Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 16/12/2019 16:16

@rp30 Honestly, if you want to be purist about vows and religious beliefs, the bible doesn’t make exceptions for adultery or women battering, you can even offer your DDs for sodomy to save your own skin and still get to be a saint! Wink

Original poster
Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 18:58

Longwayoff - no not naive I was merely expressing sympathy and curiosity as to whether others are in the same boat- Ive empathy - for them both- and while they may not loved up bit they’ve raised a great family and support one another.

OP posts:
Scapegoatforlife · 16/12/2019 19:18

Everyone commenting that it's none of her business.... HE TOLD HER SHES ALLOWED TO WONDER AND ASK

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 16/12/2019 20:05

Everyone commenting that it's none of her business.... HE TOLD HER SHES ALLOWED TO WONDER AND ASK

While I agree that he told her and she didn't squeeze this info from him, I do think he's been disloyal to his wife for telling OP. I'd be upset if my husband had told anyone else about things in our marriage which are (what I think) supposed to be private.

Just adding, I do have a very healthy sex life Grin
I felt the same when I've had friends tell me details of how their husband can't get it up or they have Pre ejaculation issues or never want sex. Just seems very disloyal to their partner to discuss such personal info.

rp30 · 16/12/2019 20:14

@IdiotInDisguise I was not being a puritan but was being logical - people on MN get outraged by cheating spouses and husbands who walk out on them but many endorse terminating a marriage if it is no longer satisfying. Marriage involves a vow of commitment.

You are wrong with your biblical knowledge. Matthew 19 details Jesus saying that divorce, without sexual immorality, results in adultery.

I believe abuse is a reasonable reason for divorce and some biblical scholars have considered this.

Where in the bible does it talk about daughters and sodomy?

CakeandCustard28 · 16/12/2019 20:15

He’s telling you because he wants a sympathy shag. Don’t fall for it OP.

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 20:50

@rp30

Are you really saying people should stay in unhappy marriages because they have "vowed" to.

You only get one life. Why waste it being sad? It's because of God isn't it?

powershowerforanhour · 16/12/2019 20:53

rp30

I believe the PP was referring to Genesis Chapter 19. There's some nasty stuff in the good book alright.

TowerRavenSeven · 16/12/2019 21:01

He can’t be all that sad or he would have left 19 years ago. He wants You to feel sorry for him and offer him a shag.

damnthatanxiety · 16/12/2019 21:20

chockaholic72 both your parents died in their 50s? That's so sad

rp30 · 16/12/2019 21:36

@powershowerforanhour I read that and in it Lot protected his guests from the sodomites. He offered his daughters as presumably he felt that was more honourable than allowing his guests to be harmed. There was no sodomy and the guests, who were angels protected the family, including the daughters.

In the new territory there were no men, so his daughters got him drunk and slept with him.

The bible is not advocating any of this but it is an account of life and bad things happen including rape and incest.

elmosducks · 16/12/2019 21:46

3 of my close friends are in long term sexless marriages. I have never spoken to DHS about it, only my female friends.

It would be a deal breaker for me though, I couldn't live without it.

Warmfirechocolate · 16/12/2019 22:12

What a pointless relationship for him. He has a few options but, spilling to you (not a euphemism) really shouldn’t be one of them.

I think it sums it up for me.

If you want to keep him as a friend OP, I’d encourage him to talk to his wife or counselor but if it were me I’d say I was not the best person to talk to as it is a bit disloyal.

Aaarrgghhh · 16/12/2019 23:38

Dear dear dear OP, sad or not, none of our business. Are you really so naive?

This comment just makes you sound like a dick.

I don’t understand the comments telling op not to fall for it or don’t give in to the sympathy shag. Does this woman in her 50s not have her own brain? Can she not hold back from offering sex without a bunch of people on the internet telling her not too.. you do realise the op doesn’t want to have sex with her friend and so therefore she won’t, she isn’t going to be lured into having sex if she doesn’t actually want to lol. Some of you need to calm down a bit.

Rombocious · 17/12/2019 02:57

This thread has actually been one of the more interesting and education ones I've read here. Thanks OP and others who shared.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/12/2019 21:31

"Posters on MN aren't suspicious of cross-sex friendships."

Yes, they are. No way would OP have had this reaction if she'd said a female friend had shared her problem with her.

"I do think he's been disloyal to his wife for telling OP. I'd be upset if my husband had told anyone else about things in our marriage which are (what I think) supposed to be private."

I can see why you'd be upset, but you must also accept that many people do talk to their friends about their private lives, especially when they have problems. In this case, the OP's friend had probably already tried talking to his DW and not resolved the situation.

RubbishRubbishRubbish · 17/12/2019 22:35

I do believe that this thread has made it to the Daily Mail.

JolieOBrien · 18/12/2019 04:41

I love the pictures on the Daily Mail which accompanies the article ... the man looks so so sad pmsl

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years
ScreamingLadySutch · 18/12/2019 04:48

@GunpowderGelatine the solution is to have sex with yourself, find out everything that you like and then TELL your man what you want. Kiss me here. stroke that. Rub this etc.

They will love it.

And very few people have orgasm by penetration alone. C'mon girl, you know you want to!

differentnameforthis · 18/12/2019 07:08

I think that you know his side only, and while he may be telling the truth, he may not be.

If it is the truth - she cold have a good reason - disability, injury, health issues
He could be trying to get your sympathy and get you into bed. Perhaps he cheats on her, and she refuses to have sex with him?
Perhaps he is an arse who shares their personal information with his friends, and she withholds because it humiliates her?

The kids have left, so he could leave if he wanted but he chooses not to. So there's that.

My belief is that he is trying to elicit sympathy - and sex - from you.

differentnameforthis · 18/12/2019 07:09

*could, not cold

Lweji · 18/12/2019 08:41

the man looks so so sad

I think he looks like he's trying to bed the photographer. QED

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread