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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH - regarding dinner out with girlfriends

225 replies

ChristmasNightOutMeh · 15/12/2019 08:26

NC.
For background baby is 5 months old EBF. (Will sometimes take milk from a bottle or cup). Feeds to sleep at night. Can be hard work in the evenings when she's tired. This is the same if I'm here.

I went out a few weeks ago, wasn't even gone 2 hours before OH called asking when I was coming home because baby had been crying for an hour and nothing would settle her.. when I got home, she was asleep in his arms..

So meant to be going out for dinner with a couple of friends. This will be only the second time I've gone out in an evening and left him with baby.

This morning he's in a mood because "oh that'll be fun for him".

AIBU to leave him for a couple of hours knowing it might be hard work?

More so, I'm annoyed he is making me feel bad and guilty for leaving her, knowing she'll probably cry at some point.

Should I cancel?

OP posts:
TheKitchenWitch · 15/12/2019 13:09

I wouldn't go until I knew that the baby would take a bottle. Perhaps you could start practicing with a bottle at bedtime so that that becomes the routine? That's what we did with ds1 and it meant that I could then go out occasionally and DH could put him to sleep.
Ds2 however didn't accept a bottle at all so it did mean that I couldn't go out before he'd been put to bed.
I would hate to be left with a baby I couldn't provide for, so I do have sympathy for your OH, OP.

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/12/2019 13:13

So does she properly take a bottle? If she doesn't, or won't, then I would be insisting dH gives her a bottle at bedtime every single night until she gets the hang of it.

Sparrowlegs248 · 15/12/2019 13:13

Meant to add, I don't think it's fair on the baby to leave her at this stage.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/12/2019 13:14

She'll be fine, he'll be fine. If she cries it won't damage her and it won't damage him. Go out and enjoy yourself.

TheCatInAHat · 15/12/2019 13:14

It’s a shame but I don’t think it’d be wise to go unless your baby will settle without being fed by you. The stress caused to your baby (and DH), and the guilt you’ll feel just isn’t worth it.

crispysausagerolls · 15/12/2019 13:22

@BrendasUmbrella

No, the baby won’t be fine, she will be upset and hungry. Until she gets so upset and hungry she cries herself to sleep hysterically, whilst her father has to helplessly attempt to comfort her.

They will both SURVIVE, yes, but it’s quite a heartless thing to do, I think.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/12/2019 13:26

They will both SURVIVE, yes, but it’s quite a heartless thing to do, I think.

Yes, for a couple of hours they will both survive. Maybe they'll be clinging onto life by their fingernails, but I think they'll make it...

Havaina · 15/12/2019 13:29

Even if he hardly goes out doesn't mean OP hardly should either.

crispysausagerolls · 15/12/2019 13:29

@Brendasumbrella

Good for you that you have such levity about the idea of a small baby screaming for its mother for a few hours! 👏🏻

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2019 13:30

Tell him 'practice makes perfect' so perhaps you'll need to go out even more often until he gets his 'technique' down. And remind him that last time you went out baby was asleep in his arms when you got home and no harm was done to either of them.

DS2 would never take a bottle from me, but he would from DH. This may sound silly, but DH would put the bottle under his arm with the teat facing out and hold DS in an approximation of the BF position (face towards chest), rather than holding him 'face up' with the bottle 'straight down' (hope that makes sense). It may also help to have a shirt with your scent next to baby's face. Desperate times call for desperate measures lol.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 15/12/2019 13:38

OP, I think you need to tell him that you know it might be hard. But with his work pattern I guess you're at home with the baby a lot, and you need a break too. Talk to him. Give him some tips if needed but ask him to step up and let you have a little fun. Babies are hard work sometimes, but that doesn't mean you can't each have a break. Being in a mood about you going out is a bit childish, and not going out because he thinks he can't cope is the start of a slippery slope.

mcmooberry · 15/12/2019 13:39

Haven't RTFT but sounds like a potentially highly stressful evening for him, it is horrendous trying to comfort a breast-fed baby when all he/she wants is to feed from the breast.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 15/12/2019 13:42

Feed before you go, dh will manage to keep her entertained and pacified for the rest of the evening, leave plenty of expressed for him to use, don't be drunk as a lord or late and get back when you say you'll be, feed baby to sleep and get about your usual bedtime routine

you're not going away for a fortnight, just make sure he knows not to phone you unless the house is burning down or dd starts reciting Shakespeare

if you do exclusively BF then you are going to struggle to get out for whole days, but an evening is easily manageable with some small caveats.
and get him to perfect his baby wrangling...he does seem to be leaving lots of the heavy lifting to you.

Lalapurple · 15/12/2019 13:45

Personally I would cancel or go out for dinner somewhere close or make it lunch.
It's not just about the breastmilk - when my baby was that age the times I tried to leave him he would get upset - but it wasnt because he was hungry (was upset in too short a time period...).
I have accepted that part of being a mother is staying in with him in the evenings for these first months. Although it is important to get a break - works better during the day time. I can understand your DH being stressed and it is frustrating - but given evenings are fussy times I would avoid them and get baby used to being left earlier.

I'm not saying what you should do - just what I have done/would do.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/12/2019 14:03

My DH had some success feeding my EBF babies with a bottle if he wrapped the baby in an item of clothing I'd been wearing recently.

PlinkPlink · 15/12/2019 14:21

@LadyMonicaBaddingham oooh that's a very good idea. I'll be nabbing that one for in a few months!

It is hard to leave an EBF baby but if they can take a bottle of expressed milk, it shouldn't be too bad.

If theyve had their milk (and aren't going through a growth spurt or cluster feeding) then it shouldn't be too bad to be left alone.

Rosebel · 15/12/2019 14:27

Your baby is 5 months and doesn't take a bottle reliably. I'm not surprised your partner is worried about you going out. I would cancel and work on getting her to take a bottle (although if you're starting weaning soon it will be easier for you to go out). Once she does take a bottle then I would make plans to go out.
It's not forever and your baby needs you.

Original poster
ChristmasNightOutMeh · 16/12/2019 09:55

@LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow I'm only planning on going for dinner. Not planning on drinking at all. Probably won't be much longer than 2 hours

OP posts:
richteasandcheese · 16/12/2019 10:38

Stick baby in sling straight after you've fed before leaving, walk till asleep, hey presto - 2 hours, no problem. He's being pathetic

peaceanddove · 16/12/2019 10:43

What a selfish man. I easily left DD with DH, and he was fine about it because, you know, he was her Daddy and he loved her and taking care of your child is part of the job description.

dontcallmeduck · 16/12/2019 10:48

I feel like I’m in a parallel universe on here today.

How does baby normally settle? If only on the breast then I wouldn’t go out.

I understand it’s hard. One of my children would take a bottle at this age so I could go out. The other wouldn’t at all and would only settle for me. It wasn’t a case of DH being selfish and controlling, my baby needed ME not his dad. I would go out for lunch instead at this age as I could feed him and be back for the next feed.

raspberryk · 16/12/2019 10:52

My friend syringe fed my bottle refusing ebf baby 6oz once so if he wanted to actively parent he would have done so. He is opting out. She also walked with my second baby in a sling for the whole time I was out once because that's what it took.
She wasn't even the baby's parent. Your dh is comin across as pathetic.

PlentyOfBiscuitsWithTea · 16/12/2019 17:35

If you really want to go out (and there’s no right or wrong answer there - everyone’s different and it has no bearing on your aptitude as mother!) then you can try and make it easier for yourself by practising with the bottle every day so that it’s easier for both of you when you do go out!
I had kids before a lot of my other friends and thus a load of engagements when they were small. My first hated bottles so I made sure I taught him to get used to them. Wasn’t easy! But made the times I was away much easier.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

CanIHaveADrink · 16/12/2019 17:55

DO NOT CANCEL.

Yes its hard work but as you said, it is also hard work for you and you are dealing with it all on your own at lest 4 evenings a week.
I wouod remind him of that. (and the fact said baby did fall asleep in his arms last time so he has proven that he CAN do it!)

ButtonandPickle19 · 16/12/2019 17:56

I’m of the opinion that EBF is difficult for nights out. DH might struggle and DC might cry. But at the end of the day it’s one evening. Feed DD just before you leave, make sure there’s a bottle available in case and make sure you’re not out really late, but not so little you don’t have fun. Babies are hard work for both parents. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to ruin your night and I’m sure you don’t want him to have a miserable evening either.

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