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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH - regarding dinner out with girlfriends

225 replies

ChristmasNightOutMeh · 15/12/2019 08:26

NC.
For background baby is 5 months old EBF. (Will sometimes take milk from a bottle or cup). Feeds to sleep at night. Can be hard work in the evenings when she's tired. This is the same if I'm here.

I went out a few weeks ago, wasn't even gone 2 hours before OH called asking when I was coming home because baby had been crying for an hour and nothing would settle her.. when I got home, she was asleep in his arms..

So meant to be going out for dinner with a couple of friends. This will be only the second time I've gone out in an evening and left him with baby.

This morning he's in a mood because "oh that'll be fun for him".

AIBU to leave him for a couple of hours knowing it might be hard work?

More so, I'm annoyed he is making me feel bad and guilty for leaving her, knowing she'll probably cry at some point.

Should I cancel?

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 15/12/2019 10:42

Do not cancel you at setting the tone for a very long time that you have to stay home and settle the kids while he goes out or does as he wants. Tell him to enjoy his one to one time with his child and ignore his calls. He needs to learn to care for his own child as anything could happen and one day he may have no alternative.

Idratherbeonquora · 15/12/2019 10:45

he doesn't have a lot of opportunity to go out much

Neither do you! I know he is worried about the evening but honestly I would go out. Is this your first baby? If so then its even more important.

I used to be 100% carer for my first 2 kids. One breast fed, one bottle fed. It was hard for me and i ended up really quite sad. I lost ALL of my friends because i couldnt leave the baby.

Then when i had ds3, also breastfed, i had to leave him with dh a couple of times a week for a few hours when he was only a few months old. He didnt settle and wanted my breasts (he was an all day every day feeder, i used to take him with me to the toilet still feeding!)
But after a few weeks of getting used to daddy he was fine! They bonded better than the other children and my dp is now really regretful he let me take the lead with the other 2. He really really really wishes he had spent more time with them as babies and toddlers.
It was a punishment at first but now he is so grateful we were forced into it.
I dont have to leave him alone now but he still will go for cuddles with daddy instead of me sometimes. It has been wonderful!

Fweakout · 15/12/2019 10:47

Has the baby reliably taken a bottle from him in the evening, say two or three evenings before?

Has the baby ever fed to sleep at, like, 8pm and not woken until midnight?

Has the baby ever settled during a night waking without BF?

If the answer to all this is no, you AND your DH haven't prepped properly for the BF person to have a night out. Or, you've tried and the baby isn't ready.

He should be positive and supportive and optimistic, of course, so YANBU there.

But if you think, knowing your baby, the baby won't settle, you're stitching him up & you should probably stay home for a couple more months. Sorry. It's not forever.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/12/2019 10:47

I don’t think he’s BU, personally I’d cancel however I’d be making plans for her to take a bottle occasionally if your wanting an evening social life.

No matter what the circumstances are having a little cry because they are needing comfort/feeding is distressing for all concerned.

Instagrump · 15/12/2019 10:48

Definitely do not cancel. He's not a neighbour you've CFered a favour from! He's the baby's father and needs to learn how to settle his own daughter. Although I never went out my DH did just as much parenting as I did and was perfectly able to soothe our breastfed children. He was amazing with our children because he was their dad. Just as responsible for them as I.

EL8888 · 15/12/2019 10:53

You need to nip this in the bud and he needs to step up. As others have said he needs to do the evening routine more. You need some you time and lm sure going out for the evening would be good for you

Disturbed by stories of people not leaving the house for 5 years

Jeezoh · 15/12/2019 10:56

Can you work on the baby taking a feed for him more regularly before your night out? I can see why he’s apprehensive - what normally happens if the baby won’t take the feed? If you’re the back up feed on those occasions, I’m not surprised he’s worried.

bengalcat · 15/12/2019 10:58

I’d be firm about time I’m leaving and time of return and then tell him my phone will be off / on silent . If he can’t cope then get a babysitter and hand him the bill .

Suebnm · 15/12/2019 11:03

For me it would be about my own feelings. If I were to worry about my baby left with your boyfriend I wouldn't go. She is young and he is already sulking.

The last thing you need as a mum with a young baby is pressure and sulking from your boyfriend. If you can prevent that by staying in then so be it.

I am aware this won't be the popular view.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/12/2019 11:12

Feed her before you go, leave some milk for her in a bottle - if she doesn't take it, then she doesn't take it - she won't starve or get that thirsty in the 2 or so hours you're gone.

He does need to learn to deal with her by himself. It's ridiculous that you're being trapped by his inability to do so.

So yes - go, do not cancel, don't get sucked in by his tantrum and don't answer the phone until you're actually ready to go home.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 15/12/2019 11:17

Definitely don't cancel! He needs to be blue to settler her himself.

That said, you both should have worked on this after the first time didn't go so well - something to work on for the future!

NorthernLightsInWinter · 15/12/2019 11:18

He works away leaving you holding the baby, literally, most of the time. He can cope with the odd evening out for you FFS.

josephineisblue · 15/12/2019 11:25

My ex used to do this.
My dd was exclusively breastfed too. He would call me after an hour and put her on the phone screaming and call me a bad mother etc. I honestly think he made no real attempt to settle her. He was still doing it when she was 11 months old, and could be offered solids, all I wanted was 3-4 hours to myself.
It was controlling and I left him. Funny he was able to have her for whole weekends after that but couldn't have her for an hour without alone before.
Please examine the dynamic of your relationship closely, I was definitely in a controlling abusive relationship and I couldn't really see it.

onemoresipofthehenny · 15/12/2019 11:28

Another one saying don't cancel your plans.
Go out and have fun and don't think about him while you're out.
Imagine if every time he went to work you went in a mood and said 'well this will be fun for me'.

AgeOld · 15/12/2019 11:29

I agree with the poster above about prepping your dh or you're stitching him up.
If the baby doesn't reliably take a bottle or cup and you just run out of the door following some of the advice on here to just leave him to it, then I don't agree that it's fair and he'll lose confidence.

I also agree with posters saying it's the baby who'll suffer, it'll be confusing to an ebf baby who gets fed to sleep to suddenly not get that and have a stressed parent looking after them.
I'm not saying cancel but I think you getting baby to take a bottle prior to you going out would help.
I'm ebf and so know the pain and isolation at times, I had surgery while bf and baby had to take a bottle and it was an hour of screaming apparently, not fun. It's no good posters just saying 'oh the baby will just get over it and take the bottle' or 'he just needs to learn to parent', he physically can't magic boobs out of the air, that's not a skill he can practice.

Yanbu to want a night out but set him up to succeed and you'll be better for it.

Molly2016 · 15/12/2019 11:34

This is your choice, you know your baby.
Would I have left my ebf baby at 5 months to go out with friends? No. That was my choice. I knew they wouldn’t settle, they wouldn’t take a bottle and my DH would have been basically holding a crying baby for the majority of the time I was away. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it.

blackcat86 · 15/12/2019 11:40

I agree with ageold. If you want to EBF then EBF but understand that you cant just run out the door and leave a screaming and confused baby with your DH. I always find it concerning that people think it's a bit funny of leave their partner to suffer a bit so they learn to parent their baby without really caring that their baby will distressed and separated from their food source. I think you need to establish combi feeding to enable you to go out if thats what you want to do. It sounds like your DH is pretty good if he works and does the mornings and doesn't shy away from time with baby. I'm not surprised he isnt relishing you going out. Could he start getting DD to take a pre bed bottle to contribute and get her taking a bottle more reliably?

ArchieStar · 15/12/2019 11:43

Christ some replies on here!!

OP I completely understand his apprehension if your baby is EBF and isn’t fully “reliable” with regards to a bottle yet. But If you have supplied enough milk then he should be reassured enough with that surely? He may be controlling, he may be overly anxious, which do you think it is?

Yetanotherwinter · 15/12/2019 11:46

Is this not of your own making if you’re exclusively breast feeding. You’ve created a situation which discourages him from being involved by being the only one who can feed and settle the baby.

LuaDipa · 15/12/2019 11:51

Fucking hell, ebf is not an excuse for a useless partner. Op has said dc will
Sometimes feed from a bottle or cup, and it is more likely to be the case if the mother is not present. He just needs to get on with it and deal with any crying for one night. Leave a good supply of expressed milk and go and have fun.

Thehop · 15/12/2019 11:52

Hmmm

If your dh doesn’t get chance for time off that doesn’t sound great either.

If your baby may not take a cup or bottle and will cry themselves into a hungry sleep then I couldn’t go out I’m afraid. Purely because I’d be thinking about my 5 month old crying and hungry.

I do agree that his and needs to learn how to settle her but perhaps better if you work together to establish mixes feeding so that she’ll reliably take a bottle or cup first?

Maybe meet friends for a drink for an hour Or 2 and then come home?

Hope you find a compromise.

LuaDipa · 15/12/2019 11:53

Reading some of the attitudes on here it is no wonder bf rates are so low.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2019 11:53

A couple of hours, even for an EBF baby is perfectly ok. The baby is 5 months old, not 5 weeks. Quite a big difference.

Selfsettling3 · 15/12/2019 11:54

I have an ebf baby the same age but she won’t take a bottle. If she did I would be going out. I think the only concern you should have is that you say she will only sometimes take a bottle.

Selfsettling3 · 15/12/2019 11:57

Where are you going? Can you take the baby with you? I would happily take mine out for lunch so go out for lunch with my friends but not dinner as she wants to tank up for the night and it generally more unsettled so she won’t be handed round friends or just settle in the sling for a nap.

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