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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has not had sex for almost 20 years

198 replies

Daffodildainty · 15/12/2019 22:50

A close male friend recently confided in me that he and his wife have not had sex for almost 20 years - her choice not his. He’s very sad about it but decided to stay for their children. They have now left home and I’m so sad to think of him missing out on not just sex but physical affection. Aibu in thinking this is so wrong and to wonder if others are in non physical unions

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 16/12/2019 06:47

A couple I am related to don't have sex and seem happy enough. Not everyone needs sex all the time and it can be about companionship etc.

slashlover · 16/12/2019 07:01

If it's almost 20 years and the kids have left home then why is he still staying if it's making him this upset? He's a grown adult who can make decisions surely? Has he suggested counselling or had any conversations with her about it?

I know several couples who don't have sex but that's within the asexual community. (I'm aromantic asexual).

CalmConfident · 16/12/2019 07:05

@chockaholic72

Sad situation with your parents. One extra perspective, might those strict catholic views have included no options for contraception? Maybe your mum was incredibly worried about falling pregnant again?

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 16/12/2019 07:06

@Roomba - so many men do this!! I have no idea why! Just seems such an odd lie. (Not saying OP's friend is lying). There's just a Few men I've known who've fabricated this same story of non sex in marriage. I think they want sympathy, but my judgemental mind always thinks they must be rubbish in bed 😂 (only joking BTW before anyone jumps on me)!

FestiveFavourites · 16/12/2019 07:08

He's lining you up for a sympathy shag, OP, don't fall for it. You won't be the first, you won't be the last. He hasn't had sex with his wife for 20 years...but who else has he had sex with?

No matter how close you think you are as friends, he's angling to move your friendship into different territory. Don't be fooled into becoming the other woman.

fuzzymoon · 16/12/2019 07:10

May be he's started to vocalise it or share his upset about it so it becomes more real not hidden away in his head and ignored. That may be this is the start of him wanting more from a relationship.
This may be him beginning the process of leaving. He hasn't I assume spoken to anyone before about it. I'd say this is a pivotal moment in his future.

I think there are more people in sexless marriages than we realise.

Tinkobell · 16/12/2019 07:10

It is sad when one person clearly longs for physical affection and the others just not interested. He's got to make change if he wants to. Counselling that kind of thing otherwise he has to leave the marriage. It is his life problem to overcome and not yours in any way.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/12/2019 07:18

I'm fed up with relationships that are 'sex and nothing else'. Last two have been like this, no hugs, no cuddles or hand holding, no physical affection, just men wanting me to be ready for penetration whenever they desire it. It's a shame that 'sex' and 'intimacy' have become synonymous.

It's totally put me off sex altogether. But I live alone with my dog, so it's probably a good thing.

PollyPelargonium52 · 16/12/2019 07:18

It does not mean he is unhappy just because he isn't having sex.

Yes of course sex will dry up over the years for many couples.

Not unusual whatsoever. Most couples become 'brother and sister' relationships in the end.

sofato5miles · 16/12/2019 07:18

I left my marriage as it had been completely sexless for 8 years and barely any in the previous 5. I had the ick from a very early stage but we got on well enough to stay together

People were utterly shocked when I told them the truth but sexless marriages do exist. Hope my DH doesn't meet any of you cynics as he tries to start his new life

holte · 16/12/2019 07:32

I think its common. I'm 2 years sexless and no affection either. I've had friends in similar situations. One of our DC's has special needs and will need looking after all their life so I'm not going anywhere otherwise I would have left. I can live without the sex I think but the lack of affection has crushed me. No idea how i'll cope as the DC's grow older.

NameChangeNugget · 16/12/2019 07:33

What a pointless relationship for him. He has a few options but, spilling to you (not a euphemism) really shouldn’t be one of them

Lweji · 16/12/2019 07:35

He's lining you up for a sympathy shag, OP, don't fall for it.

In summary, this.

LastInTheQueue · 16/12/2019 07:37

As someone who left a 17yr relationship (married 13yrs) mainly because of the lack of sex, and all that it encompasses, I feel very sorry for your friend. It’s too easy to say he could just leave, or they could have counselling, or any other well intentioned advice. Unfortunately, it’s never that simple.
I hope your friend does leave - a life without sex and intimacy is a soul destroying one.
People might say “it’s just sex” but it eats away at every part of your life, not to mention destroying your sense of self worth and esteem.

Fairylea · 16/12/2019 07:43

I think this is so much more common than the media has anyone believe.

pumpandthump · 16/12/2019 07:44

DH and I haven't had sex much since the birth of DC1, 5years ago. It got slightly better after DC2 but not much and is now non-existent. I wouldn't be surprised if DH leaves at some point because of it, that's his prerogative. I could happily live without sex forever. Doesn't mean there no affection though.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 16/12/2019 07:56

Yes it’s sad if it makes one or both of them unhappy

Some people just go off sex but they can still be intimate and close and happy in a relationship

I would be a little wary of him confiding too much about missing sex - if it’s that important to him he will go and find it

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 07:57

It's pathetic the number of posters saying 'Not your business'.

The OP was TOLD about this- she didn't go digging for info.

Was she supposed to put her hands over her ears when he told her?

And it's also cynical saying he's hinting at sex with her.

It's pretty easy to get sex if you want it- Tinder and other online sites. No need to complicate matters by seeking out a friend.

I know a couple like this- a friend of mine.
He is unhappy but can't bear the upset of divorce in their mid 60s.
He had an affair a while ago , she found out, they 'made up' and chug along.

They are both too scared or lazy to change the status quo.

They'd rather hang onto the marriage and be good friends than throw it all in and start again at their age.

SarahTancredi · 16/12/2019 08:10

It's pretty easy to get sex if you want it- Tinder and other online sites. No need to complicate matters by seeking out a friend

Yeah but you have already done the "hard work" with a friend. Plus the wife is gonna be less suspicious of him going out with a friend she knows about than she would about him.suddebly being out alot and coming home smelling of booze from.hanging out in pubs.

Plus having apps on your phone or doing this stuff on shared computers is risky.

Besides he may actually be doing that too.

Maybe hes telling the truth . But 99 percent of the time this is how it starts. I've lost count of how many people I've worked with or gone out with as a mate who all have done this. First they arent having sex, then they start being all sad and upset, then you end up responding to messages either at times or with content you wouldnt usually because they make u feel sorry for them. Then the dick.pics start...

I've had plenty of male friends over the years and opposite sex friends is not an issue or a case for instant suspicion. And I've discussed many a subject with friends over the years.

But this is classic. Its exactly how it starts.

IfNot · 16/12/2019 08:16

It's easy to say "if he wants sex he can go and find it" but that's a big deal for a lot of people, cheating.
I get why the cynicism, it could be that he's lining her up and spinning a line, or he could just be confiding something to an old friend and wondering what he should do. I can imagine an old male friend of mine telling me this, in a totally innocent way.

notmuchtooffer · 16/12/2019 08:17

And it's also cynical saying he's hinting at sex with her.

^ this

I told friends about my sexless marriage in the many years before I got divorced. I didn’t want sex with anybody other than my ex husband. Sex and affection - I craved it. Am now single but this is so much better than lying in bed next to someone who couldn’t give a shit about you.

Branleuse · 16/12/2019 08:18

How on earth is this your problem to get advice on?
Are you going to give the poor soul a sympathy shag or what? Crown Grin

ThisTurkeysNot4Christmas · 16/12/2019 08:27

Yeah but you have already done the "hard work" with a friend. Plus the wife is gonna be less suspicious of him going out with a friend she knows about than she would about him.suddebly being out alot and coming home smelling of booze from.hanging out in pubs.

You are wrong, And missing the point. For a start you assume this woman (OP) is up for sex with a married man. She doesn't actually say that!

People who use Tinder and other sites that are there for married people just wanting sex, don't have to meet at a pub and drink. It can be a 'transaction' (not involving money) .

And the main point that you are missing is that this woman (OP) is a friend- why would he want the emotional fallout if he shagged her? Far better to keep her as a platonic friend and get sex with someone he doesn't know and doesn't want a relationship with.

I'd be far more suspicious if my DP started seeing a female friend often.

Ijustwanttoretire · 16/12/2019 08:27

Why do you assume no sex = no physical affection? I agree with other PPs - he's seeing if you're up for it.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 08:29

I think there ar many women on this thread who have been hurt by their DP cheating and therefore just cannot envisage that a man could do something else.
It also feeds the idea that men cannot cope with no sex at all. They will get it any way they can.

In RL, things are much more nuanced of course. Yes some men used the line of it haven’t had sex for years’ as a pick up line.
Some men don’t (my H is one of them - no sex for years, no intimacy at all. He still hasn’t cheated...)