To be totally fed up regarding Christmas arrangements?

[checkedcloth]

It’s the same every year. I work in the NHS - so only get 25th and 26th off. I essentially do 80% of all the Christmas organising

I do all the Food planning and cooking. We always have Christmas at ours - never had an invite elsewhere. My parents come to us and so I’m catering for 4 adults and our 2 DCs (Both under 10) My mother will bang on about many calories anything has and never shows any appreciation for the effort I make

I’m just fed up with all the hard work but yet I’m the one with the least time off. Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

I could leave it up to DH but the reality is it will be crap. He can hardly cook and that’s not fair on the kids or me actually in that I’d like a decent meal.

I’ve organised all the gifts and yet I know he hasn’t got me anything so far. He’ll be hoping u just choose something to make it easier for him. In the midst of Christmas is my birthday which will come and go given the time of year.

I just feel fed up with it all. I hear lots of people
Saying they are looking forward to Christmas but yet I just see it as two days of slog then back to work.

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

I could down tools and let him get on with it but then it will be a let down for the DCS which I can’t allow.

Yes my mother’s behaviour is terrible. Has been all my life. Even at 43 I’m still tied to it and wanting to impress her and my father. I know that it’s futile though. I try not to allow myself to think about it at any other time because it’s incredibly upsetting. I yearn for a supportive relationship with them - I have no siblings nor aunts / uncles so there is no other family at all.

I've been in this place, and I need to say this to you: you will never, ever get the relationship you want from your parents. And the stress of you trying to get this is probably making Christmas less than magical for your own children. So please just stop. Your parents can look after themselves on Christmas Day.

Your husband sounds useless, so yes to everyone's suggestions to kick him into line. However, just a thought: As a child of awful parents who never showed they cared or did anything special, I realised that I expected my DH to step into this role; and like you, I made a great deal of effort to anticipate his needs/ wants, buy him special presents etc, hoping it would be reciprocated in exactly the same way. It never was, not our of malice, just out of ineptness. Luckily, he makes up for his inability to choose a present in a thousand other ways, and I am at peace with it now, I buy what I want or tell him what I want for him to give me.

However, it still makes you feel isolated and alone, because you want someone to "get" you and you want them to want you to be opening a gift that says, "I get you, I love you, I appreciate everything you are and do, I want to see you excited, I want to see your eyes light up etc etc". Because you never had that as a child, you have never stopped being that child.

You need to try to get to a place of peace with yourself over this, and the surrounding birthday/Christmas disappointments. The only way to start doing that is to break this unhealthy cycle, and tell them they can all fuck off with their expectations. I do not at all think you are a martyr, I think you are exhausted, but probably also pretty amazing to have carried on putting up with what you have all these years.

Excellent post *@checkedcloth
OP, you need to make this a nice Christmas for you not your parents.

Don’t invite parents next year, just have a nice Christmas for your DC. This year read your DH the riot act and tell him to pull his weight. Don’t do Christmas dinner on Boxing Day. That’s just mad.

@StrongTea this. I am trying to step away from doing more

Not sure sure why everyone can’t take it in turns. Plus one year deliberately work so your husband has to fend for himself. I have been on the receiving end of having to everything for Christmas: decide menu, order food, pay for food and then cook food. Rather annoying especially when no one will then wash up afterwards and you have to get up at 6am on the 26th or 27th for a shift

As @Wild123 says, your mum will moan anyway, so you may as well do things the way you actually want them from the get go and save time and pointless effort!

Lovely post from PJsatMidday.

It takes energy to change the kind of dynamic OP has described, plus time, space & insight.

OP doesn't sound like she has the mental energy to fight the passivity & sulkiness. It's HARD.

How many women is this the story of Christmas for? It's almost been invented to burden us further and we are silly enough to be conned into doing everything on top of all ready overloaded schedules.

Jesus was actually born in April or something and so we are really celebrating the old pagan festivals where there are less light.

Next year, you go out for Christmas lunch somewhere v nice and let others do the planning, cooking, cleaning.

Stop going along with it when it’s clearly making you miserable and resentful. If your Mother is so bothered about calories she can eat a salad. Stop cooking a second dinner on Boxing Day, most people eat leftovers. Ask your family for more help or buy pre-prepared stuff to make your life easier. You don’t have to be a martyr.

Oh and why are you wrapping presents to DC’s from your OH’s family. Surely they can do it themselves?!

I think this is more about how your family see you generally than just Christmas TBH. Your relationship with your parents, sounds like you are trying to please them by having a "perfect Christmas"(perfect for everyone but you by the sounds of it!) You need to explain that Christmas this year will be a bit different .Christmas eve DH can do veggies ,DP bring along a Christmas Pud and mince pies .Boxing day feet up and a buffet of cold turkey ,sandwiches, cheese ,ham ,jacket potatoes ! They seem to have got used to having a servant ! Does DH cook at all during the year?

PJsatMidday - thank you for that post. I cannot tell you how much it means to me for you to take the time to post in that detail.

You have nailed everything I have been feeling and also touched on so many of the reasons as to why I do the things I do and the expectations I have placed on my DH - to make up for something that I never had

Lots for me to think about there. You are so right, all I really want is to find that peace really.

Thank you again

I would do roast beef for boxing day. Tell your DH he is in charge of potatoes and veg. Tell him he could dry roast the potatoes for calorie saving, or do mash. You could even buy a Tesco finest gravy if you don't want the bother of making it. Horseradish sauce from the supermarket.

Pudding can be frozen berry fruit and ice cream for those who want it. Chocolates after.

That would be quite a relaxing prep.

I do have in my mind this perfect Christmas that I am always striving for.

Perfect for who though? It's not perfect for you is it?

I agree you are in the FOG and until you stop trying to please your parents, and caring about doing so, it's going to be a miserable affair for you.

Start small for now and hold fast on your decisions. Spend 2020 developing boundaries for yourself. Detach detach detach. Your parents will kick back, but so what. They can do their own thing if they don't like it.

Your DH needs kicking up the backside too although that is slightly separate.

Actually I think @PJsatMidday has a better solution!

I meant to direct my post to PJsatMidday as well. She is spot on.

This is only the 2nd year DH & I are hosting Christmas, but after doing nearly everything last time, I told him that this time he's in charge. I'll help with whatever he wants me to, but this year I want to be the one to ask 'so, how can I help?' rather than being the one to carry the mental load that all the planning & prep involves.

@Alaimo good on you, lm a big fan of taking stuff in turns

Tbh, OP, any whingeing about calories from a family guest at my Christmas table would be met with a sharp 'Please stop that, it's not appropriate'. easily said, I know, but I am somewhat out the other side from where it sounds you are with family.

I'm afraid they don't see the light and wake up to how hard we have been working to please them and begin cherishing and appreciating us; instead they see their worldview confirmed, as it being their due, and settle further into their role as the never-pleasable ones. We can't make it come right by flogging ourselves.

In your case, it sounds as if your dh is enjoying being the beneficiary, and he needs pulling up on it. (Mine's crap at presents/celebrations but has always been beyond brilliant at weight-pulling, and after a few almost comically disastrous birthdays and ensuing serious conversations is even getting better in the former department, so I'm lucky not to have that issue, but I absolutely get that sense of a need to be appreciated in just the way you need (iyswim) driving much of this).

Sorry OP but DH isn't wrong in that You are moaning and expecting others just to figure it out and step up to give you a break.
That's completely unrealistic as a strategy for change.

Obviously it shouldn't be on you to do everything but YOU have allowed this pattern to exist so it's down to you to make the changes you want to see happen.

Work out what would make your life easier and then give clear instructions to each of your family members of what you'd like them to do. Include your parents in this.

Don't hint or make passive suggestions but be crystal clear about your expectations. If DH is so rubbish at cooking, why haven't you been giving him little cooking jobs to do before now to give him more practice? Next year, write out a present list and give it to him to shop and wrap. Once he gets used to doing his share of the organising, he will start to take more initiative if you let him. Accept that he might make some mistakes. Christmas doesn't have to be perfect, but your children will pick up if you're playing the martyr all the time.

My mum was a dreadful moaner and complained that if she didn't do X it wouldn't be done right. Nothing ever changed and it was quite miserable for everyone else anticipating the eye rolls and sighs. I knew I didn't want to copy her behaviour as an adult.

It might be difficult for you let go initially but you have to learn to change too and make sure you take some time out to do something nice for you.

I actually can't wait till I can work Christmas (retraining just now) as then I can avoid all the nonsense of focussing on the 25th. My mum can't argue if I need to be at work.
We will have Christmas celebrations/ meal etc when it suits us and I'll still have the magic of Christmas/santa before I go to work.

Sorry, I didn't mean for my post to sound so bossy.
I just want you to recognise the issues and be brave about tackling your family members.

Oh and thank you so much for all you do working for the NHS. I for one am very grateful.

Happy Christmas OP x

I hope you find your peace, Checkedcloth .

Do you mind if I add something else?

I am guessing that perhaps it is too late for full on revolution this year. But you can start taking steps. Certainly, there's no reason why Boxing Day can't be the buffet affair that others have suggested. Your DH is perfectly capable of opening packets, making sandwiches, heating up sausage rolls or whatever. You can be taking a bath and getting yourself ready, you'll have done the hard yards on Christmas Day, this is your day off before work on 27th. What is your ideal Boxing Day? Games, movie, a walk? Try to get some of that achieved. Get your kids onside. Make it clear to DH that you won't put up with any laziness, moaning or negativity.

As for Christmas Day, try to think of some strategies to make you feel less shit. For example, if your mother complains about the food, have a breezy and witty response ready. Deadpan wit usually confuses the humourless self absorbed types. Either that or a complete non sequitur; she criticises your food, ask her if she likes the tree/your top/badgers.

Make sure that before anyone eats, there is a toast to the chef in acknowledgment of your efforts. Could one of your kids do this? Or do it yourself, bit of chutzpah, make them acknowledge you.

Tell you DH now that you want a beautiful bound notebook for your birthday (make sure he bloody well acknowledges it). Use it over the next year to write a description of a wonderful Christmas that's achievable for you (which will not include a personality transplant for your parents, because that is not happening). Perhaps there's a new ritual you would like to do on the day, e.g., lovely walk, going to say happy Christmas to the ducks or something! Make a list of things you would like to receive and present it to your DH in November with no ifs or buts. Try to get him into doing some meal prep over the next year - try to do it together, make it fun, get the kids involved to do some chopping and stirring. Can you imagine you all cooking Christmas dinner as a family, carols on, everyone having a laugh? Get practising.

You are going to have to force the agenda you want, they are not going to change without you kicking them up the arse. But if it gets you nearer to a magical Christmas 2020 and beyond, it will be worth it, and your own kids will have a lovely legacy passed down from their mum and dad, which has got to be the best gift ever.

I don't think its too late to change for this year at all. I would be telling them they need to make their own plans because you are exhausted and not hosting this year, in fact you are booking a meal out. Do what you want, not what your parents want.

Hi OP,

If anyone deserves a break you do. Stop trying to please your parents, nothing you do will ever be “good enough.”

So time to put yourself first - cancel your parents this year, tell them you need a quiet relaxed Christmas or if it’s easier that the central heating is broken and you have all come down with norovirus!

Just imagine the relief you will feel when you know they are not coming, no stress or tension.

“Because you’re worth it!”

I have been you up till this year but im rebelling this year I will do a big dinner with roast beef on Christmas day fair enough but am doing cold meats (left over beef from day before) ham cheeses and salady stuff for boxing day if my lot don't like it tough