To be totally fed up regarding Christmas arrangements?

[checkedcloth]

It’s the same every year. I work in the NHS - so only get 25th and 26th off. I essentially do 80% of all the Christmas organising

I do all the Food planning and cooking. We always have Christmas at ours - never had an invite elsewhere. My parents come to us and so I’m catering for 4 adults and our 2 DCs (Both under 10) My mother will bang on about many calories anything has and never shows any appreciation for the effort I make

I’m just fed up with all the hard work but yet I’m the one with the least time off. Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

I could leave it up to DH but the reality is it will be crap. He can hardly cook and that’s not fair on the kids or me actually in that I’d like a decent meal.

I’ve organised all the gifts and yet I know he hasn’t got me anything so far. He’ll be hoping u just choose something to make it easier for him. In the midst of Christmas is my birthday which will come and go given the time of year.

I just feel fed up with it all. I hear lots of people
Saying they are looking forward to Christmas but yet I just see it as two days of slog then back to work.

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

I could down tools and let him get on with it but then it will be a let down for the DCS which I can’t allow.

Really hope you have a lovely Christmas. Good luck with making this Christmas about what you want, not what you think other people expect from you.
Being honest with yourself and put yourself first for once.

Buy yourself this for Christmas

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&crid=1H2EHNXTJF6SP&keywords=toxic+parents&sprefix=Toxic%2Cstripbooks%2C148&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1576607735&sr=1-1

We always go to my aunty's for boxing Day and she always does leftovers with a load of chips. It's one of my favourite things about Christmas. We get to see our extended family and there's nobody slaving away in the kitchen, there's just stuff to bung in the oven and reheat. I know it can be hard but try to think of yourself a bit more, it's your Christmas too 🙂

Well I think it's time DH put some effort in and stopped being useless.
As for your parents moaning, I'd remind them where the door is.
Stop putting yourself last.

Even if DH is a rubbish cook, he can still peel potatoes/chop veg etc - could you do this after the kids have gone to bed on Christmas eve so it's less to do on Christmas day?
As others have said, if your parents are coming then the least they can do is bring a pudding/muck in with washing up etc afterwards. And again as others have said, instead of a full Christmas dinner again on boxing day, enjoy leftovers and party food. Hope that helps!

Let your partner do boxing day lunch or just order pizza. Tell him you expect him to buy you a present he chose and it has better not be house work related. Also, he has to buy the kids at least a couple of presents and do the wrapping of ALL presents.

I agree PJsatmidday
My older DC are now late teens. Last year was their favourite Christmas because I finally uninvited their DGM and they got their DM and DF to enjoy the day with in peace. Wish I had done it years ago.

My DH doesn't like my folks' lack of respect and my not putting my foot down. Rather than cause ructions he had always chosen to take a back seat. Perhaps this is part of the issue with your DH not pulling his weight Op.

I also work for the NHS and I'm in exactly the same boat as you.

Christmas day there will be 10 from my side and Boxing Day there will be 11 from his side.

This year I have 5 days off (unheard of) and I was going to work the Friday but because I'm doing so many extra shifts my boss told me not to come in and take the whole 5 days off.

You need to start putting your foot down:

1. Tell your mum how you feel. She's your mum so she should understand, if she doesn't then suck it up this year but make your own plans next.

2. if you're cooking fine, but hubs needs to help with the prep on Christmas eve and again Christmas evening ready for Boxing day.

3. buy one large turkey crown, and use one side for each day: invest in a Slow Cooker, they're about £12 in Tesco. Slice up the remaining turkey breast, make up your gravy, pop it in the SC on low and it will be nice and moist for dinner so you will only have to do roasties and veg. Top tip; I buy my stuffing and yorkies from M&S. Don't make them, it's not worth the bother.

I also do dinner for 1.30. That way people tend to have dinner, stay for a few hours and go home so I can have Christmas evening to myself.

I don't cook again in the evenings, I do leftovers with pickles and trifle and my family know to take it or leave it.

I feel for you and for me the key is to prep way in advance. The Christmas ham gets done 23rd after I get in from work as do the trifles and blancmange. I buy in Christmas puddings and gateaux, pickles, quiche etc.

Make it as easy on yourself as possible and start taking a harder line.

I have two DC born in December (mercifully early December) and I genuinely feel bad for them as their feelings on their birthday could result in them feeling they have two things to look forward to, or just resigned to the fact that their birthday seems like a non event every year. Please book some time off asap OP, and have a pamper day treat for yourself. You deserve it.

Put a fiver in an account in the new year and by next Xmas you'll have enough to pay to have Xmas Dinner out

You need to stop this op, you'll go nuts.

Christmas Day is lovely and peaceful with just my sister, brother in law, husband and me. We have a lovely Christmas dinner and spend the afternoon reminiscing and gossiping. They leave reasonably early so we just chill out and watch rubbish on TV on Christmas night.

Boxing Day is a bloody nightmare! Oldest son and family arrive for another Christmas dinner - having spent Christmas Day at her parents and then they stay all day at ours on Boxing Day. Daughter in law always comes in huffing and puffing about how tired she is even though she doesn’t work, doesn’t drive and doesn’t even so much as peel a potato at Christmas either at her mother’s house or ours. She just comes in and sits on the sofa for the rest of the day. Their children are 15 and 8 so it’s not as though she’s exhausted with childcare.

I’m 68 and still working a few days a week as a specialist nursing advisor so I’m hardly spending my time lazing around.

.After lunch I have to drive for about an hour to collect three other grandchildren because middle son and wife are separated and the kids are adamant they want to come to us. Parents aren’t speaking to each other. Both have new partners and frankly, don’t give a rats arse who has their kids at Christmas because they’re too loved up in new relationships.

Then I do a buffet meal early evening for the lot of them and then go out and drive another hour to take grandkids home.

Both husband and I feel totally trapped. We’d love to just take off on the moors with our dogs on Boxing Day but because of the situation with middle son’s kids we don’t want to let them down. ‘Family’ Boxing Day is just so important to them. I know that because I’ve asked them.

I tell myself not to be grumpy and after all it’s only one day but when oldest son tells me we only give them Christmas Day leftovers for lunch (we don’t. Only the meat is from the previous day) then takes the piss because I buy Christmas crackers from Marks and Spencer, two oldest granddaughters come in demanding the WiFi password and spend the whole day texting their friends or, in one case arguing with her latest boyfriend, usually ending in tears because he’s ‘dumped’ her, youngest grandson follows me around saying ‘Nannan, can we play a game’ and my dogs - three working retrievers- look at me with that ‘why aren’t we out on the hills’ expression, I can’t wait for them all to go home!

**I yearn for a supportive relationship with them - I have no siblings nor aunts / uncles so there is no other family at all.

OP - then focus on your family that you are building...I was kicked out by my mother at 16 years old. I am now 29 and still have not spoken to her. She made my life hell when I was there. So I swore to myself that I will be a better person than her and raise my own family one day to be loving, kind caring and strong. And that is what I've done...

As much as it may hurt someone it is better to tell them how they make you feel rather than build it up inside and be miserable yourself. And who knows, you may be surprised and your mum and dad may actually take on board what you've said!

DH defo needs to take some of the slack! Give him a kick up the butt. One of the tricks I use is if my DH does a chore or something I'm like ahh thank you so much for doing that it's really helped me out...I know I shouldn't have to coz hes a grown man but men need to be 'mummied' sometimes. Once he gets that thanks from me instead of well you should do it anyway he tends to help out more...
Maybe say something along the lines of I could really do with some help with some of the xmas organising actually would make me feel much less stressed and happier....hopefully when he hears will make you happier (less moaning as my DH says) he will jump at the chance to help.

Thank you @checkedcloth for all you do for our NHS.

If it's too late to disinvite your parents make this the last Christmas you host and have Christmas how you want from next year. With unhelpful, rubbish parents then and now rubbish grandparents, no joy in Christmas seen people there you aren't giving your dc the Christmas you want them to have.

This is the year you tell them that that next year you are going out and your family will start saving now and the DP can do the same. A year’s notice is plenty.

It's not necessary to go out if they don't want to-just have it at home without the parents.

@Lincolnfield my retriever says please cancel everyone and take her buddies for a lovely long walk. I dare you to too. They are all adults, you've done your parenting let the parents look after their own kids. Disgraceful they are too busy shagging to look after their kids.

Just let your DH do the cooking-it is just a roast dinner and something that won't be beyond his skills.

Boxing -do a spread that people pick what they want from according to their appetite.

I did the. spread for a moany MIL for Christmas Day last year and it was far more relaxing a day for all. Maybe switch it up this year accordingly?

Would your hubby cook? If he is willing to you can hardly complain that it's not up to your standards.

Do you want to do it or not? If not, don't. Buy some posh ready meals from Cook for 26th.

I always find lots of gin helps in these sort of situations.

I'm NC with my parents and it will make this year relaxed and calm.

About 6-7 years ago, I had the whole family round for Christmas dinner and asked them all to pitch in. Dad peeling veg, sister setting table, Mum clearing table and ex-H washing up. Everyone was more than happy to help apart from my Mum, who refused. I had put up with lots of crap and selfish behaviour from her.

So I just said 'you either help or fuck off home'. She went home and then phoned half an hour later and demanded my Dad plate up a dinner for her and take it home for her. I told her to 'fuck off' and put the phone down.

Sometimes you get pushed to a stage where you have to take drastic action and stop being a door mat. Took me a while, but I got there.

yes, just do Christmas your way!

It can be tasty and good with shortcuts

Get a boned/rolled stuffed turkey or just a crown, bung in oven.

Frozen roasties (Lidl are nice) frozen yorkshires, ready-prepared bought veg in the microwave/oven. A pudding from the freezer or chiller (Iceland or Just Cook)

seriously, do not martyr yourself. Take shortcuts.

Women need to break free from the tyranny of Christmas! We ahve to work, like men, yet have to slave like housewives. Fuck that

the revolution starts here. Teh freezer, the microwave and M&S are your allies.

The kids won't care or notice if the roasties are frozen.

The 26th is for cold meats and bread and leftovers and chocolate and watching movies in your PJs

You got new rules, start counting ;)

Honestly, if you’re hosting, it’s your rules. Boxing Day is heat up buffet style snacks and chop up leftovers.

Are there presents left to wrap? Over to your dh. He can prep all the veg and go shopping this weekend. Just tell him, OP. And stop trying to make your mother appreciate your efforts. When she whinges on about calories, scrape stuff back off her plate or tell her to stop being a massive pain in the arse. You could do the passive aggressive ’You won’t want any pudding, it has calories “ thing. Can’t they just sod off on Boxing Day?

You sound like you are their slave and not at all appreciated
Stop doing it all
2 days off not enjoyed by you
You only resent it
Stop complaining and stand up for yourself

I can read behind this. You are tired , already under pressure and feeling more pressure and pressure builds up ..I think if you are like me you are anxious about the prospect of it all and peed off at the slight injustice of it all/ lack of consideration for you etc.. but you will just get on and do it on the day ..your mum though..hhhmm she should be conscious of all this pressure on you and be more supportive in a practical positive way ..good luck ! You will be fine but next year ..change the ground rules !

Wow have never cooked on boxing day. The house is full of cold meats, cheeses etc. They can all forage for themselves and lay it out on the table as a pick and mix. We always go for a walk with the dogs and watch idiots doing the boxing day dip. I have always insisted that boxing day was for doing nothing more stressful than assembling lego and nibbling on bits. As for the christmas eve buffet, we have a cooked ham, new potatoes and veg.

You need to make new traditions.

First of all can I just say a great big thank you for the hard work you do. I've recently been in hospital and the nurses on our ward went above and beyond to make sure we were comfortable.
I've got an idea for a pressie for your husband. A cooking lesson experience. We did that one year and it was great fun.
I really hope you get the rest you deserve at Christmas. X