nice if it wasn't just their feelings that were considered all the time. Why can't they just have it on their own sometimes? They don't manage to crack a smile when they are here. So yabu. Just because you want your parents and in laws to be with other people and not just each other at Christmas does not mean your DSis or DSIL have to want the same thing. Your parents / PILS wouldn't be alone. They would have each other. I'd be perfectly happy to spend the day with just my DH when my DC are older. I like my DH and spending time with him. We could have a very merry Christmas.

It is just a day. It is a time to be kind. A day of ‘our little family ‘ is very selfish when there is extended family to be considered. Just think of others, entertain and find your time elsewhere

I agree with you OP, i would absolutely LOVE to have done the little family, just one year. Not because I was ever precious about my own traditions and Christmas crap but because it would have been nice for just the four of us to open our presents, cook together, all sit at a lovely table with chairs that matched, eat a fabulous meal that we all liked, loads of wine then watched films that the wider family may not have approved of.

Just the reduced effort really.

But i don’t. One adult DB with LD, one who lives 200 miles away, so its me, every year its me doing it all.

What cold hearted sod would leave their parents alone with their adult DS with special needs and have a cosy little selfish Christmas.

It’s one day I remind myself, and we still have lovely ski trips in January with our “little family” - said tongue in cheek, where we can swear, eat what we want, have too much to drink, debate and argue loudly and no one else is part of it.

We don't have equal freedom. He isn't expected to make sure he sees my parents and wouldn't feel guilty about it.

You actually do. You choose instead to cater to others.

Just own it

I don’t feel guilty about having Christmas as just us four. We have an open house if people want to come over but for us it’s about lounging in pjs, eating drinking and opening presents.

We have either entertained people and spent all the time away from the kids, or we have had to take the kids away from their lovely new gifts on Christmas Day.

Christmas days with your little ones are few and far between, lots of time for all of that when they are older. I don’t regret it one bit

One year we spent Christmas Day on our own and then discovered on Boxing Day that my PIL has been alone as my BIL had other plans. I felt so awful we have never done it again. We have Christmas morning and lunch at home then go there for the afternoon and back again the next day for lunch.

I voted YANBU and I suspect your SIL and her little family have no idea what their decision impacts on others.

I wouldn't leave a single parent on their own but I don't see why a couple can't have Christmas on their own. It's rubbish having to do the same thing every year and feel guilty if you don't!

@bmbonanza If you want to have them then do, seeing as you say you do then what does it matter what everyone else does?

It’s hard to martyr yourself and blame others for your choices if you can’t complain about how someone else celebrates

Just to add, my DS insists on having my mum every Xmas (I'm not allowed to invite her lol!) and New Year. DS is away for New Year this year and my mum is thrilled she can stay in on her own and not be dragged out for the evening. She said, you won't expect me to come to you, will you?! Some people are gagging for some peace!!!

I have a sil who does this nearly every weekend, something special and separate for "her little family" I think it's really selfish and makes me cringe every time she says it

I suppose this all depends on one’s view of Christmas. If I were to spend it “with my own little family” it would be like so many weekend days throughout the year but with presents thrown into the mix. I like as many friends and family as possible around me at Christmas. I don’t feel obliged to invite and would be sad if we weren’t together. I also think Christmas is a lot about doing things for others & being kind. Loads of other times in the year to be “selfish”.

I find it utterly bizarre that people think a family are selfish for wanting to spend time as a family unit 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Peppapeppapeppapeppa - I haven't finished the thread yet so you may have answered but why does having your inlaws mean you can't see your parents?

I get where you're coming from. My DB only lives an hour away but my DM (widowed many years ago) will not drive on motorways anymore and will only travel to him by train which would mean going on xmas eve and returning Boxing day at the earliest. She also has an older sister (single, no kids) who is in poor health and would not leave her alone at Christmas. We happily have DM and aunt if she is up to it to us but my SIL will bang on about how lovely their Xmas day is, just the 4 of them doing their own thing and then coming to see us all on Boxing Day. We end up hosting both Xmas day and boxing day. It would be nice if they even offered for us to go to them but they don't.

We have Christmas day just the 5 of us for lunch and then friends after lunch. I have a Christmas Day with my Mum, Dad and see IL’s at some point but not actually on Christmas Day. We love how relaxed it is just us. I have never thought to feel guilty about this. I have a brother and 2 step sisters and my Mum and Step Dad this year are with one of them. Some years they don’t see any of us. Although we always have a special day with them at some point.
My Dad works for crisis Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day every year so we haven’t seen him for years. This year our Christmas get together with him is early Jan.
I think everybody had to do what is right for their immediate family. I don’t think they are being unreasonable at all and I am sure your parents would understand if you had one Christmas Day just you, hubby and kids. You could see them Christmas Eve, Boxing Day etc

We both do shifts and often work Christmas Day. Being deliberately contrary then it could be argued l facilitate other peoples Christmas’s when l work. I find most of my family hard work and on a rare Christmas off don’t want to do the family thing. The last time l spent Christmas with my family l bought, ordered, collected and cooked everything. No one helped me or contributed and did not want to do the washing up. Not doing that again.

Nobody has ever facilitated our small family Christmas, we all have different lives, what a bizarre thread.

I agree, our arrangements every year are effectively dictated by an extended family member doing this. We are happy with the arrangement as it happens, but I know the parents are a bit sad that one of their offspring and family never wants to see them on Christmas Day.

@Drabarni How rude. This is a Christmas thread about families who attend to one another. Kindness in this season is never bizarre. Families who are independent of one another be more uncommon.

I’m sort of dreading Christmas. We have DM and DSDad coming. When DD was born we moved to be closer to them (my DF died before DD was born). We always went to them for Christmas and usually either my DSis and her family joined us, or some of DSD’s family would come. All of them live away, but would stay a few nights.

Twenty years down the line the DPs are in now in their late 80s, getting frail and forgetful. Christmas with them is less ‘fun’. The past few years the rest of the family have strangely been otherwise occupied at Christmas, so we have the DPs every single year. It means we have had to turn down invitations from friends several years running.

I get that they’re now ‘hard work’ (Don’t I know it!), but yes we are definitely facilitating the rest of the family’s lovely Christmases as everyone know that Mouldi will have them. I’m the least martyr-like person you could ever meet, but I could never just leave them on their own as I know that (despite protestations to the contrary) they would be terribly hurt. Everyone acknowledges that we pick up the slack because we live close to them, but it doesn’t change anything.

Yes I do resent it.

My parents don’t like to travel so they go to DB every year. But they also get all the babysitting, waiting in for parcels, lifts to the airport, financial help etc, so I feel no guilt at our family unit Xmas at all.

DISCLAIMER: haven't read the whole thread.

Doesn't anyone ever speak to their family members first? Maybe they don't actually want to spend every Christmas with you? Maybe they'd like one that's completely low-key.

We do every other Christmas at my parents. Yes we like sometimes having a completely low-key Christmas, however this is due to distance. We all get on and everything is completely relaxed.

If you come from a family that tends to get together at Christmas it’s very difficult to extricate yourself from it without causing offence and upset. Obviously anyone can do whatever they want and make plans without reference to family or anybody else — but unless you have a very thick skin you might find the fall out and guilt isn’t worth it.

For 15 years we did Christmas on our own the last 4 of those included DS. Then every second year I invited Mil and her DH and my Parents. So we have every second year alone and I love it. I love the family ones too but something about being on our own.