To ditch MIL’s Christmas

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

[TatianaLarina]

I entirely agree. Half a bottle is about right.

[TatianaLarina]

Oh don’t use sherry though - can’t stand it.

[CornishMaid1]

It is difficult. It it was just that you had agreed to go and had decided you don't want to then I would say YABU.

However, to have family who are purposefully being difficult would make me not want to go either. Luckily I am 7 months too and we are hosting as we do every year.

I (or DH since it is his mother) would say that you cannot eat the options they are putting forward and that you do not want to take the risk of harming your unborn child (good guilt trip!). Either they pick food that you can eat, you take food you want or you do something else if you prefer.

I think the biggest problem is that you think putting your foot down is making you look bad and making a fuss. This is the one time you can definitely put your foot down - the key is to make them realise that forcing food on a pregnant woman that she cannot eat due to the NHS saying it can risk to the health of MIL's unborn grandchild makes them unreasonable.

[Newbie1981]

I don't think you can ditch it at this late stage without suggesting a "you" friendly dessert and explain why, explicitly. With all due respect they won't be doing it to piss you off (ok they could be but unlikely unless there is a drip feed??) It's obviously on your mind because you're pregnant but its not at the forefront of everyone else's minds. If they are still saying no after you explain how you feel THEN I would say it's fair to go to your parents

[Havaina]

@Newbie1981 well she is ditching it, and rightly so.

None of what you say helps OP, as she will have nothing to eat

[Newbie1981]

@Havaina pretty sure I'm allowed to give an opinion, which I did. Move along

[Havaina]

@Newbie1981 did I say you couldn’t give an opinion?

With all due respect, you should RTFT. OP has already said that they managed to cater perfectly to a pregnant friend.

So no it’s not a ‘drip feed’. Grow up.

[Newbie1981]

@Havaina haha, ah throwing out the old grow up! Cute! I did read the thread and my opinion still stands.

Ps, fancy a drink sometime? You sound fun!

[nibdedibble]

Hang on
Her friend's DD she accommodated - I imagine she is not at all relaxed about providing food for her friend's DD.

You, OTOH, are family, so it could just be a really nice way of saying 'I know with you that nearly anything goes'. I mean, just don't eat the things you don't feel comfortable eating. If a LOT of the food is like that (you haven't really specified what it is) then now is the time for you or your partner to really say - hang on a minute, this is going to be a bit miserable for MyFavouriteThings, isn't it? We will bring some more food that she can eat and we can share if anyone fancies it.

Also don't underestimate the MIL's ability to put a younger son before a pregnant DIL. That's kind of normal - I'm not saying it's nice but he will always come before you, get used to that!

[nibdedibble]

To add: I'm only reading it that was because you suggested everything's ok normally with the in-laws.

Obviously some MILs are fruit loops but I really think many are just not good at understanding that DILs need their attention too.

[Sceptre86]

It is such a shame that your mil is behaving this way. I would speak to her yourself. I would always have alternatives for guests who couldn't eat certain things. Why would you want to make someone, especially family go hungry or not enjoy themselves fully? It is a bit late in the day to say you are not coming over though and would likely be perceived as rude. Depends how much you care, I would go but take stuff that I could eat too. Do what is best for you as it sounds like you have had a rough time lately X

[NoSquirrels]

it’s their insistence I be ‘included’ whilst not actually Accomodating me that makes me feel awkward.

Like ‘oh no you have to eat with us- but we only want to eat X’

Something about feeding pregnant women sends some people deeply weird. I've told this story here before, but when I was pregnant, we were invited for a meal to family. They suggested we'd get a takeaway - was there anything I couldn't eat at the moment? I said I was fine with any and all options except that unfortunately curry was about the only thing I had a deep aversion to this pregnancy (usually LOVE a curry).

On the evening, an Indian was basically all they were prepared to consider. There were plenty of other options - Chinese, Italian, fish and chips, Meditteranean grill-type stuff but no, it was all "Well it is a wonderful Indian, isn't it, dear" on and on.

We had Chinese in the end because I really did have to stand up for myself or risk vomiting. But it made the atmosphere really awkward, and I couldn't understand it at all. Deeply, deeply weird.

[vivacian]

Why won't you answer questions about what your DH is doing about all of this?

[vivacian]

(That's sounds aggressive! I meant, what's behind your reluctance).

[usernamerisnotavailable]

Come on OP. It's not about the food is it? You don't want to go there. So admit it. It's pretty rude to cancel at this late stage and where does it leave your DH?

It's just one day. I don't get it. Eat turkey and the trimmings. Don't eat pud. It's really no hardship. Otherwise when it's your turn to go to your parents your DH has a very good case for preferring to go to his.

You're married. This is what comprise looks like.

[Justhavingacry]

This happens to me year after year.
Salmon cream cheese bagels for breakfast, crayfish, prawns, scallops, mussels etc for dinner.
I've been with DH for almost 10 years, we have dinner every few weeks or so with his parents.... the most definitely know i'm allergic to seafood.

I often pretend I have to pop out and see some visiting family and will be back...and then its straight to Mcdonalds! When i get back, "'m just not that hungry, uncle Ron had so much food and i couldn't say no"
DP knows the game and usually stays at his parents while I go 'visiting' my family, its a bit shit rushing through a big mac on my own for Christmas dinner but it works for now.

[TooManyPaws]

One tablespoon of brandy in half a pint of cream

Dear gods, my family would complain that you couldn't taste that! My mother's brandy butter would be dosed until the butter and sugar couldn't take any more brandy 🤣🤣

[saraclara]

Come on OP. It's not about the food is it? You don't want to go there. So admit it. It's pretty rude to cancel at this late stage and where does it leave your DH?

It's just one day. I don't get it. Eat turkey and the trimmings. Don't eat pud. It's really no hardship. Otherwise when it's your turn to go to your parents your DH has a very good case for preferring to go to his.

That's pretty much word for word what I intended to post.
You're making excuses. You don't want to go. These are nice people whose company you enjoyed last year. But you're about to let them down for very little reason. And loads of people here are encouraging you in your thoughtless for no reason that I can fathom (other than it's MIL).

It's only a week away, and you're about to let your in-laws down and put your DH in an awkward situation. Just go, and take your own pudding if you can't face telling MIL that you're not allowed the planned puddings so that she can get something for you.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

"Just go, and take your own pudding if you can't face telling MIL that you're not allowed the planned puddings so that she can get something for you."

SUCH a failure to read the OP's posts.
OP has said she's not ALLOWED to bring something of her own, because MIL wants everyone to have the same.
OP has told the MIL she can't have the suggested desserts but has been told that the only 2 options available are the 2 she can't have.
No point being snarky to the OP unless you've actually read all the info!

[Drum2018]

Is she doing turkey and veg for dinner? If so then I don't see any issue. There is no law to say you have to eat a starter or desert. My mum made a fab sherry trifle - sponges soaked in sherry. Being pregnant didn't put me off eating it. You are making too much out of the food choices. You can have a few sweets after dinner instead of desert. So if the real reason is that you just don't want to be there for Christmas Day then be honest about it. If I was having your digestive issues there's no way I'd want to spend the day trying to hold in the wind at my inlaws. But if you're comfortable letting loose in your parents, go there or stay home.

[Drum2018]

if you suck up this Xmas with MIL then baby's first Xmas will be at your parents house! Worth putting up with it in that case I think

Not necessarily. Be warned op - there will be years you will just want to be in your own house for Christmas, so don't let parents/PIL have any expectations that you will alternate.

[Equanimitas]

If your sherry trifle has that little alcohol in it you are doing it wrong! I remember growing up with my mum's sherry trifle and I think half the bottle went in.

But, self evidently, there won't be that much alcohol in individual portions of trifle sponge. And OP can always leave the sponge, anyway.

[Equanimitas]

OP has told the MIL she can't have the suggested desserts but has been told that the only 2 options available are the 2 she can't have.

Except that they aren't. There really is no reason why she can't have the trifle at least.

[BertrandRussell]

As a cook, I am here to say that some posters trifle and/or brandy sauce would be completely inedible!

[CrazyOldBagLady]

I'd feel too bad cancelling Christmas Dinner when I've already said I will go. It will change the dynamics of the day dramatically to have two out of five people drop out. I'd just go and take my own cheese and dessert and waddle off somewhere to have a good trump as and when I needed.