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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch MIL’s Christmas

203 replies

MyFavouriteThings91 · 17/12/2019 08:56

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

OP posts:
FairyOnTheTree · 18/12/2019 11:53

Good grief. It's one day, it's one meal.

Focus on what you CAN eat, not what you can't. Bring your own pudding if that's the biggest issue.

It sounds as though you are tired and stressed and overwhelmed and this one day is feeling like a WAY bigger obstacle than it really is.

For the sake of needlessly causing awkwardness and hurt I think you just need to take a deep breath and go make the best of it. It's only a few hours and I'm certain it will be nowhere near as bad as you think it will be anyway.

Saddler · 18/12/2019 11:58

Just stay at home or go to your parents they're obviously doing their best not to accommodate you

Saddler · 18/12/2019 11:58

I don't see why it's awkward to take your own desert or for them to buy or make on suitable they're being deliberately awkward

FlaviaAlbia · 18/12/2019 12:17

Go to your parents, say you're not feeling up to being social and you're still very sensitive to smells so they're having as plain a dinner as possible.

The people who are saying that there's not much alcohol in desserts must have families who follow recipes or something. My grandmother's trifle was quite something. Since she didn't drink she'd no idea how much spirits would be reasonable and used most of a bottle over the sponge layers. My dad still insists on making it now so he's not reliving his childhood trauma Grin

Havaina · 18/12/2019 12:19

OP has already decided she is going to her mum’s or staying home. And too bloody right! 👍🏼

NoSauce · 18/12/2019 12:27

But won’t your mum be cooking Christmas dinner? Won’t there be chocolate there?

Sounds a bit mardy to me.

1forAll74 · 18/12/2019 12:34

Just go to where you know you will feel happier,and more comfortable,and don't worry one bit,about what others will think, you are in charge !

Lndnmummy · 18/12/2019 12:35

In the kindest possible way, you are a tad precious. Understandable maybe if first pregnancy and some health issues but really you will be ok. Eat what you can stomach. It’s one day. Eat the meat, cheese, fish whatever. Meh.
Relax

Lndnmummy · 18/12/2019 12:37

And abit cruel I believe to cancel last minute. You sound abit precious and entitled. We all compromise for Christmas. All the “you are PREGNANT” and “growing a HUMAN” is making me chuckle. You will be fine. It’s not a two week break in the desert. It’s one day.

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 18/12/2019 12:40

I think a lot of the posters on here who are criticising the OP are missing a fundamental point.

OP has repeatedly offered to bring her own food AND MIL HAS SAID NO.

Honestly the MIL is being ridiculous. There would be absolutely no harm in OP eating something different to everyone else that OP herself has supplied (therefore not giving extra work to MIL).

OP, either put your foot down and just tell MIL that you will sort out your own pudding and side dishes or go to your parents. Anything else is unreasonable.

Havaina · 18/12/2019 12:41

Eat what you can stomach. It’s one day. Eat the meat, cheese, fish whatever. Meh.
Relax

Easy for you to say, you’re not the one who will be throwing up and farting Hmm

Lndnmummy · 18/12/2019 12:43

I’m in bits about the minuscule alcohol in the pudding “harming OPs baby” Grin.

Come on ladies, really?? Jesus wept.
Come on OP you are being totally unreasonable and I don’t think that the people encouraging you are doing you any favours.

Lndnmummy · 18/12/2019 12:45

@Havaina yes so hence the eat what you can stomach part of my post. “Hmm” right back at ya

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2019 12:50

This whole bottle of brandy in a trifle thing is an urban myth as old as time. And very annoying. People who know how to cook know that too much is infinitely worse than too little. Otherwise it’s akin to those annoying people who get all giggly and pretend tipsy I’ve a sip of Babycham*

*Other, more up to date vile pseudo -drinks are available.

Havaina · 18/12/2019 12:55

@Lndnmummy

@Havaina yes so hence the eat what you can stomach part of my post. “hmm” right back at ya

You said ‘Eat the meat, cheese, fish’. She can’t eat any of it FFS!

BertrandRussell · 18/12/2019 12:56

But obviously the OP’s MIL is being a bit bonkers about not wanting the OP to bring her own stuff, unless what she said was “Oh, it would be so much nicer if we all ate together- how about.....?” Which, considering she has previously always been nice, seems a bit more likely than her saying “Eat this or starve” but if she really did say “Eat this or starve” then of course the OP shouldn’t go.

Lumene · 18/12/2019 12:57

As you agreed I think it would be really mean to back out now.

If it’s important to you to have a pudding you can eat say so and take one if needed.

Lumene · 18/12/2019 12:58

I wouldn’t say yes again in a hurry though

PoultryBallot · 18/12/2019 12:59

Go to mil this year then you get next at your parents with the baby. Not worth souring a relationship for, just tell your mil you can't eat it.

FlaviaAlbia · 18/12/2019 13:01

Lndnmummy I'm coming at it from a pov that not making any guest comfortable with the food or objecting to their suggestion that they bring their own is inhospitable.

My own MIL was lovely and wouldn't have dreamt of serving food that someone wouldn't enjoy without providing an alternative. Same with my parents. I don't think that's too much to expect of anyone...

Swirlygirl · 18/12/2019 13:02

Go to your mums. It’s probably turned in to a bit of a battle of deserts and it’s crazy she won’t let you bring something you can eat!

FlaviaAlbia · 18/12/2019 13:05

BertrandRussell you never met my grandmother. Though it was sherry not brandy in her case. But I don't see why you're so incredulous, just because you haven't come across something personally doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

BowiesJumper · 18/12/2019 13:21

I'll be 38wks pregnant next week. There's no way I'm missing out on boozy deserts! I had a lovely tiramisu last week. The amount of alcohol in them will be tiny.

Sad to miss out on the brie, but might have some cooked instead.
I think you're being a BIT over the top...

TeenyQueen · 18/12/2019 13:23

You're pregnant, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. I don't get this whole business of pleasing other people at your own expense when you're pregnant, have small children or you're unwell. If MIL takes offense so be it, your wellbeing is paramount here. A pregnant woman being careful about food is not 'princessy', it's about protecting your unborn child. Yes the risks are small in most cases but they are still risks. I went to Italy at 7 months pregnant and had to be extremely careful with food because so many things were unpasteurised, and who knew that tiramisu contains raw egg?! My family are absolutely amazing, if we want to go over for Christmas we're very welcome but if we don't it's no problem at all. What would be so bad about spending a cozy Christmas day at home with your DH and visiting on Boxing Day?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/12/2019 13:28

@MyFavouriteThings91 - if one of the puddings is a trifle, with a layer soaked in booze, would your MIL do you a little separate one without the alcohol? That way everyone is having the same, but it is something you can eat.

Frankly, I think it is pretty poor hosting for her to serve a meal which is so full of things that you can't eat. For example, ds1's girlfriend is vegetarian, so if she were coming for Christmas, I would tweak things to make the meal suitable for her. I'd do the roasties and parsnips in oil rather than goose fat, and provide a delicious alternative to the roast goose for her. Yes, it would make a bit more work for me on the day, but it would be worth it if everyone had a good day

I would hate the thought of a guest in my home sitting down in front of a meal that had two courses out of the three made up of things they couldn't eat. I would provide an equally nice alternative - that is just good manners, in my opinion.