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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 15/12/2019 23:47

I have 2 female friends who've said they've no interest in sex post dc. One has a husband with a low sex drive. She says she doesn't find him attractive but it's like living with her best friend, they have a good life financially so she's accepted it, but I do wonder if she'll wander at some point, especially as dc get older. Other one, her dh went elsewhere and is now begging her to forgive him. He doesn't want anyone else but does want sex with his wife. That said, I only know what I've been told so give no opinions and just listen as there's always more to every story.

I think I'd feel sad if dh didn't want to have sex with me. I think we're well matched but that can change over time so who knows.

pinboard · 15/12/2019 23:51

I am worse off now too.
I left a sexless marriage 3 years ago, after 16 years of trying.
I reunited with a very old partner on and off for 2 years but it cant work (practicalities). But to be able to express love via sex was amazing.
Now I know what i've been missing but as a now single parent I have no chance to go and try to find it with someone else.

SandyY2K · 15/12/2019 23:58

Yes ..it's sad as it isn't a mutual decision. I wonder if he's expressed to her that he isn't happy about it.

Some spouses are very naive and when their spouse leaves or has an affair, they act completely blindsided.

I remember one betrayed wife, who said she knew their sex life was none existent, but was waiting a few years to try and get it back on track when their kids were older.... in the meanwhile he had an affair and told her he wanted a divorce.

Being blindsided in these kind of scenarios is rather foolish IMO.

A lot of relationships end when the kids leave home, because it's not as great a financial impact, no child support issues and there's less likelihood of one parent turning a more influential child against the other.

The OP also didn't say it was her business .she's just talking about what a close colleague said.

SandyY2K · 16/12/2019 00:07

Ppl saying if it was that bad he would have left...one could say the same thing about those who stay in abusive relationships.

Many people stay in unhappy relationships for a number of reasons. Kids and finances are just a couple of reasons.

CharlottesPleb · 16/12/2019 00:09

Ah yes - the predictable cynicism of mums net - we’ve been friends for more than half our lives- definitely not a line. Nor am I actually making his business mine ( he told me the situation). And I’m pondering whether this is more commonplace than one would imagine.

Like every married man, he already has one woman with whom to discuss the regularity of his ejaculations and how satisfied he is with it.

To whit, his wife.

I'm sure if he wants to do something about the mechanics of it without his wife having to be troubled he can engage professional help of some sort.

I suppose it will depend on you as people, and I probably sound like a stuffy old so-and-so, but lifelong friend or not you risk upset by getting onto this topic with another woman's husband in more than the vaguest sense.

MrsElbaTheSecond · 16/12/2019 00:15

@Rombocious I had an affair. It ended badly, recently. When I said I was worse off I meant that because I strayed and found an amazing sex life with someone else but am still in my sexless marriage I feel worse about the lack of any intimacy (in all its forms) and sex in my marriage. I’m not proud of myself of course. And interestingly, the man I had this relationship with gave me the whole line about not sleeping with his DW for years and years either. I thought we had this in common. Turned out I was the only one telling the truth about that.

Original poster
Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 00:19

Yes you do sound stuffy. Sometimes people are sad about stuff and just need to talk to a friend regardless of their gender, same friend listened to me many times over the years and was incredibly supportive when my husband and I divorced. I’ve been with my new partner for more than a decade. I reiterate that I don’t wish to involve myself in the situation I’m trying to understand if this has happened to others- as I couldn’t live without physical affection.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2019 00:19

My parents went longer than that.
I wouldn't say their relationship was particularly happy, but they were "old school" and stuck it out. Dad was heartbroken when Mum died.

People stay together for all sorts of reasons - depends on how important the physical side is to both partners - but I'd still be wary of why he's brought it up with you now, despite your assurances that it wasn't for a sympathy shag.

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 00:20

@MrsElba

That's all very sad. But why are you resigned to staying in this marriage? If there's no intimacy of any kind there must surely be some huge upsides.

freeingNora · 16/12/2019 00:21

Ask your friend the wife why don't you see what she says

The thing is you're already half way there making it better for him because your pondering it this is how it starts

DeathStare · 16/12/2019 00:23

But if it is true (big if) what a horrible violation of his wife's trust to tell other people about it. I'd think less of him for that to be honest.

For whatever reason he has decided to stay in his marriage. He must have decided that the pros outweighed the cons. Not many marriages are prefect and I suspect there are lots of people who stay married making some pretty big compromises having decided that the pros outweigh the cons. I'm not sure how this is any different.

ZestyDragon · 16/12/2019 00:23

I thinks its more common than you think. My husband used to say I was putting him under pressure to have sex so I stopped asking. Then he complained that I had no interest and our lack of a sex life was my fault.I couldn't win and my confidence was shattered.We seperated 18 months ago for a host of reasons - his refusal to have sex,have a child and his temper. I am dating a nice warm, affectionate man now and it has made me very happy.

I have a close male friend who hasn't had sex with his wife in over ten years. They don't share a bed and there is no physical contact.It has had a hugely negative affect on him but he adores her and has made the decision that if she wants to be celibate then thats how they will be. I couldn't live that life. I know a few other people in similar situations though not as long.

Gingerkittykat · 16/12/2019 00:24

It sounds like you want to be the one providing that bit of love and affection for this poor neglected man.

If so, make sure he leaves his wife first. It is very possible he is spinning you a line about how his marriage is going.

MrsElbaTheSecond · 16/12/2019 00:29

@Rombocious no huge upsides. Just a very disabled DC who needs intense 1:1 care which we have to manage between us. We have other DC too, both of the age where they have exams coming up next year and year after. I’m immensely sad but I can’t see a way out. I’m also a child of divorced parents and I never wanted that for my own kids. Like all these things, it’s complicated. But, having an affair was definitely not the answer. It’s damaged me and what was left of my marriage a great deal. Anyway, the OP was asking about people in marriages without any physical contact I think. That’s my experience. If I had my time again, I’d work hard to keep that physical connection going in any way I could. Now, it’s too late. I don’t look at DH in that way at all, can’t imagine touching him sexually at all. It’s been way too long.

Original poster
Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 00:34

Mrs Elba - I’m so sorry to hear your story and that there doesn’t seem to be a way out - sending you a virtual hug

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 16/12/2019 00:34

If he was that bothered, he could have at least considered ending the marriage at some point in the last twenty years. I agree that staying in a relationship with someone who expects monogamy but is unwilling to engage in sex is pretty dismal, but I am inclined to wonder what your friend has done to fix things. Has he, for instance, asked his wife if there is anything they could do to revive their sex life? Did he listen to what she said?

Original poster
Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 00:46

Well well Ginger kitty aren’t you the cat with the talons - you’re just plain ghastly. Glad I’m not in your head - sorry to disappoint - I’ve 100% no inappropriate interest in my dear old friend and love my partner dearly.

OP posts:
MrsElbaTheSecond · 16/12/2019 00:46

@Daffodildainty thanks for the hug. I’m glad your friend has confided in you. It’s a big deal admitting that your relationship is sexless. Perhaps even more so if you’re a man. I have close friends who are often moaning that their husbands want sex and they just can’t be bothered and what a chore it is. And I get that. But, at the same time, knowing that you’re desired and wanted is massive. It’s like a lot of things in life - you don’t appreciate it till it’s gone. And it’s not just me that feels like this. My DH must feel it too. It’s a loneliness like no other.

Creepster · 16/12/2019 00:47

Increased porn use by men has affected many marriages negatively.
I can't count how many women have said on advice sites their husband masturbates to porn nightly and rarely wants to have sexual intercourse with them.

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 00:49

@MrsElbaTheSecond

Sadder and sadder. If he's feeling the same way sexually as you do, an open marriage until the children have grown up more could be the best of a bad set of options.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 16/12/2019 00:50

OP, this is similar to a situation a male friend of mine is in. He loves his wife, will never leave her, but he says they are totally lacking in intimacy of any kind. He's not saying it because he's after me, but he just burst into tears one day after I'd given him a hug to say hi. He said he couldn't remember the last time someone had touched him.

It's not about the sex, it's about someone actually wanting to touch you.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2019 00:54

"But if it is true (big if) what a horrible violation of his wife's trust to tell other people about it. I'd think less of him for that to be honest."

Since when do people not tell their close friends about their relationship problems? Of course, it needs to be someone trustworthy, but you can't expect people to deal with their problems totally alone.

RuthB91 · 16/12/2019 00:55

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Rombocious · 16/12/2019 00:55

@creepster

That one way to interpret the data and I'm it's sometimes true. But the most credible study I've read on the topic concluded that more often then not pon instead of sex is a symptom of marriage problems rather than the cause.

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 00:57

@ruth

I won't use the R word but that doesn't sound good at all.

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