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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 24/12/2019 13:18

After Christmas I would speak to NCDV/your lawyer and get a prohibited steps order in place. Then the police will have more powers.

BoswellSolver · 24/12/2019 13:22

This might be the price you have to pay for him to get the message. One day. Stay strong, don't respond in any way.
Any slight give on up your part is a win for him, and only sets his bar higher to get you to move.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 24/12/2019 13:24

I'm sorry you going through something similar.

I might well have to look at that. It's just so frustrating to be his victim all the time. It's like every time I make progress and get somewhere he pops back up to drag me back.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 24/12/2019 13:25

Totally get that sense of being dragged backwards again and again.

Stay strong today

Jokie · 24/12/2019 13:27

How long do you think he'll wait? Does he think you're out? Or just in the house?

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 24/12/2019 13:28

Theres no way I'm going anywhere near the door today. He can sit out there until the cows come home for all I care. Weve got cake and every Marvel movie. Our only issue is do we watch them in the order they were made or how they fit in each others timeline :)

DS2 will be back about 5ish anyway with his grandparents so I'll have additional company at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chaosdragon · 24/12/2019 13:31

He doesn't know I'm in for sure but he can probably guess. My cars outside and I did tell him we wouldn't be answering the door not that we'd be out.

I don't know how long he'll wait. His cars still there I can see that from the upstairs window but I can't see if hes in it. He might have gone for a walk.

OP posts:
Cotswolds10 · 24/12/2019 13:39

Oh my goodness, I felt my stomach turn over when I read that he’d arrived. I totally get that feeling of wondering how he’ll escalate if you don’t give him what he wants. But PP are so right, it’s what he’s relying on to get his own way. You sound like you’ve got this covered today anyway despite the anxiety. I know you have to fight this in your own way but I would be inclined to call the police and put in a complaint about feeling harassed/stalked if he’s still there in a while, just so that his behaviour is on record if he escalates. Thinking of you Flowers

Cotswolds10 · 24/12/2019 13:40

Sorry, just to clarify, I know you’ve already called the police. I meant putting in a second call so that there’s an official record of how long he’s been sat outside your house.

Panpastels · 24/12/2019 13:43

How stressful but you are doing so well. Wtf is wrong with men like this, it makes me so angry. I hope he gives up soon and you have a peaceful Christmas Thanks

Nquartz · 24/12/2019 13:53

What was the kerfuffle this morning?

I'm shocked at the brass neck of him Sad

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 24/12/2019 13:57

Hes gone thank god and I've had another text

"DS will see his father. With your co-operation or without. It is his right. See you soon"

It feels really threatening to me which is ridiculous because its nothing compared to some messages I've had

I am going to report it to the police anyway, and will speak to my solicitor in the new year.

I think I am going to block him. I have preferred for him to text because at least its a method I am slightly removed from, and I worry about what he will do if he can't text, but I can't go on like this.

Do I tell him I've blocked him, or just block him?

Or am I better telling him not to contact me else I will view it as harassment and then when I get loads of texts report to police? I will ask the police.

I'm shaking. I feel sick. He is not going to like this at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/12/2019 13:59

Get legal advice before you reply or not.

ThanksThanksThanksThanks

BoswellSolver · 24/12/2019 14:15

Just block him. Announcing it makes it feel like a 'swipe' at him, which is a reaction.

Be cold. Ice cold.

marchez · 24/12/2019 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 24/12/2019 14:17

I wondered if it was worth receiving the texts as evidence of harassment? I certainly don't think you should reply.

Presumably you have in writing from various professionals that DS doesn't wish to see him and copies can be sent to him?

Zofloramummy · 24/12/2019 14:23

Actually it isn’t his right at all. He has a responsibility to ds financially but the one with all the ‘rights’ is ds.

Ds has the right to a relationship with his father if he wants one and he doesn’t.

He’s also old enough to be able to decide without a face to face discussion with the man he saw abuse his mother which is domestic violence against him also.

I’m not surprised he turned up as it fits his psychological profile. He is likely to ramp up the threats so I would record them all. A restraining order maybe needed which prevents him from parking outside your house for hours. Definitely talk to the solicitor.

Try and park it now. You can’t do anything until after the holidays and you deserve to enjoy Xmas day with your boys Flowers

Cotswolds10 · 24/12/2019 14:29

I had a very similar experience to yours just a few weeks ago and was left feeling sick and shaken. I would log all of this with the police so that there is a record. Ask police advice for now and then see what the solicitor has to say as soon as you can get in touch with them after Christmas.

What a total fucking bastard he is. It’s the combination of total entitlement and so little regard to what effect they are having on the children they pretend to care about that makes abusers behaving like this so utterly vile. Please don’t doubt yourself. You are protecting your child and this piece of filth only cares about himself.

Try to enjoy the rest of Christmas and the Avengers movies! Easier said than done but you’ve won this and should be so incredibly proud of yourself.

crankysaurus · 24/12/2019 14:31

You can block him without telling him, in fact if all correspondence goes through a solicitor that might help. I would give the police a call about that text message, and see if legal advice is available straight after Christmas, you don't have to wait till the new year.

It sounds very stressful but well done, you held your own and made it through. You can do this, even if he tries to ramp it up.

Butterymuffin · 24/12/2019 14:36

He's a fucking idiot. It is DS's right to see his father IF HE WISHES, WHICH HE DOESN'T. So bollocks to that. His message means nothing. Don't reply. You can do this.

kristallen · 24/12/2019 15:30

Oh goodness just seen your updates. You did so well OP!!

Is it possible to turn off alerts for his calls and messages? So you receive them and can use them as evidence, but they're not lighting up your phone - and you can also choose when to look and see if he's sent anything, so you're more in control of what you see and when?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 24/12/2019 15:33

Oh I’m so sorry he turned up OP. Extremely well done of you to hold firm and stay safe! That must have been really stressful for you.

"DS will see his father. With your co-operation or without. It is his right. See you soon"

It feels really threatening to me which is ridiculous because its nothing compared to some messages I've had

It’s extremely threatening. Absolutely. You must see your solicitor straight after Xmas- as soon S they’re open and tell them everything. He absolutely will not be happy to lose this time and will step things up now. I would ask for some sort of restraining order to be put in place.

Keep yours and DSes phones charged and with you at all times in and out of the house. I hate to say it because it is unsettling but please expect him to turn up at any stage. He will try and catch you by surprise.

Hopefully he will leave you alone over Xmas. I hope you can have a lovely time with your family.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 24/12/2019 15:36

Oh and Do not respond to any of his messages. Personally I wouldn’t block him for two reasons 1) if he can’t get to you by text he may try to get to you in person. At least with his texts coming through to you he feels he’s getting some form of contact. 2) the more he sends the more evidence you have of his threatening harassment. Give him enough rope to hang himself.

However, if you’re happier blocking him then do that.

ohwheniknow · 24/12/2019 15:39

If it helps you trust your own perceptions a bit more, I found that message threatening too and I'm completely removed from your situation.

I wouldn't tell him you're blocking him, I would just do it. I don't think you sending any kind of message will help.

RandomMess · 24/12/2019 15:47

It is threatening you are not over reacting.

Thanks