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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodildainty · 16/12/2019 00:58

My friend was also in tears talking about it sadeyedlady - I know AIBU is a tough gig but I’m really surprised by the negativity about me expressing sympathy regarding a friend’s pain

OP posts:
chockaholic72 · 16/12/2019 01:00

Rather shockingly, I found out my mum and dad were in this situation. My dad had actually confided in his female cousin, who was the person who had introduced them. My dad said something along the lines of "I've given her the two kids and now she doesn't want to come near me". Apparently he was devastated. At that point they were 36 and 34. My dad was a pretty strict catholic, and loved my mum to bits, so he would never have strayed or asked for a divorce. They both died in their 50s, still married. It makes me really sad that they couldn't sort this out - they were so affectionate with us kids, but not with each other.

I'm single and have been for several years. It's not so much missing the sex, as just the touch of another human being that I miss. I can't imagine being in a marriage like that.

MrsElbaTheSecond · 16/12/2019 01:00

It's not about the sex, it's about someone actually wanting to touch you.

^ absolutely this. I realised that I’d been relying on physical affection from my DC. As they’ve got older and wanted less cuddles etc Ive found it incredibly hard. Even now I’m often stroking their arms, putting my arms around them when actually they’d really rather I didn’t Blush

And yes Rombocious a close friend who knows DH, our situation and about the affair has suggested an open marriage to me many times. I’ve chickened out of raising it though. DH is very sad about it I know but I don’t think he would want to look outside our marriage. Something will have to give at some point though.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/12/2019 01:08

Oh FFS it's not wrong to talk to your friends about your couple-relationship if you are unhappy. One of the best things about MN is the space it offers for women to say: My partner does [awful things] and says it's just what relationships are like and I should accept it, and to have all us vipers go no, he's scum, here's how to get rid of him.
It isn't bad or wrong to be asexual or have a low libido, either. What is bad and wrong is to know that your partner is miserable in your sexless relationship and basically not care, or refuse to discuss it. It shouldn't be that big a deal to agree that you can be co-parents and a family but the high-libido partner can seek out other people to have sex with.

compulsiveliar2019 · 16/12/2019 01:18

I will probably never be in a sexual relationship. Any form of penetration is intensely painful for me and arousal causes me to cramp badly and bleed heavily. I have exhausted medical options now. One of my biggest fears is getting into a relationship and causing my partner to feel the same way as your friend does.

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 01:26

@compulsiveliar2019

I'm so sorry. You should know though that there are asexual people who have no interest in sex but still have romantic relationships. It's a small dating pool but I swear they exist.

VenusTiger · 16/12/2019 01:31

He confided in you that he hadn’t had sex with his wife in 20 years, and in your title you automatically presume he hasn’t had sex at all in that time @Daffodildainty

dontgobaconmyheart · 16/12/2019 01:32

You sure hes not after pity sex OP? Telling you how he misses sex and leaping in to support you when you were divorcing are a bit iffy tbh. The conversation is bizarre and inappropriate Confused. I wouldnt feel sad for someone who CHOSE to do something, no. Martyring is a self made phenomenon but I dofeel sad for his wife, whose husband is out telling other woman about their marital sex life- how unpleasant.

I'd not get involved OP, you don't know his motives (which sound off) or the full story, perhaps she doesn't want to have sex with him because of something he has done or does. You don't even know if it's true. I wonder what her perspective on it is or indeed if it's news to her entirely Hmm

Different strokes for different folks. Sex isn't a right it's a privilege. Many couples have it many don't, I'm sure lots are because they hear comments as above and know they'll be dumped if they don't provide this thing a person 'can't live without' or the 'healthy relationship' argument. There are different ways to have a healthy relationship. Yes I know couples who no longer have sex but are happy in companionship. Sex can be emotionally difficult or physically painful for many people. Nothing is black and white.

MashedChristmasPud · 16/12/2019 01:48

This thread reminds me of that movie where Julie Walters was playing Cynthia Payne and a customer said he hadn’t had sex with his wife for 25 (or so) years and she was amazed until he informed her he hadn’t had sex with his wife for 25 years but had with prostitutes.

JennyRenne · 16/12/2019 02:13

Firstly, in response to those that say it's none of your business, it really doesn't have to be your business for you to ponder over it and wonder about sexless relationships. Guess what, thinking is healthy and so is posting about your thoughts. And, thanks for sharing, I find it a really interesting subject.

Also, before I continue, I'd like to comment about those that seem to be so sure that your friend is merely after a sympathy shag. Clearly these women have never had a close male friend appreciate their platonic friendship to the point that they're comfortable to confide without any ulterior motive. That's really sad.

But moving on, it is interesting in terms of how we view relationships.
I mean if one partner doesn't want to have sex anymore, then absolutely that is their perogative and should be fully respected. Personally i think if they still love their partner then they shouldn't mind if they have sex with others, even if they're still in a marriage together for the kids' sake. The kids don't have to know about it, that could be kept private. But ultimately i think if you truly care about someone then you will want that person to be as happy as possible.
Just my thoughts.
It works both ways too. male or female, whichever way round.
I expect my attitude to be very different from a lot of others though.

Obvs it's not for everyone. I'd think it fair personally. But that's just me :)

Warmfirechocolate · 16/12/2019 02:58

Clearly these women have never had a close male friend appreciate their platonic friendship to the point that they're comfortable to confide without any ulterior motive. That's really sad.
Or just a little more wise...

I can see both sides. I’ve had two male friends confide in me that they were hardly ever getting sex in their marriages. To be honest I wish they hadn’t. I do think that is something you share with a counselor or trusted male friend. Because you know what I don’t think they were angling for sex, but it still was inappropriate to tell me, a woman, single, that let’s face it we were all within the ‘attraction range’.

Put it this way, could you imagine that man confiding in a much older women? Or a make friend?

It’s a cry for help, but they should be doing that within the marriage. I think if I were at the point of wanting to share how sad I was that me and my husband didn’t have sex, then that would be the time to leave the marriage. You are either okay with it, or not. It’s a very intimate thing and kind of a breach of trust.

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 03:02

Put it this way, could you imagine that man confiding in a much older women? Or a make friend?

Yes

Warmfirechocolate · 16/12/2019 03:03

I was asking the OP! It would take actually knowing the person to answer Grin

Rombocious · 16/12/2019 03:03

@Warmfirechocolate

And you seem to agree:

I do think that is something you share with a counselor or trusted male friend

altogirl · 16/12/2019 03:30

And you immediately believed him?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/12/2019 03:48

I wonder what his wife’s story is? Sex dies in a marriage for lots of reasons. If he’s saying he decided to stay “for the children” that doesn’t demonstrate much love or respect for his wife.

I don’t think this is something he should have shared with you, it’s her private life too.

TheUnquestionedAnswer · 16/12/2019 05:09

Clearly a man filled with integrity Confused. He should be talking to his wife, or a sex counsellor.

rhubarbcrumbles · 16/12/2019 05:10

None of your business.

welliesarefuntowear · 16/12/2019 05:41

This is how it starts. My DP did this with a woman he'd known for years and the inevitable happened and the pain that it caused was unbearable. I think your being a touch naive, as was I for many many months until the awful truth came out about this *friend". It's a script, if you want to be his friend encourage him to talk to his wife or go to counselling but I bet he's at the stage of rewriting his history with her to suit his own actions.

RantyAnty · 16/12/2019 06:02

Are you friends with his wife?

Branster · 16/12/2019 06:11

It’s got nothing to do with you whatsoever.
He might not have had sex for 20 years with his wife, which is not the same as not having it at all. He’s fishing!

FaFoutis · 16/12/2019 06:15

Very disloyal to his wife to talk to you about it.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/12/2019 06:25

Of course being rejected by your partner for 20 years is likely to affect your sense of self worth etc. It's easy to say "well leave" bit for most men that means putting potential future sex and seeing their kids 3 days in 14 ABOVE no sex but being with their kids full time.

Roomba · 16/12/2019 06:37

My ex used to tell people this - it was news to me! Funnily enough, it was usually attractive women he said this too. They'd feel so sorry for him being stuck in his 'loveless' relationship that they'd just have to console him... Hence he's now an ex!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/12/2019 06:42

if they’ve been married for over twenty years there must be more to their relationship than sex. For all you know there are deficiencies on his part that his wife has had to accommodate as well. Back off.

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