To ditch MIL’s Christmas

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m feeling overwhelmed and conflicted.
7 months pregnant- crap time of it- Several hospital stays...blah blah backstory 😂

Agreed to go to MIL for Christmas but I’m getting anxious now. SIL and BIL are coming and, I like them a lot, but we aren’t close and haven’t seen them in 8 months despite living 10 mins away. I have a couple of gross symptoms that I’m conscious of managing in front of them for a full day.

The meal itself isn’t good for me. Fancy, smelly, non pregnancy friendly (except for the basic main items) 🙄 I didn’t want to dictate and non of the options were ok for me so just went along with it. (Cured meats, soft cheese, smoked fish...stuff I’m either not allowed or will make me vomit).

We offered to bring dessert but now MIL wants to decide. The two options currently suggested are totally unsuitable for me. Probably the only two desserts you can’t eat whilst pregnant 👍🏻 They must know this but apparently DH’s brother has ‘requested’ them! We made several suggestions (including what we had last year) and these just got ignored.

I’m fed up of each suggestion being less me friendly than the last and feeling like I’m being awkward (I don’t think I am - they’re just choosing stuff they know I can’t have).

Last year there was non of this - I’d happily eat what we had last year again!

I just want an easy, relaxed day, so am tempted to go to my own parents instead, where there is no fuss and dessert will probably be a tub of hero’s 👍🏻 but I know DH will then want to come with me and MIL will be put out. My parents live in another city so would involve an hour drive which isn’t ideal but I think I prefer that to our current plans.

[Brefugee]

are you just saying "no not that - how about this" or are you saying "no, I can't have that because of pregnancy - how about this"?

just tell BIL to look up what you can eat while pregnant and find something there he wants

[Newbie1981]

@Lndnmummy love your comment! Fully agree!!

[NemesiaPinkLagoon]

Annoying seeing so many comments calling the OP fussy and dismissing her choice to stick to dietary guidelines! It’s really easy to avoid the few foods you’re not supposed to have while pregnant; no need to serve them exclusively at Christmas.

Anyway the bigger issue surely is that the OP has been so unwell during pregnancy and it sounds like more foods affect her negatively.

Sounds like a nightmare trying to negotiate lunch with the in laws! I’d say under the circumstances (illness) it would be ok to change plans and go for some TLC at your parents’.

Also annoying to read people saying OP would be putting her partner in a difficult position if they change plans - a couple should be a team during pregnancy and make these decisions together, do what’s best for each other etc. Sounds like it’s the in laws putting OP and husband in a difficult position.

[Ariadnepersephonecloud]

Text them and tell them it doesn't sound suitable for you so you and DH will be staying at home. Maybe next year.

[MyFavouriteThings91]

Sorry for late response.

• DH’s away with work atm, knows the basics, agrees with me and has offered to intervene. I’ve politely declined. He’s not involved the convo so will be obvious I’ve gone complaining and will cause a ‘big issue’ which it doesn’t need to be.
  
• DH will go to MIL’s either way.
  
• I won’t eat items the NHS say not to, or which make me sick. I am as entitled to that as any other chosen dietary restriction (vegetarian/vegan...etc) SIL has a chosen dirty requirement and is being accommodated 👍🏻 ‘you’re being precious’ is a shameful attitude.
  
• I asked to bring my own, I made multiple suggestions, I don’t see how I could have been less demanding.
  

I’ve decided to see how I feel on the day and either stay home sick (If I am unwell) or go with DH accordingly. I’ll fill the car with Emergency snacks 😂

DH thinks the weird food choices are coming from SIL and MIL is just in the middle. I’ve not seen SIL since pregnancy. She’s 7 years older than me and has been married much longer - maybe it feels weird for her idk.

MIL has now suggested Apple pie and ice cream 👍🏻 Obviously I’m fine with that 😬

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Apple pie and ice cream sounds lovely.

[hellsbellsmelons]

SIL has a chosen dirty requirement
Oh this made me LOL!
Brilliant typo / auto correct!

Good plan OP.
At least you can fill up on desert - apple pie and ice-cream is fab!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Finally a dessert that suits!

I also did snigger at "dirty requirement" -

I'm also sniggering at all the suggestions of it being unkind or even cruel - MASSIVE hyperbole - for the OP to consider cancelling her own attendance at a meal where there will be 5 other people. That's just ridiculous - it wouldn't involve the cancellation of the meal, just a slight excess of food, and there's still plenty of notice given for the MIL to buy less of some things! Honestly.

[Ellmau]

I was going to suggest, take your own pudding, leave it in the car to avoid row when you get there; skip the starter, saying sadly "Oh dear, I did say I couldn't eat X because it would put the baby at risk"; eat the man curse; then if no suitable pudding was served after all, pop out to car to get your acceptable substitute. But apple pie and ice cream sounds lovely.

[nakedavengeragain]

'Eat the man curse'
'SIL's dirty requirement'

Fucking howling!

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I was pregnant last year, and we all went out for Christmas dinner and the food was rubbish! I was really early on so was really sicky and I cried to my husband cos my food was bad 😂 But I enjoyed the day with family, and it was all over and done with and I was back home in my PJ's within a few hours

In your position, I'd go, eat the bits you can, and then get yourself home and eat all your faves that you've very cleverly stocked up on!

Also, please enlighten me as to what dirty requirements your SIL has? 😂

[Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas]

I think it might be rude to cry off on the day, especially as it seems your MIL is now trying to accommodate you.

Once the baby arrives you will naturally want to spend every Christmas together as a family. This is your last chance to go “home” and be mothered. Your pregnancy gives you the perfect excuse.

Just go to your parents and let your DH go to his family, and tell everyone ASAP so your MIL is released from apple pie making!

[Quiterightly]

I agree With Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas

This is your last chance to go “home” and be mothered.

[MyFavouriteThings91]

So Apple pie and ice cream somehow got cancelled 🙄
They went back to a variation on one of the unsuitable choices. (Still largely unsuitable).

DH got frustrated at me after I relayed this (as though it was my bloody idea 😡) he couldn’t understand why we couldn’t have multiple choices but didn’t want to speak to his DM and ask that himself 👍🏻

I got a bit annoyed if I’m honest. Still grumpy at him this morning. MIL made me feel like an awkward sod and DH seemed to think I was the one calling the shots/hosting- despite telling him repeatedly it’s not!

‘Why can’t we just take our own?’
‘What happened to the Apple pie?’

😡 I don’t know! They’re you’re family!

[paranoidmum2]

Why don't you go to your parents OP? They're being unkind.

[itsmecathycomehome]

I think it'd be rude to drop out a week before, and put your dh in an unhappy position of letting his mum down or spending the day away from his pregnant wife.

You say that his parents are lovely and that you generally get on well, and that she is accommodating, so she won't be doing any of this out of spite, but out of trying to keep everyone happy.

What I don't really understand is why you can't just give her a written list of food you can't have - either on medical advice or because it makes you feel ill - and let her plan her menu around that. Obviously, she can still provide those items for others but provide alternatives for you.

I also don't understand why you can't just pitch up on the day and eat stuff you want and leave stuff you don't. You say you'd be happy at your parents with a tub of Heroes for dessert, and I'm sure mil will have something similar available won't she?

So just say yes to whatever desserts she wants, then pitch up and eat Heroes (or whatever). As a guest, pregnant or otherwise, I've never had any input whatsoever on what the host is providing. Turn up, eat it or don't.

[Ragwort]

What a drama ... if you really feel you can’t just take your own apple pie & get it out when you are offered sherry trifle or whatever just say ‘no thanks, I’m full after the lovely turkey dinner’.

I don’t think I’ve ever discussed in such detail what is being served at a meal I’ve been invited to. if you find you don’t like something, you just politely leave it surely?

I hosted Christmas dinner when I was seven months pregnant, certainly didn’t stop me from enjoying the brandy butter etc.

[DonPablo]

Life is waaaay to short for all this bollocks. Go to your mum and dad's.

I mean, who doesn't just say, sure, bring what you like? No skin off our noses. Seeing as they won't, and you're feeling rough, it's just too much effort.

it'll be over soon (Christmas and the pregnancy) and you'll have new dramas look forward to next year!

[MinnieMountain]

Bring your own apple pie and ice cream to be helpful. "Forget" that MIL changed her mind about it.

[paranoidmum2]

It's possible SIL is driving this mission to make sure all the foods are things OP can't eat and MIL is caught in the middle. But the end result will be the same - OP will be sitting at a dinner table surrounded by people tucking into their meals (including watching SIL eat her dairy-free food) and will be made to feel like a fussy drama queen for only eating the veg and Heroes.

There is something nasty about the whole business, it's not about a guest simply eating what they can, it's about, as OP put it earlier 'their insistence I be ‘included’ whilst not actually Accomodating me that makes me feel awkward.'

And

[SteeperThanHell]

Is this all being done by text? Just pick up the phone and have a conversation - you or your DH - it doesn’t matter. If you generally get on well it really isn’t worth falling out over.

[JoyceJames]

Tbh, and spoken kindly, I think it's you who is creating the drama. It's only one day, you already agreed to go, and it's no bother to just turn up with an alternative pudding for yourself. Nobody will actually care.

If you want a high fibre choice, then a fruit salad would be good.

[MarthasGinYard]

Blimey I'd just eat the turkey dinner and not worry about that starters, puddings etc.

Sounds like a massive fuss over nothing.

[MyFavouriteThings91]

I’m just not used to this fuss! I grew up in a ‘bring whatever you want’, ‘eat whatever you fancy’, ‘all that matters is we sit at the table together and have a good time’ kinda house.

The idea of missing out on pudding on Christmas Day because we ‘weren’t allowed’ to bring our own and they insisted on items we didn’t like/couldn’t have...seems bar shit crazy to me. I don’t like the ‘formality’ of it all- makes me uncomfortable.

[Surreyblah]

Agree with PPs that going to your parents would be best.

You say you like SiL and BiL, but it doesn’t sound like it. Why hasn’t DH seen them for so long when they live so locally?

Your H should be communicating with his Mum directly. He’s not supporting you well here. MiL is being a poor host not to accommodate your pregnancy and health issues.

The food itself isn’t a huge deal, you’d be able to eat the main roast and there’ll be chocolate etc.