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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2019 21:50

Ds doesn't have to justify himself to you. Don't come here.

Would be my suggestion.

Whyjustwhy23 · 15/12/2019 21:52

He’s 15 not 5 it’s his decision. I’d just send “he’s 15, it’s his choice, you can drop the presents off, I’ll tell him you are coming, if he’s not here that’s his choice

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/12/2019 21:53

I'm torn with this one but kind of agree with him I'm afraid. I don't think he should be left alone with him though. He obviously wants to try and patch things up with his son and I think he should be allowed the chance to do that as much as it might hurt you

GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2019 21:54

And it is reasonable. X sounds like a bully. Ds does not have to justify himself now or ever. I suggest not entering into a discussion or explanation. He doesn't sound reasonable. But most of all you just don't need to. At 15 and with the support of school and his counsellor the decision is made.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 15/12/2019 21:54

Oh I missed the part about the counsellor sorry! Ignore what I said then Grin

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 21:55

When you say your son can articulate the reasons why he doesn’t want to see his father, has he done so and this is being ignored?

AlternativePerspective · 15/12/2019 21:59

To an extent I agree with him, sorry. Your DS isn’t wrong to not want to see his dad, but your eXP is going to be inclined to think that you’re the one making decisions for him if you are the one articulating his views on his behalf.

At fifteen he is old enough to be honest with his dad, esp as he hasn’t actually seen him for some time.

Queenoftheashes · 15/12/2019 22:02

From what you said your ex should be able to figure out himself why his son doesn’t want to see him.
If he wants to patch things up he could write letters directly to DS and leave him to respond, while bearing in mind DS owes him nothing.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 22:03

Butchy He hasn't told his dad directly no, although his dad has been told both by me and the Head of Year at DSs school. XP believes that unless DS can tell him directly then the reasons can't be trusted as we could all be making it up.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 15/12/2019 22:03

I was 13 when I cut ties with my father. And I avoided any contact with him until he was on his deathbed.
If your son doesn't want to see or speak to him, he shouldn't be forced. His dad made his bed, let him lie in it

laudete · 15/12/2019 22:03

Tell him, "You are welcome to post your Xmas gifts by Royal Mail or courier." (It is court-ordered that he only has indirect contact. You are not required to facilitate in-person contact with yourself or DS.)

If you are concerned about potential abuse - verbal or physical - either stay at a relative's home for Xmas or feel free to stay indoors and lock your doors and windows. You can phone the police if he turns up to harass you and won't leave.

Share your concern with a trusted friend or neighbour or two, in case he does turn up to harass you on your doorstep - to ensure someone else is aware you are in a vulnerable situation. (I hope it is unnecessary but precautions are reasonable. Xmas is a busy time of the year.) Tell them in advance and text them when/if he turns up.

I would also share the factual news with DS so he isn't alarmed if dad turns up yelling on the doorstep, etc. Just, "Dad might drop his Xmas gifts off at the doorstep on the 24th. We won't open the door until he has left."

Finally, DS is 15; he is plenty old enough to have a valid opinion. The courts have backed this up with indirect contact only. The school and his counsellor agree. You are not being unreasonable - unless you fail to take safeguarding measures for yourself and DS. Stay safe! x

firawla · 15/12/2019 22:06

Xp is obviously only thinking of himself not your ds. Why would he ask to do this on Christmas Eve when he knows it’s something difficult for your boy and that he doesn’t really want to see him? He’s being controlling and pushy by just telling you that he intends to do this, right on time to sour your family Christmas. Not on

MyMajesty · 15/12/2019 22:07

“he’s 15, it’s his choice, you can drop the presents off, I’ll tell him you are coming, if he’s not here that’s his choice"

That seems like a good answer.

Ex wants a chance to argue with DS, but he doesn't deserve that.
If DS wants to avoid Ex, that's up to him.

geekone · 15/12/2019 22:07

If the court had ordered indirect contact only then surely your XDP isn’t allowed to see your DS at all until he is legally an adult? Then it would be up to your DS?

Haffdonga · 15/12/2019 22:10

Have you told ds about the proposed Christmas eve drop in? Maybe he should be given the choice and if he doesn't want to see his dad you can say Feel free to drop the presents off. DS is aware you will be coming and has stated again that he does not want to see you.

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 15/12/2019 22:11

The court order says indirect contact, so stick to that. Why put your ds in a position where he has to justify himself/make a decision, when the Court has already decided?

I'd just text back and say your DS won't be available, and to stick to the court order.

MyMajesty · 15/12/2019 22:12

I missed the indirect contact bit.
Surely that means Ex is harassing you and DS by trying to push for in-person contact.
You, and the school Head, are only telling him to stick to the court order.
Tell him not to come to your house.

PrettyPurse · 15/12/2019 22:17

What happens if he breaks the court order - which is what he will be doing.

Can you remind him of the Court Order and that you will not be party to breaking the law.

Do you have a camera doorbell or cameras that can capture if he approaches your property as evidence that he is breaking the law?

Fairymad · 15/12/2019 22:19

He has stated himself that he won't respect ds's wishes, the only answer I would give would be No, you have already said ds doesn't want the contact. He has already proved himself a emotional abuser.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 15/12/2019 22:19

Tell him if he comes to your house you’ll be calling the police and asking them to remove him and opening a harassment case. Tell him this is one and only warning, DS does not want to see him and you will engage no further with him on the matter.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/12/2019 22:19

That isn't indirect contact . I'd be telling him I'll phone the lice if he turns up if d's doesn't want to see him

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/12/2019 22:20

Lice! Police

DangerMouse17 · 15/12/2019 22:21

I would really worry about XP bullying DS in person to get what he wants. You aren't being u reasonable OP.

Just be up early and you and DS go out for the day! I find it really cheeky and bullying that hes not asking if he can come on 24th, but telling you he will "be at your house". The language he's used is everything!

DangerMouse17 · 15/12/2019 22:21

*unreasonable

IdiotInDisguise · 15/12/2019 22:26

You can’t call the police unfortunately, it is a civil matter.

Sometimes op the simplest solutions are the best options, spend the 24 away from home. It is not difficult, I know you shouldn’t feel like you need to hide but it is much cheaper than going to court.

Just send him a message saying your court order doesn’t cover direct contact so he is not allowed to visit.

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