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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally fed up regarding Christmas arrangements?

215 replies

checkedcloth · 16/12/2019 06:51

It’s the same every year. I work in the NHS - so only get 25th and 26th off. I essentially do 80% of all the Christmas organising

I do all the Food planning and cooking. We always have Christmas at ours - never had an invite elsewhere. My parents come to us and so I’m catering for 4 adults and our 2 DCs (Both under 10) My mother will bang on about many calories anything has and never shows any appreciation for the effort I make

I’m just fed up with all the hard work but yet I’m the one with the least time off. Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

I could leave it up to DH but the reality is it will be crap. He can hardly cook and that’s not fair on the kids or me actually in that I’d like a decent meal.

I’ve organised all the gifts and yet I know he hasn’t got me anything so far. He’ll be hoping u just choose something to make it easier for him. In the midst of Christmas is my birthday which will come and go given the time of year.

I just feel fed up with it all. I hear lots of people
Saying they are looking forward to Christmas but yet I just see it as two days of slog then back to work.

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

I could down tools and let him get on with it but then it will be a let down for the DCS which I can’t allow.

OP posts:
TheSubtleArt · 16/12/2019 17:33

To the PP who said about claiming heating was broken and norovirius...one year we had a significant leak that we were doing our best to control until we might afford the callout, and 2 out of 3 we're vomitting. My in-laws still insisted it would be perfectly doable for them to come and they were looking forward to it so much blah blah blah- I nearly relented...but thankfully came to my senses and told them it was a firm 'no'.

OP, as others have said though, it's really not too late to squeeze in some changes for this year. And thank goodness for you and the hard work you do. People like me are not worthy...Thanks

Original poster
checkedcloth · 17/12/2019 06:42

Sorry I didn’t respond last night - work got in the way Smile

Another thank you peoples suggestions and comments. I really am appreciative of posters taking the time to reply.

PJsatMidday - that’s a wonderful suggestion, and one that I will follow through on. I’ve told myself that next Christmas and beyond will never feel like this again.

Oh and it’s always lovely for us nurses to have our efforts recognised. I still believe it’s my purpose in life despite it being a bloody tough gig 😊

OP posts:
TheOliphantintheRoom · 17/12/2019 06:54

Especially when I’ll be working a lot over the Xmas break to keep an NHS hospital functioning!

Oh don't start that. You'll be working to earn a living like everyone else.

jillandhersprite · 17/12/2019 10:45

I really hope you have a lovely christmas - with some small changes this year, and the time to think about next year.
I have been there and done that and now Christmas is very different to the stress of previous years.
Present giving has been drastically reduced - and do you know what it does not spoil it not having lots of gifts to open. There isn't a frenzy - each gift can be unwrapped, opened, maybe even played with before moving onto the next one. It can go on till boxing day even though the pile is smaller.
We stagger christmas dinner over the period. So we had the turkey roast on Sunday with just 2 veg, gravy and stuffing as I had time to potter over it (with wine!). Last nights tea was pigs in blankets with veg... Tomorrows tea will be something with red cabbage from the slow cooker. Intending to do something with cauliflower cheese another night... and so on. We are eating all the yummy christmas dishes but spread over time.
Over the year I buy lovely treat things for me and put them aside. My stocking on christmas morning may not be a surprise but it makes me smile and feel luxury. Just because my husband didn't do the purchases doesn't make it less special. This year I even have something that won't fit in the stocking - I got myself a protected species coat in the sale and its a real luxury for myself.
Other half just isn't bothered by gifts but at least he isn't a hypocrite and expect them from me - so he predictably gets each year ferrero rocher, pants, socks and is happy watching the kids play with their stuff.
Also we 'start' christmas from 1st december - no leaving everything till christmas day and the pressure of building up that day. So we eat the treats and chocolates throughout the month. The christingle service at the school is one of our big events. Another weekend is always helping the kids with making a crafty card for their teachers/grandparents. A different one is the disaster that is the fully homemade gingerbread house! Probably driven by money but we are doing less of the costly going out events - the fancy father christmas trip, the expensive reindeer farms, the christmas themed fair and so on and finding that doing stuff together at home is actually more festive and relaxing than the must do 'christmas' events that seem to be plastered all over social media.
I really hope you can find a nice balance and get some lovely ideas for your book if you follow that idea that was suggested.

ffswhatnext · 17/12/2019 10:50

I would stop inviting them. It would be doing your dc's a massive favour for starters.
Your dp's don't like it, and? They should have considered their actions beforehand.

Original poster
checkedcloth · 17/12/2019 13:22

Oh don't start that. You'll be working to earn a living like everyone else.

You are so right. Everyone else will be managing an Emergency Department that has countless people in corridors and will also be caring for people who are facing some of the most frightening times of their lives.

Yep - that’s exactly what it’s like for everyone else.

You’re clueless

OP posts:
managedmis · 17/12/2019 13:30

Don't be a martyr.

^

This is my new phrase for 2020

managedmis · 17/12/2019 13:30

Don't bite, op, it's not worth it!

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 13:35

Christmas was always a hard affair - my mother made absolutely no effort and I can’t recall anything magical at all.

But you let her dictate to you what you do now? I'm not trying to criticise her, I just want you to see that she lost the right to dictate your Christmas because she never bothered herself.

We're another family with a Boxing day buffet including leftovers. I'm cooking Christmas Day, sod cooking on Boxing Day

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 17/12/2019 13:36

I'm not trying to criticise here, that should say.

Original poster
checkedcloth · 17/12/2019 16:09

That’s a good point re my mother’s right to dictate.

So I told DH that I wouldn’t be doing the full second dinner on Boxing Day, he was initially a bit put out but I explained that I need to have a day where I get to relax before going back to work. To be fair, on explaining that he did understand.

I’m not going to tell my parents this, they can find out on Boxing Day when I serve some leftovers!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 17/12/2019 16:13
Grin
Ivyr0se · 17/12/2019 16:17

Tell your parents you have been called into work last minute, shift changed etc.
Then just focus on making Christmas day special for your kids. They won't care what's for dinner. Enjoy your family this year, don't just wait for next year.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 17/12/2019 16:46

I am flabbergasted that you had to explain that you need a day off.

Just how does your other half see you?

ffswhatnext · 17/12/2019 16:59

Hope you also told him this is the last time you are doing this.
From January 1st he does his own family for starters.

And what would have happened if he hadn't agreed?

I would have cancelled the parents. They won't bring joy. Get them told now and they still have time to ensure they have stuff to eat. If you cannot do it this year, then next year no more.
And if they don't like the leftovers from yesterday and want something fresh, direct them to just eat.

user764329056 · 17/12/2019 17:17

Seems to be a lot of people held to ransom at Christmas by people they don’t want to spend the day with, honestly put your foot down, you need and deserve a break, tough if they don’t like it, we women often bend ourselves out of shape trying to please everyone, Christmas is a good time to take a stand and set some boundaries

nuxe1984 · 17/12/2019 17:41

It's probably a bit late now but I'd be tempted to make Christmas you, your DH and DC only. Tell your parents that you want a quieter Christmas Day this year so won't be hosting or cooking a big dinner for everyone.

And maybe invite them just for Boxing Day with a buffet that doesn't involve lots of cooking.

Also … next time your DM mentions calories, I'd tell her she's not being forced to eat it and she's welcome to bring her own food if she doesn't like what you serve … maybe you just need to be a bit blunter with everyone!

Watchagotcha · 17/12/2019 17:51

I try not to allow myself to think about it at any other time because it’s incredibly upsetting.

Maybe it's time to look at it, good and hard, with a counsellor or other neutral person to work through it with. Pushing these feelings down only works for so long. It curdles inside and that's not good for you health, mentally or physically, and it comes bubbling out in other ways. Starting a thread like this is an indication that your psyche doesn't want to look away and pretend it isn't happening any more.

Courage OP. I hope this is the last Christmas that you put everyone else first and yourself last.

TheOliphantintheRoom · 17/12/2019 17:56

You’re clueless

I'm not the one with a martyr complex.

Turquoise123 · 17/12/2019 17:59

I think lots of us fine Christmas a bit of a pain tbh

angelfacecuti75 · 17/12/2019 18:08

Ideas :
Buy ready made roast potatoes and cook them
Buy ready to cook parsnips etc or do veg in microwave.

Buy ready made desserts with custard etc ...
Go to card factory and get bags and tissue paper and wrap pressies in that

angelfacecuti75 · 17/12/2019 18:09

Think u need to be blunt though especially with your mum who's essentially being an ungrateful cow x

manicmij · 17/12/2019 18:18

YANBU but, how many days off do most folk get at Christmas, two I think. The unreasonable bit is being left to do it all with no offers of help. Would you take them if given though? Many feel other folk are just interfering when they try to help out. Maybe next year, break the cycle and go out for dinner. Family may get the hint you've had enough.

cherrybath · 17/12/2019 18:20

I know exactly what you mean OP and I feel for you. My DC are adults now but for years and years I did all the cooking, all the buying of presents and food, all the wrapping - as well as a full-time job - and really dreaded Christmas. Now they've all left home and I do still buy presents, but much less work as there are no stockings and less presents for the grownups.
I know that Christmas is fun for kids, but I don't know why you put up with all that rubbish on the day from your DM and relatives.

diddl · 17/12/2019 18:24

Even if your husband can't cook (??!!), he can peel & parboil potatoes, peel carrots, brussels whatever.

That's the stuff that imo takes time & is tedious.

We're having mushroom risotto on Boxing Day.