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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:

Drogonssmile · 24/12/2019 15:55

Jesus OP well done for standing your ground. Your posts have given me goosebumps. Your DSs have got one strong role model to look up to. Well done that lady!

VMisaMarshmallow · 24/12/2019 15:57

What you’d xp is doing is stalking you. Sitting outside your house, calling repeatedly, turning up at activities is stalking you and your son. You need to address this with the police again. The laws to prevent this are woefully inadequate but they do get updated and it’s worth pushing to see another police officer or asking women’s aid or a solicitor their advice on getting police to charge him for something that would stop this.

In the nicest possible way most stalking, especially cases that last this long, are an exp and are a man against a woman wind up in assault or murder. You need to push this more with the police, and don’t engage with xp to let him brainwashing you out of seeing this for what it is. The riskiest time for any woman who is victim of dv (even ‘just’ the emotional kind) is after she’s left him, even if years later. If his control over you through using your ds is nearly up because your ds doesn’t want any contact and is nearly 16 then you are both at the most risk now. Add in the increased risk over Xmas due to drink etc and this is really really serious. You need to contact police again and explain the full extent of stalking. You should speak to women’s aid or similar first because they will help explain it better than I can, then you can reiterate their wording to the police.

If you can have people you trust stay with you and be very careful about going in and out your home, walking the dogs etc. I’d say it’s a good thing his mother has cancelled coming round, I would think your xp also relishes the info she feeds back to him about you both. I’d stay well away from her also.

Please please call the police again now before they get busy with drinks later. I don’t know if other posters can advise or if women’s aid can but I’d be looking to ask to talk to someone senior, maybe someone who has more experience with stalking cases and/or dv. Don’t just accept talking to whoever you have before, you need to push for you and ds safety.

BlackeyedSusan · 24/12/2019 16:00

Yep that's a threat.

Keep safe lovely.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 24/12/2019 16:07

Agree with @VMisaMarshmallow. he will escalate because he is losing control. I suspected from the start that his new interest in DS is because DS is almost 16 and he thinks he stands a better chance of forcing and establishing contact before then.

TwoOneBravo · 24/12/2019 16:27

You’ve done brilliantly OP.

He’s furious because you didn’t capitulate.

I would call the police again to update them. He’s threatening you.

Well done. I cannot tell you how much I admire you for not backing down.

MushroomTree · 24/12/2019 16:34

Oh well done @Chaosdragon I'm so so proud of you

But to echo other posters, this will escalate now he feels he's losing control. Get on to the police and make sure they understand the situation.

Ask for a referral to your local DV support organisation and for a referral to Target Hardening/Sanctuary who can fit window alarms, give you personal alarms and advise on keeping yourself and your children safe.

Also contact your solicitor about a non-molestation order and prohibited steps order.

Well done again. Keep safe and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Winterdaysarehere · 24/12/2019 16:38

Don't tell him you are blocking him. Let him wonder if /when you did.
Enjoy your Christmas and see a solicitor in the New Year.
At 15 no judge would tell ds what to do.

VMisaMarshmallow · 24/12/2019 16:47

I’d also say that the average door really isn’t terribly secure. We recently had ours replaced (just because it was necessary) and the guy we had do it was an ex police man who told horror stories about how unsafe most doors/locks are. He gave us a really decent deal on the safe one we have, it’s not like he was trying to sell us something more expensive by exaggerating, but it was terrifying to know how easily and quickly most people can break in if they want to. So look at any and all safety aspects of doors/windows and so on ASAP. I can’t recall how we found this guy but I’m guessing others here or even women’s aid would be able to advise on how to find the best people to fit safe doors/window locks. If you know and trust your neighbours it might be worth explaining what’s going on as well, that way they can keep an eye out/report anything suspicious they hear/see, log anything so you can pass it into the police.

I know it’s easy to hear this as dramatic, and I feel awful to say this at Xmas, but if he’s been manipulating you on and off all this time and you’re saying you can’t know if you can trust yourself if your being reasonable or not, then your perception of how much very real risk he poses right now probably isn’t realistic either, as in you probably don’t see the full extent of how dangerous this is right now because of how he’s talked you out of trusting your gut in the past. This isn’t some sometime dick head of a guy who will back off when you take a stand, this is a predator and women are killed by men like him every week in the UK. You can’t underestimate how serious this is for you and ds, and you must communicate all of this to the police.

I’m really sorry your going through this. It’s not your fault your xp targeted you and it’s not your fault you won’t have protected ds fully when he was little. None of us would have been able to when abused by a predator, that’s never your fault. But now you can do everything you can to protect him by seeing this for what it is. Don’t let police off the hook the same way you probably have been conditioned to let xp off the hook or down play his abuse. You need to speak up for yourself and if you need help with that please contact women’s aid or any similar group to advise on how to phrase this so police will listen.

MzHz · 24/12/2019 17:12

Block him if it makes you feel better, then you won’t worry every time a text pings

But definitely report this to police as a threat and get them to warn him off. He needs to be told that he can’t insist on contact of contact isn’t welcome

Lawyers in the new year, yes.

k1233 · 25/12/2019 00:14

I wouldn't block him. Let him keep messaging so you have evidence of ongoing harrassment.

I also wouldn't let your son see him. I believe he is a danger to your son.

justilou1 · 25/12/2019 00:43

Wait for police and legal advice before blocking. You may need texts as evidence.

VMisaMarshmallow · 25/12/2019 10:42

Hope you are ok op & you and ds are safe x

crankysaurus · 25/12/2019 10:50

Thinking about you too.

Glovesick · 25/12/2019 11:33

Wishing you the best possible Xmas day, OP. Well done for getting through yesterday. You are strong, you can do this. Be proud of yourself.

ptumbi · 26/12/2019 10:19

I don't like the sounds of that 'see you soon' - it's chilling!

Get legal advice, talk to WA and the Police. And personally, I 'd move far far away.

justilou1 · 28/12/2019 01:05

How have things been since Christmas, @Chaosdragon? I keep thinking of you and DS and wondering how DS is...

Weenurse · 28/12/2019 01:32

I hope you had a good Christmas with DS’s

Original poster

Chaosdragon · 29/12/2019 11:26

We've had a lovely Christmas and all has been quiet so far. DS2s grandparents leave today so itll just be us 3 for the rest of the holidays.

I am apprehensive because based on past patterns he'll bunker down for a bit and then come back out swinging. I think his options are getting more and more limited which means he will have to go off half cocked at some point.

My plan so far is a solicitors appointment when they open next week. Appointment with school to let them know what's happened. Spoke to my parents about picking DSs up from school on the day I work late rather than them walk up to the cafe to wait for me because I feel DS is vulnerable then.

I just need decide what to do about his mum and whether to reach out to her. My gut instinct is no but DS does love her. There is no particular rush as it would normally be a few months between visits.

I'm just cross with them both.

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 29/12/2019 11:50

I would leave the dm for now. When ds is a bit older and more confident he can reach out himself.

Weenurse · 29/12/2019 22:19

Good plan

PrettyPurse · 30/12/2019 09:04

I agree with leaving his DM for now. The fact you don't see her for months on end means you can "park" that issue and deal with your ex.

Also being in contact with her might stir up your ex again as she's bound to tell him.

Cotswolds10 · 02/01/2020 13:44

I’ve been following this @Chaosdragon but only just saw your last update. I get the dread in the pit of your stomach about what is to come next. But you sound like you’re handling it with calm and dignity, even though I’m sure you feel very different on the inside. Happy New Year to you and your boys.

MzHz · 02/01/2020 13:56

Just leave the dm for now, it’s opening a door that might not do you any favours.

Let the dust settle, let’s see how she behaves over the next few months

By then you will be stronger still, and better able to work out if there is any danger or ulterior motives

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