To ditch MIL’s Christmas

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

I think you should go to your parents and your DH should go to his. Maybe your DH could drive you to your parents then go on to his and you could stay overnight at yours. That way you can have a nice, relaxed Christmas Day and fart for England If you need to, without worrying.
If you had Christmas Day with DH's parents last year, then surely no-one can object if you have this Christmas with your parents.

If you can't eat most of the food it's going to be a rubbish Xmas for you! I'd go where you feel most comfortable! X

Since you’ve already agreed to go I think it would be rude to change your plans and go to your parents instead, not to mention hard on your DH. You will be asking him to reject his family for yours and regardless of how they might feel, it might not be his preference. However I don’t think it would be too bad if you said that due to feeling rough you’ve decided to stay home and have a low key Christmas, at least then you aren’t favouring your parents over his.

However be honest with yourself about why this is happening because TBH, your posts read as if you are looking for excuses to swerve Christmas with his family because you think they judge you. Fair enough if that’s true, but if it is own it, don’t dress it up as avoiding smelly foods and not wanting to inflict your smelly farts on people.

Go to your parents. Visit your in-laws for afternoon tea or something and take a cake. It is extremely odd that your mil is pandering to her younger son to the detriment of what sounds like her first grandchild. Very odd set up.

Just cry off sick and stay at home, OH just go for the meal and come home early. Its only one day , they will get over it. You will cause upset if you go to your parents

Assuming MIL know you can't eat what is on offer is half the issue here. She may have come across clued up but that doesn't mean she is. The guidelines change so often I would at least say to her that you can't have what's on offer before cancelling

Why does MIL being 'put out' trump you being put out?
Stuff them. Go to your mums and sod them.
They are not taking you into account here at all.
Sod that.
Go and get some love and support from your family!

@AlternativePerspective

🙈 I think that was another poster - I have NC’d for this thread as quite outing but I’ve not crossed names 👍🏻

Your DH needs to step up and say “Favourite can’t eat any of the starters or either of those desserts, what are you going to make for her Mum?” It’s not good enough to say your suggestions have been ignored and leave it at that.

I have less sympathy re the main course as presumably there is basic turkey and veg included. Racking my brains to think what might be “smelly”?

I'd sack them off and go to your own parents, honestly.
You can say that you're unwell and likely to be poor company, so rather than drag everyone down, you'd rather be at your mum's.

It doesn't matter whether you think you get on well with them or not - clearly your MIL does know what you shouldn't be eating and clearly she has prioritised your BIL's requests over your needs, so you're not as high up the pecking order as he is. Why put yourself through it? Go to your mum's and be looked after properly.

What dessert can’t you eat when you’re pregnant?

I do my get why it is either BIL or OP’s requests- it’s Christmas, surely MIL can stretch to providing an alternative for OP and still making OP something she can eat?

Jeez go and eat what you can (which, frankly, for a traditional Christmas lunch is pretty much everything, and take a pudding you like as a present for the table. I can't stand it when people make a huge fuss of being pregnant.

Yes I have been pregnant. A lot. You can't expect the world to stop moving just because you are up the duff.

I sense that this is less about the food and really more about the farting.

Oh don't go. I invited a pregnant friend over for Xmas last year who loudly declared I CANT EAT THAT or IM NOT ALLOWED THAT or UGGGH THAT MAKES ME FEEL SICK at every bloody thing despite the fact she could easily avoid stuff and then scoffed most of it anyway. it was extremely irritating.

Sorry I'm not going to not to serve up smoked salmon, tiramisu, stinky cheeses etc at Xmas due to one persons foibles. Just don't eat it or bring an alternative dessert.

Go to your parents.
you are pregnant, so you call the shots.
The rest of them can be left to it.

A DIL becoming a mother to a first grandchild does really weird things to a family. You can’t win here. They know bloody well they’re setting you up to fail. Your MIL knows what pregnancy-friendly food looks like and has elected to serve everything else (even though she has made accommodations in the past).

Find a kind way of saying that everything but the plainest and most boring of foods is making you throw up and you don’t feel you should inflict yourself on them. Tell them to enjoy a lovely boozy smoked fish and soft cheese filled Christmas, and to think of you with your Christmas dinner of skinless turkey, plain crackers water and Gaviscon. Your parents have luckily offered to take one for the team and put up with your demands.

Expect increasing amounts of bullshit this year, be robust on boundaries and pretend to have a short memory.

I’m going to either stay home or go to my parents dependant on how I feel.
Will encourage DH strongly to still go to MIL as this will make much less difference to them.
He won’t leave me home alone though - so in that respect I’d be better going to my parents.

I loved last year and usually love his family it just feels too much this year and I feel fussy and awkward and I’m fed up of debating desserts!! Just doesn’t feel easy.

I agreed to go for Christmas over the summer (MIL plans ahead) and at that point I was still buying the ‘you’ll feel great again after 12 weeks’ - I don’t think it’s fair I be held to plans made that long ago when I had no idea how pants, gross and anxious I would feel now!

Have you actually said "MIL, you know I cant any if that and you're telling me that I'm not allowed to bring any dessert or side dishes. What am I meant to eat for my christmas dinner? I will be bringing food which I can eat, see you at christmas"

Pregnancy friendly food? There isn't really that much that you realistically can't eat whilst pregnant. I think it's be rude to reject your MIL. My mil has never done Xmas Dinner. An invite would be bloody lovely. Why can't you just tell her you are avoiding the fish and will there be anything else served? If you have a good relationship surely she wouldn't be so thoughtless if you were honest and told her?

please yourself OP
Your mil is looking after her children’s requests, let your parents look after yours.

Also, if you suck up this Xmas with MIL then baby's first Xmas will be at your parents house! Worth putting up with it in that case I think...

Don’t get into the every second year nonsense. Stay at home or go where you are made to feel welcome.

I’m not dictating in any way shape or form and like I said in my OP the main course will be fine. I’m not a ‘fussy’ pregnant person and I don’t think I’m ‘the first woman to have a baby’ - I have said multiple times ‘Oh well you just do whatever dessert you like and I’ll bring a small X for me’ and MIL responds with ‘No it’s nicer to all eat the same- we’ll find something that works for everyone’

Which just makes me feel awkward and like IABU ruining others Christmas 😂 I’d happily take a packed lunch tbh as I don’t expect 5 people to miss out so that I can eat what I want- it’s their insistence I be ‘included’ whilst not actually Accomodating me that makes me feel awkward.

Like ‘oh no you have to eat with us- but we only want to eat X’ I’d rather just be left alone. Also I appreciate some people may have ‘just eaten it anyway’ whilst pregnant - but IANBU to not want to spend my Christmas Day vomiting 👍🏻

I don't really understand why your husband can't just ring his mother and point out that you are pregnant, not fussy, and can she please make sure that she is cooking suitable food for you. If she's doing multiple options, it's really not hard to make sure that at least one of them is pregnancy-friendly. And if she continues to make a fuss, he needs to explain that in that case, neither of you will be coming, since you won't be able to eat anything. But he needs to do this, not you, and he needs to be very clear how unkind she is being in the way she has gone about this.

I think you need to work out whether you'd rather not go regardless or would go if the food is ok for you.

If the former, just say that you're sorry, really don't feel up to it, hope they have a great day etc.

If the latter, just explain about some of the things and ask if she can do (or you can bring) alternatives. If not, then you can say you won't go.

It sounds as though you normally have an ok relationship with them so although you don't have to go, it's probably worth having the conversation in such a way that you don't fall out with them.

I think it’s quite selfish to change plans now and put your husband in a very difficult position. Being pregnant is not a good enough reason to be rude.

I think you don’t want to go and you’re trying to rationalise it to make yourself feel better. You could easily take a few things you want to eat without making a big fuss about it.