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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DU never locks the bloody door

265 replies

Saitama · 16/12/2019 01:27

Title really, we moved to a new house recently and DH so far 6 times (not that I’m counting... Hmm ) has left the front door unlocked. We live on a main road so the front door is easily accessible. We also have dogs so if they jumped at or knocked the door handle it could open, they could escape and get run over as well as all our stuff being stolen. Fab!

I find this absolutely infuriating. He doesn’t take it seriously, says he will lock it next time and promises to lock it as soon as he gets in, but 6 chances later and he still leaves it unlocked and now I obviously don’t trust him.

I’ve taken his house keys and our car key from him and said I’ll have to let him in and out of the house like a child. I don’t trust him with the car key because how can I know he’s locking the car if he can’t even lock the house door? I’ve told him he has to get a bus to work now. Too harsh? AIBU?

How do I make him lock the fking door!?!? I don’t want to have to babysit the keys but what choice do I have? I looked at getting an auto lock as a secondary lock but it’s a upvc door so I’m unsure you can even get it for that type, and frankly why should I have to spend money on that when as an adult DH should just be able to lock the door normally? ARGH! Angry

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 16/12/2019 08:25

I am lucky to have a fairly nice modern car, with quite a few nice features and I had never even heard of a car that locks itself automatically as you walk away until this thread. What an education. Although mine does lock itself automatically if you unlock it and then don't actually open the door to get into it within 30 seconds or so...

Anyway, OP, this would drive me mad too but you can't take another adult's keys away. It's his home too.

DappledThings · 16/12/2019 08:26

Seriously! Is the auto locking on cars not a thing?

My 3 year old CRV (I have no idea if that is high-end, we got it because it has a massive boot rather than any other spec) has a feature whereby if you unlock it but then don't open a door for some reason within a short time period it relocks. It doesn't just automatically lock because you've turned the engine off and closed the doors. I have heard of that but not sure it's that standard.

Back to the OP, has he actually agreed the door should be locked? If he doesn't and is just being passive aggressive about "forgetting" that's twatty. But if he doesn't agree it should be he is allowed that opinion.

We (and my parents, PIL, brother & SIL) only lock our doors when we go up to bed or out.

Sagradafamiliar · 16/12/2019 08:27

Just to add to my earlier post. Don't leave your keys in the door, or on a hook near the door. It's very common for burglars to fish out keys through the letter box, or push them out the lock and fish them out in the same way. You're making it easy for them.
Also, the daylight robberies where opportunists just walk into the unlocked house and make off with car keys or whatever else they want, are common in affluent areas (personal experience and professional).

Iwantacookie · 16/12/2019 08:29

Yanbu he is acting like a child leaving the door unlocked so if you have to treat him like a child to get him to lock the door so be it.

doublecheeseburgermediumfries · 16/12/2019 08:29

My situation is different but my boyfriend rarely locks the door. Luckily we live in a flat so when it's forgotten about, we're ok! But you cannot chance these things.

It's annoying when you're laid in bed and settled, and PING your mind goes "is the front door locked?" I made a big song and dance of Is the door locked? I'll go and check! No no you stay I'll check it." So he feels bad about me having to get out of bed.

I've just nagged and nagged so he is slowly remembering to lock the door. Eventually he will be fully trained for when we move into a house.

StreetwiseHercules · 16/12/2019 08:30

Abuse comes in many forms. Lots of abusers on this thread.

Rezie · 16/12/2019 08:30

But the husband used to do it in the previous house and now suddenly in a new house he keeps forgetting. For them the agreed norm is to lock the door. I think this is an important part.

CherryPavlova · 16/12/2019 08:31

Iwantacookie - why does an unlocked door make you childlike? It can simply be different views on what’s important. One perspective doesn’t make you more or less adult.

MotherTime3 · 16/12/2019 08:32

How old is your car that it doesn't automatically central lock when you step away from it?
Our central locking definately does not do it automatically, and it’s barely 3 yrs old.

Op I have all the questions... (and none of the answers)
Do you mean he intentionally doesn’t lock it, or does he forget?
Do you mean he doesn’t lock it when entering the house, or when he goes out, so the house is left empty?
What was the rule in the old house? Has he stopped doing what he always did, or have you changed the rules due to a different environment.

I’m leaning towards yabu I’m afraid, but I think this one will go 50/50 based on people’s situations

selmabear · 16/12/2019 08:33

YANBU for getting annoyed with him. But YABVU for making him get the bus to work, he's not a child. He has to go to work to earn a wage to pay Bills. Stick a note on the door reminding him to lock it or become an irritating voice and ask him is he's locked it.

ADogInTheManger · 16/12/2019 08:35

Surely if the door is shut nobody can just walk in from outside?

No. Not all doors work like that. If mine is unlocked on the inside then anyone can open it from the outside. That's the only type of door I've had over multiple houses.

mummyway · 16/12/2019 08:38

YaNbu. My oh has left door unlocked and even open and also keys in the door and with 2 children I was on the verge of leaving him I was so frustrated. He risks his and your own safety. That is carelessness and a disregard. Ask him is he trying to end the relationship and is this his cowards way of getting you to leave him so he doesn't have to do it. Because a man that continuously shows such disragrd for your safety is saying he doesn't care about you

Ijustwanttoretire · 16/12/2019 08:40

My adult son used to do this - in the end we changed the door so when it's closed its locked - we actually had a guy walk in the house one evening - obviously planning on nicking stuff, was surprised when he found me sitting in the living room in the dark... scared the sh*t out of me, so I TOTALLY get your fear...

AnyMinuteNow · 16/12/2019 08:42

He's taking the piss and doesn't give a shit about your home security or the safety of your dogs lives.

If he can reliably lock doors up until the move then this is nonsensical.

If he can't manage to lock your car doors then yes, he can't be trusted with your car, don't let him use it.

As for taking his house keys, no. Doesn't mean you have to accept his attitude though as he's treating your safety with utter disregard.

Tell him that he clearly couldn't care less, unless he's developing a medical problem or drinking to excess or taking drugs!

Your house fronts onto a busy street I have no idea what on earth he's thinking to do this, other than he really doesn't care or has a developing health issue.

Rosebel · 16/12/2019 08:43

Is he leaving it locked when he comes in or goes out? If it's the first get over it and just lock it yourself. YABU to take his keys away. Plus would your dog really be able to open the door?

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 16/12/2019 08:44

I have a DH like this and it’s infuriating. He isn’t as bad with locks but just generally absent minded.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would also get a Yale lock on the front door.

ArlenesWoodBurningStove · 16/12/2019 08:44

It probably helps that we live in a village, but I don’t relate to this at all: Most men don’t understand the fear that women experience every single day. That low level awareness you have to always have turned on when you are not behind a locked door.

I’m not convinced that being a woman means living in fear all the time.

DinoSn0re · 16/12/2019 08:48

Whilst taking his keys is a bit extreme, I do sympathise OP. My DH is terrible for leaving doors and windows unlocked and open. I told him time and time again not to, but he wouldn’t listen. This resulted in him being attacked downstairs by an intruder during the night a few years ago, I was asleep upstairs with our children. He had left our back door unlocked (his argument being “but I was downstairs so it shouldn’t matter”). I have never really forgiven him for the danger it put us all in and every time I find windows left open for no reason and doors unlocked I get really angry about it.

Iwantacookie · 16/12/2019 08:49

I cant believe how many of you dont lock your doors when inside.
My front door is always locked as someone could easily sneak in and go upstairs without anyone noticing.
I'll leave my back door unlocked unless I'm expecting the dc home. I dont want anyone being able to walk in my house

Biancadelrioisback · 16/12/2019 08:50

I'm another one who doesn't live in fear everyday. Although I do take a few more precautions than DH in every day life, I certainly don't live in fear

Thestrangestthing · 16/12/2019 08:54

I 9nly lock the doors at night 🤷‍♀️

MonstranceClock · 16/12/2019 08:55

Weird and controlling. I never lock my door!

ADogInTheManger · 16/12/2019 08:58

It isn't weird to lock your door. Opportunist thieves aren't uncommon. I've personally witnessed them more than once(thankfully not my house).

Tensixtysix · 16/12/2019 09:01

A word of warning on 'Auto lock house doors', unless you turn the key, it can be opened via the letterbox (try it yourself).
Burglars look out for 'palm' door handles (short stubby ones).

ThinkIamflyingundertheradar · 16/12/2019 09:03

A front door that doesn’t automatically lock sounds unsafe and not fit for purpose to me. Even you might forget one day OP and that might be the day you get a break in. Fit new locks and if that’s not possible, fit a new, safer door that does lock. It should be your top priority, way ahead of a turkey or Christmas presents.

And then get some relationship counselling. A relationship where one adult can unilaterally remove the others house and car keys is an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. Whatever he’s done or not done it is controlling and abusive to deny him free access to his own home.