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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
BalsamicVin · 15/12/2019 23:17

@whiskersonkittenss how dare you make that comment but not offer yourself up to help !!

Wink
MrsElbaTheSecond · 15/12/2019 23:17

I’ve lived in a sexless marriage for around 12 years. My DH and I went through a very difficult time when our youngest DC was born and that killed things and we’ve never found our way back. Sex was never a hugely important part of our marriage prior to that which is why our relationship was vulnerable to this happening. It absolutely destroys your self esteem and the loneliness from lack of intimacy and physical affection within a marriage is literally soul destroying. Ultimately I succumbed to someone who’d been chasing me for a couple of years. I’m not proud of this obviously. I discovered that actually I wasn’t sexually dead. I had assumed that I would never feel sexual attraction or desire again. How wrong I was. That relationship is now over. But I’m left with a libido with nowhere to go. I’m far worse off than I was before, living in ignorance of what true sexual compatibility is like.

BillHadersNewWife · 15/12/2019 23:19

People with higher libidos often assume that those with lower libidos should "make an effort" or something. It's not something anyone should ever feel they have to fake.

But if the partner who wants more sex isn't happy then they should leave.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2019 23:19

Well even if it is exactly as he claims, he's a free thinking adult (presumably) who chose to stay in a sexless marriage.

And still chooses to, even though the kids have grown up.

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 15/12/2019 23:23

Sex isn’t everything. If he’s stuck around that long he can’t be that bothered himself.

Angelw · 15/12/2019 23:23

Please OP keep out of it.... not your business to sort

GunpowderGelatine · 15/12/2019 23:24

TBH I could easily live without sex for the rest of my life. Never has anything ever been so overhyped. I pretty sure I'm awesome at it but never had a man who wasn't utterly selfish and rolled over when he was finished, leaving me orgasm-less and "too tired" to carry on. What's the point?

SheSaidHummingbird · 15/12/2019 23:24

Don't be that person.

ElfAndSafeKey · 15/12/2019 23:25

Not your business, but he volunteered the info so kind of made it yours, I suppose.
lack of sex does not = lack of other physical affection.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 15/12/2019 23:27

@GunpowderGelatine you've definitely been sleeping with the wrong men. I've been with DH for ten years but even before then I was no angel and met hardly any men like that.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/12/2019 23:29

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook maybe I've just been unlucky 🤷‍♀️ I much prefer a really good, long intense snog Grin

Painedpleasure · 15/12/2019 23:30

My Nan hasn't had sex for over 30 years. She looks 35 years younger also. Maybe it's linked!

notmuchtooffer · 15/12/2019 23:30

Very sad. I left my sexless marriage after years of feeling completely unwanted (I used to initiate maybe every six weeks to two months, but then even that stopped because it was soul destroying). It wasn’t the only reason I left but it was pretty fundamental. There was no affection either. Awful.

Havaina · 15/12/2019 23:31

Why is everyone being so nasty? So OP has a male friend and he has confided in her, big deal? It doesn't automatically mean he wants to shag her.

OP, it is sad for him as he's not happy with the situation. Did he say his wife's not affectionate either?

stupidtabloidheadlines · 15/12/2019 23:34

Bet he said 'his wife doesn't understand him'.

CharlottesPleb · 15/12/2019 23:35

Sounds like he's desperate for a shag and is telling you about it in a way that... I would advise you put a stop to this, you are playing with fire.

Original poster
Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 23:35

Ah yes - the predictable cynicism of mums net - we’ve been friends for more than half our lives- definitely not a line. Nor am I actually making his business mine ( he told me the situation). And I’m pondering whether this is more commonplace than one would imagine.

OP posts:
Poorboy136 · 15/12/2019 23:36

It’s sad really, although it can’t have been too big of a deal for him or he would have left. I agree sex isn’t the bee all and end all but I think it’s a big part of a relationship.

I left a sexless marriage (I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him as I seen him more like a friend than a partner) because I wanted the sex part of it too. I couldn’t live the rest of my life without ever having sex again. I decided to leave. I’ve been with my husband for about 6 years and the sex is a huge part for me.

Poorboy136 · 15/12/2019 23:37

new husband

Mrsmadevans · 15/12/2019 23:39

I think it quite possible he is lying and wants to have an affair with you OP. Proceed at your peril !

bridgetreilly · 15/12/2019 23:40

No sex does NOT mean no physical affection.

Rombocious · 15/12/2019 23:40

@MrsElbaTheSecond
How can you say you are worse off now???

You now have a chances to persue a genuinely fulfilling relationship.

MarthasGinYard · 15/12/2019 23:43

I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical '

I'd find something else to be 'so sad' about if he's that bothered I'm sure he's old enough and wise enough to sort it.

Rombocious · 15/12/2019 23:44

So many people saying he must be crap in bed.

I just can't imagine a wife's response to this would be to never have sex again. Is it really possible to be so bad that the idea of improving things is so unlikely as to not be worth the effort?

TempestHayes · 15/12/2019 23:46

One of the oldest lines in the book. It's so you have sympathy sex with him because he's 'a good guy with needs' and she's 'the bad mean lady'.

In reality, the relationship is usually fine, and the Relationships forum is filled with women who've found texts, or affairs have been exposed, in which they find they've been painted as the non-sexual one, when in fact their sex life is active.