My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

All English Mothers are Terrible

207 replies

Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 13:20

I urgently need some advice.

Our nanny/housekeeper has decided to return to her home country after a nasty breakdown in her marriage. I don't think she wanted to leave the UK but she will find it hard to manage on her own she says. We have been very understanding, supportive and have helped in all ways to get her through what has been a very rocky time for her, she seemed happy with her decision, and talks more positively about her home country now, she used to be very negative about it before, but now seems content with her decision. On our part we will miss her, or at least that was how I used to feel.

But I have been pretty blindsided by a comment she made to me last week, and I don't know if I am being too sensitive. She was telling me about a mother at her child's school arriving with a young baby with no shoes on, it is obviously cold, and she went on to tell me that all English mothers are terrible!! At this I said, that maybe the mother was having a bad day it happens to the best of us, it doesn't mean ALL English mothers are useless, or even that the mother she was referring to was terrible (she only has one child so does not know the stress of school runs with a small baby)
I was quite taken aback, she then carried on saying that my eldest dd (who is 15) went out with wet hair once. I was really shocked as it felt like she was criticising my parenting skills then, in a barbed way. I asked her when this was as I had never seen it, and she said 18 months ago. I felt very judged by her suddenly, and a little unsure of why she is saying these things now. I must admit I feel oddly hurt by her comments.

I came home early today, as I have been feeling really sick and will work from home, as I walked by I saw her deliberately vacuuming up my younger dd's barbie doll shoes, she was just running the vacuum over them very deliberately and they were making a horrible crackly noise as they were disappearing. My dd loves her barbies, she loves dressing them up and the shoes especially, she knows this, why would she do this? To save her picking them up?

My dogs got out at the weekend, and we live on a really busy road, and she just laughed. This isn't at all funny. I find this behaviour odd, as she always loved our dogs.

She has also started arriving late, and leaving early. I have let this go, as we only have six weeks left and I would rather not make things difficult before she goes.

I am sitting here, and I don't know what to make of any of this, whether I am being silly and it is fine, or whether I am right to feel unnerved. She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable. What do you think of this?

OP posts:
Report

Am I being unreasonable?

690 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
Delatron · 09/12/2019 14:07

Yes I think some kind of breakdown maybe. It sounds like she has had a tough time but is now lashing out and you and your family.

You can’t really risk her staying.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:08

Thats my worry, she does not need a reference from me. She is going back home and will do a different kind of job, she has nothing to lose here anymore.

OP posts:
Report
needsomehelptoday · 09/12/2019 14:08

Do you think she expected you to offer her somewhere to live / a pay rise when her marriage broke down and is blaming you for her having to leave?

Report
TheBossOfMe · 09/12/2019 14:09

Given your latest post, I think it's more likely that she's dealing with having to leave a country she loves and dealing with leaving a family that she probably cares for as well, and her way of dealing with that is to say "well they were shit anyway." That's my guess.

Report
Quineothebroch · 09/12/2019 14:12

"All English mothers are terrible" and she is not British - this sounds like a racist comment - or at the least an unacceptable comment, worthy of misconduct/ gross misconduct. (Would you accept all African mothers are bad?) She has damaged your dd's items, she may or may not have facilitated your dogs escape - she sounds a nasty piece of work.

If she is employed via an agency I'd contact them. If employed directly, does she have a contract in writing outlining reasonable and unreasonable behaviour?

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:12

Yes need she wanted to move in with us, but we couldn't entertain the idea as we have already a chaotic house and I just could not see it working with her child as well. Plus her dh is very abusive (and has just been arrested for something separately) and he is a drunk, I could not let her stay here in case he turns up drunk and violent with my dc at home. When she stays over, he looks after their son and she stays in our spare room. This is the reason why she is leaving him, and she can't stay here.

The whole thing has just become so stressful, and I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Report
needsomehelptoday · 09/12/2019 14:16

I think she's (mistakenly) angry with you.

I think I also remember you posting about her before when they were first breaking up.

It's a hard situation.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:17

Yes she has taken to running down the UK now, and I do wonder if it is because she doesn't want to leave. It is comments about our doctors for example. It is seems to be something different every time I see her. Apparently she took her child to the GP with a cold, and he asked her why she had brought him in at all - a cold is a cold, and it is not necessary to see a doctor (I agree with him for what it is worth). She then took the child to A&E as he was coughing all night and she was worried about his chest (he was checked and was fine, and was back at school the following day) and she says our doctors are dreadful, even though it costs a 100 euros just to see a doctor in her own country, and you are charged for hospital care, and all medical care. It is just things like that. She may be right about the superior medicine, parenting, life there but why tell me this?? It seems rude to me.

OP posts:
Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:18

Yes need spot on. It is hard, and getting harder.

OP posts:
Report
MinervaSaidThat · 09/12/2019 14:20

You say her husband is abusive. Could that have had an impact on her mental health/depression?

It seems strange someone who was lovely for 8 years has changed so much.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:20

You could be right, maybe this is an angry backlash because we have not said she can live with us.

I stand by the fact she is not living with us.

OP posts:
Report
Chartreuse45 · 09/12/2019 14:21

I think that is the crux of the matter. She doesn't want to go back to her own country with the resulting loss of face. In her mind, she stayed over so feels you could easily let her stay on a more permanent basis. The addition of another child to the household doesn't seem to be important to her reckoning. Then that her husband is violent and could come to your house. Possibly she feels this is not her fault and therefore she shouldn't be "punished" for it. I.e. it should not be a factor against her moving in! All in all she is blaming you and her anger is coming out in several aggressive and passive aggressive ways.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:23

I do think the situation she is in has impacted her MH.
Although she seems much stronger now than she did, and has a good plan for her future. She looks bright and bushy tailed these days, in contrast to how she was before. She is talking about packing and moving back with positivity. There is no obvious reason for her to be like this.
I have done a lot to help her, because I was worried about her and her child, and we had intended to give her the most lovely farewell, we had planned a little party etc. But now, I don't think I can carry on like this, she is in a very bad place and my dc have to come first.

OP posts:
Report
Thedeadwood · 09/12/2019 14:25

I would try to ignore the comments but the behaviours are the concerning bits.
Is she the reason the dogs got out/did she not help when they got out? why on earth did she think it was funny? If she's behaving like that with a furry member of the family, i'd be very concerned about her being responsible for my kids safety and well being.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:26

chart You could be right....shit. I have tried everything possible to avoid this very scenario. I thought if I was nice enough, kind enough etc she would not blame us, but she must on some level.

The loss of face will be meaningful. Very meaningful in her culture, more so than it would ever be here.

OP posts:
Report
MinervaSaidThat · 09/12/2019 14:28

I think I agree then that she is lashing out at you. You sound very compassionate OP and she may have chosen you as the target for her disenchantment.

Report
Laughterisbest · 09/12/2019 14:28

She is due to look after all of the dc (and dogs) when I go away for a few days, and I now don't feel comfortable

Regardless of the reasons for her change in behaviour, you can't leave your children and dogs in the care of this woman.

Report
VeniVidiVoxi · 09/12/2019 14:29

I think you need to say to yourself "it's not about us" because in all likelihood it's not. She's going through a really tough time, but the intimate nature of the working relationship means she has no space to process that. Imagine if she worked in an office and had an off day, chances are no one would even notice. As much as you would like her to stay professional things have really gone down the toilet and it's probably quite a struggle to achieve what she is managing.

If you can let her go I would. Or a short sharp - sort yourself out talk. Give her the choice of the last few weeks being the consummate professional that you know she can be, or she goes now and that's that. You need to see this change before leaving her with the kids.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:29

I was running out looking for the dogs, and she didn't come out, when I came back to ask if she had seen them, she shrugged and laughed and said no, and she only stop smiling when I told her I was sick with worry. She then came to help, and we found them thirty minutes later. Maybe she misunderstood. At the time I put it down to her not really understanding how scared I was. We have lost a dog like this many years ago, and the dc would be devastated.

OP posts:
Report
FergusSingsTheBlues · 09/12/2019 14:32

F I R E H E R.

Report
norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:33

mmmm Id be contacting the replacement. Get her to start ASAP. Give your current nanny as much ££ in liue of notice. Tell her that shes not welcome as of that point fullstop after her nasty comments (racist), actions (shoes thats vindictive....what other little things is she doing out of sight mm?). She is not a friend and tell her friends don`t do that.

Her true colours are not pretty.

Report
Considermesometimes · 09/12/2019 14:33

vendi It is about her life, and not us, I made so many allowances for this, because it has been so dire for her. I can't imagine being her place, overseas with a dh like hers, she has been very vulnerable up to now.

Because she has nothing to lose here anymore, I think a short sharp talk may well backfire. She has been very, very cunning when it comes to extracting herself from her marriage, in many ways, and I (or dc) would not want to be on the receiving end if she takes our talk badly.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:33

I wouldnt be trusting her with your dd !

Report
TatianaLarina · 09/12/2019 14:35

She might be fine looking after the house/kids/dogs or it might turn into some kind of B movie psycho nanny denouement. I don’t think you can really take the risk.

Report
norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 14:35

well in that case pay her off so to speak, boot her arse out the door! and make sure she has no keys, tell school as well. as shes cunning she may do something daft! so no acsess from school. wouldnt trust her an inch

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.