To be totally fed up regarding Christmas arrangements?

[checkedcloth]

It’s the same every year. I work in the NHS - so only get 25th and 26th off. I essentially do 80% of all the Christmas organising

I do all the Food planning and cooking. We always have Christmas at ours - never had an invite elsewhere. My parents come to us and so I’m catering for 4 adults and our 2 DCs (Both under 10) My mother will bang on about many calories anything has and never shows any appreciation for the effort I make

I’m just fed up with all the hard work but yet I’m the one with the least time off. Everyone expects Christmas dinner on the 26th too.

I could leave it up to DH but the reality is it will be crap. He can hardly cook and that’s not fair on the kids or me actually in that I’d like a decent meal.

I’ve organised all the gifts and yet I know he hasn’t got me anything so far. He’ll be hoping u just choose something to make it easier for him. In the midst of Christmas is my birthday which will come and go given the time of year.

I just feel fed up with it all. I hear lots of people
Saying they are looking forward to Christmas but yet I just see it as two days of slog then back to work.

I’ve tried to explain to DH how I feel but he just doesn’t seem to get it and thinks I’m just moaning.

I could down tools and let him get on with it but then it will be a let down for the DCS which I can’t allow.

Yes my mother’s behaviour is terrible. Has been all my life. Even at 43 I’m still tied to it and wanting to impress her and my father. I know that it’s futile though. I try not to allow myself to think about it at any other time because it’s incredibly upsetting. I yearn for a supportive relationship with them - I have no siblings nor aunts / uncles so there is no other family at all.

I would put the following practical things in place:

Whoever is at home on the 24th preps the veg and leaves them in pans of cold water ready to cook on the 25th. If DH isn't capable then print out instructions on how to peel a potato.

26th is declared as a day of rest. Food will be leftovers plus some nice pickles etc. and a salad

But actually the thing I would really want to change in your shoes is who you spend Christmas with. It should be a celebratory day that everyone can enjoy and everyone should be involved in some way in making it all come together. I'd do away with inviting your ungrateful, emotionally draining parents. If they were emotionally draining but really appreciated spending Christmas with you that would almost be acceptable. If they were great company but never said thank you that would almost be acceptable. But you have to ask yourself the question, are you going to keep doing this year after year for the foreseeable future? If you don't want to keep doing this ad nauseum then add to your list of jobs for the new year, letting your parents know that Christmas 2020 you have decided to spend just with DH and the kids.

I had a similar mother. Put me down every chance she got. I had to go NC with her as I became ill through trying to be her Ideal Daughter. I, and you, never can be that person - nor should we want to. My relationship with my adult DC is sooo different. We are equals with no expectations either side. Much healthier.

Set boundaries now, before you get to the NC stage.

OP this post says far more about you than it does about whats wrong here. I get the everything must be perfect for everyone I do understand but you seem to think the only one who can make this happen is you and its not! It should be a joint affair with everyone mucking in together to make christmas the best it can be for each other. You have to let go a bit and trust others to do their bit too.You work too you deserve some respect and appreciation and help and its time you demanded it.This year get on the internet ..you will need to order fast now as its getting late and take the strain out of trailing round the shops.And buy yourself something fantastic for your birthday and christmas . Make new traditions ..if it all goes tits up its something to laugh about. The pressure is pressure you are putting on yourself and it doesnt need to be like this. Xmas eve chuck a bottle of bleach down the loo ..get the kids to lay the table and pre cook all you can.Oder a take away so you dont need to break off from prep and balls to it then...its done.The trick is to accept that perfect doesnt matter good enough will do.It will all be forgotten the next day!Dont ask to be let down tell them all what you need and what they are doing to help.You can make left overs amazing with not much effort so thats boxing day sorted too ...cold cuts and salad pork pie mince pies and cheeses ....if mum doesnt like it tell her you are knackered and worn out and it will have to do.What can she say really?You know she is going to sulk at some point so let her get on with it. Or failing that volunteer for boxing day at work and cancel the whole thing! Leave the kids and dh to see to themselves and take a day off later maybe when they are back at work/school.There is no way you should put yourself under so much strain when there really is no need. Work on you ..respect yourself more.You deserve a break as much if not more so than anyone so take it.

Your D.C. are still very young. It’s not too late to start making some new family traditions for them. And if one of those is that the Boxing Day menu is a buffet of cold turkey, some sort of bread and salads that everyone grazes on, so much the better.

Don’t be a martyr. Sit down after dinner on Christmas Day and announce ‘ that’s it from me, I’m knackered. You guys can take over now. Who’s going to bring me a glass of wine/cup of tea’ and then leave them to it. Resist the temptation to jump up and wait on people. It might be easier in the short term to do things yourself but in the long run it makes a rod for your own back. Ask other people to bring in the cake/empty the dishwasher/put out the recycling etc. If anyone raises an eyebrow just slump on the settee groaning weakly and saying ‘I’ve been running around like a blue arsed fly for days and I’m knackered’ and repeat as often as necessary

OP you're suffering from FOG - fear obligation and guilt, as well as the deep need to have parents who actually love and support you, but as I have learned, you cannot turn them into that.

The Out of the Fog really helped me.

I agree with some of the posts, that maybe you should trust and empower DH and DCs to do more. Anyone who works for NHS is doing nearly twice the work of one person, and in a stressful environment; not everyone will realise that, even DH. The trouble is, the NHS is not the sort of job you just up and leave, to try something else.

Order this - www.cookfood.net/menu/christmas/christmas-day/christmas-lunch-bundles/Christmas-lunch-spread/

Then the leftovers = Boxing day.

Hand it all over to your husband to prep - I'm confident he can read a label.

You can't keep on doing this - you're being a martyr and having a shit time, when it's supposed to be fun for you too.

OP your mum sounds like she will moan about anything so you may as well do what YOU want and have her moan about that!

You tell them what you want and if no one likes it then tell them they don't have to join or celebrate with you.

Thank you for that link - I will look at it later when I have some time to read it throughly

Yes working in a professional role in the NHS is so hard. All consuming. It’s a 50 hour week, every week, emotionally all consuming. Hell - the expectation is to also have an active twitter account to share, celebrate nursing and NHS - there is no bloody break from it!

Can you go out for dinner Boxing day? Or even better for next year just have family over Christmas day and say you want a 'rest day' on Boxing day?

Bless you, no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Lots of good advice here so I won't add to it, but I guarantee your DC will have the fondest memories of Christmas when they are older, even if they are too young to notice what you do now. You need to share the load, but your efforts aren't going to waste.

I don't blame you at all OP - they all need to help you out even if you do the main cooking of the roast. I'd still rather do it myself than have an unpleasant meal cooked for me!

I have a similar problem in that we are going away for a few days this week - so I have been researching, booking, planning, sorting care for the dog, while preparing for Christmas etc. I remarked to DH yesterday that he had not done one single thing to help me - his answer 'I don't know why you get stressed - you only have to throw a few things in a suitcase and go'!!!

Time to let go of trying to impress your parents. You know that nothing you do will appease them, so just stop. I wouldn't bother inviting them next year, and I'd ignore any comments from them this year.

We always overcater on food for Christams day, so on Boxing Day, all we have to do, is load our plates up with the leftovers, and nuke them in the microwave.
The rest of the time, we eat picky food.

My DH and I always send each other a wish list around October, to allow plenty of time to get things. There are always art supplies that I want, that he wouldn't know about, so it makes sense to do that. DH is into retro gaming, so a lot of the things he'd like, I wouldn't know about, too, and his birthday is between Christmas and New Year, so I have to make sure I've got something for that too.

I know there are pps on MN who don't agree with giving a list with present ideas, but it saves a lot of hassle, and you know that (if your DH sticks to the list) you'll get something you'd actually like.

@MilkTray leave him behind!

Task the dinner to husband. Every supermarket does enough 'bung it in the oven' food to make a great meal with little prep.

Kids can set the table

Tell parents to bring dessert

Continue to make Xmas day lovely for your dc whilst they are so young. As they get older you can relax more about everything.

However I'd make Boxing day your day. Feet up. Everyone can run around you. Make sure everyone knows that's your Xmas break.

You are an adult. You have agency in your life. Why are you doing things you do not want to do? Seriously, I despair at people who moan when they are 100% in control of their situation. Just say No - as I learnt on Mumsnet, No is a complete sentence.

Then do what YOU want. Reaching my 40's and now just 50, and losing family members, made me realise I was in charge of my life and I would no longer do what everyone else wanted - and do you know what? When I stopped doing it, no one cared - so I had been pandering to them all for years and none of them really cared!!!!

So, this year, decide what YOU want to do, and do that. And if you don't like what your DH buys you for a present, buy a treat for yourself that you want, from you to you.

And sit down with a box of chocs and Netflix and enjoy your 2 days off.

How are your parents around your DC? Are they not nice to you in front of them? Might be time to stop inviting them

I organise all the gifts and kids activities, Santa visits, food shopping etc. I absolutely refuse to cook Christmas dinner as I would much prefer an Indian takeaway and the kids prefer picky meals. Dh loves a Christmas dinner so has too Cook it as I wouldn’t. On Boxing Day we eat left overs end off. I don’t cook either. If your dh and parents want Christmas dinner tell them to get on with making it. If not order a take away and be done.

I do have in my mind this perfect Christmas that I am always striving for.

Don't overdo it. Your kids need a nice Christmas, not a perfect Christmas. And a more relaxed cheery Mum with time to join in would make their Christmas nicer than a perfectly cooked meal with a Mum who is tired and distracted trying to keep up with what "has" to be done next.

You are making plenty of magic for your kids but that doesn't mean you have to make the magic that everyone else should be making themselves. It's unhealthy for your kids to grow up believing Mum makes everything happen, just as unhealthy as growing up the way you did believing Mum makes nothing happen.

As far as presents go, amazon wish lists simplify matters. Or just get everyone to write a list out. Oh and invest in some gift bags from poundland and recycle them every year. I hardly ever wrap presents now, I just pop them in a bag and put a label which can be easily removed on.

I think YABU because you're not being realistic with the time you have. Ready made M&S/ Waitrose food.. As others have said. Turkey crown, could your husband cook this? I'm terrible in the kitchen but roasts are so easy. Leftovers on boxing day. We're hosting on Christmas day but Boxing Day will be just for us.
I'm responsible for most of the gift choosing in our house. I start in August / September so I can shop around and spread the cost. My husband and I mutually agree not to do gifts most years. This year we are treating ourselves to a special date day / night.
Take a big step back, Christmas is meant to be fun, not complicated.

It's a bit late to affect this year much, given that it's less than 10 days away - but you've mentioned what you want to change, so sort that out next year. Amazon wishlist for gifts from your DH and DC's until he can get his act together. Maybe buy him a cookery course for his birthday so that he can become functional in the kitchen. Book a restaurant for your immediate family for Boxing Day. Tell your DP's (early enough so you can get the tantrums done and out of the way) that you will be seeing friends this Christmas and they will have to make their own plans. And if you can afford it, buy a lot of the food ready prepped.

Not too late at all for this year, eg boxing day meal, getting DH to do a fair share of the xmas prep