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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 08:29

How on earth is this your problem to get advice on?

She didn't ask for advice!

She wanted to know if it was common for couples to stay married after 20 sexless years and if it was okay for her to feel it was sad.

Hardly asking for advice or offering to take her pants off for him.

There are some nasty women on MN these days.

IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 08:37

To be honest, I do not think he is trying it with you or that he is lying. But in answer to your question, I think sexless marriages can be more commonplace that people are willing to talk about.

People talk a lot about leaving after the kids leave the family home, but at that time there is something else often going on: bloody peri/menopause, which often results in the woman totally loosing their libido even when their relationship is great in any other aspect.

He says he has had 20 years without sex but, he is as equally responsible for the lack of sex and how he feels about it if he has just stayed there for his own convenience (that staying for the children excuse is a red herring, people stay for fear of change/financial hardship rather than for the sake of the children).

You need to grow a spine to get the life you want, you cannot spend 20 years being quiet about a relationship you are unsatisfied with and then portray yourself as a victim, you either fix it or you leave.

AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2019 08:41

People are being far too judgemental here. It’s far too easy to make judgements on the person not having sex than it is to judge the relationship as a whole. If a woman posted here that her husband hadn’t had sex with her for twenty years would posters be telling her that it must be because she’s crap in bed?

Sex aside, it’s only fairly recently that people have felt the confidence to leave unhappy relationships. If we look at the older generations, how many of those marriages were truly happy? My grandparents were married for over 50 years but they certainly weren’t happy. Similarly eXH’s grandparents pretty much just co-existed for a large part of their marriage. Have an aunt who is in the same position. Married for 50 years and she and her H hate each other, but they’re all too old to just leave and start again - it’s never that simple.

My DP was in a sexless marriage for thirteen years. His ex didn’t believe in sex before marriage (religious reasons) and when they did get married nothing changed. There were numerous other reasons why the marriage broke down, but lack of physical affection was definitely a factor in the unhappiness of the relationship.

Insideimsprinting · 16/12/2019 08:46

My husband has the desire but physically struggles has got help but so far not worked. I on the other hand do not have the desire or need for the physical side any more. Doesn't change how we feel about each other we love each other just as much and don't want to loose each other
Yabu in presuming it's wrong it's only wrong if your not happy but stay or you start having an affair. You can be in a sexless relationship and be happy.

Monsterinmyshoe · 16/12/2019 08:47

He said he hasn't had sex with his WIFE for 20 years, did he mention anyone else?

Basecamp65 · 16/12/2019 08:51

Reading so many of these comments I think it is really sad that asexuality has rarely been mentioned as possible in many relationships. It is still not widely recognised and most people do not fully understand it.

I myself am a aromantic asexual and I think in many relationships asexuality may be a factor in reduced sexual activity. No sex in a relationship is absolutely fine if both partners are happy - I think it is much more common than a very active sex life after 20 years.

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2019 08:51

Bit of an odd thread. He was crying because he hadn't had sex and you're all sad for him, and it's not like you're thinking of shagging each other, and he stayed for what is likely now th adult kids, and been celibate all that time?

Okaaay...

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2019 08:53

"I can see both sides. I’ve had two male friends confide in me that they were hardly ever getting sex in their marriages. To be honest I wish they hadn’t. I do think that is something you share with a counselor or trusted male friend. "

£50 a session for a counsellor just to have a conversation?
Maybe he doesn't have a close male friend. Quite a few men have male friends who are drinking buddies or similar and actually have female friends to talk to about their personal problems.

I have a handful of people I can talk to about very personal things and some of them are the opposite sex. I'm not going to keep all my problems to myself because according to you, I shouldn't share them with someone of the opposite sex.

vassdal · 16/12/2019 09:02

So what did he say about what he wants to do about it`?
He hasn't had sex with his wife for 20 years but stayed for the children and is sad about it.
They have now left home... and now what? Did he say he is planning on leaving wife or is he going to stay with her and have no sex and be sad about it or is he planning on having an affair?
He must have said something about is intentions.

It could be entirely innocent, he's just unburdening his heart to you, but be a bit wary about it.

Astrabees · 16/12/2019 09:07

I was involved with a man who said this to me, well in fact he told me it was about 12 years, lovely chap, I would have trusted him with my life, he was my best friend for nearly 9 years. I then discovered he had being seeing another other woman for over 4 years and he had told her he had not had sex with his wife for 0ver 23 years. We had both been conned.

The main reason I'm so sceptical now is that 20 years is 7300 days, 7300 days to say " are you OK?" "where are we going with this" to get help, to talk about it, or to reach an accommodation. If your friend, OP, has done nothing to resolve this issue in 20 years, he either doesn't mind going without or he is simply not being truthful. If the children are grown up and the lack of sex is enough to make him cry ( and my chap cried a lot!) it is time to end the marriage. I should have realised it was a big lie when he told me that he had spoken to his wife once about it and she had said that discussion was off limits until he had addressed all his failings (now I'm sure there are many!)
13 months ago I would not have been so sceptical, but now i trust these scenarios less and less. 13 months ago I would have been quite outraged if anyone had suggested to me m friend and lover was being untruthful, he actually didn't exist, he was a just an unpleasant person in many respects, masquerading as an anguished soul.

SarahTancredi · 16/12/2019 09:10

Where did I say the op was up for it?

And as for emotional fall out people do the whole FWB all the time without problems. Not that that's relevant in this case but the op is already sad for him and knows he hasnt had sex in 20 so stage one and 2 complete

Yes it's sad.

But people talking about this long term trusting friendship and meaningful honest discussions... well ove spent best part of 20 years working in places like pubs etc where customers are predominantly men. And believe me when I say I know about the girl who gave them a rash or they got laid last night before i even know their name.

They tell anyone who will listen about their dicks half the time. Ranging from " it's so cold out there I dont know if I'll be able to find it to pee" to " I'm so horny are you free tonight "

Dont be sad for him hes probably told everyone. But do watch out for pictures of him and his wife at the world.xmas.do or on.holiday etc on.face book..

NCFORPRIVATESTUFF · 16/12/2019 09:19

I think you are wrong to conflate sex and physical affection. DH and I haven’t had sex for years but we are still physically affectionate, we kiss, hold hands, cuddle etc.

I still have a reasonably high sex drive so I masturbate regularly. As far as I know DHs sex drive (never that high) has dropped off a cliff and he just doesn’t feel the urge anymore. He is very reserved to the point of prudishness so it’s not something we talk about as he gets flustered and embarrassed and feels pressured when I have mentioned it.

I miss the emotional closeness that comes after good sex with a loving partner but I still have a partner who is loving in every other way and I’d rather have him and our long, loving shared history than a new lover. There is more to love than sex.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 09:20

The main reason I'm so sceptical now is that 20 years is 7300 days, 7300 days to say " are you OK?" "where are we going with this" to get help, to talk about it, or to reach an accommodation.

If things were as easy as just ‘talking to the other person’ then there would no man or woman ever ending up Which is blatantly not the case.

Many people accept the deal and do not want to rock the boat because they fear they will be loosing something they regard as too important. Maybe it’s seeing their dcs, maybe they are too scared to start afresh, maybe they have some religious reasons for not doing so (I know at least 3 couples who are deeply unhappy, can’t stand each either but will not divorce - different religion too). Maybe there are some financial issues or some awful memories f their own parents divorcing.
Regardless, there is something that stops them from moving on or even from starting a conversation about it out of fear that this will sign the end of the marriage.
And it won’t stop them from struggling with the lack of intimacy.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 09:24

@SarahTancredi I would hope that not all men are like the ones you describe. Nit all of them are wankers (and maybe these are the ones you don’t meet in a pub. Who knows??)

I have to say I’m really wondering how
1- most posters on here seems to think that men are twats only interested in their dick and getting the appropriate attention for it
2- whilst at the same time still wanting a relationship with said men. I wouldn’t let any guy like the one Sarah described near me!!

xJodiex · 16/12/2019 09:25

It's probably more common than people think. It happened to me. Together 13 years and went about 10 with no sex, very little intimacy. Ex used weight gain as excuse but never attempted to lose the weight. Kept saying 'it will come back'', it never did, was never going to, obviously. I wasn't even hugged for 6 years. Wished I'd ended relationship sooner.

SarahTancredi · 16/12/2019 09:27

can

Not just the pub! Trains , buses, school,.colleagues..

Gwenhwyfar · 16/12/2019 09:33

"And as for emotional fall out people do the whole FWB all the time without problems. "

Without problems, I don't know, but FWB I would imagine are friends in the general sense rather than close friends, surely?

QueSera · 16/12/2019 09:36

I agree with you OP, I think it is very sad to live in a sexless marriage. Of course if both people want it that way, great; but I think that is rarely the case, usually one person is the one who doesn't want sex and the other has to go along with it or leave.
Also I think it is far more common than we realise.

But about your friend - if he stayed for the kids, and they are now gone, why does he still stay?

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 09:37

Sarah So does it mean that all the women on here are living with men like those then?

Because I doubt that this is the case (or do I need to say I hope this is not the case?)

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 09:38

in this case but the op is already sad for him and knows he hasnt had sex in 20 so stage one and 2 complete

@SarahTancredi So on the one hand you say you didn't suggest the OP was 'up for it' then your next post say 'stage one and 2 complete'. I assume that means she / he are paving the way for FWB?

You can see can't you that you are contradicting yourself???

It's quite credible for a man or a woman to confide to a friend that they are in a sexless marriage without it being a very blatant chat up line.

I'm sure that working behind a bar you constantly meet men who want to shag you at the earliest opportunity.

But what you seem to fail to grasp is that there are some decent men out there who stay in sexless marriages because they do love their wives (and vice versa of course) and simply get used to no sex.

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 09:39

Not just the pub! Trains , buses, school, colleagues.

You are clearly irresistible. Gosh life must be hellish for you.

SarahTancredi · 16/12/2019 09:41

Who knows...

To most of us women,.our sex lives are private and something we discuss with a select few people we trust ( male or female).

But men, they all.have a story where they are a victim. It's never." My wife never touches me" or " my wife doesnt talk to me"

It's always sex. Always .

No i.dont think all.men.are like that. But more women live with them than you might think. I always feel sorry for the wives/ girlfriends. The things their partners say sometimes...

SarahTancredi · 16/12/2019 09:42

turkey

I'm.not. I'm.fat and ugly and I physically told the last one to fuck off to vision.express down the road. He still came back

Branleuse · 16/12/2019 09:47

Id be very sad to live in a sexless marriage too. I had one. It was my choice to stay though

Original poster

Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 09:47

Still don’t agree with the cynical posters. He mentioned it to me about 10 years ago that there was a problem but never brought it up again and I thought/ hoped things were better. If it’s a strategy to coax me into a relationship it’s a very patient one. Interestingly I’ve another male friend of 20 years plus standing who’s tried to initiate conversations about his marriage which he status in for the kids. While I’m fond of him I suspect there’s an agenda and I recall him being a player in his youth so I nipped those conversations on the bud to avoid an awkward situation. I hope I didn’t let him down by not listening. I’m not a femme fatale I’m a woman in her mid 50s who happens to have a mixture of make and female friends. I think I’m easy to talk to and both men and women do tend to confide in me. Sad that women on MN automatically seem to be suspicious of cross gender friendships.

OP posts:

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