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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DU never locks the bloody door

265 replies

Saitama · 16/12/2019 01:27

Title really, we moved to a new house recently and DH so far 6 times (not that I’m counting... Hmm ) has left the front door unlocked. We live on a main road so the front door is easily accessible. We also have dogs so if they jumped at or knocked the door handle it could open, they could escape and get run over as well as all our stuff being stolen. Fab!

I find this absolutely infuriating. He doesn’t take it seriously, says he will lock it next time and promises to lock it as soon as he gets in, but 6 chances later and he still leaves it unlocked and now I obviously don’t trust him.

I’ve taken his house keys and our car key from him and said I’ll have to let him in and out of the house like a child. I don’t trust him with the car key because how can I know he’s locking the car if he can’t even lock the house door? I’ve told him he has to get a bus to work now. Too harsh? AIBU?

How do I make him lock the fking door!?!? I don’t want to have to babysit the keys but what choice do I have? I looked at getting an auto lock as a secondary lock but it’s a upvc door so I’m unsure you can even get it for that type, and frankly why should I have to spend money on that when as an adult DH should just be able to lock the door normally? ARGH! Angry

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 16/12/2019 04:01

So, is he not locking it when he comes in or goes out? When he goes out is unreasonable (but not as unreasonable as you taking the keys off him Hmm), but as he’s an adult, he can choose to leave the door unlocked when he’s in his house if he wants.

Alicealicewhothe · 16/12/2019 04:02

Is it just when he is coming into the house he Is not locking it behind him or when he Is leaving the house and no one is home? Two different things in my opinion. Yes of course best to have door locked when your home but i dont think that warrant you taking his keys. If hes leaving it unlocked whilst out then yes fair enough to be extreme as that's just stupid!

AxeOfKindness · 16/12/2019 04:43

I understand why people are saying taking his house keys is controlling, but honestly this isn't just an annoyance - your safety is at risk here (it's not only burglary that is the risk, unfortunately) and he refuses to take that seriously.

Would posters still feel it was unreasonable if you had small children to protect as well as just you, dogs and belongings?

In those circumstances, I'm not sure what else you're supposed to do to protect yourself or your family, although it's an extreme measure and not one you're really 'entitled' to take even if he's putting you at risk.

Either way, if the car is yours I don't think YABU to say you don't trust him to drive it anymore if he has another option for transport. Maybe that's the middle ground.

rhubarbcrumbles · 16/12/2019 05:17

It's a nuisance but YABVU to treat him like a child. If a woman came on here and said her DH was treating her like that there would be a chorus of LTB and enquiries about it he was abusive and/or controlling.

AxeOfKindness · 16/12/2019 05:29

@rhubarbcrumbles it's not just a 'nuisance' though, is it?
I don't know where the OP lives but particularly if it's in London, for example, it's bloody dangerous.

frazzledasarock · 16/12/2019 05:37

I don’t think YABU. Does your P leave his own things unlocked and unprotected?

I would look at getting the lock changed purely because your current one sounds like it doesn’t offer any kind of security.

And I would not be leaving reminder and stick up reminders for the poor ickle thoughtless twat who isn’t caring about his partners security.

Don’t know where you live but I’m in London and a lot worse could happen than a burglary if the house got broken into.

And good for making him take public transport, maybe the inconvenience will give home time to think about his utter stupidity.

rhubarbcrumbles · 16/12/2019 05:38

I don't know where the OP lives but particularly if it's in London, for example, it's bloody dangerous.

I'd be more worried about where I'd chosen to live in that case, living somewhere where not locking your door is 'bloody dangerous' sounds horrendous. Round our way it's more of a nuisance if the door is locked when you have to answer it to take in a parcel.

Our door is only locked if we are out in the garden/upstairs.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/12/2019 05:43

YANBU and he is being an absolute idiot. Insurers won’t pay out unless locks are used, and what about your personal safety?

I’d install a Yale, but until then YANBU to hold onto the keys. Controlling behaviour my arse, his irresponsible behaviour is endangering you and you are allowed to protect yourself.

Dogno1 · 16/12/2019 05:43

Hardly being a 'snobby twat', our car is 7yrs old and comes with central locking, as do most cars under 10yrs old as standard. Regardless, I don't think OP can take her DPs house key off him if he's presumably over 16 and paying half the rent or mortgage. Yes, reinforce he needs to lock the door, but don't expect him to stick around if he's being told he isn't allowed a key, will have to get the bus, and presumably sit on the doorstep for hours if you're out. I'd be saying fuck that and moving into my own place.

NearlyGranny · 16/12/2019 05:45

Reminders taped inside the door are ugly and pointless - first I'd say organise changing the lock to one that locks itself when the door closes. He pays. Then tell him he needs to open a savings account to cover the cost of the car and the entire contents of the house because nothing is going to be covered by your insurance if left unlocked.

You can't live like this. Did you live in a village before?!

frazzledasarock · 16/12/2019 05:47

That’s a good idea, he should move out, leaving his own front door unlocked being broken into and having the shit beaten out of him by burglars will probably ensure he never leaves his front door again.

blubelle7 · 16/12/2019 06:09

I'm uneasy about this. It may seem justified because of his mistakes but your reaction is incredibly controlling and infantilising.

  1. He is an adult not an naughty child who needs to be disciplined.
  2. If he were a woman posting about how her husband has taken the keys and car from her in response to her occasionally leaving the door unlocked because she is so ttired and frazzled or forgetful because she is tired shouldering most of the household responsibility, I'm sure most would respond with cries of coercive control and abuse.

You sound like my friend's controlling husband, making one leap from one mistake (the house door albeit 6 times) and transferring it to another issue as a justification to withhold trust and that activity (the car).

I get you are frustrated OP but they are ways to deal with this that are not so drastic, demeaning and detrimental to your relationship. Getting an auto lock, sitting down and discussing it like adults.

Imagine another woman telling you "I can't go home too early because I will be caught in the rain as I have to wait for my husband to let me in because I'm not ALLOWED to have a house key anymore"- that would immediately get your back up.

chamenanged · 16/12/2019 06:16

You sound abusive and horrible. And your husband is either too gentlemanly or too scared of you to just grab his own keys back and tell you to fuck off. Poor man.

TheClausSeason · 16/12/2019 06:17

Get him to WhatsApp you a photo of him locking the door every time he leaves the house. If he does it something like 21 times in a row, locking it should become a habit (or so I've heard). You've no right to take his keys- I'm amazed he let you.

Angelw · 16/12/2019 06:23

I have the same problem with DH and this is one of the many reasons I secretly plan to leave him in the very near future. We have 3 kids under 5 and he still leaves the front door unlocked. He says he forgot or “ did i sorry ”and on several occasions his friends have just walked into our house, most recent being last week. We live on a main road and I’m constantly anxious 😥 😓(countless times in my case). YANBU

happycamper11 · 16/12/2019 06:24

How old is your car that it doesn't automatically central lock when you step away from it?

LOL at the typical mumsnet style comment that assumes everyone can afford the things they can. Only higher end cars have these features even now. DF bought a brand new car last month and even that doesn't do this. My car requires you to physically press the button too

GnomeDePlume · 16/12/2019 06:27

I saw in your OP that you have dogs. Do they bark if anyone comes to the door? Mine does. So far as I am aware that is the biggest deterrant to a potential burglar. Most burglars just want a quick in & out. Door unlocked makes the in easy. Unknown dogs make the out highly questionable. Burglar Bill will move on to an easier target.

Beautiful3 · 16/12/2019 06:30

This would drive me mad. Years ago I watched a tall man look through my front door, he was trying to see if anyone was in. Thankfully my door was locked. He went away. This has scared me as I was home alone with a small child.

Beautiful3 · 16/12/2019 06:32

I dont agree with you removing his keys, its borderline abusive.

pinkstripeycat · 16/12/2019 06:35

Bookmark

Today 02:00 Dogno1

How old is your car that it doesn't automatically central lock when you step away from it?

My car is less than 2 years old and doesn’t auto lock.

SnowyRacoon · 16/12/2019 06:39

Lock it yourself 🙄

PositiveVibez · 16/12/2019 06:40

I agree that if the roles were reversed and you had said you had forgotten to lock the front door on a few occasions and hlnow your husband has removed your keys and also decided to take your cat keys just in case you never locked the car door. In addition to this, told you that you now had to get the bus to work because, based on zero evidence you might also forget to lock the car door, EVERYONE on here would be telling you to lt abusive b!!

Do you suffer with anxiety usually? Thinking someone is going to come in and steal your dogs is a bit of an ott reaction.

PositiveVibez · 16/12/2019 06:41

Car keys. No cat keys obviously 🙄

Rezie · 16/12/2019 06:41

How old is your car that it doesn't automatically central lock when you step away from it?
Our (or bf's) car is 3 years old and doesn't even have central locking. You have to use a key to open all the doors individually. So id say with most basic car models you have to push the button for it to lock.

HeronLanyon · 16/12/2019 06:41

Change the lock ffs. CTL.