To ditch MIL’s Christmas

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

[OlaEliza]

but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out

Tough shit. If you want ppl to visit you, you be a good host and provide things things they can actually eat and make them feel welcome.

I wouldn't be going.

[Lulualla]

I love it when women are told not to make a fuss.

The OP didn't plan on making a fuss. The food options are mostly things she cannot eat. She'll get some meat, potatoes and veg. Everyone else gets all the lovely side dishes. And she gets no pudding.
She suggested bringing along some extra options which she will enjoy and womt disrupt the dinner, but she's been told she isn't allowed. And she's the one being rude and causing problem? Really?

OP, if you want to go then take whatever dishes you want. If you dont want to go then dont. It's not rude. She has been rude and left you to choose between a rubbish dinner or staying away.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

OMg, they're being ridiculous!!
If they won't accommodate your needs (to stop you vomiting and not to affect your pregnancy) then why the actual FUCK would they not allow you to bring your own?!

That's just madness. And yes there are a few desserts that aren't pregnancy friendly, mostly anything that has raw egg in it! Zabaglione, a lot of mousses etc. I got married when I was pregnant and was really upset that the one pudding I thought I could have that was GF wasn't an option because of the raw fucking egg - I ended up having bloody fruit salad at my own wedding (it was a very nice fruit salad but still!)

Go to your mum's. And if anyone thinks you're the one being rude then make sure your DH points out that refusing to allow you to eat foods that you could eat without throwing up is pretty fucking rude in its own right!

[bellinisurge]

What's your partner doing about this?

[vivacian]

I'm sorry if I've missed your response to this, but I don't understand why your DH can't sort this out (or you, seeing as you're on good terms). I agree with posters saying you should just be honest, "I've got all sorts of antisocial symptoms at the moment, so I'll feel more comfortable at home. Or with my mum if I have the energy on the day".

What your DH does is up to him (but I'd bet he'd rather be with you for most of the day).

[BertrandRussell]

What puddings can’t you eat when you’re pregnant?

[MyFavouriteThings91]

Thanks for the replies and the 90% YABNU vote 👍🏻

My AIBU was about dropping out and going elsewhere - not about feeling the way I do. I’ve tried to offer alternatives/suggest bringing things and be the least ‘fussy’ I can and I still feel awkward and a bit rude 🙈

I know IANBU in, I’m certainly not loudly complaining or trying to make it all about me! Quite the opposite. Just want to be left to get on with a quiet little Christmas eating the foods I can and not feeling awkward.

[Dustyroad63]

I can't get my head around the conversations you've had with mil.
When you offered to bring a dessert you can actually eat, she said no we will all eat the same?
Why did you not say 'I Can't Eat That' so I'll bring something I CAN eat?
Why on earth can't you just tell her?

[MyFavouriteThings91]

@BertrandRussell

Things soaked in alcohol (and not cooked off)
Things with raw egg (as a PP mentioned)
Things drenched in coffee (more because I’ll vomit)

[Michelleoftheresistance]

Way too complicated Glad you've decided to stay home or go to your parents, be comfortable. (And you're graciously leaving them to their plans uninterrupted, double plus!)

DH can always pop over for a while but he's obviously going to want to be with you, MiL's raised a good one there if he's putting his pregnant wife over social niceties. Spin that one her way.

[MyFavouriteThings91]

@Dustyroad63

I did say I couldn’t eat it - then we go back to the drawing board. Only the next suggestion was just as unreasonable for me. Then we went back to the first.

Last week we briefly landed on one I was totally fine with, standard Christmas choice, but MIL changed her mind yesterday and re suggested the one we’d already said ‘no I can’t eat that’ to

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Way too much fuss and complication.

Just go to your parents.

[MyFavouriteThings91]

@Dustyroad63

I mean let’s be honest in the U.K. there’s only a very few puddings your can’t eat whilst pregnant and they’re not ‘standard’ choices.
Yet we’ve ended up between two of them.

I could make an endless list of options I’d be totally fine with. And I bet next year, when I can eat them, there will be no mention of these two choices - we’ll be back to something plain and nice.

[FourStarsShine]

Hmmm. This sounds familiar. One Christmas I was pregnant and PILs were hosting, and MIL asked what I couldn’t eat. I sent a list of all the usual things (not fussy, and no sickness, but following guidelines).

On the day she served: liver paté starter; a so-rare-it-was-bloody duck breast main; a pudding containing raw egg; and a cheese board full of unpasteurised cheese 🙄

DH claims it was a coincidence and she just hadn’t understood. I know for a fact she thinks I’m over precious, didn’t believe those were NHS guidelines, and served it to make a point.

It was excruciatingly embarrassing for me as, I could eat only veg and bread, and MIL made a big show of making me look like a princess.

Make your apologies and go to your mums!

[Hugtheduggee]

-alcohol desserts, the amount of booze in them is tiny. I mean even kids sometimes eat Christmas pudding that has booze in it don't they?

-egg - NHS advice now is thst raw and lightly cooked egg is fine if they come from red lion stamped eggs, which all supermarket eggs are (I believe), so it's not something you have to avoid any more.

• coffee covered - given the ount of caffeine in it, and it being a one off, again no reason to avoid. If the smell of coffee makes you feel sick that's another matter, but if they are having two puddings, I don't imagine both are coffee based.

[TatianaLarina]

DH can just tell his mum “menu choices aren’t appropriate for pregnancy, OP doesn’t want to make fuss so we’re going to her parents this year”.

It’s your parents’ year anyway no? If you went to MIL last year.

[FourStarsShine]

Regarding egg, MIL uses the ones from her neighbour’s hens. No lion mark.

[FraglesRock]

I'd go, can you take two cars so you can come back earlier if you need to.
I'd also take a cool bag with a starter and pudding just for you.
If she complains then get your dh to say that you've discussed that you can't have x.

[DecemberSnow]

Has your husband not stuck up for you with regards to his mother?

I would go to your own parents and then give your husband the option of doing what he wanted...

Your MIL's sounds like hell

[BertrandRussell]

Coffee I can get- lots of women are sensitive to it when they’re pregnant.

Eggs and the amount of alcohol you’ll get in a pudding are fine.

[Xenadog]

Go where you can fart in peace. This is my motto for life. You won’t regret it.

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m not talking about the tiny trace amounts of alcohol in a cooked pudding- I’m talking about things like trifle where a whole layer of sponge has been soaked in spirit.

[SourAndSnippy]

I think you are making a bigger issue out of this than you need to. You say the main course is ok so it’s only the snacks and dessert you can’t eat. Just take some things for yourself and don’t worry about it. All this agnst’ing is pointless.
If dessert at your parents might be a tub of Hero’s then just bring a tub of Hero’s to your Mother in laws.....
TBH it sounds like it’s not to do with the food.

[SquishyLint]

Go to your parents. I refused to leave the house when I was heavily pregnant at Christmas. Just wanted my pyjamas and what I wanted to eat and watch on tv.

[LizB62A]

YANBU
I spent 22 weeks eating M&S Granny Smith apples (every other apple smelt funny and made me throw up), orange juice and minestrone soup with the lumps sieved out.
Just the smell of most other foods made me throw up.

So, you go to wherever you'll feel less nauseous and have a lovely Christmas