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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All English Mothers are Terrible

207 replies

Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 13:20

I urgently need some advice.

Our nanny/housekeeper has decided to return to her home country after a nasty breakdown in her marriage. I don't think she wanted to leave the UK but she will find it hard to manage on her own she says. We have been very understanding, supportive and have helped in all ways to get her through what has been a very rocky time for her, she seemed happy with her decision, and talks more positively about her home country now, she used to be very negative about it before, but now seems content with her decision. On our part we will miss her, or at least that was how I used to feel.

But I have been pretty blindsided by a comment she made to me last week, and I don't know if I am being too sensitive. She was telling me about a mother at her child's school arriving with a young baby with no shoes on, it is obviously cold, and she went on to tell me that all English mothers are terrible!! At this I said, that maybe the mother was having a bad day it happens to the best of us, it doesn't mean ALL English mothers are useless, or even that the mother she was referring to was terrible (she only has one child so does not know the stress of school runs with a small baby)
I was quite taken aback, she then carried on saying that my eldest dd (who is 15) went out with wet hair once. I was really shocked as it felt like she was criticising my parenting skills then, in a barbed way. I asked her when this was as I had never seen it, and she said 18 months ago. I felt very judged by her suddenly, and a little unsure of why she is saying these things now. I must admit I feel oddly hurt by her comments.

I came home early today, as I have been feeling really sick and will work from home, as I walked by I saw her deliberately vacuuming up my younger dd's barbie doll shoes, she was just running the vacuum over them very deliberately and they were making a horrible crackly noise as they were disappearing. My dd loves her barbies, she loves dressing them up and the shoes especially, she knows this, why would she do this? To save her picking them up?

My dogs got out at the weekend, and we live on a really busy road, and she just laughed. This isn't at all funny. I find this behaviour odd, as she always loved our dogs.

She has also started arriving late, and leaving early. I have let this go, as we only have six weeks left and I would rather not make things difficult before she goes.

I am sitting here, and I don't know what to make of any of this, whether I am being silly and it is fine, or whether I am right to feel unnerved. She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable. What do you think of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:36

I am coming to the conclusion that I should let her go, and pay her to the last day and leave it at that. Whatever emergency plans I put in place will be better than where we find ourselves now.

I can't leave my dc here with her, I can't even leave my dogs here with her now. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it.

I am praying the new nanny will reply with some good news!!

OP posts:
norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:36

does she have a contract? most contracts have a clause that gross misconduct =instant dismassal. racism etc good enough!

TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 14:37

She has been very, very cunning when it comes to extracting herself from her marriage

To be fair - you have to be cunning extract yourself from an abusive relationship. If she had any professional advice it would have to be very cunning and very careful. Doesn’t necessarily follow that she would be like that with you.

norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:38

if she was using you for a reference she`d have been all lovely still. now she doesnt need you, shes showing her true self. quite a nasty person (even if her circunstances have been shit).

MinervaSaidThat · 09/12/2019 14:39

@TatianaLarina I agree, I’m very glad she has been cunning in that respect

quitecontrary123 · 09/12/2019 14:40

Get rid now

Original poster
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:40

The other thing I noticed the other day was her looking at my eldest dd with some side eye thing going on, it was hard to place it, envy or something like that. She used to go on and on how slim dd is, and try and feed her endless chocolate (which I didn't like) but has shifted between them too, she no longer speaks to my eldest dd, and there is no reason for that. DD comes home from school and always greets her really nicely. It is all abit strange now I am thinking about it. Half the issue is that I have come to rely on her so much, we are so busy all of the time I have no time to think! I feel seriously anxious even imagining her not coming back, because she has been such a big part of our lives.

OP posts:
Progress2019 · 09/12/2019 14:40

I don’t think you’ve said what you’re doing on your few days away, but it can’t be as important as your children, pets or home. Please don’t leave this woman in charge of them.

If you don’t have a friend or family available for short term care, would an agency be able to help?

Aridane · 09/12/2019 14:43

Given your latest post, I think it's more likely that she's dealing with having to leave a country she loves and dealing with leaving a family that she probably cares for as well, and her way of dealing with that is to say "well they were shit anyway." That's my guess

I agree with @TheBossOfMe

Original poster
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:44

To be fair - you have to be cunning extract yourself from an abusive relationship. If she had any professional advice it would have to be very cunning and very careful

I have been shocked at how well she has/is executing this, really did not think she had it in her. Not that I am underestimating her intelligence, just the cold hearted way she is going about it. I don't feel sorry for him one bit, but I am not sure I could do what she is doing, even with the very good reason that she has. I can't take someone out like that, it is just not something I could personally do.

She does have to go, I need a plan B urgently, I feel so ill I could cry. Why now??

OP posts:
Original poster
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:46

My dh has booked a few nights away as a belated birthday gift. We have not been away together for 15 years!!!! [pathetic isn't it!] It will be another 15 years at this rate Grin

OP posts:
norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:46

can you give her wages in stead of working out notice? if so do it.
does she have keys to your home etc? get them off her/ change locks
she does school runs / pick ups? inform everywhere she has zero accsess to children.

get her out. today. look at the contract. if theres anything you can use on it to get her out do it. racism is gross misconduct in itself in a company...... thats instant boot out! plus the other stuff.....

FishCanFly · 09/12/2019 14:47

Is she Eastern European? Our people do have a thing about wet hair / lack of shoes / warm clothing - that equals neglect Confused

TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 14:47

You might if you had endured years of abuse and alcoholism and if you received advice from da charities on strategy.

She may well have tried to leave before and been pulled back in before. She may have also just ceased to love him.

norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:47

if you went away with dh, would you enjoy it? or be worrying constantly anyway?!

SolitaryGrape · 09/12/2019 14:48

I can't imagine being her place, overseas with a dh like hers, she has been very vulnerable up to now.

I think this is the crux of the matter. You have hugely different statuses you are far more financially secure and stable, and she's badly off enough to have had to travel to another country to do menial work in someone else's household, while dealing with an abusive spouse and the fact that she works for you, doing the gruntwork around the house you don't want to do, just flags that up.

You've done nothing wrong, but simply by existing and being more prosperous in your home/her workplace, means she's continually reminded of her own comparative poverty and insecurity -- hence the petty acts of spite and catty remarks she presumably stifled until now.

I used to see a version of this all the time when I lived in the ME, where it was entirely normal for British expat families to have a live-in housekeeper from the Philippines, Sri Lanka, or Ethiopia -- obviously there the wealth and power differential was far more of a chasm, and the potential for petty one-up-manship was greater.

(The other difference, of course is that under the labour sponsorship laws, employers keep their maids' passports and are legally responsible for them while they are in the country of residence, and when a placement broke down for whatever reason, the received expat wisdom was to pack your maids' belongings yourself, checking for stolen goods, and escort her to the airport, only handing over her passport when she's literally walking through security.)

Sorry, no help to you, OP, but I think that's where this is coming from.

Branster · 09/12/2019 14:51

She might be having a mental crisis if her behaviour changed so much. Or maybe this is her true self and she was more professional up to now because she knew she had to keep her job.
As regards comments about babies with no shoes and going out with wet hair, in some countries, they really keep their kids wrapped up in cotton wool and have preconceived (medically unproven) ideas about staying healthy - if that’s the case there is absolutely no point in arguing with her. Going out with wet hair will not make you ill if you are a healthy individual.
As she’s returning to her country she might not need any reference from you so to avoid further clashes, if possible, let her go before the 6 weeks are up on full pay.

LoveNote · 09/12/2019 14:52

she is showing you who she really is

why don't you believe her?

your children and pets and property.....they are all in danger. she is jealous of you and your life, she has checked out and now resents you.

why cant you see this?

teta · 09/12/2019 14:52

This reply has been deleted

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Vulpine · 09/12/2019 14:54

I go out with wet hair a lot

needsomehelptoday · 09/12/2019 14:55

why cant you see this?

I think it's clear that op can see this. She's already said she's going to pay her until the end of her contract and ask her to leave.

thatdamnwoman · 09/12/2019 14:55

She thinks you've let her down. She thought you were her friend and hoped you'd help rescue her from her abusive relationship. When she said 'I think I'll have to go home and start a new life there' you were supposed to say 'No, come and live with us until things have settled down.'

She knows that it wasn't realistic that you'd take her and her child in but it was what she really wanted and now she's acting out her frustration.

Could she and her child find a good live-in situation here in the UK if you gave her a good reference?

So pleased I'm not wealthy enough to have to deal with such issues.

SweetSally · 09/12/2019 14:56

She's built up a lot of anger towards what's happened to her and now she's projecting it in your direction.

I personally would not keep her for the remaining 6 weeks.

You pay her money and you expect certain service to be provided.

You are not unreasonable to be hurt.

She's most certainly moved on emotionally and now she doesn't want to invest any more effort in her current (soon to be former) job.

FishCanFly · 09/12/2019 14:58

in some countries, they really keep their kids wrapped up in cotton wool and have preconceived (medically unproven) ideas about staying healthy - if that’s the case there is absolutely no point in arguing with her. Going out with wet hair will not make you ill if you are a healthy individual.
in a slightly different climate, it can make you severely ill if you go out with wet hair, wet shoes or improperly clothed.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/12/2019 15:02

Just fire her and stop dithering.

Your kids, your kids’ belongings, your dogs - none of them are safe.

Those dogs could have been killed/lost forever ffs.

The snide remarks and weird behaviour will worsen.

Stop faffing about and fire her - protect your family.