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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH - regarding dinner out with girlfriends

225 replies

ChristmasNightOutMeh · 15/12/2019 08:26

NC.
For background baby is 5 months old EBF. (Will sometimes take milk from a bottle or cup). Feeds to sleep at night. Can be hard work in the evenings when she's tired. This is the same if I'm here.

I went out a few weeks ago, wasn't even gone 2 hours before OH called asking when I was coming home because baby had been crying for an hour and nothing would settle her.. when I got home, she was asleep in his arms..

So meant to be going out for dinner with a couple of friends. This will be only the second time I've gone out in an evening and left him with baby.

This morning he's in a mood because "oh that'll be fun for him".

AIBU to leave him for a couple of hours knowing it might be hard work?

More so, I'm annoyed he is making me feel bad and guilty for leaving her, knowing she'll probably cry at some point.

Should I cancel?

OP posts:
Rosebud21 · 15/12/2019 11:57

Do not cancel, go, turn your phone off while enjoying enjoy your friends & meal. Your husband needs to father up!

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/12/2019 11:57

One of the best things my mother said to me was let my baby go to sleep of its own accord and not feed it to sleep . She was right .

CallmeAngelina · 15/12/2019 12:01

So, if he works away a lot, that presumably means you have the baby on your own for extended periods of time? How come that's OK, but it's not when he has to do it. For just 2 hours.
Ridiculous. He needs to man up and learn how to parent his own child. Just as you did.

Countryescape · 15/12/2019 12:03

Screw that for a joke! What he’s doing is controlling. He clearly needs more practice at being a parent. Leave and switch phone off. Next option is to leave permanently!!

Lipz · 15/12/2019 12:04

I thought mother's who BF say it's much easier and handier and gives you more free time as no prep of bottles etc, it doesn't sound the case here, and in alot of posts on here. surely there is something all BF mother's do as you can't be expected to not do other things. I hear mothers pumping can you do this ? Is he nervous because the baby is hungry or is he nervous just looking after her ? I think you need to come up with a plan that works for you both otherwise you may find yourself not having any free time at all.

Andysbestadventure · 15/12/2019 12:05

@Selfsettling3

"Where are you going? Can you take the baby with you?"

Is that a joke? 😂🙈

AgeOld · 15/12/2019 12:09

Thats nice stuffedpenguin but I assume she's going out for longer than a feed and so regardless the baby will need food. If she's not there to feed and the baby doesn't take a bottle or cup then what is he supposed to do?
I'm in no way saying make yourself a martyr but you need to get the baby onto a bottle reliably or be prepared to go out early then come home to feed before bed or go after bed.
It doesn't say in the post what time dinner is so it's hard to say what could be the solution, I just think he's being given a rough ride from posters.

Quartz2208 · 15/12/2019 12:24

If he works away a lot it sounds like the OP does what she can to get through but that probably means that it is very difficult for anyone to take her place

Talk to him OP come up with some solutions that might work

Throwawayteachere · 15/12/2019 12:27

I honestly get how hard it is as my baby was EBF and didn't take express milk and it was a horrible tiring year before he started solids (I would just cry as felt I was constantly feeding). However I don't think it's fair to blame your DH for being upset when he can't actually feed his baby (you say the baby won't take express milk and usually eats to sleep in the evenings).

Could you arrange a lunch time meal if your baby feeds to sleep in the evening? I know it sounds ridiculous and unfair your husband can go out whenever but unfortunately if you do breastfeed it's one of the crappy parts! You have the food attached to you and it does limit what you can do if you can't find a way to get your baby to drink express milk.

timeisnotaline · 15/12/2019 12:31

If he works away, then he does have opportunities to go out and a lot of time to himself. I can understand being apprehensive, but I think the tone of the responses is because his comment ‘oh that’ll be fun for me’ which would have driven me from 0-1000 on the rage dial in the ops position. Well, all those evenings and long nights and long days alone with the baby are always a magical unicorn picnic for me, so I hope a couple of hours will be fun for you. You do realise she’s your baby? New plan, every time you’re home you do a solo 2 hour shift as our deciding to have a baby shouldn’t be a life sentence.
For the record I have had bottle refusing ebf babies. At 5 months you can go out for a few hours, they are fine.

Dubbadubbadumdum · 15/12/2019 12:35

Two nights out in 5 months is nothing, he should be happy for you to get a break. He's quick to take the baby in the morning when shes happy and playful, he should be just as happy to take her in the evening, and not moan about it.

ohwheniknow · 15/12/2019 12:35

Do you defend yourself as passionately as you defend him?

HouseworkAvoider10 · 15/12/2019 12:38

More fool you for defending him.

rebecca102 · 15/12/2019 12:41

Does he go out and leave you with the baby??

CosmoK · 15/12/2019 12:44

So he works away leaving you to do the vast majority of childcare and still makes you feel guilty for wanting a night off......sorry but the harsh replies are justified.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/12/2019 12:45

Yes I've had an ebf often bottle refushing baby, no exp wouldn't have rang me to come home on s night out

I've looked after dgd and dgs who were both ebf. Dgd was a bit if a bottle refuser. How long are we talking about?

PlinkPlink · 15/12/2019 12:48

Nope. Don't cancel.

The only way you learn to settle them is because you have to. Time for him to do the same.

Leave him with some tips if need be but he'll find his own rhythm with her.

Panpastels · 15/12/2019 12:49

He needs to have more practise !
Yabu for moaning about him then getting defensive when posters agree with you he is out of order Grin

Merryoldgoat · 15/12/2019 12:49

I think this is a bit tricky and not as straightforward as it seems.

The reality is at 5 months your baby is solely milk fed and breastfed at that. If you are EBF how do you expect your husband to feed the baby in your absence? Will you really only be gone a couple of hours?

My babies were bottle fed, but every woman I know whose child was EBF and didn’t take a bottle didn’t leave their babies until they would.

firstimemamma · 15/12/2019 12:52

What @Molly2016 said!

"This is your choice, you know your baby.
Would I have left my ebf baby at 5 months to go out with friends? No. That was my choice."

I had an EBF baby and didn't do evenings out / any time away until he was a bit older. It was my decision. The only thing that really comforted my young baby in the evenings was breastfeeding.

The decision is yours.

crispysausagerolls · 15/12/2019 12:56

I wouldn’t go. I know it’s against what everyone else is saying but I couldn’t and didn’t leave my EBF baby when they wouldn’t 100% take a bottle! I know people say if they are hungry they will eventually do it but it’s horrible to imagine baby screaming for an hour because they want milk. I would wait until he’s a bit older.

RedskyToNight · 15/12/2019 12:59

I think posters are being very harsh on the DH. He's not saying that OP can't go out, he's just pointing out that if baby won't take a bottle (which it sounds like is a strong possibility) then he is going to struggle to settle them. My DD was the same - I would never plan to go out if I knew she was likely to want feeding - she would scream the house down. DH could try every trick in the book to settle her, but she wanted BF which he simply couldn't do. I normally planned to go out after she was fed and in bed - is this a possibility for you OP?

If this was switched round and DH was wanting to (say) take the baby to his parents for the evening and was confident about settling them without BF, whereas OP was dubious as baby didn't reliably take a bottle, absolutely every poster would be telling her it was completely UR for him to take an EBF baby away from their mother knowing that they might not take a bottle and might get hungry. There certainly wouldn't be a chorus of "oh he'll just have to cope" like there is on here.

SaskiaRembrandt · 15/12/2019 12:59

DS1 was EBF and didn't take to bottles. I wouldn't have left him for any length of time because it wouldn't have been fair on him or the person looking after him. I fully agree a father should be capable of caring for his own baby, but in these circumstances he literally can not provide what the baby requires.

(DS2 was also BF, but from day 1 he was also given a bottle because I could not go through that again. It was incredibly difficult and depressing.)

RedCorvette · 15/12/2019 13:02

I’m all for equal free time but...

Totally hinges on whether he is realistically able to settle her with bottle/cup or if she really only will be settled by you (as is the case with some EBF babies that young). Only you know that.

If it’s the former, off you go on your night out.

If it’s the latter, if being able to go out in the evening is important to you, you both need to look at practical solutions to making it less difficult for your baby and therefore your husband, ie more practice with bottle, formula, whatever suits you.

Not sure it’s what you’re suggesting, but I don’t think it’s reasonable at all to go out and leave a baby that age upset for long periods of time.

The good news is that in another couple of months, hopefully your baby will be on a good amount of solids, less dependent on the breast and you’ll have more freedom.

I remember helping to look after my EBF nephew years ago on a couple of (rare) occasions his mum was out in the evening. By Christ it was hard work. He was like your baby - ‘would sometimes take a bottle’ but really didn’t like it. Screamed himself to sleep/mum had to come home. And believe me, his dad and I did everything we could and we’re in no way useless.

VenusTiger · 15/12/2019 13:04

Babies do not cry for no reason as a pp has suggested (this statement really annoys me) it’s always for a reason, usually if you’ve “done everything” it’s over tiredness or wind (which bloody hurts).
Your partner is the baby’s father, he has no right to make you feel guilty OP, he just needs to grow up and get on with it.

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