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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
ButtonandPickle19 · 15/12/2019 22:52

It’s only sad if one partner wants a physical relationship and the other doesn’t. If they’re both happy with that then fine.

Lockheart · 15/12/2019 22:52

People stay in unhappy relationships for all sorts of reasons. It's none of your business.

TheoriginalLEM · 15/12/2019 22:52

None of your business

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 15/12/2019 22:53

Hmm. And hes told you this because....

whiskersonkittenss · 15/12/2019 22:54

Wonder where this will go Hmm

Itschristmasimallowedwine · 15/12/2019 22:54

Mmm do you think he’s hinting?

Itschristmasimallowedwine · 15/12/2019 22:54

Cross post!

Mumdiva99 · 15/12/2019 22:55

He's been happy enough for 20 years or he would have left by now. Not your business.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 15/12/2019 22:56

He obviously made the choice to stay with her so don't feel sorry for him. Maybe her other qualities make up for the lack of sex and he loves her too much to leave. They could still have an affectionate relationship.

I wonder why he is telling you this now? Any reason?

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 22:57

Hmm. And hes told you this because....

LOL.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 15/12/2019 22:58

I have a friend who’s Not had sex since the birth of her youngest- who is 15. Started off as a joint decision but he’s much older and never wanted to get help when She wanted to fix things. They split up this summer. Sad because I think had he been willing to get help it would have been salvageable.

MyNewBearTotoro · 15/12/2019 22:58

Of course it’s not wrong. Perfectly reasonable for somebody to decide they don’t want sex, even if they’re in a relationship, and reasonable for the other party to decide the positive of the relationship are worth the celibacy (or to leave if not). The sex lives (or lack of it) of others is really none of your business and I’m sure the couple certainly don’t need your disdain or pity.

gamerchick · 15/12/2019 22:58

I wonder why he is telling you this now? Any reason?

Close male friend? That he wants to get laid and is almost certain his close female friend will put out for him?

Aaarrgghhh · 15/12/2019 22:59

I think it’s silly to stay for the kids if he isn’t happy but that’s the choice he made. Now the children have grown up if he’s still sad about it then maybe now would be the time to leave the relationship.

SarahTancredi · 15/12/2019 22:59

Trust me hes been having sex. Hes after a sympathy shag.

If shes not sleeping with him hes probably cheated or crap or both and thTs why.

Twinklelikethechristmastree · 15/12/2019 22:59

Perhaps he's crap in bed? Perhaps the spark has gone but sounds like he's trying to get into your bed instead.

Costacoffeeplease · 15/12/2019 22:59

Do you believe him? Agree with pp - not your business, and why is he telling you?

TheReluctantCountess · 15/12/2019 22:59

That’s ok, if that’s how they’ve chosen to live.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 15/12/2019 23:02

I think this is really common and v sad for both parties

Bayleaf25 · 15/12/2019 23:05

Sorry, none of your business, you have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors (certainly not the true picture).

breakfastpizza · 15/12/2019 23:06

"Before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years"

Monica fell for it. Don't you. Grin

IfNot · 15/12/2019 23:09

Of course it's sad. Yes, probably he's telling you because he's hoping for something, but a couple having no sex for 20 year, when one of them wants to is really sad.
It's easy to say "well he could have just left" but if it was you would it be so easy to just leave your kids and marriage because you're not getting your end away? Not sure I could.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 15/12/2019 23:13

Oh, years ago, my old boss told one of my newer colleagues he hadn't had sex for a decade and she ended up sleeping with him several times. When she confided in me, I asked why she was sleeping with our married boss. She said she found him attractive and felt sorry for him as he's not had sex once in 10 years. Told her she clearly didn't know her predecessors (yes, plural) had both had affairs with him, not to mention he had an 8 year old and 6 year old child...

Is your 'good friend' looking for a sympathy shag?

Either way, really none of your business and he really shouldn't have told you either.

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 23:16

Monica fell for it. Don't you. grin

As I read the OP, I actually had the voice of Joey in my head going, “I can’t believe you didn’t know it was a line”. Grin

Sadiesnakes · 15/12/2019 23:16

Not your business.

You have absolutely no idea what's truly going on in that marriage, only his version.