To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

I think I'm with you on this one. It's pretty selfish to unilaterally declare that you want to do your own thing, and make everybody else fit in around you.

I understand that sometimes you want to have time alone with the family unit that live together, but to do it every year is a bit insular.

We travelled round in the past, now we stay because we can't be bothered ferrying round the kids' Xmas pressies for Xmas day. But straight after Xmas we get on the road.

It actually makes me sad to realise how many people are so focused on their own "Christmas" that they can't consider others feelings. I have hosted people to stay, to eat only, etc. I like seeing people and am happy to take one for the team occasionally.

It's pretty selfish to unilaterally declare that you want to do your own thing, and make everybody else fit in around you.

Why is it more selfish to say you want a quiet Christmas on your own, than to say you don't want to be left on your own, so someone else must host you? The first affects literally no one else, the second requires other people to mould their plans to include you.

I've never understood the appeal of a small Christmas with only the 'nuclear' family. I spend my Christmas as just a three of us (all adults) and honestly its quiet and depressing and I dread it every year. I'd long for a big family to enjoy Christmas with.

Really? When we had children the first thing we stated was Christmas was ours and we weren't going anywhere. DH got dragged all over the place as a child and hated it. We had one year with the inlaws at ours and that was enough, they wanted to watch certain things on tv, the kids couldn't do this or that. They didnt understand our Christmas traditions. Nope! So we have Christmas twice. Christmas Day is ours and we do as we want. Boxing Day is for them and we do Christmas at their house, the way they want. Then we go to my relies later for the evening. Everyone is happy. I should state that my "kids" are 20 and 16 now and there would be uproar if I tried to change anything. We have little traditions that are ours and that we love.😊 The inlaws get to eat what they want and do / watch what they want.

@DisPater

I'm guessing you haven't got kids yet?

Why not give your parents the choice, early in the year. Do so without sounding like your guilting them to come to yours.

As far as family.is.concetned my own is shit. My mum who abandoned me when I was 5, died years ago, and my dad never felt any obligation to me as a kid, and there's definitely no love lost now, as I've wiped my hands over his emotional crap (a very long story).

My fiancée's mother (her dad died a few years ago) wallows in her own self-pity, and doesn't go out the house... Apart from her beloved sons house, and for the whole day at Christmas.

Thing is we're quite happy it being the 2 of us. My fiancée's daughter, her wife, and the granddaughter, go to the dad's. The wife's family is near to where they live, which is why they don't spend time there for Christmas.

They did come to my fiancee's but since I moved in, they haven't, and now they blame our smoking as to why they won't come.

I was raised.in care, and my experience from childhood of Christmas is enough to out most off of christmas, but "I still believe" in the spirit of Christmas.

... I do believe you've guilted yourself into having the in-laws and your parents for Christmas. Ask your DH if he REALLY REALLY wants everyone, and tell him... Don't say yes, cos you feel guilty or obliged.

At the same time, ask yourself.... Do I have everyone here, cos I feel guilty, or because I REALLY REALLY want everyone here.

I disagree, I think it’s selfish of your parents to want to come to your house so that you can’t have Christmas just your little family unit.

My parents have Christmas just the two of them and they don’t have any complaints, my mum has said she would have hated having her MIL with them when we were younger.

Haven't rtft in total
YANBU OP
"own little family" = selfish and can't be arsed with how anyone else feels
(abusive, horrible relatives aside)

In my experience, it's often the 'having the day with my own little family' types that then get shirty when they actually want you around as an adoring audience for something (wedding, child's birthday party, all with the expectation of bringing presents) and moan about how you don't understand that 'family comes first' if you can't make it.

Christmas when I was a child meant driving several hundred miles to spend it with extended family, they were the best Christmases you could imagine. I'm so glad my parents were prepared to do that and didn't insist on Christmas on our own which would probably have been easier for them but nowhere near as good for us. My cousins and I all have such happy memories of those Christmases together.

I see that it's hard to leave your parents on their own at Christmas, but your ILs do have other options, so you can leave them out. Is your relationship with your parents the sort where you can talk about them going away and when would they do it etc, hypothetically? Then you can mention, during that chat, that you would quite lke to see what having Xmas with just your unit was like?

If I had done that with my parents they would have taken the ideas up and gone away somewhere sometime in the next couple of years. Without rancour.

It never arose because my siblings and I always went to my parents for Xmas, until dd was born when I hosted them all.

Isn't Christmas about being kind to eachother and inviting people who are lonely over?
I find it totally alien to want to exclude people at Christmas, especially family, and even more so parents!!
So YANBU at all!

Of course everyone could just stamp their feet MN style and say, well I won't and you can't make me, but I'm yet to see the family where that happens and everyone stays friends.

We realised many years ago (my children are now adults), that it didn't work for our family to go to other houses for Christmas day and that any visits from family needed to be drop in to swap presents, rather than for the whole day. There is no ill-feeling amongst our extended family because, they understood that was how our family needed to do Christmas.

Not every family is the same as yours.

"Isn't Christmas about being kind to eachother and inviting people who are lonely over?"....this making a big assumption that they are lonely. My parents are perfectly happy doing their own thing on Christmas day. Christmas Day isn't the same for everyone, it's just another day really.

We always see my dh family Christmas Day because I enjoy seeing them. I don’t see my parents Christmas day as it would ruin my day spending it with my mum. My sister always has my parents around. I’m not sure how she feels about it but she gets on better with my mum so I just leave her to it. She’ll probably get any inheritance but I’m not bothered as I’d rather enjoy Christmas Day with my family and il. I had her (mum) over one year and it was worst Christmas ever. My mum creates a bad atmosphere for us all and would ruin it for my dcs too. As long as people not actually on their own I don’t see the problem. A couple is not on their own. I think you are BU. Maybe your sil doesn’t like your parents and it would ruin her day?

I also think that they are a couple and not on their own. It's tricky because your parents seem to have an expectation that if they are around then Christmas is at your home. Could you try and tell them that actually you are planning on having a very cosy Christmas watching TV and munching on quality street and they're welcome to join you if they want to join in. To be honest I am going to book a flight in August next year for Christmas literally anywhere... it's hopelessly stressful.

I have an elderly uncle who has barely any relatives in this country. We feel we should include him each year although often this includes a 3 hour round trip to collect or take him home which he is not ever especially grateful for but I hate the idea of him being alone at christmas as he lives alone and can't get out v much.

Yep some of us spend all year dealing with the complicated set of in-laws and step-relatives and multiple sets of parents and therefore multiple sets of great-grandparents. Spend our holidays and our money stretching between people scattered all over the country. Dealing with all the fall outs, people who can't be in the same building, let alone the same room. It's exhausting. My child has grandparents in the double figures so you can imagine the time commitment.

Christmas comes round and I do want to spend quality time with my nuclear family.

My parents always come to me and my brother usually goes to his girlfriends mums, we wouldn’t be able to fit them all here with her mum included so it seems reasonable they drop by early doors, before moving onto her mums. My parents arrive a little before, they love a quick meet up with my brother and his gf and my parents stay for the day. Our little girl is nearly 18 months and it seems like a great arrangement, they no longer stay the night due to limited space. I love my parents like you, wouldn’t see them go anywhere else, my brother doesn’t usually host Christmas but does a New Years meal for parents and us depending on our prearrangements. Mil relationship isn’t great so we tend to visit them before or after, whenever we feel most accepted.
My parents maybe would go away but they so enjoy seeing the little one that I couldn’t and wouldn’t dream of not having or inviting them over. We usually dress up, although last year we were mainly in our slobs as all felt under the weather, ate chocolate and watched movies

I would love to have a quiet Christmas with just me and DH, but he gets summoned to his daughter's and told that I'm not welcome, so I'm on my own. I wouldn't feel lonely if it was just the two of us. But I do feel lonely when it's just me.

Personally , we will be happy to have Christmas alone
Our DC ( 1 F 1 M ) are grown now , and still come to us , but I don’t expect them to do this forever
Don’t make assumptions about everyone else in your family

Mostly YANBU, because it's nice that you think about the others.

Several of my family all love hosting everyone and will happily take in any stray they can find too. SIL demands that she runs Christmas every single year for DH's family, it's her thing and I'm trying to get used to the more regimented approach, but their welcome is genuine. I wish I was in some people's families at times, because we'd love to host a Christmas, but everyone else wants to do it so we never get a look-in. I'd happily have both our families plus some friends (if we could borrow enough chairs). Then again, I should really just appreciate that our lot all like being with each other at Christmas. Watching TV in pyjamas can be done any other day of the year. (If you have pyjamas. And a TV.)

May I take the opportunity to suggest that anybody on their own should drop hints that they'll be alone (e.g. "What new comedies are good to watch because I'll be on my own on Christmas Day?"). Because we'd be delighted to extend an evening invite to any friend who's alone on Christmas Day, if we knew.

But aren’t you all grown ups? I really don’t understand the issue. SIL has stayed her preference and everyone seems happy to support it.

Why does Christmas have to bring out the worst in people? And why is it so precious to almost the whole population? Is a mythical birthday two millennia ago more important than our own birthdays? Do you all make such a big deal to celebrate the days you and all your loved ones were born?

I like Christmas because I’ve kids and the excitement from them is infectious, but I don’t get overwrought over a family get together they can easily be done on any date.

I agree OP-pil live in another country so we are in habit of doing a year here & a year there but usually host my parents & odd sibling when here. I held out for ages in the hope that a brother would invite my parents this year & none did so I asked them & then sent an invite to my 3 bro's. Next day one of them says 'you usually do it so why not come here...'.

I'd feel so bad if one of my parents died & we had a selfish Christmas Day at home without them. I agree that anyone can do what they want but if parents are close emotionally & physically, making sure they are included at Christmas is the kind thing to do.

I like the big family Christmas and am not a fan of Christmas just the 5 of us! It feels lonely somehow.

After DM died I automatically invited Ddad to stay and now both parents are gone, I love to make sure my siblings and I meet up, preferably on the day, but if not, Boxing Day. It's not that much extra work and everyone chips in.

My family is rapidly diminishing (thanks cancer) so I'm keen to make the most of who I have left.