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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally fed up regarding Christmas arrangements?

215 replies

checkedcloth · 16/12/2019 06:51

It’s the same every year. I work in the NHS - so only get 25th and 26th off. I essentially do 80% of all the Christmas organising

I do all the Food planning and cooking. We always have Christmas at ours - never had an invite elsewhere. My parents come to us and so I’m catering for 4 adults and our 2 DCs (Both under 10) My mother will bang on about many calories anything has and never shows any appreciation for the effort I make

I’m just fed up with all the hard work but yet I’m the one with the least time off. Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

I could leave it up to DH but the reality is it will be crap. He can hardly cook and that’s not fair on the kids or me actually in that I’d like a decent meal.

I’ve organised all the gifts and yet I know he hasn’t got me anything so far. He’ll be hoping u just choose something to make it easier for him. In the midst of Christmas is my birthday which will come and go given the time of year.

I just feel fed up with it all. I hear lots of people
Saying they are looking forward to Christmas but yet I just see it as two days of slog then back to work.

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

I could down tools and let him get on with it but then it will be a let down for the DCS which I can’t allow.

OP posts:
Xenadog · 16/12/2019 08:11

So what are you going to do, OP? Consensus seems to be you are a martyr and can change things if you speak up and just stop doing everything.

As for presents from your DH, I think you give him a list of 3 or 4 (expensive?) things and then you can guarantee you will get something you like.

You are in a jail of your own making I’m afraid but you can get out if you clearly speak up.

Christmaspug · 16/12/2019 08:13

Pen and paper .
List everything that still needs doing
Divide it 4 ways
Give a list to each adult
Kids can dry pots after each meal.
Only do what’s on your list
If your parents decide not to come because they aren’t being waited on hand and foot ..oh well ,just split their jobs between u and dh
Happy Christmas op xx

Original poster
checkedcloth · 16/12/2019 08:15

Thank you all for responding, I do appreciate it.

Completely agree that a lot of this sits with me as a result of me being so passive about it. I do have to take responsibility for that.

I suspect that is linked to that fact that I don’t have a particularly healthy relationship with my parents at all. My mother would act like a wounded animal if I was to say that I’ve had enough and I’d like it to be different next year. They certainly wouldn’t book a restaurant or pay for their share in that and would be furious if did that. I’ve had 43 years of an emotionally draining relationship with them - it’s not going to change now.

I think I will suggest Boxing Day food looks different - and it’s more of a left over lunch, I just feel so guilty Confused about this.

My dream Christmas would be to spend the day with friends, good food that everyone really appreciates and very relaxed but fun

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 16/12/2019 08:16

Why would anyone want another Christmas dinner on Boxing Day? That’s bizarre.

And even if they do, what law says you must do what they want at your own expense, both days?

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 08:17

Downsize to what works for you, an easier to prepare dinner and just a day. The kids won’t miss a Christmas dinner on the 26. The adults can do it themselves if they want.

Honestly, if nobody cares enough to put as much work as you do, you don’t need to go the extra mile. Years ago we invited a family for New Year’s Eve but they didn’t confirm they were coming until 4 hours before arrival when we had decided we would be spending the day at the coast and the night in front of the TV.

I was absolutely fuming, we had nothing prepared for a special dinner or the will to do something great given the staggering lack of consideration so... we spent £30 in Iceland Christmas food and had everything ready in les than 90 minutes.

Believe me, once the food was displayed on the table and we added plenty of candles they didn’t notice all of it was frozen food.

Quartz2208 · 16/12/2019 08:18

You know what I am sure your dcs would be happy with you being present and happy, no one needs the meal so just don’t do it

Maybe look next year if there is a local restaurant you can eat at (even this time if not too late) or pre buy stuff. Then tell people Boxing Day is not a mel

BiddyPop · 16/12/2019 08:21

DH and DCs can do a lot of prep on 24th - peeling and chopping veg, cleaning, setting table etc. Even very small DCs can get involved with parts of those, fetching and carrying, etc.

DPs need to bring something like starter or pudding. Definitely invite DM to bring something suitable for herself to eat but tell her you don’t want to hear anything about the rest of it - as a healthcare professional, you probably know the info about how healthy most parts of Christmas dinner actually are (even roasties if done in olive oil), but also that some indulgence can make such a positive difference to people’s mental health also.

Tell DH that he is delegated to not only organizing your present, but your birthday celebrations also. Because you are out working and need to get some relaxation time as well.

And definitely stop doing a second roast dinner on 26th unless that is what YOU want to do. There are lots of lovely ways to eat that don’t need that amount of work - leftovers, party food buffet, turkey sandwiches and a pot of soup, an easy winter casserole that cooks itself,....

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/12/2019 08:22

It's very easy (particularly if you are trying to please an unpleasable parent) to fall into the trap of 'it must all be done and it must all be done perfectly'.

And when you're trying to squeeze it all into the bleak couple of days you get off, it's even harder. But if people whinge, then it says more about them than it does about you. If they don't like it, well, they can do it themselves, can't they?

ineedaholidaynow · 16/12/2019 08:23

No suggesting Boxing Day lunch will be different, just announce you are not cooking another Christmas meal. If they don’t like that they can cook it themselves.

What day is your birthday?

Are you an only child? Do your parents stay over?

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/12/2019 08:25

If you cook a big dinner for Christmas though, and another for Boxing Day, where do all the leftovers go?

originaldomesticgodess · 16/12/2019 08:25

Read the thread from yesterday....'fuck it, just fuck it' should make you laugh!

PanamaPattie · 16/12/2019 08:30

You want a different Christmas - it’s up to you to change. So what if your mother will act like a wounded animal? Let her get on with it. Stop being a martyr. It’s your Christmas too. Do what you want this year.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 16/12/2019 08:30

Don't suggest that Boxing day food will be different. Just do it! As long as any allergies are catered for and food for anyone who is veggie, they can like it or lump it. Do it with confidence and a smile.

EvaHarknessRose · 16/12/2019 08:30

Every few years I just explode after Christmas and we do something different for one year. You are not alone.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 16/12/2019 08:31

If you don't change things you are sending a message to your kids that this is how it is supposed to be. Show them the path you want them to follow.

Gatehouse77 · 16/12/2019 08:36

I can understand how these things have simply rolled over from one year to the next and assumptions have been made.

If it were me, I'd sit down with DH and the kids and ask them what their ideal Christmas would be - anything goes to start with - and work backwards from there to find a compromise that your family are happy with. Including what food, when, who buys which gifts, when you buy the tree, etc. Try and cover everything you can think of.
Then I'd inform anyone else coming what the arrangements are, that they're more than welcome to join in "x, y, z" and that's it.

It can change, it might be bumpy at the beginning but keep the end goal in mind!

TheOliphantintheRoom · 16/12/2019 08:37

I don't understand why people martyr themselves.

Pizza, garlic bread and salad on Boxing Day shouldn't be beyond your DH.

Make an announcement on Xmas Day that next year either your parents will be hosting or they can stay at home. And tell your DH he's got 12 months to learn how to make a roast.

And just choose a lovely gift you want from DH for heaven's sake!

Ijustwanttoretire · 16/12/2019 08:37

I too only have two days off - and I am cooking for 8 adults - the trick is prep, stuffing - make and freeze, pigs in blankets - make and freeze, buy all the veg frozen, I even cook the turkey the evening before (surely your husband can chuck a bird in the oven?) and braise it Xmas day, much nicer, not dry and use the slowcooker to do the pud. It's hectic for an hour or so but that's about it.

Ginfordinner · 16/12/2019 08:37

I agree with kitten
M and S and Aunt Bessie's is your friend.
Cold turkey and bubble and squeak on Boxing Day. If they don't like it they can go without or go out.

Stop being a passive doormat.

Jenpop234 · 16/12/2019 08:38

My DH is crap too but I refuse to let him get away with it. I write a list of things that he has to do. This year he had to buy DS presents off a list I wrote, organise and book somewhere to see Father Christmas and he'll be doing any food on boxing Day. I also make sure he helps me with all the food prep on Xmas eve. He needs direction but then he gets on with it fine. Be assertive and refuse to do everything, my mum is coming over Xmas day and she's bringing dessert and some wine. We do the after dinner clean up together. X

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 16/12/2019 08:39

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

Well, he would think that, because otherwise he'd have to acknowledge he's not pulling his weight.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 16/12/2019 08:40

I can’t imagine cooking on Boxing Day, no wonder you feel on a merry go round of cooking-cleaning up. Don’t suggest, just inform them. Cheese board, salad and left over Christmas meat is great for Boxing Day and comes out for lunch and dinner in our house.
I get the toxic parents but I think the only way to dramatically improve Christmas is to either not see them or see them but do things you want regardless of their reactions. Are you an only child?

Ellmau · 16/12/2019 08:40

Cold leftovers on Boxing Day, plus a bit of salad and maybe some sausage rolls and cheese. Nothing involving prep. Just plonk it on table. Surely DH can manage that ;)

If you can afford it, insist on going out for Christmas lunch next year. You need a break. If DPs don't want to come, so be it.

Mamsnetter2020 · 16/12/2019 08:43

Tell your husband that for Christmas you want to have an actual day off on Boxing Day - he sorts out the food all day for everyone!

christmasbow · 16/12/2019 08:49

I'm the same op I'm in private sector but only 25/26 off and annoying days Christmas falls on this year means it's just a lot of hassle in the middle of the week.Get your kin to bring desert let dh wreck the dinner what's the worst that can happen and drink copious amount of alcohol on 25th so you have 26th to get over it.
My plan anyway. Wine