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AIBU?

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Original poster

All English Mothers are Terrible

207 replies

Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 13:20

I urgently need some advice.

Our nanny/housekeeper has decided to return to her home country after a nasty breakdown in her marriage. I don't think she wanted to leave the UK but she will find it hard to manage on her own she says. We have been very understanding, supportive and have helped in all ways to get her through what has been a very rocky time for her, she seemed happy with her decision, and talks more positively about her home country now, she used to be very negative about it before, but now seems content with her decision. On our part we will miss her, or at least that was how I used to feel.

But I have been pretty blindsided by a comment she made to me last week, and I don't know if I am being too sensitive. She was telling me about a mother at her child's school arriving with a young baby with no shoes on, it is obviously cold, and she went on to tell me that all English mothers are terrible!! At this I said, that maybe the mother was having a bad day it happens to the best of us, it doesn't mean ALL English mothers are useless, or even that the mother she was referring to was terrible (she only has one child so does not know the stress of school runs with a small baby)
I was quite taken aback, she then carried on saying that my eldest dd (who is 15) went out with wet hair once. I was really shocked as it felt like she was criticising my parenting skills then, in a barbed way. I asked her when this was as I had never seen it, and she said 18 months ago. I felt very judged by her suddenly, and a little unsure of why she is saying these things now. I must admit I feel oddly hurt by her comments.

I came home early today, as I have been feeling really sick and will work from home, as I walked by I saw her deliberately vacuuming up my younger dd's barbie doll shoes, she was just running the vacuum over them very deliberately and they were making a horrible crackly noise as they were disappearing. My dd loves her barbies, she loves dressing them up and the shoes especially, she knows this, why would she do this? To save her picking them up?

My dogs got out at the weekend, and we live on a really busy road, and she just laughed. This isn't at all funny. I find this behaviour odd, as she always loved our dogs.

She has also started arriving late, and leaving early. I have let this go, as we only have six weeks left and I would rather not make things difficult before she goes.

I am sitting here, and I don't know what to make of any of this, whether I am being silly and it is fine, or whether I am right to feel unnerved. She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable. What do you think of this?

OP posts:
newdeer · 09/12/2019 16:04

Incidentally I've met a few normally very nice people who became really cruel and uncaring when they went through divorce. As though the nurturing part of their job was just too much for them. It's a very particular abrupt shift in personality linked to divorce. Obviously rare but I've seen it twice before, in a primary school teacher and a uni lecturer.

Torchlightt · 09/12/2019 16:07

If you just dismiss her, she'll have a good unfair dismissal claim, which would probably be worth 2 or 3 thousand.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2019 16:08

So for eight years she has been a great nanny with sole charge including overnight care requiring her own child to be left with an alcoholic husband but suddenly she is an ungrateful foreigner with issues around shoes?

Seems kind of odd really, perhaps its some kind of breakdown caused by her abusive relationship.

BloggersBlog · 09/12/2019 16:09

Even if she is still paid like the OP said she would @Torchlightt?

Torchlightt · 09/12/2019 16:11

That will depend on the contract. Probably better just to pay her as usual but to say that she doesn't need to come into work.

rhubarbcrumbles · 09/12/2019 16:21

YANBU. I wouldn't leave a stuffed toy in the care of her let alone my children and pets. I'd be sacking her now.

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2019 16:23

what are you going to do OP ? I agree, you cannot trust her now.. Flowers

Torchlightt · 09/12/2019 16:28

I'd just pay her until her resignation comes into effect, but tell her she doesn't need to come into work. Or ask her whether she'd like to leave early and be paid in lieu of notice. Why would she say no? I don't think it's a good idea to separate on bad terms, after all those years of good service, good relationships with the DCs, etc. Regardless of the legal position. And I don't think the comments about English mothers matter.

DistanceCall · 09/12/2019 16:30

I think she must have felt that she was actually part of your family, and when you (rightly) refused to let her and her child stay with you because of the risk it would pose to your own family, she was shocked. And because she feels that you have betrayed her, she doesn't give a shit about her work any more, and it sounds like she is finding passive aggressive ways of hurting your and your family.

I agree that she needs to leave as soon as possible. Pay her the 6 weeks and change the locks. I'm sorry it has ended like this, but you have done nothing wrong here.

violinrosa · 09/12/2019 16:35

I can't believe some of the responses here. They are really disgusting.

Tooner · 09/12/2019 16:38

I remember you writing about her previously and her struggle with the violent husband. At the time there were suspicions as to whether she was hoping you would invite her to live with you.
Given the current vitreol towards you and your family I think this is the crux of the matter and now she doesn't care if she upsets you.
I would sack her right now. You cannot trust her with your children, your dogs or your house.

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 16:42

She has been very, very cunning when it comes to extracting herself from her marriage, in many ways,

Can you elaborate on that please?

Also, you mentioned you would be going away overnight leaving her on at least a 24 hour shift. Looking after children and dogs.

You do realise she's not a donkey?

She has probably spent 8 years picking up Barbie doll shoes from the floor, has found that her employer, though happy to have her stay overnight when it suits them, doesn't want to allow her to stay overnight now, in case her ex shows up. But you're this week allowing her to stay overnight as you need her? She's probably saying to herself 'that's the last fucking Barbie doll shoe I'm picking up!'

I've seen your post about 2 months ago with the same story. What is your agenda here? Are you concerned about her comment about letting a child out with wet hair? Or what is your concern?

violinrosa · 09/12/2019 16:43

For goodness sake, what help have you offered this woman, OP? She has provided so much care for your family that you haven't had to hold the reins and now when she needs support you are focusing on:

  1. she laughs at the dogs
  2. she hoovered up two tiny little dolls shoes (do you teach your child to look after her stuff or leave things on the floor?)

She sounds knackered, sad and alone not dangerous. I expect she has responded kindly and patiently to your household's every need and it is a job which you have recognised as soon as she is no longer able to respond to all your needs.

I cannot believe so many of you are ready to go into attack mode on a clearly vulnerable woman.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 16:44

She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable.

How many hours does this woman work?

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 16:49

Is she a danger to your children when she's working and staying over minding them while you're away?
You claim in this post and the last one that you're worried about the ex showing up.

Why are you not worried this week about him showing up while you're away for a few days and she's looking after children and dogs and you're not there?

Sandals19 · 09/12/2019 17:03

Is this the same one you posted about a while back?

Asks for your clothes, dresses like you, screeched up all done up blasting music in her car on her off day once, unrecognisable.

Said she'd have to find a new man to keep her?

You knew all this about her already, posters told you in the last thread.

Sandals19 · 09/12/2019 17:05

If it's the same one, in the last thread you were similarly shocked by her behaviour and its contrast with her seemingly lovely, unassertive character; how long are you going to go on being shocked for.

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 09/12/2019 17:08

She is disconnecting from you in an immature way.

She can't cope with her own feelings of losing the life that she has known for eight years and so is rejecting you in passive aggressive ways as it is easier to project the pain than move through it.

It is very unfortunate and upsetting for you as you remember the 'secure' version of your nanny but she is currently acting from a hurt child place.

It is unlikely that you will be able to reach her - she is emotionally vacant and the quicker she becomes physically vacant from your household the better.

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 17:10

Probably as long as the woman cares for the children and dogs 'for a few days'.

Exploitation at its best!

Anonymous001 · 09/12/2019 17:11

I think her comment about "all English mothers" is absolutely disgusting, if that were an English person saying that against someone who wasn't there would be uproar.. How disgusting.

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 17:13

@myohmywhatawonderfulday Twaddle.

This OP has no problem leaving her children overnight with this nanny for consecutive days. Presumably without a break. Nanny is looking after children and dogs. Nanny has asked to move in with family temporarily but OP is suddenly afraid ex boyfriend will show up. Though she's not afraid this week while she's going away for 'a few days' leaving the children and dogs with the nanny.

Littlemeadow123 · 09/12/2019 17:13

Is she pissed about Brexit and joined the "All British people are racists and should be thrown into the abyss" brigade?

Jamhandprints · 09/12/2019 17:18

You know you can open and empty a hoover dont you? Maybe you don't if youve had a housekeeper for 8 years.
I know generally a lot of non Uk mothers who think it is terrible if babies arent wearing hats, coats, gloves etc.

Alrighteo · 09/12/2019 17:19

I'd say she's fucking pissed full stop! I would be, if I'd donated 8 years of my godforsaken life to picking up Barbie doll shoes, hoovering and looking after dogs. For a minimum wage probably.

OP How much do you pay her and how many hours does she work? I'm guessing if you're going away for a 'few' nights that's three. So Nanny is looking after house, kids, dogs for let's say 72 hours? Give her two more 8 to 7pm's and we're at 96 hours. Does she get paid hourly? 96 hours at the minimum wage should add up nicely!!

Where is she from?

Prevegen4U · 09/12/2019 17:21

There is a good reason employers have their fired/laid off employees escorted out of the building. Get rid of her tomorrow.