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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch MIL’s Christmas

203 replies

MyFavouriteThings91 · 17/12/2019 08:56

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 17/12/2019 10:47

While I was pregnant there was a listeria outbreak in deli meat (can't exactly remember what it was but it was a certain brand of ham). While it might just be guidelines it is only a few months of your life and I wouldn't chance it just for one day.

If they are making it difficult for you I would go elsewhere.

Original poster
MyFavouriteThings91 · 17/12/2019 10:50

They’re lovely people I just feel crap and it’s feeling like harder work than it needed to be.

If I’m honest I just don’t want to go and spend the day in someone else’s houses with two people I don’t really actually know or feel comfortable with, whilst having my grossness and lack of participation making me feel awkward 👍🏻

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 17/12/2019 10:55

I dont think you need to justify yourself on here.

Do whats right for you

Womenwotlunch · 17/12/2019 10:57

Op, I think that you just hit the nail on the head. You simply don’t want to go to your in-laws because you are not feeling great. It’s not really about the food etc
It’s up to your dh to tell his family that you want to stay at home as you are feeling a bit run down with the pregnancy and everything.
If they are offended, that’s their business. It’s not as though you have had any major issues with them.
Sometimes you just have to do what’s right for you.

Equanimitas · 17/12/2019 10:57

When you're 7 months' pregnant, eating a trifle sponge soaked in a teaspoon or two of alcohol really will be harmless. If you're that bothered about it, you could just leave the sponge and eat the rest.

bluechameleon · 17/12/2019 10:59

Either get your husband to stand up for you or don't go. I was pregnant 2 Christmases ago and had a miserable time at my PIL's. I had gestational diabetes so couldn't eat many carbs on top of usual pregnancy food restrictions. DH had filled them in on what I couldn't eat, but they took the approach of just not giving me the bits I couldn't have, rather than replacing them or giving me bigger portions of what I could have. I got very hungry until DH had another word with them.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2019 11:05

If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Honestly- just say that you don’t feel well and want to stay home. But don’t make excuses about pregnancy friendly food. Because it’ll just cause huge amounts of discussing and faffing about. And don’t talk about being heavily pregnant at 7 months- you might need that one later.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 17/12/2019 11:06

Maybe try being more blunt with your MIL first before ditching it. Something like "Look MIL I can't eat either of the desserts you want. That's totally fine but if that's what you want to do I WILL be bringing my own as I want something I enjoy. Or, I'm happy to bring a desert that everyone likes with enough for everyone but I will be bringing something that I can eat"

And see what response you get. If she is insistent on everyone eating the same, and it being something you can't eat, then at that point I'd tell her that you're going to your parents instead because you won't be made to eat something that will make you ill or risk problems for your baby just because of some bollocks idea that it's better for everyone to have the same (I might or might not word it like that!)

VenusTiger · 17/12/2019 11:26

Eat before you go and take your own pudding. It may be that BIL has no idea what a pregnant woman can and can’t eat/stomach.
My PIL did the same: big jambon, Parma hams, soft cheese, smoked salmon, sushi.... I looked at the table and just thought “great! I’ll be eating bread and bloody butter then!”..... I cooked myself something in the kitchen and smiled and got on with it.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2019 11:35

Make sure you’ve been clear. In my experience, a lot of this sort of issue stems from people expecting other people to be psychic.

RachelEllenR · 17/12/2019 11:35

I get that the food choices are jarring and that's probably influenced that you simply don't want to go now. I think it would be a kick in the teeth to them now to go to your parents instead (up to you if that's worth the fall out) but staying at home as you don't feel great I think would be acceptable.

Besidesthepoint · 17/12/2019 12:14

Eggs and the amount of alcohol you’ll get in a pudding are fine.

You don't get to decide what the OP eats. If she doesn't want to eat that then that's fine. We also bend over backwards to accomodate vegetarians while meat is fine to eat, pregnancy is just as a valid choice.

OP, just gp to your parents. You informed her what you could eat and she isn't listening. Don't keep discussing it, just do your own thing. Teach them now that if they don't take your concerns seriously they don't get to see you. Comes in handy when baby is here. The mother needs to be respected

aSofaNearYou · 17/12/2019 12:15

Your MIL is being incredibly awkward to insist it's nicer to all eat together and then find so many things to serve that a pregnant person can't eat - I have quite a traditional christmas dinner and the only thing I can think of that you wouldn't be able to eat would be brandy cream. It's not that hard. It sounds like she's going out of her way to serve those sorts of things.

This really should be a non issue - your OH (his family not yours so his job to be the awkward one) should be casually saying "pregnant people can't eat X mum" after every dodgy suggestion, then "we're more than happy to bring something else if you don't want to make something else for her". Any rational person would either say yes to that or serve one of the many things pregnant people can eat instead.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2019 12:18

Of course you can eat brandy cream! Seriously- how much brandy there is per spoonful?

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2019 12:21

One tablespoon of brandy in half a pint of cream.....

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2019 12:23

Yes of course she doesn’t have to eat anything she doesn’t want to. But saying that pregnant women can’t have, for example, a spoon of brandy cream is just setting herself up for a fight.

caperplips · 17/12/2019 12:24

I think you are being precious about the food OP but I get that you don't want to spend the day with your in-laws so you should say you're not feeling well and either go to your parents or stay at home. But you should tell your MIL sooner rather than later so she doesn't buy more than she needs.

LizB62A · 17/12/2019 12:25

how much brandy there is per spoonful?
Surely that varies. With a homemade version it may well be quite boozy.

Anyway, it's the OP's right to decide what she wants to eat while pregnant.

aSofaNearYou · 17/12/2019 12:27

@BertrandRussell

Ok, well then there's nothing I can thing of that she couldn't eat in the average Christmas dinner. I wasn't pregnant over Christmas so haven't given a huge amount of thought into how much alcohol is in what, but point is the MIL has very specific and awkward tastes if she's serving up a platter of liver, pate, raw eggs and fish and stinky cheeses 😂

mauvaisereputation · 17/12/2019 12:39

I don't think it's U to go to your parents if you are feeling poorly and self-conscious about your symptoms. I think it is U to be silently seething at your MIL when your posts make clear that you have not explained your needs to her:

-"I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it."

-"Entirely likely that BIL has no idea I can’t eat these things he wants."

-"I have said multiple times ‘Oh well you just do whatever dessert you like and I’ll bring a small X for me’ and MIL responds with ‘No it’s nicer to all eat the same- we’ll find something that works for everyone’ " (At this stage explain you can't eat trifle or Xmas pudding because of the alcohol/raw egg (though I don't think trifle custard has raw egg?, and that you can't have cured meats so hopefully there will be an alternative starter on offer.)

FWIW last year I was pregnant and just ate the top 2 layers of the Boxing Day trifle -I did not feel excluded

But of course if you just cba to be a guest then that's fine. Only thing is whether you will feel obliged to go to your ILs next year for baby's first Xmas - if that would bother you, it might be worth going and skipping pud to get some leverage for next year.

mauvaisereputation · 17/12/2019 12:41

Also smoked salmon is fine in pregnancy - www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/foods-to-avoid-pregnant/

victoriashleigh · 17/12/2019 12:51

I was going to say you YABU as it’s a bit late to cancel but now I’ve read your updates and it seems like MIL is (deliberately?) making zero effort to even consider you. Doesn’t matter whether it’s because you want to follow pregnancy recommendations or if you’re just generally off certain items, you’ve said no and that’s been completely ignored. It’s literally one Christmas where they have to choose an appropriate dessert. Confused But I find the idea of “it will be nice to all eat the same dessert” baffling anyway as we have a regular Christmas with 10 people and have 3/4 desserts to choose from! Grin

paranoidmum2 · 17/12/2019 12:53

Yes that’s a good point, isn’t it your parents turn this year?

TatianaLarina · 17/12/2019 13:16

I’m talking about things like trifle where a whole layer of sponge has been soaked in spirit.

My trifles are extremely alcoholic. Never tried them pregnant.

CornishMaid1 · 17/12/2019 13:20

When you're 7 months' pregnant, eating a trifle sponge soaked in a teaspoon or two of alcohol really will be harmless.

If your sherry trifle has that little alcohol in it you are doing it wrong! I remember growing up with my mum's sherry trifle and I think half the bottle went in. Lovely it was too!

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