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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH - regarding dinner out with girlfriends

225 replies

ChristmasNightOutMeh · 15/12/2019 08:26

NC.
For background baby is 5 months old EBF. (Will sometimes take milk from a bottle or cup). Feeds to sleep at night. Can be hard work in the evenings when she's tired. This is the same if I'm here.

I went out a few weeks ago, wasn't even gone 2 hours before OH called asking when I was coming home because baby had been crying for an hour and nothing would settle her.. when I got home, she was asleep in his arms..

So meant to be going out for dinner with a couple of friends. This will be only the second time I've gone out in an evening and left him with baby.

This morning he's in a mood because "oh that'll be fun for him".

AIBU to leave him for a couple of hours knowing it might be hard work?

More so, I'm annoyed he is making me feel bad and guilty for leaving her, knowing she'll probably cry at some point.

Should I cancel?

OP posts:
katy1213 · 15/12/2019 09:21

Good old days - you wouldn't have had a phone and he'd have managed just fine. Turn it off and enjoy yourself.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2019 09:24

Go out

Inform him that you will be switching your phone off for the duration of your choice

Enjoy some time off while your child is cared for by his/her other parent

maroonuser · 15/12/2019 09:25

I do think you need to lower your expectations a bit and be ready to come home if you need to, I am the first to tell people to take a break and not the helicopter parent type at all, but a 5 month old EBF baby is still extremely reliant on mum. So go, but I do think you need to acknowledge it can be very difficult for a non BF carer, it would be different if they were FF. This stage isn't for very long.

Sandaled · 15/12/2019 09:25

Don't cancel, suggest to him he helps out more in the evening when you are there so he is more confident with it. If I knew I couldn't provide what would settle our baby and I was in for a night of crying, trying in vain many things, I wouldn't be too thrilled; but id happily do it so my partner could go out.

FenellaMaxwell · 15/12/2019 09:28

Normally I would be the first person to say he’s a dick, but if the baby is EBF and will only sometimes take a cup or bottle then it probably isn’t going to go very well and he’s not unreasonable to be apprehensive.

dottiedodah · 15/12/2019 09:55

No 1 .Go out for meal .No 2 Turn phone off! No 3 Do have a good time No 4 tell him he has to settle HIS child sometimes FFS (may even enjoy it after a while .No 5 Tell him to grow the fuck up and be a parent .!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/12/2019 09:58

Do not cancel. Do not rush home when he calls-in fact turn your phone on silent, and enjoy your evening out. Time for him to step up to the plate! Enjoy your night out!Wine

GameSetMatch · 15/12/2019 10:05

Don’t cancel, my husband is exactly the same I have not left the house on my own in five years! I wish i nipped It in the bud early. Go enjoy!

maroonuser · 15/12/2019 10:09

All those saying don't cancel and generally being quite unsympathetic to the partner, did you have an EBF baby at 5 months? I don't mean that in a goady way, but if you did surely you realise an exclusively breast fed baby relies on mum in a very different way a formula fed baby does or a 6 month+ weaned/partially weaned baby. I am no mummy martyr, back to work happily full time by 9 months and holidayed with out them as toddlers I'm usually in the "other" camp on mummy medal posts, but I remember the relentless need for presence at 6 months!

maroonuser · 15/12/2019 10:12

(But just time add I'm not saying cancel, but to just manage your own expectations at this time and to be slightly more sympathetic to a partner when looking after a baby that feeds from mum exclusively!)

Rainallnight · 15/12/2019 10:12

But baby will take expressed milk?

amaryl · 15/12/2019 10:15

If he is being a dick because deep down he feels useless about looking after his own child, you have to sort this now. He has to feel comfortable with this otherwise it will affect their relationship and your relationship.
There is a chance he hadn’t bonded, feels useless and pushed out and doesn’t know how to deal with it.
But Then he could just be a dick...because he’s selfish, jealous, unsupportive

wellthatwasthat · 15/12/2019 10:16

You shouldn't have to be a prisoner in your own home just because your dp doesn't want to have to look after their own child for a couple of hours.

thenightsky · 15/12/2019 10:18

My DC were EBF and I had a similar issue. My HV told me they'd actually be more likely to accept a cup or bottle if me and my boobs were not in the house. DH persisted in trying and found the cup worked best.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 15/12/2019 10:19

My ex would text me that dd was screaming the house down. So once I used a friends phone and rang the home phone to find the house was silent as dd was asleep - he just wanted to spoil my night out. Note the ex

katewhinesalot · 15/12/2019 10:19

If he makes a fuss then the answer is to tell him he needs to look after her more to get to know her better, so you'll go out more often. Actually you really should do that. He needs to learn. And stop being a selfish prick.

Original poster
ChristmasNightOutMeh · 15/12/2019 10:19

Wow. Some harsh replies.

He's in no way selfish. He works away 4/5 days a week

He takes her most mornings he's here so I can lay in. And he'll happily taken her for me to do stuff in the day. It's the evenings that he worries about.

She won't always take a bottle. He doesn't go out much. Because he works away he doesn't have a lot of opportunity to.

OP posts:
Sweet32 · 15/12/2019 10:29

God some of you are harsh. It's a 5 month EBF baby when evenings are hard and they are normally tag teaming - no wonder he is a bit worried about going solo.

That said OP, I would still go if you are comfortable with going. DD was EBF and used to feed to sleep for comfort, she settled with DH easier when I was out of the house. It was hard for him at first but worth persevering with. Have a conversation with him, go and have a good time! And don't take the harsh comments to heart Wink

rottiemum88 · 15/12/2019 10:29

If she won't always take a bottle, you going out means you might well be leaving a baby - who's also used to being fed to sleep - to go hungry. Personally, I'd be less concerned about how unpleasant the experience might be for your DH and more on what the impact of that might be on a 5 month old baby

rwalker · 15/12/2019 10:34

I think BF is the issue here if baby crying to be feed realistic what can he do .
At 5 month have you tried mixed feeding .

Bluerussian · 15/12/2019 10:36

OoohTheStatsDontLie Sun 15-Dec-19 08:34:52
He is being unreasonable. Its normal and healthy to have the odd few hours away from your baby, and I think if you are EBF its actually very important as it can feel quite oppressive and pressured. It's not healthy to spend 24/7 with anyone including your own baby after a while. Different for the first two to three months.

He is saying that so you feel guilty (maybe doesn't realise that's what he's doing but result is the same regardless of how he sees it), and come back earlier etc. Does he really think you shouldn't have a night out ever incase he has to deal with a crying baby for a few hours?

The only way she will get better at settling for him is if he does bedtime more often, she will learn to trust him, bless her. On the other hand he can keep her up with him, feeding and playing with her. It will do him good.

He is saying that so you feel guilty and come back earlier etc. Does he really think you should never have a night out in case he has to deal with a crying baby for a few hours? The more time he spends with her, the more relaxed he will become about it all (I do understand the feeling of hopelessness and panic he experiences but I expect you have occasionally felt the same when she was new born).

The only way she will get better at settling for him is if he does bedtime more often.
.............

The above in a nutshell. Express some milk for husband to use or if you give occasional formula, that. You need to go out. Blimey I went back to work part time (2 days a week at that point), when mine was five months old & he was fine with my mum.

Please do go out and inform your husband strongly that there is nothing wrong with your baby (and she is your baby, or our baby, not just 'baby'), babies cry.

Idratherbeonquora · 15/12/2019 10:36

Has your baby ever cried with you? You know hes being a selfish idiot.
Sometimes babies are easy sometimes theyre hard.
Whats harder than looking after a baby for one night is looking after a baby and a mum when youve burnt out.

Carmenfortuna · 15/12/2019 10:39

I actually feel a bit sorry for him tbh , the baby feeds to sleep , refuses a bottle some? most ? Of the time . And is fussy in the evening anyway. Must be incredibly strrssfuk for them both.
He needs to have some practise runs with you in the home to build confidence.

Also maybe try other bedtime routines than feeding to sleep at night , or with feeding to sleep , such as soft blanket, special toy , musical toy etc etc.

Bouldghirl · 15/12/2019 10:39

He shares responsibility for the child. Remind him sharply what that responsibility entails.

And of course do not cancel.

Bluerussian · 15/12/2019 10:42

Sorry, I repeated a sentence in the above or it was the previous poster's sentence. Actually it looks as though I have somehow copied a few things she/he said and/or incorporated one of mine into hers. However I think you will get my drift. The sentence that stood out for me was: The only way she will get better at settling for him is if he does bedtime more often.

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