Or is OH - regarding dinner out with girlfriends

[ChristmasNightOutMeh]

NC.
For background baby is 5 months old EBF. (Will sometimes take milk from a bottle or cup). Feeds to sleep at night. Can be hard work in the evenings when she's tired. This is the same if I'm here.

I went out a few weeks ago, wasn't even gone 2 hours before OH called asking when I was coming home because baby had been crying for an hour and nothing would settle her.. when I got home, she was asleep in his arms..

So meant to be going out for dinner with a couple of friends. This will be only the second time I've gone out in an evening and left him with baby.

This morning he's in a mood because "oh that'll be fun for him".

AIBU to leave him for a couple of hours knowing it might be hard work?

More so, I'm annoyed he is making me feel bad and guilty for leaving her, knowing she'll probably cry at some point.

Should I cancel?

I was alone all through the baby stage of mine so have no direct experience but I definitely would not cancel. You clearly want to go and
he's supposed to be an equal partner, he can cope and settle his own daughter!

He's being controlling. What else does he do to manipulate your behaviour?

Go and turn off your phone. He can cope for a few hours ffs.

OP Nip this in the bud right now. It will only get worse if you don’t. Set a precedent that you have as much right to time by yourself as he does. Otherwise you’ll be getting the guilt trip every single time.

Better still, book yourself a weekly evening yoga class (or something similar) which forces him to have sole charge on a regular basis.

That’s appalling. I have a friend whose DP is like this and when their DD was younger, he’d text her during nights out to say what a tough time he was having. It’s so oppressive and controlling.

Go out and make clear he is not to contact you unless there’s an emergency and he has to take her to hospital.

DO NOT CANCEL!!!! you'll set a precedent so you never go out. The baby has two parents, not one.

Can be hard work in the evenings when she's tired. This is the same if I'm here

Erm, how many of these evenings have you been alone holding the baby? does he drop his evening activities to help you when she's being hard work?

Sounds like he needs some more practice and your daughter needs some weekly father/daughter bonding.

What evening club can you attend each week to give them this opportunity?

You are going to feed baby to sleep, then go out? Go, switch your phone off, and have a lovely evening.

Or you are going to leave a baby who doesn't usually take milk from a cup or bottle with DH before baby us sleeping? Go, gave a fab time, but keep your phone on, because baby may well not settle.

Go out and enjoy yourself. He’s at home looking after his child, the most normal thing to do. He’s got a serious problem if he doesn’t think he should be doing it.

Please, please don’t carry any guilt on your shoulders. Going out for the evening is a perfectly normal thing to do.

but keep your phone on, because baby may well not settle

So he can rule the roost, and OP gets to go home instead of enjoying an evening with her friends. Yeah nope.

OP says (Will sometimes take milk from a bottle or cup)

If the baby won’t take a bottle I don’t think he’s BU to either bring the baby out to you to feed, or ask you to leave early if baby has been screaming awhile. This is one of the downsides of b-feeding with no expressing/bottles IME.

Him being moody is U though.

Does he ever settle her at bedtime normally? If not that’s something to work on for him.

So many handmaidens and penis excusers on MN lately.

No don't cancel. How much has he been out since baby was born ?

Do not even think about cancelling. Otherwise you give him permission to refuse to step up to parenting every time it becomes hard because you are always there to take over and cope.

Go out, have fun and switch your phone off whilst out.

How often does he go out?

DO NOT CANCEL

100% agree with the suggestion to do a weekly evening activity too

I’m much more often a LTB type so that’s a novelty!

This is a practical issue. If the baby has previously sometimes had bottles and settled OK for her father of an evening (not just in the day) then she should be fine. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case here, due to both their parenting choices so far and also the baby.

If, as is likely the baby screams, how long is it reasonable for her father to wait before getting the baby to Op or OP to the baby? Two hours? Three?

With DC I put in a lot of work expressing, DH giving expressed bottles and settling DC from the start, so DC was fine. We didn’t do this with DC2 for various reasons and DC2 wouldn’t settle well for DH in the evenings and screamed solidly. So if I wanted to go out, or had to, eg medical appointments, we had to come up with practical solutions. This changed once DC2 was one and eating/drinking etc.

You know the answer really. I imagine we'll all agree- babies cry, d'oh! It won't kill him to put up with a bit of crying.

I’m assuming there’s expressed milk for him to feed her with?

So basically you’re not allowed to go out cos he can’t be arsed to parent his own child? What’s the betting he phones you within 2 hours of you being gone? Go out, woman, don’t let him stop you. You are not tied to the house because you have a baby. You’re entitled to go out and have friends/a life.

Do not cancel, having some time out for you is so important for your mental health.

He can suck it up, buttercup! He needs to learn to parent his child.

It’s hard for you when he’s out or at work- this is just life and parenting. Don’t cancel!!

If this is only the second time he's been left with her I can understand how he's nervous and agree it won't be fun for him based on his last experience. My husband couldn't settle our fella who was ebf and fed to sleep, but although it was shit for him and the baby could scream the house down he'd never ever make me feel guilty. Each time I'd leave he'd be enthusiastic telling me a new (unfortunately never successful) strategy he was going to try.

If this is only his second time tell him exceptional circumstances- screw the routine go into survival mode. If he needs to put her in the buggy or drive her around do whatever he needs to do so that he doesn't disturb your second night out in 5 months. Then he needs to focus on figuring it out in the new year.