To be totally fed up regarding Christmas arrangements?

[checkedcloth]

It’s the same every year. I work in the NHS - so only get 25th and 26th off. I essentially do 80% of all the Christmas organising

I do all the Food planning and cooking. We always have Christmas at ours - never had an invite elsewhere. My parents come to us and so I’m catering for 4 adults and our 2 DCs (Both under 10) My mother will bang on about many calories anything has and never shows any appreciation for the effort I make

I’m just fed up with all the hard work but yet I’m the one with the least time off. Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

I could leave it up to DH but the reality is it will be crap. He can hardly cook and that’s not fair on the kids or me actually in that I’d like a decent meal.

I’ve organised all the gifts and yet I know he hasn’t got me anything so far. He’ll be hoping u just choose something to make it easier for him. In the midst of Christmas is my birthday which will come and go given the time of year.

I just feel fed up with it all. I hear lots of people
Saying they are looking forward to Christmas but yet I just see it as two days of slog then back to work.

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

I could down tools and let him get on with it but then it will be a let down for the DCS which I can’t allow.

Your mum not kin *

Post suggesting how OP can simplify Xmas dinner are a bit of red herring I think; they're just adding more to her 'mental load' of carrying everything.

I was you OP until a few years ago when I told dh that he needed to sort out cards/gifts for his side of the family. If he didn't, they wouldn't be receiving anything as I sorted out my family and our children.

It's too late for this for you this year, but anything still left I would delegate to Dh.

Re: Xmas dinner. You'd like a decent meal, fair enough. You sort out Xmas dinner and someone else does Boxing day.

The only person's behaviour you can change is your own OP, and others can adapt around you.

Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too

I want doesn't get. We just have turkey and chips on Boxing Day and very yummy it is too, couldn't be easier and lazier to prepare!

Isn't the point of Boxing day that you don't cook and just eat leftovers. Sod cooking again!!

OP the ONLY reason all this shit is falling on you is because you have a vagina. Seriously, you work, he (presumably) works, you only get 2 days off. If you have a DH/DP, all this Christmas work should be shared equally, but it isn't because people just expect women to handle it all.

There are lots of helpful suggestions on this thread and I would definitely make boxing day lunch a buffet of leftovers and a few deli type things, bread and cheese etc and that's it, if anyone wants something fancier, they can do it.

But I would also tell your lazy arse of a DH that you've had enough, there is no reason you should be taking so much of this burden and so from now on you are taking turns. When it's his turn he is sorting out the presents, shopping preparations and cooking to the same extent you have been. he has a year to learn how to do it for his first turn next year. Make sure the kids know what's happening and have some emergency stuff in the freezer for them in case he totally fails - but if he does, he can explain to them that he couldn't be bothered.

Just not on. So many women suffering a huge burden of extra work and not getting to relax at this time of year while their DHs do hardly anything. He says you're "moaning" - tell him yes you fucking are and rightly so!

Echoing what everyone else said , Boxing Day is my favourite day , we have cold meat and bubble & squeak , not another new roast

Get everyone to help you prep the veg , stuffing etc on Christmas Eve evening , do more than you need so you’ll have leftovers ( or , even better buy it ready prepped in the supermarket )

Can you play calorie bingo ? Or something , even if you’re the only one who knows you're playing it ( though it’s something my DC would enjoy too ) and every time your mum says something annoying give yourself a point ( best not be have a glass of wine as you might get a bit tipsy )

Send your husband a list of presents that you’d like , Christmas and birthday

Ask your mum to help you cook, maybe then she'll appreciate it more?! Tell husband specifically what you want for Christmas. I've bought my presents from husband using money from the shared account, otherwise I'll get nothing. So this way I get what I want without feeling sorry for myself, because there's no present.

Expecting a Christmas Dinner on Boxing Day as well as Christmas Day isn’t normal. Boxing Day is leftovers, sandwiches, snacks etc.

So let her act like a wounded animal. Ask her why she is being so ridiculous and then get on with your day.

Guilty for not cooking a dinner on Boxing Day? You do realise that probably 95% of the country are eating crisps and turkey sandwiches and nibbling on leftover meat/cake/cheese surely?

Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

Well, they can expect away.

Don't try to 'explain' to your DH. Tell him clearly that you only have two days off and you're not spending it cooking and slogging. Tell him his kids will get a Christmas dinner if he steps up. Tell your mother to stop going on about calories or she can just not come.

Do you know what I do when people start expecting things from me ? I stop. Same goes for any complaints or no word of thanks after I’ve put in so much effort.

It’s reduced the stress massively. After all this is my Christmas as well.

No need to do a full dinner on Boxing Day. So knock that on the head. A small buffet will suffice.
Your Dh may not be able to cook but assign him some of the workload. I.e shopping with a list, wrapping presents helping with dinner prep, housework, clearing away after dinner etc I’m sure he could manage some of those

I always do what someone upthread mentioned put the food in serving dishes and people can take or leave it. Helps with fussy eaters.

Also give a few ideas to your dh for presents for both Christmas and your birthday I too have a birthday over the Christmas period and make a list for dh he can choose what he wants to buy from it don’t let your birthday get forgotten!

OP don't suggest an alternative on Boxing day, just do it. If people don't like it, tough.

So your mother acts like a wounded animal? So fucking what? You are a grown woman and you don’t need to take her shit any more. What’s the worst that will happen? She won’t come for Christmas again? Good riddance.

I just don’t understand why people let their parents treat them like shit. I do understand the background to it, but surely there comes a point where you have to draw a line and say “this is making my family and my children miserable and I’m not bloody doing it any more”.

Just stop.

No-one is forcing you to do this. You're being a bit of a martyr to be honest.

Absolutely no need for a second roast on Boxing day. Just have leftovers and cold meat.

Ask your parents to help. Ask your DH to help.

I’d like a decent meal

Well, that's up to you! But if it's what YOU WANT, stop moaning about it.

Thank you again - there are some brilliant suggestions here, particularly around setting the expectations for DH next year. I am absolutely going to be clear as to what are his responsibilities. His family live 300 miles away - they send the DCs gifts but I have to wrap them. Next year he will be responsible for making all of that happen.

To those posters calling me a moaner and a doormat - prefer it if you kept your insults to yourselves please. I know some of this has happened because I’ve allowed it but insulting me doesn’t add value at all. Especially when I’ll be working a lot over the Xmas break to keep an NHS hospital functioning!

Writing this down has helped me reflect on what’s driving all of this. I do have in my mind this perfect Christmas that I am always striving for. I think it’s due to the fact that as a child Christmas was always a hard affair - my mother made absolutely no effort and I can’t recall anything magical at all. I am desperate to try and make some of that for my DCs. However I need to ensure that DH plays his part in that too.

Boxing Day food is going to be a left over spread. End of.

And thank you for the poster who suggested the Fuck it thread - I’ve had a look. Another nurse in Christmas hell!

I will repeat a phrase I use a lot on MN.

Don't let other people guilt trip you into doing anything you don't want to or can't do.

I realise that I am lucky that neither DH nor I have self entitled, narcissistic or difficult family members, but on the occasion that they have asked us to do something we either can't or don't want to do we have politely and quietly assertively refused. As a result we are never guilt tripped into anything as they know that any unreasonable request will be met with a polite refusal.

So have you wrapped the presents from your in-laws already?

How much holiday does your DH have over Christmas?

Just missed your update. If you want things to be different next year then say so. Can you tell them youve been invited elsewhere so you won’t be able to host?
I had to stop one particular person coming for Christmas as she put a downer and caused friction for everyone the last time she was here. As soon as she walked out the door I said to dh “Enough is enough,that’s the last Christmas she has here!”
I experienced the guilt at first but am all the better for it now!

I spent far too long doing Christmas for everyone else now I do it for me!

You deserve the Christmas you actually want

OP, if your parents made no effort for you when you were a child then why are you making an effort for them?

I honestly would stop inviting them and then get your DH to do half the work to make Xmas nice for you and your DC.

I think having your useless parents there every year is a huge factor in your dissatisfaction.

You don't owe your parents a happy Christmas.

you know the DS will be fine - you've done the present buying, right? so tell your DH not to bother with getting you anything and you won't get him anything - and get yourself something that you want for Christmas and birthday.

Tell him you don't have time to do more than you've already done. And let him take over.
Your children won't mind. My DH used to always work all over Christmas when my DC were small. One of our best Christmasses was the one with Fish Finger Sandwiches for lunch.

You (or your family) are unreasonable to have a second Christmas dinner on Boxing Day. Boxing Day should be leftovers from Christmas Day: cold meat, stuffing and bubble & squeak, served with baked beans and piles of pickles.

Boxing Day dinner is my favourite meal of the year.

Your mother is bloody rude. Going on about calories is rude and awkward. Acting like a wounded animal if she doesn't get what she wants is rude and manipulative. Expecting another big roast on Boxing Day is outrageous, and totally hypocritical given that she fusses about calories. I suspect she just likes to complain and fuss and make out she's hard done by, whatever happens and however much effort you make.

You can stop letting your parents' expectations control you – I have with my mum, and it's liberating. Yes she doesn't like it. Well guess what I didn't like being criticised and slapped down for my entire life. Saying "no" to your mum is nowhere near as bad as how she behaves!

Excellent, that's the spirit. And it's not too late to set expectations for your DH for this year. Consider it practice for when he flies solo next year.

He can wrap the presents from his family. Do the last minute grocery shopping, especially if he has more time off than you. Help prep veg, set tables, wash up/fill and empty dishwasher, etc etc.

Make sure that every minute that you're doing something related to making Christmas happen, he's also doing something useful.

Definitely make Boxing day a leftovers day. Make sure there will be enough roast meat already done. Serve with salad and perhaps new roast potatoes if you feel like it. Serve whatever leftover veg there is, or buy ready prepped.

Neither your parents or your husband give a shit about your well being at Xmas - so you'll have to do self care. NO cooking on Boxing day and everyone helps prepare and clear up both days. AS a pp says, most people eat whatever on Boxing day, leftovers, salads or junk food of choice.

Why are you not worth at least a day of relaxation like everyone else?