To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

My DP has two sisters. In the 16 years we have been together one sister has had their parents once for Christmas, the other has never had them.

We have had them half of the time (or we’ve gone to them) the other half we have spent with my parents (I don’t feel bad for my parents the years we don’t go to them as I have 3 younger siblings who will spend the day with them).

I feel really bad for them, they’re nice people and would do anything for their daughters, but they want Christmas Day just ‘them’.

This year my brother is home from abroad with my little nephew, so we will be spending Christmas with my family (arrranged about 6 months ago). I was hoping one of DPs sisters might invite in-laws to them, but no, it hasn’t happened yet again, so we are doing Christmas Day for them at ours on Boxing Day. At least that way they’ll get a Christmas dinner with family, even if it’s not on Christmas Day.

My parents very much want to have Christmas Day to themselves and I respect that. When all 4 of us are together we do the same and visit people on Boxing Day. When my son is away we sometimes go to in-laws.

This of course if I'm not at work.

I'm very much a pj's and chocolate Xmas day. When kids were little I refused to spend my day with 3 hyped up kids trolling round to other people's homes. We alternated Xmas eve with one set of in-laws and boxing day with the other set. Now I only have one at home (10yr old) last year the eldest hosted myself and his sisters, it was lovely as he's like me, we just love peace and quiet. This year eldest daughter will be her with her little sister (just an excuse to be little again I think 😂) then we are off to hers for nibbles as its her first Xmas in her own home.
I have looked at the language you use op
"social obligations, rude and selfish" and you sound like a martyr "ooh look at me aren't I selfless.. Blah blah blah. It's up to sil how she spends her time. Stop sounding so judgemental. Sometimes a quiet family Xmas is just what's needed after a busy year and all the hype leading up to the big day. Maybe they don't want to cook for everyone or maybe they are just tired. Nobody's business but their own.. 😁

christmas needs to be discussed well in advance, it's not OK for any family member to be on their own. We look on Christmas as 2 separate days, i.e. 25th and 26th, and make plans accordingly. I think you need to give yourselves permission to have the christmas you want, as long as its agreed beforehand., and everyone is accommodated somehow. Go back to old adage You can please some of the people all of the time , etc. Remember the season is really all about children, not an excuse to act like them.

not OK for any family member to be on their own.

It really is! Some of us like it!!!

I think the Op is being observational not judgemental.

She knows her mum won’t like being alone at Christmas. She said she liked hosting her mum - it’s the sister relying on it that that’s the issue.

We have a similar thing. My parents are the other end of the country. My sibling lives close to me but has livestock and his wife has family nearby.
So that’s it. I go, or they spend Christmas alone. It’s not being a martyr but actually I am doing the sibling a favour too. They never have to feel uncomfortable our parents are missing out ( they also don’t have to budget for a shed load of accommodation and food every year).

Why is it more selfish to say you want a quiet Christmas on your own, than to say you don't want to be left on your own, so someone else must host you? The first affects literally no one else, the second requires other people to mould their plans to include you.

It’s not

But doesn’t fit the narrative

We do Christmas just the four of us. This will be our fourth year doing it. We used to hike the DC all over the country, lugging gifts and other paraphernalia and I just got sick of it. We happened to buy our house the summer after I said 'no more' so it was an ideal time to start a new tradition of just us.

My dad and step mum like to have it just them. There's other family local to them, but they don't always see them on Christmas Day. My FIL passed a couple of years ago so now my MIL is on her own. She goes to BIL (3 GC there) for a couple of hours in the morning but spends the rest of the day by herself, which I'm sure you'll be horrified by. We offered to go up the year FIL passed but she said no. Because she works in retail, she's usually at work until late Christmas Eve and is back in on Boxing Day for the sales, so to be honest, once she's back from BILs, she's usually happy to do nothing and enjoy her one day off in peace.
We then go up a few days later and do a second small Christmas Day with her.

We have no family local to us (closest is over an hour away) so any seeing family at Christmas requires an overnight stay, so as lovely as would be to see them all at Christmas, it just isn't feasible.

I tend to think you have 364 other days in he year to be your own little family, so have a heart and include other people if you can at Christmas.

I tend to think you have 364 other days in he year to be your own little family, so have a heart and include other people if you can at Christmas

You also have 365 other days of the year to include your extended family. Just a thought

364.darn

It does sound a bit selfish to me to refuse to host the older generation at Christmas. However, maybe it depends on how things operate throughout the year. We don’t see my parents at weekends because with our work patterns (and even theirs since they haven’t managed to retire by 70) there isn’t time or energy. The holidays are when we catch up with them and when we are all free.
However, if you’re a family that hangs out every weekend etc then maybe xmas isn’t such a big deal.

It's all theoretical for me as, apart from the kids, DH and I only have one living relative in the country between us. And they spend a lot of time with us, not just Xmas day.

Over the years though we've shared Christmas with friends whose partners were working in the NHS, were recently dumped, or lifelong singletons whose own parents had gone on a cruise, the man across the road whose wife had left him, some bulgarian students who my mate had met the week before in a bar and would have been on their own, old lady who volunteered on something at my work,...etc etc. Not all at once of course. Every single one of those times was really fun, and felt a hell of a lot more festive than being with our "own little family".

PJs and telly are what Boxing Day is for.

I don't understand why if you have the chance to make someone you care about happy by spending time with them (all disclaimers about demanding, unreasonable, offensive people aside), you would choose not to.

"For a few years my parents sat alone" (+ similar comments)

Dear god, could it get any more condescending?

Do people really think their relatives are completely unable to cope for one day of the year? That they sit huddled in a cold dark house with stale bread and water.

What the everloving heck do you think they do the rest of the year when you don't bestow your Lady Catherine de Bourgh act on them?

I don't see many people saying no one is allowed to come to their house. The folk saying they're going to have Christmas with their own little family usually seem to mean 'I'm staying in my own house this Christmas because I've had enough of travelling the country on the one day of the year everyone else seems to get to relax at home.'

Or in our case because we haven't been invited and the relatives in question have invited someone else.

Part of the problem is that different families do Xmas so differently.

The last time we spent it with my parents, they had the TV on all day and the booze out from breakfast. Which is perfect for many people, but I can't think of anything i want to do less than watch Xmas day soaps for hours on end and be drunk by lunchtime.

DHs family are the other extreme - no booze whatsoever, no presents til evening, just a drawn out day of eating and moaning about being too full and bored.

My parents would hate Xmas at mine, as they wouldn't see their friends or other family. My inlaws would be horrified by the kids ripping into presents first thing, view it as completely excessive, and be massively disappointed by my Xmas lunch.

So it works best to see everyone at some point, but have Xmas day alone. I really enjoy a weekend before or after Xmas with my parents and in laws, but I don't think any of us would enjoy it so much on the day itself.

I don’t think you are a martyr OP. I suppose it depends on how you’ve been brought up and what your parents mean. I would never in a million years be able to enjoy my Christmas Day if my parents were on their own and not joining in wider celebrations. My DD’s Christmas is all the richer for having her grandparents in it.

I would never in a million years be able to enjoy my Christmas Day if my parents were on their own and not joining in wider celebrations. My DD’s Christmas is all the richer for having her grandparents in it.

Fine - but don't moan about your siblings not doing the same, and your parents being a 'burden' that they won't 'share'.

I have looked at the language you use op
"social obligations, rude and selfish" and you sound like a martyr "ooh look at me aren't I selfless.. Blah blah blah. It's up to sil how she spends her time.

Op doesn’t actually say “rude” or “selfish” though!

I don’t think it’s condensending to think about your parents. Of course they’d be fine and some prefer to be doing their own thing. ( my mum has come down for Christmas to see all the grandchildren and left my dad on his own with all the dogs - both parents happy). However surely Christmas is the time when you have to actively consider them in your plans for the period though.

I definitely sit on both sides of the fence on this one. On the one hand my in laws are great and would love nothing more than tk spend christmas with their hoard of grandchildren. And it is lovely to facilitate that. They also do not want any of us to feel obligated to havr them and quite happily go away on cruises as well so we don't.

On the other we had both sets of grandparents all Christmas every year when i was growing up. Christmas was always about duty and obligation. They wouldn't play games or do anything fun. The most fun i would have would be washing up with dad whilst we played a new cd one of us had got. This would ineveitably be after the Christmas argument. (Usually my mum and either sister or dad. Once over countdown)

Sorry but I think YABU. This is the last year I am hosting Xmas for my kids. And that’s only because DD has just had a baby. DS has stated he has party invites so he will be hanging Xmas day and Boxing Day so we are seeing him Xmas eve. Next year they are getting an invite for Boxing Day. If they can make it, great, if they can’t, that’s also great. Stop forcing your expectations on other people. Different if one of your parents is alone, with no partner or other family. but frankly DH and I are looking forward to having our first Xmas in nearly 30 years all on our own next year.

You are kind Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

@Morporkia I would be relieved if my mum felt like you do, but mine is now widowed so I can’t leave her on her own on a day when nothing isn’t open for her to do other things. SIL’s mother has just died so she and DB have announced in advance that they will be away next Christmas. I suspect this will now be what they do now she is ‘free’ of obligation. I suspect they want to spent future Christmases somewhere away from family, ergo compromise. While I choose to spend Christmas with my mum I also have no choice and that is different.

I had similar Christmases, also hours away from home @ExpletiveFairylighted

Happy memories of squeezing onto a chair arm to eat Christmas dinner!