To ditch MIL’s Christmas

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

Tell DH to speak to his family directly.

I’ve never heard of such toing and froing over a bloody pudding, it sounds exhausting. Just take your own and be done with it.

Go to your parents.

Tell MIL never mind, you don’t want to be any trouble so you’ll be going to your parents.

And do it.

Your IL’s sound batshit. Mine would be fine with me rocking up with my own food. Last year I was pregnant and suffering from GD, IL’s ensured I had food I could eat which I’d enjoy. Thought that was the normal way to host.

MiL is being a poor host. Have you directly asked her if there is a difficulty in ensuring that there is something suitable for a pregnant woman to eat?

Just bring the Apple Pie and custard on the day. It's a heck of a lot less rude than cancelling and removes your stress. Oh and a box of Heroes/Celebrations.

I repeat my earlier advice, this is your last chance to be mothered before you become a mother yourself. You'll never have it again, grab it with both hands.

Before we had children DH and I always went our separate ways for Christmas. It made perfect sense to us, whatever anyone else thought. In our case it was a rare trip back to our respective home towns and an opportunity to catch up with family and childhood friends. Still together forty plus years on and the same rules apply to our DC. Their partners are welcome but no offence taken if they'd rather be with their own families.

I'm afraid I'm not keen on couples clinging together like limpets for every family occasion. You are allowed a relationship of your own with your family.

Fuckit, she's being absolutely ridiculous over this now.

It's almost as if she's determined that you're not going to have pudding.

New concept - is she a weightwatcher freak? Is she worried that giving you pudding while pregnant will make you put on too much weight?

If not, and in fact whatever the reason for her batshittery, just take a box of mince pies, or whatever you like for pudding that is easy to just take out and eat, and fucking well eat it at the table when the rest are having their unsuitable dessert. And IF she DARES to say anything just smile blandly and say "well you didn't provide a dessert I could eat, so I made my own arrangements".

And if your SIL is driving this for whatever also batshit reasons, then that will be one in her eye too. I'd like to see them try and STOP you eating your own dessert!

Your DH is being a total kipper about this too - it's not down to you why his mother is being such a weirdo about this, he should be talking directly to her, not making you do it!!

Why isn’t your husband ringing his mum and saying “I know DB has requested X, Y and Z but my MyFavouriteThings1 can’t eat those whilst pregnant so we will bring alternatives”

@Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas how is OP being mothered?! She’s being treated like a nuisance!

Anyone who'd insist on your being uncomfortable in your present state isn't someone you should worry about not visiting.
Stay home, get your feet up and eat something you crave.

Your DH needs to say to his mum, "Listen, mum, OP needs to make sure she can eat what you're cooking, otherwise we'll have to leave it this year. Now either you cook what she can eat or she'll bring her own, but she is not going to sit in your house on Christmas Day with nothing nice to eat."

I think there is some drama being caused here to be honest. Raw egg is fine if supermarket eggs. Coffee is fine. Smoked salmon and seafood is fine. Sushi is fine if fish has been frozen. Most cheese is fine. Small amounts of alcohol in a pudding fine - as someone said if it is particularly potent trifle then leave the sponge. I am pg this Christmas and not even discussing food requirements with my MIL. I'll eat what I can from huge choice presented at your average Christmas meal.

Coffee makes OP throw up.

I avoided a lot of things that many women would consider fine in moderation when pregnant. Might have been considered precious but after four miscarriages I wasn’t going to risk anything.

I’d not go. It’s far too much faff and you can’t take your own food. I’d just decline.

@Havaina - I think a previous poster suggested that the OP goes to her mother’s, this Christmas - so @Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas is saying she’d get mothered if she went there, not at her MIL’s.

@Pegase - it doesn’t sound as if there is going to be a vast choice at @MyFavouriteThings91‘s MIL’s, though - I’m sure she wouldn’t have an issue, if she knew she’d have enough things to choose from.

Ah sorry I misunderstood!
Thanks for clarifying @STDG

You’re welcome, @Havaina.

OP if I were you I would stay at home and eat what you like all day. It's your last child free Christmas and you should enjoy it. I promise you next year it will all be about your child

To people saying "you can have this" or "there's only a tiny amount of alcohol". Really? That's not the point. Everyone is different when pregnant. I remember not being able to tolerate even the smell of alcohol when I was pregnant. I didn't even have to eat it for it to turn my stomach. And there were plenty of other things which made me vomit too. No idea why, they just did.

The issue here is that OP keeps saying that she will happily bring her own dessert but is being told she can't. That's unreasonable.

@Pegase lots of cheese isn’t fine, not if it’s the typical naice cheese you buy for a cheeseboard (soft blue, goats cheese, Brie and Camembert all out) - if they’re doing a rare-ish wellington that’s out too. Cured meats are iffy too. It depends on the menu they’ve chosen.

I’m married to someone partially sighted due to toxoplasmosis from undercooked meat whilst his mother was pregnant. Obviously it’s rare but the effects can be devastating. My husband will never drive and was one of the lucky ones. Totally support OP being a bit of a princess for a few months!

Go to your parents'.

Bring the most delicious food you fancy, don't ask permission.

Oh and a ruler to smack those who have second thoughts on menu and try to steel your food .

But go this year, trust me next Christmas you will be so relieved to go to your parents with less fuss, when you have a baby.

A DD of her friend was pregnant last year and MIL seemed very clued up on what they could/couldn’t have when she made lunch for us all.

MIL is being weird about your pregnancy now that it's getting nearer the birth, I think. Not saying she doesn't like you and the idea of the baby but I wonder whether now the inevitable major change in the dynamic is almost here, she's having a little hissy fit. And I wonder if it would suit her in a way if you were to go to your parents and she could have your DH to herself and pretend that it's not all about to change and next year, your nuclear family will be the focus.

If so, the quickest way to solve this would be for your DH to call and say 'Looks like it's not possible somehow for food that MyFav can eat to be served, not quite sure why it's SO difficult but it seems easier all round if we go to MyFav's parents instead.

That apple pie will be on the menu quicker than you can say sour grapes.

Yes cheeseboard wise at least half is out easily but hard blue (I.e. Stilton) and vintage cheddar is ok which I would expect to see. Baked Camembert is fine. My main worries for Christmas would be pâté starter which I would have to just refuse and cured meat but a lot of the rest you can work around. I have also had several miscarriages but I am following the most up to date NHS guidance not making up my own. The current guidance is actually less strict than when I had my first when soft boiled eggs were out!

But you said in your last but one post that your DH had 'offered to intervene' and you said not to. Why didn't you? You keep saying you don't want to make a fuss ' - either it matters to you or it doesn't but this is the worst of both worlds. And now you've gone back to saying he doesn't want to talk to his mum about it! Will he or won't he?

Plus, how are they going to stop you just turning up with your own pudding on the day? I'd resolve to bring my own and just get it out and eat it.

I do agree that a good host would just let you bring your own though. Clearly that would be easiest all round.