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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 16/12/2019 09:48

My partner was sexually abused as a teenager by a family friend. as a result of that he struggles with sex and despite being together for over a year we haven't done it yet. I don't know if we ever will - I've left it as something that mgiht be nice one day, but we have the rest of our lives to spend together and love each other and if we never shag then it's not a big deal. I spent years having to have sex on demand whilst going through infertility, then years of not feeling in control of my body going through IVF. That experience has left me not bothered at all by the idea of never having sex again.

He also has attachment and intimacy issues - so we are working on those first and make sure we have plenty of cuddles and kisses and then give each other space. We aren't asexual, we still fancy each other, we just accept that sex is not going to be a big part of our relationship right now.

Human relationships can be extremely complicated, but if there's love and affection then it is entirely possible to live without actual sex. I'd rather spend my life with my partner, even with his issues, than have a shag with someone I don't love.

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2019 09:53

I wouldn’t feel sad for him, he doesn’t have to stay with her? He can leave when he wants but probably chooses not to because she probably does all his washing, cooks his dinner and cleans the house.

For me personally, I could not be in a sexless relationship, I love to feel close to someone and to feel sexually desired by them, without that it would not be a relationship.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 16/12/2019 09:56

Posters on MN aren't suspicious of cross-sex friendships. Most of us have friends of the opposite sex.
When you do have genuine friendships and care about your friends' relationships then you're hyper-aware of when their sharing could be misconstrued or be a breach of their partner's privacy. I find it odd that you don't realise that and that there isn't a single part of you that realised his wife would probably be unhappy with him sharing these details.

Ellisandra · 16/12/2019 10:04

Here’s a fact:
My XH bitched to his best mate that I hadn’t put out since our baby was born 3 years previously.

To all of my XH’s friends, he’s a lovely guy. They would definitely believe him and sympathise. (he actually is a lovely guy in many many ways)

Turns out best mate wasn’t particularly loyal because he told me he knew - at the same time as making a pass, clearly thinking I’d be gagging for it Hmm

Here’s another fact: I refused to have sex after our baby was born, because it coincided with me discovering his prostitute habit. Damn that maternity leave meaning that I wasn’t regularly away with work so he had to change his method and got caught out Hmm

It then took me 3 years to leave - you know, new baby, non sleeper, desperate hope that it really was a one off (hollow laugh).

So yeah - maybe your poor friend... and maybe, you don’t know the whole story.

Original poster
Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 10:11

Elisandra that’s terrible - so sad for you. I do wonder sometimes who the men are that use pri
Prostitutes / hard to imagine among the men I know but that’s probably naive

OP posts:
Pasithea · 16/12/2019 10:26

11 years here due to my disability. We make up for it in other ways. No sympathy shags needed.

vassdal · 16/12/2019 10:41

You'd be surprised at the sort of men who use prostitutes. I am in a country with legalized brothels. If a man here isn't having sex with his wife it's highly probable that he's a regular brothel-goer. One woman I know says she hasn't had sex with her 'D'H and she doesn't care that he goes to brothels so long as he leaves her alone.

My ex also went to the brothel even though we were having lots of sex. He said it was "part of his work" - socializing with colleagues etc. He's an ex now.....

I'm not saying the OP's friend has been using prostitutes but you can't assume that he isn't just because he seems like a nice guy.

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 10:46

He can leave when he wants but probably chooses not to because she probably does all his washing, cooks his dinner and cleans the house.

I cannot believe that in the 21stC women are still writing this crap and sexist nonsense about other women.

Of course his wife couldn't possibly be a FTSE 100 CEO, or a brain surgeon, or a top lawyer. She has to be a 'housewife'.

The women I know of (friends) who are in sexless marriages are brainy, hard working, strong women who actually have cleaners to do the chores.

@lovemusic33 Is this you - the little woman at home doing the chores?

Ellisandra · 16/12/2019 10:52

@Daffodildainty yep, naïve. But to be fair, so was I until it was my husband!

You would have been absolutely shocked if you knew him - he seems so nice. He is so nice in many ways. It turns out it’s been a long-standing habit with him, since well before we met and all through our relationship and marriage. His current wife dumped him for the same, but then got back together with him and went on to marry him. So breaking up his children’s home first time round didn’t stop him. So - not that this would be an excuse - it was nothing to do with mismatched libido, the baby, things going stale... the irony that when I met him I thought he was the less experienced, more inhibited, lower libido one Shock
How wrong was I? Grin

There are many reasons that people stop having sex. I’m not trashing your friend. I’m just saying that you never have both sides of the story.

thegreylady · 16/12/2019 10:56

It is about 18 years since dh and I have had sex. We have a deep and genuinely loving relationship and when we were first married sex was wonderful. He is 83 now and I am 75. When he was 65 he had a heart attack and was nervous of attempting intercourse but he wanted to make me happy. One day I found some Viagra in his bedside drawer . I was so touched but explained it wasn’t necessary. Love is so much more than penetrative intercourse.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 16/12/2019 11:12

To most of us women,.our sex lives are private and something we discuss with a select few people we trust ( male or female).

You are joking right?
One of the reasons I have few friends and don't see them often is because I wasn't interested in the full intimate details of their sex lives, despite only being casual friends from playgroups, they were all happy to tell each other all the dirty details.

As for OP, I would say he's fishing, but for the fact they have been close friends for so long, and clearly confide in each other about personal matters, so no different to a female friend.

GinDaddy · 16/12/2019 11:26

There are a few people on here who really need to address whatever hurt has been caused in their lives either by current or ex partners, and STOP projecting onto the OP's situation. End of.

Also to the posters who keep saying "I'd rather do anything else but have sex, I'm done with it"...that's fine, I respect that and hopefully your DP does too.

However there are plenty of people who consider sex to be important in a relationship. Those people are not to be belittled or carped at, just because they continue to desire sex.

I see nothing wrong with a person getting to the age of 50, 60 or whatever, and still desiring an interesting and frequent sex life.

It feels to me like a lot of the posts on here are weighted towards those who don't want sex, suggesting somehow that they are more deserving of understanding. They're not, both parties deserve equal understanding. It's just that in a world where so many MN'ers believe that expressing lament at loss of sex = sliproad to cheating, then the sympathy is always weighted towards the "no sex thank you" folk.

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 11:44

Something is working for him in this relationship or he'd have left. I don't think this is any of your business and I'd be uncomfortable knowing this.

Lweji · 16/12/2019 11:46

After reading so many threads about women going out with married men who didn't have sex with their wives, but then managed to produce a child, you do become cynical.
Realistically, when men start complaining about the state of their relationships to other women, they are after female sympathy. It's easy to slip into increased intimacy, even if the intention is not there initially. You may not consider it a possibility, but I'd bet he has.

Cactusmum · 16/12/2019 12:28

Im in a sexless/affectionless marriage, nothing for 4 years now. Husband always had low sex drive but medical issues causing nerve damage added in has meant we dont even try anymore. I'm at a point where im feeling incredibly sad at the thought that I may never experience affection or sex again, im only in my 40s. Hes a nice man but undiagnosed aspergers i suspect means he doesn't like touch either so no hugs or kisses. Married nearly 20 years and hes 11 yrs older than me.

SarahTancredi · 16/12/2019 12:46

@SarahTancrediSo on the one hand you say you didn't suggest the OP was 'up for it' then your next post say 'stage one and 2 complete'. I assume that means she / he are paving the way for FWB?

I'm not contradicting myself at all. When you are inside the situation you are completely unaware . Hence the rapid defence of " it's a very patient game" but they know exactly what they are doing and there have probably been others . No one breaks a diet with just one cookie . Never make the mistake thinking you are special . They do this.

Amd op it's not about being a female fatale. You dont gave to be. Thats probably the reason I was always so oblivious. Because there re so many prettier thinner and better people out there than me.

Unfortunately this is just a game some men play and it's not til you are on the outside that you even twig.

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 12:50

Something is working for him in this relationship or he'd have left. [ yes he probably loves his wife.] I don't think this is any of your business and I'd be uncomfortable knowing this.

But there is a difference surely between asking and being told? If he told the OP do you expect her to have put her hands over her ears and gone 'Lalalalala'.

These people are in their 50s. I really do doubt if he said this for a shag. The OP has already explained how she experienced that kind of opening gambit before and realised.

Men need to express their emotions just as much as women. The fact he chose a trusted female friend does not mean he was hinting they should get down to it.

Maybe he has no male friends he could confide in- they would possibly not believe him for a start.

It's such an immature response to suggest his only motive is an affair. When you get to my age and know there are all kinds of reasons why people stick in odd marriages- finances, fear of being alone, love and affection, shared decades together- you do get why some people stay when it seems odd.

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 13:12

@SarahTancredi But you are contradicting yourself!

You are also being patronising.

The OP is a woman in her 50s. Give her a break ! You assume she's a naive 20 yr old who can't sniff out a chap angling for a shag.

That might be your own life experience of men, but it's not the only one that exists.

You say one cookie doesn't break a diet- well, it does actually.
But they have not had a cookie.

He has confided in her and it's up to her to decide what's what. Not you.

Astrabees · 16/12/2019 13:32

I would have put myself in that category myself, I was a savvy 60 year old not a naive 20 year old but I was still taken in. and the fact that he is 50's doesn't mean anything, this chap had 3 of us on the go in his 70's

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 16/12/2019 13:43

I don't necessarily agree he is looking to the OP or anywhere else for sex. I think he is a self indulgent man looking for sympathy. The OP doesn't know why there is no sex in the marriage and is assuming that there is "fault" on the wife's side. She doesn't know, because her friend hasn't told her, what compromises or disappointments his wife may have had to accommodate within the marriage.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 13:46

Something is working for him in this relationship or he'd have left.

And in reality, many may people stay in a shit relationship because 'just leaving' is never as easy as that.
I havent left my shitty relationship (where we have no sex) beause I cant cope with stress and I know a divorce will bring so much stres that I wont be able physically to cope with it (stress is making my health condition 100x worse).
It could be that he wanted to stay for the dcs, is religious, think that at his age he has to settle for what he has (he made his bed and has to lie in it ...) etc etc....

so the 'he must be finding something in that relationhsip for him to stay' leaves me HmmConfused

rp30 · 16/12/2019 15:08

How comes people talk about leaving when marriage is a vow to remain together until death (adultery and major incidents excepted).

longwayoff · 16/12/2019 15:18

Dear dear dear OP, sad or not, none of our business. Are you really so naive?

lifeisgoodagain · 16/12/2019 15:24

I suspect it is more common than people admit! It's also up to them, perhaps it works for them. I would hate it, but to eaches own

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2019 16:01

TheTurkey no I’m single 🤣 I was married and in a sexless marriage but because I no longer found my husband attractive and no longer loved him, so I left. I now have more sex then I ever did when I was married. This guy has a choice, if he doesn’t like it he can leave rather than moaning about his sex life (or lack of it).